He was nervous. Of course he was nervous. Finally debuting and following his dream was more terrifying than auditioning in the first place. He'd wanted to be a singer for as long as he could remember but now that he was actually there he could barely breathe.

 He'd only auditioned because his best friend had convinced him too. He'd never expected to actually get in, even though Fantiago wasn't one of the bigger companies. He was sure there were better, more talented people that had auditioned. Imagine his surprise when his mom handed him the phone, telling him someone from Fantiago was calling. He thought one of his friends was playing a trick on him until they praised him on his audition song. He hadn't told anyone what song he'd sung, too nervous and shy to say anything other than he'd done an acoustic song on guitar. He knew then that this was real, despite how unbelievable it felt.

 When he first entered the building to train he had been full of emotions. Happy, nervous, excited, scared; everything you could think of. How was he expected to compare to the other trainees? He was just a gangly kid with braces compared to all these fit and mature boys. He didn't have a six pack or well toned muscles like them; he didn't have a deep voice or manly features.

 He'd be lying if he said he didn't think of quitting once or twice. It was so discouraging to watch everyone else pick up the dances so quickly, like they were born for it. He had a good voice but had never been great at dancing in the first place. Dancing, for an idol, was as important as being able to sing. If he couldn't pick up the moves what chance did he stand?

 He would go home after practice and spend hours in his room, working on the current choreography until he fell asleep. He might not be the most naturally gifted but he wasn't gonna let that stand in his way. So what if it took him a couple days to get it, so long as he nailed it in the end? 

 One of the trainees had taken a shine to him. Rocky saw his dedication and either took pity on him or genuinely enjoyed his company because he would stay behind an hour late to practice with Sanha. No matter how many times Sanha messed up the steps or forgot the timing Rocky never lost his patience. He'd slow down, outlining the routine move by move until Sanha could follow along. 

 He probably wouldn't have made it through the training if not for Rocky, if he was being honest. He owed all his dance ability to him. He repaid him the only way he could; by helping him with his singing. Sanha was by no means a master but he'd been blessed with a good voice from his mother and had a decent vocal range. Rocky had the raw ability, he'd just never practiced it. He was good at rapping from the get-go but had problems matching pitch. Sanha helped him learn to master his voice and Rocky helped him master his dance.

 Through their give-and-take training they formed a close bond. Sanha wasn't what you'd call shy but the pressure and cut-throat nature of training kept him distant, wary of the side-long glances and muttering. He knew he wasn't as well rounded as some of the others so he kept his distance, knowing they would throw him under the bus when the moment came.

 Rocky was the opposite, talking and laughing with people with an almost practiced ease. Everyone wanted to be his friend. He was charismatic and easily likable. Who wouldn't wanna be friends with someone so talented? 

 Even though everyone liked Rocky so much he would still stick by Sanha's side. They would eat lunch together in between practice and warm up together. On the few occasions someone questioned his allegiance to the 'inferior trainee' he would calmly tell them that they had no business saying such things and "just wait till we debut without you" before ignoring them completely.

 Rocky valued integrity and trust above all else. He didn't look twice at the 'snakier' people. Sanha asked him once why he hung out with him instead of the successful trainees. He answered with a simple "I don't trust them. I trust you." They had been best friends ever since.

  Through the late practices and long days they stuck by each other. Being a trainee wasn't easy by any means and they never really had a day off. Whatever free time they had consisted of going over to each others houses and practicing as hard as in the studio. Their parents were so used to it they had sleeping bags prepared for when they would practice late into the night and sleep over.

 It was at one of these 'sleepovers' that it first began. Rocky had come over to help Sanha with his choreography. They'd spent hours in his room, bed pushed off to the side as they went over the same moves again and again. It was so easy for Rocky, having them down after one day. Sanha struggled, giving his all but never quite matching Rocky's level. After an hour straight of practicing he'd collapsed on the bed, sweat sticking his bangs to his forehead as he sighed.

 "I don't think I'll ever be as good as you."

 Rocky gave him a soft smile as he sat down next to Sanha on the bed. He was always smiling, giving Sanha the encouragement to keep trying when he wanted to give up. 

 "Don't say that. You've improved a lot from when we first started training. They would be stupid to not debut you."

 He wasn't placating him with his statement. He meant what he said and that was why Sanha loved him. He didn't bother with sugarcoating anything or lying. If he gave you a compliment or insult he meant it. You didn't have to dance around subjects with him. He'd tell you exactly what he meant when he meant it and Sanha was grateful.

