You left me,

Without saying a word.

Do you know how it felt?

Do you know how it felt?! Being left alone, without even saying a goodbye?! 

3 years with you isn't enough?

You are ing stupid!

I chuckled, I even remembered you, helping me cook food, you in your loose pajamas, messy bed hair, droopy eyes but your lips showing a bright smile.

I remembered your hands guiding my own, how your body unintentionally pressed into mind, how your breath tickles my neck, how I felt your lips on my neck, how your breathing calms me down, and how your words guided me in every step I made.

Tears once again escaped my eyes,

I'm tired, tired of crying, tired of longing you, longing your kisses, your embrace, your scent. I am tired of missing you.

Do you realize that you are so unfair? So unfair..

I did everything, we did it together, you made me feel what love is, you made me understand what love meant, you were there everytime, educating me, teaching me the good ways. Your smile radiated the brightest light my eyes could receive, your smile made me feel butterflies inside my stomach, your strong hands made me feel safe, secured, and protected.

What did I do wrong?

Please tell me.

You did care for me, right?

I felt it, I felt your love. I felt everything.

I felt your sadness, depression, grief, regret. I was there by your side, ready to buy another set of tissues for you to consume, I was there to be your bear, to be the one you hold while you cry endlessly, to be the one who you cuddle with. To be the your cure.

When you left, you made me cry buckets of tears, you took my heart with you. You took our memories together and kept it for yourself. I thought you wanted to make more memories with me? 

And if you did, why did you leave me?

I don't understand, please let me understand. Please accompany me and let me understand.

...

Gripping the rails, my feet dragged itself towards your lifeless body. Clutching the white sheet that covered you, I cried, screamed, screamed for you to come to me. 

Of all them, why did it chose you!? It should've been me, I was bad all along, it should've been me! 

I should've been the one lying on that cold bed, I should've been the one suffering.

But, instead, it chose you.

Why?

Does it like you so much that it took your life?

You, you are precious to me! You made my heart beat again, you made me feel the blood that regulated inside me, that's why you made me blush.

You made me feel alive. You revived me. You took care of my dying heart.

...

I took your your necklace and attached it to mine, hoping it would make my heart beat the way you made it beat. I hoped to feel your touch, I hoped to feel your breath again. But it only reminded me of your scent, which made me ache for you more.

I told myself I wasn't going to cry, I told myself to be strong. I made my brain believe that you were really gone, away from my touch, away from me. I made my brain believe that I have moved on, that I no longer yearn for you.

But I was wrong, I only covered my true feelings. I am stuck, stuck inside this place you left me.

....

Do you know how much time I spend staring at your grave? 

Huh, I thought so.

I always thought you were up there, staring back at me. I always thought that you will extend a hand and take me with you, take me to heaven.

"I'm still waiting, Jungyeon!"

Waiting for nothing.

I laughed, 

You were there, I felt it. I felt you. 

But you were never there physically, it was only my illusions.

Sad, right? 

I may have gone mad,

but would you blame me?

I can't understand why,

Why you left me with a heart without a beat.

~

I took your heart, your heart without a beat.

I know it was my fault, forgive me jagiya,

forgive me, for it chose me, chose me to suffer.

It chose me to carry the burden of leaving you,

It wasn't my choice, jagiya, trust me, It really wasn't.

I can't do anything about it, but I made sure that you feel loved,

I made sure that I spend my remaining time with you.

I guess it was fate, that's why it chose me.

Please forgive me, jagiya. Saranghae.

...

'I'm still here.' Is what I wanted to shout, is what I wanted to tell you all along.

I want to embrace you again, I want to feel you against my arms, I want to protect you. I want to treasure you.

If I am given the chance to be with you again, 

even if I'll exchange deals with the devil, I would not hesitate.

'I love you.' 

I wish I could hear you muttering it again, I wish I could hear your soothing voice calming me down. I wish I could record your voice and put it in loop, 

so in that way, I'll never forget your voice.

I want to smell you, to experience your touch, your tender kisses and hugs, you yourself I want to touch.

Forgive me, jagiya.

Please forgive me for leaving you hanging,

I still love you, you know that right?

...

I took a step forward and tried to embrace you with my arms, but my arms went through you like air.

I laughed and tried to carress your hair, as I tried to place a kiss on your forehead. 

And I tried to reach your hand, but you pulled away and took the steps opposite from mine.

'Please don't leave.' I wanted to tell you. 

'Please don't leave me.'

It was all stuck in my head, it was useless, for I am mute and invisible in your eyes.

You are taking your last steps towards you vehicle, and I hoped that you would stop and look back,

And you did, and is it Christmas already?

Because you smiled, you smiled directly at me. You even waved! Am I seeing things now?

No, I wasn't. It was real.

But it all went down when  a lone tear escaped your eyes, when your hand dropped down and your smile dissapeard.

'I am sorry.'

You left,

and all I could do is stare at the place you stood,

and I felt sorry, sorry for you,

and also for myself.

For snatching your heart, 

and making my own beat, with it.

...

Fin.