 "Thank you. Ugh, the wait is just so nerve-wracking," Sanha said as he fell back onto the bed. He stared up at the whitewashed pattern on the ceiling as he spoke. "I know some people train for years but how do they deal with the anticipation? This is all I've ever wanted and now that it's right at my fingertips I feel like a time bomb ready to go off everyday."

 Rocky laughed, his trademark grin staring down at Sanha before he fell back next to him.

 "That's part of it, isn't it? Being a star is stressful. You spend everyday hoping to do well and to succeed. The only difference between being an idol and a trainee is you get recognition as an idol. Other than that we're the same. We work hard all day, every day to make our dreams come true. You don't ever get to rest because the fans don't and that's okay because you're living your dream and it's worth it."

 Sanha looked over at Rocky, feeling like he saw him for the first time all over again. He'd known Rocky was dedicated but he'd never heard him speak like this before. His passion was so clear in the words he spoke. It ignited the spark in Sanha's heart, turning it to a full fledged flame.

 Rocky looked back at him, grinning that stupid grin and before Sanha knew what was happening he was leaning over and their lips met. They held for a brief moment before Sanha pulled back, blush creeping up his cheeks.

 "I-I'm sorry, I don't-I didn't mean to-"

 Rocky cut him off, placing a finger across his lips, smiling back at Sanha.

 "It's ok, it's fine, don't worry. It'll be our little secret." He smiled reassuringly at Sanha before turning away, looking up at the ceiling instead, a small smIle present. He didn't say another word and Sanha was too scared to. He lay stock still next to Rocky, staring at the ceiling but clearly thinking different thoughts.

 What did he just do? Why did he kiss Rocky? He hadn't even thought of it, he just did it. He wasn't even sure why he did it. He had just looked over at Rocky and his stupid smile and next thing he knew he had kissed him. He didn't even like Rocky the way. He didn't, right?

 They lay in silence for a while before his mom knocked, asking if Rocky would be staying the night. Before Sanha had the chance to think Rocky thanked her but said he had to be home for the night. When his mom had left, closing the door behind her, Rocky tilted his head back to Sanha. 

 "I'm not leaving because I'm uncomfortable but because I know you need to think. Whatever you come up with, I'll be ok. Just promise me you won't stop talking to me because of this, ok?" 

 His throat was too dry to form words so he just nodded, watching as Rocky got up and packed his stuff. Once it was all in his backpack he turned around, smiling down at Sanha. 

 "Remember: no matter what I'm cool. Just tell me, ok? See you later." He grinned at Sanha once more before leaving. 

 Sanha heard his bedroom door close, heard the faint sounds of steps down the staircase. He might have even heard the front door open and close. He was too lost in his thoughts to know for sure.

 He had just kissed his best friend. Not only that but he had kind of enjoyed it. The faint tingle across his lips when they'd kissed was still present, sending his head into a spiral. What did this mean? Was he gay? Did he just feel that way because he'd never actually kissed anyone before this? Was it possible all first kisses felt like that, regardless of who? 

 He was glad Rocky had left because his thoughts were so scrambled he didn't think he could have been around him. He spent all night arguing with himself, trying to convince himself it was the stress of training that had made him momentarily crazy. That was it. He wasn't gay. Rocky had just helped him so much he felt the need to be close. He read once that long lost family members would feel romantically attracted to each other when they finally met as adults because they would have all these urges to be close so quickly they manifested as romantic attachment. That's all this was. He bonded so quickly with Rocky his brain didn't know how to process it, that's all.

 He slept fitfully, fading in and out of sleep all night. His dreams were full of kind eyes and wide smiles, knowing looks and impossibly soft lips. It was too much and eventually he gave up on sleep, choosing to stare up into the darkness instead. No matter what he told himself he couldn't get the feel of Rocky's lips against his out of his head. 

 After realizing he wouldn't get back to sleep he unlocked his phone, scrolling through his SNS to distract himself. It worked until he came to a photo Rocky had uploaded of the two of them the day before. They were holding two fingers up in a mock James Bond pose, blowing on their finger pistols. He remembered how it had happened, beginning with Sanha making a stupid 'License to Kill' joke. Rocky, being the dork he was, changed it to 'License to Skill' and they took the photo captioned with Rocky's changed phrase. Rocky had insisted it was perfect because they were both learning so much and would soon debut their "skills."

 Sanha locked his phone and tossed it on the bed, staring back into the dark. He'd never once thought Rocky was cute before. Maybe his mind was still playing tricks on him. Maybe he didn't actually think Rocky was cute and it was just a dream. He closed his eyes, blinking them open and sighing when he realized he was still awake.

 Since sleep had escaped him and he couldn't stop his thoughts by scrolling through his phone, he got up. It was 4 am, three hours before he normally got up. Not that much of a difference. Normally he went to sleep before midnight though, not like this last night where he'd only managed to fall asleep at 1 am. Whatever, he wasn't tired really so who cared.

 He didn't wanna wake up his family so he threw on a sweatshirt before quietly sneaking out of the house into the backyard. After plugging his headphones into his MP3 player he began practicing his steps again. He forced all thoughts or Rocky from his head, turning his volume up so high it was deafening. All he could hear was the music. This was what he needed. Nothing but music to occupy his thoughts. 

 He kept practicing until the sun began to rise, light shining up from beyond the houses in his small suburban area. He snuck back into his room, tugging his sweatshirt off and hiding under the blankets. His mom checked on him every morning before leaving for work. He pulled the blanket over his head, covering his headphones. He wasn't ready for silence just yet. 

 He couldn't hear the door open but he knew his mom had already come and gone. His phone said it was 6:50 and his mom left for work by 6:45 always. Now that she had left he threw the covers off, rubbing his eyes before staring at the wall. He had to leave for training in 45 minutes. What was he supposed to say to Rocky? 'Hey, I'm sorry I kissed you. I don't know why I did it but don't be weirded out?' Just because Rocky had been ok with it last night didn't mean he was 'ok' with it.

 What if he messed up the only friendship he had? Without Rocky he had no one. He would have quit already if not for Rocky encouraging him. The thought of going through the rest of training by himself had his stomach in knots. He could only hope Rocky would understand when they spoke. 

 One of the benefits of being a trainee, not an idol, was you didn't have to show up in make-up. Sanha normally made the effort to at least apply some makeup to his face, trying to make up for his braces. He knew he wasn't the most attractive trainee compared to others so those little extra steps mattered a lot to him. 

 Today he was too tired to bother. He threw on clean clothes and managed to eat half a bowl of cereal before his stomach began flipping. Pushing his food away, he stared absentmindedly at his phone. Him and Rocky lived on opposite ends of town, the practice building between them. Normally, Rocky would message him and say when he left so they could arrive around the same time.  Sanha received no messages that morning. 

 He walked to the building with a heavy heart, his conscience weighing heavily on him. He'd messed every thing up. He'd made a good friend and now his stupid nerves had run him off. He couldn't spend the rest of the training period by himself; not again. 

 His eyes were on the ground in front of his feet as he approached the trainee entrance. He didn't see Rocky until he felt hands pulling him off to the side, around the side of the building. He looked up at Rocky in momentary shock before he began rambling out an apology.

 "I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened.  I think I was just stressed and didn't have enough sleep and not thinking straight. I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it."

 Rocky listened quietly, waiting and listening to every word he spoke. When Sanha was done he nodded,  expression unreadable.

 "It's ok, I understand. Training is hard on everyone. Forget about it. What about you, though? You look horrible."

 Sanha paled, looking away and bringing a hand up to cover his face. He should have applied some make-up at least. He was probably white as a ghost.

 "Oh, I'm fine," he brushed off Rocky's comments. "Just my younger brother was sick so I had to watch him before the babysitter came. I just got a little less sleep is all. I'm good though."

 He gave Rocky his best 'Sanha Smile,' hoping it would work. Rocky didn't seem entirely convinced but let it go, giving Sanha a tight lipped smile before they entered the building. Sanha ignored the butterflies in his stomach, focusing instead on mentally going through their dance routine. He was pretty sure he had it down almost exactly thanks to Rocky's help but better safe than sorry.

 As soon as they entered the practice room they were ambushed by the other trainees. 

 "Did you hear?"

 "I hope I get chosen. I worked so hard."

 "I can't believe it; It's like a dream!"

 Rocky looked at him like he expected Sanha to have the answers. Sanha just shrugged before turning back to the others, trying to decipher their comments.

 "What are you guys talking about," Rocky finally asked.

 "They're debuting a new group! They're announcing the members today!"

 Sanha turned to Rocky and Rocky turned to Sanha. There was an unspoken connection. Ever since Rocky had taken him under his wing Sanha had been afraid; afraid Rocky would debut before him and Sanha would be forgotten. Rocky could easily make it on his own, his charm and charisma paving the way for him. Sanha didn't have it so easy. He'd only come out of his shell with Rocky. Without him he was nervous, the future much more scary than before.

 Before they had a chance to actually talk, a representative came in. Swallowing his fear, Sanha bowed and stood next to Rocky, ready to say goodbye to his only friend. Ready to say goodbye to late night talks, goodbye to trips to the food stand down the road, where they'd eat greasy hamburgers, goodbye to the only friend he'd ever connected with.

 "As I'm sure you've all heard, Fantiago is debuting a new group. We've thought long and hard about the members to choose that match this specific group. I'm going to announce those chosen. For those not mentioned, don't be discouraged. This is just one group; there will be more opportunities in the future."

 The studio was so quiet Sanha was sure his own breaths could be heard by everyone. The tension in the room was so thick he felt like he was drowning in it.  He was sure this was the moment where his fears would be realised, that Rocky would be chosen and he would be left behind. How could they not choose Rocky? He was the ace dancer out of all the trainees AND he sang well. There was no way he would be left behind. Sanha sang well but so did a lot of the trainees. It didn't look good for him but he bit back his frown, keeping a straight face as Rocky glanced at him quickly.

 Not debuting would be heartbreaking for him but he wasn't the only one that would be disappointed. Rocky had worked his off getting Sanha to this point. He couldn't stomach the though of Rocky's reaction when his name wasn't mentioned. All the effort Rocky had put in forgotten, his time wasted. It churned his stomach and he bit down on his tongue to fight his nausea.

 "Those debuting with the group ASTRO are: Park Jin Woo, Kim Myungjun, Lee Dongmin, Moon Bin, Park Min Hyuk..."

 He breathed a sigh of relief. Rocky's efforts were being appreciated. Rocky would make it, he had to. He deserved it. It had to be...

 "... and Yoon San Ha."

 He stared for a moment, unblinking as he processed the words he'd just heard. Rocky debuting made sense. He'd earned it, meeting all idol criteria. Sanha had not. Sanha was no Rocky. He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't good enough yet. He couldn't do this.

 Before his breath could fall short he felt a hand on his shoulder, drawing his gaze. Rocky was looking down at him, grinning that familiar stupid grin like the night before. It calmed Sanha, allowing air into his lungs once again. 

 Everything moved in a blur. They were called into a separate room where it was explained they would move into a dorm and more intense training would begin. They had to be ready 24/7 for everything and wouldn't have any moments to rest before debut. It was honestly terrifying but Rocky's continuous grins across the table kept Sanha from hyperventilating. Rocky was here too. He could do it because Rocky was next to him. His best friend was with him. He could do this.

*Fast Forward to Debut Day*

 He was nervous. Of course he was nervous. Finally debuting and following his dream was more terrifying than auditioning in the first place. He'd wanted to be a singer for as long as he could remember but now that he was actually there he could barely breathe.

 Sanha honestly felt like throwing up. Even after the multiple fan signs and events they'd had so far it was nothing compared to this. This was on a whole other level. Everything had to be perfect. If even one of them messed up it would reflect badly on the group. Talk about pressure. 

 He was pacing backstage, wringing his fingers and trying not to faint at the shouts of the fans. They were so loud. That wasn't bad or anything but he just wasn't used to it yet. It was still hard to wrap his head around the fact that he had fans. Nowhere near as many as Rocky or Eun Woo but he didn't care. There were people out there, however few, cheering for him and he couldn't let them down. The pressure was enormous but he wouldn't let it crush him. He wouldn't. 

 He jumped when he felt hands on his shoulders, whipping around to see Rocky grinning at him. He wanted to grin back but was still jumpy, managing only a small smile.

 "Don't be so nervous Sanha. You're gonna do great."

 Since the kiss nothing else had happened. Sanha still felt butterflies when he saw Rocky but their schedules were so packed full of training they rarely had a moment alone. He wasn't sure what his butterflies meant and he was too afraid to do anything. Having Rocky at his side as a friend was better than losing him foolishly. Maybe if he could figure his feelings out properly he'd say something... He always said that but it never happened. 

 "You're on in 1 minute boys."

 Rocky gripped his shoulder, squeezing reassuringly before turning to the other members. They did a cheer as they readied themselves to leave for the stage. 

 He barely had a taste of being an idol so far but it felt lonely. He was always next to Rocky but yet he was kept so far away. He still had no idea what Rocky's true feelings were about the kiss. He assumed they were nothing because Rocky had never mentioned it again. At least he didn't treat Sanha like a freak. He really had kept it their little secret.

It was OK, it was fine. They would be alright.