It was morning already, the sun was up sending shy lights in the dead silent room as to reveal my shame, discracing me in the whiteness of the new born day.

I whished it could stay night forever. I wish it could all turn dark again, as dark as my thoughts right now. I wish it will all stop. Just like everytime, I wish it all can end.

 

But it doesn't and it never will. He will never stop because he's this way.

I know I can run away but I can't. "I can't... I can't ..."                  I just can't.

 

LOVE.

 

I'm trapped because of that one word, because of that one emotion, because of that one tanned boy I believe I love. He does too right? 

He told me he does, so I should believe him, should I?

But how can I? Loving someone means to protect him and care for him not hurting him and making him feel miserable. I really don't know anymore. I don't even want to know, All I want is for my body to go numb and freeze so I won't feel this much pain. I want my brain to stop functionning so that all these thoughts will vanish away ...

 

But NO it doesn't.

 

I, suddently, felt a sharp pain and a small movement against my thighs adding more pain and hurt to my poor self.    Silent tears fell on the large shoulders beneath me, rolling slowely on the soft skin and before they reach the strong arms that have been holding me all night, he was awake. His face close to mine, with his eyes wide opened. He stared at me with a shocked, pained and somehow guilty face.

And that's when, like everytime, I feel like I can forgive him and try to forget about it if he asks me to - I secretly hope each time he will do - 

" I did it again, didn't I?" He whispered sleeply, rubbing his face nervously

I just nodded as more tears escaped my puffy eyes. He tightened his arms around me and burried his face in my neck as I started sobbing loudly, trembling in his warm embrace. He started tearing up - I can feel it against my skin -

" I'm sorry " he repeated a hundred of times, his voice muffled.

" It's okay . . . " I whispered as I caressed his chocolate hair and started drying my tears.

" It's not " He answered to himself head lowering and his expression changed from deep hurt to something more like shock and disgust.

He cried. Loudly.

letting loud scream go and shaking as he lifted his gaze to meet mine.

" I should die. .. I Did... .. . I ..I. .. I can't" 

I quickly looked at our lower parts     and I wish I didn't . . .

I knew it was bad but i never imagined it to turn this way:

Our stomachs colored by a bright red liquor that we both knew what it was. He was still inside of me, My legs resting around his waist.

I shook my head repeatedly, looking at his face then at the awful color that covered our bodies and bed.

" What should we do?" I asked desperatly.

He hugged me for the last time before holding my waist tightly with his huge warm hands.

"Bite my shoulder if it hurts!" He ordered before getting out of me in one very quick movement.

I shouted loudly as pain filled my inside. I brought me hands up , covering my face as I sobbed and cursed loudly for the whole world to hear.  Jongin staired at me crying, tears falling from his face wetting the cover, hesitating if to touch me or not, hand hang in the air, he wondered if to comfort me or to just let it be, to apologize or to just let me go

" Apologize, you er and I'll freaking forgive you" I shouted in anger "tell me you love me and I'll believe you . Comfort me and I'll stay. . . Like everytime" I screamed the last part 

" I can't " he answered staring at his red lap in shame

"WHY?" I rolled to sit on my back one arm before my eyes as i lowered my voice to match his "I'm no good now? I'm useless am I? "

"NO!" He lifted his hand but it stopped before it sat on my shoulder " I mean.... I'm the one who's useless and deserves  death. I'm no good and I only know how to hurt you... You deserve better than this and I feel like I'm just trapping you right now" 

" Jongin ! I love you " I looked deep into his teary eyes 

" Me too" He mouthed

" Then I'm okay... " I spoke after a long silence

"How the hell are you okay? Look at you... Look what i made out of you! You once was innocent, pure and beautiful. You seemed so lively and lovable when we met. Now, you're hurt, in pain, worried, you're always tired and you seem more lonely and desperate. Why are you always okay? We both know that a hundred of men wants you and we'll fight against the whole world to make you feel happy and safe. "

" Jongin " I cut

" why are you okay with a er that only know how to drink like and come to ravish you untill you can't walk anymore? Why ? Why are you this stupid? dammit"

" because I love you" I shouted angrily "I love you so much that leaving you is no longer an option , that hoping for you to change is what keeps me alive. I love you so much that I'm satisfied with you being this way. that's how I love you, How much I want you and need you . Because hell! I can't live without you, so if I die in your embrace I am okay! It's okay !ALL OKaY.... It's all happiness to me. I'm happy as long as you're next to me , So don't ask me why I am okay and just let me love you the way I do" I cried lowder as I ran out of air

" Then you should have stopped loving me long time ago" he answered between sobs "Because I'm no longer able to keep you by my side" I lifted my gaze to his , surprised "Not when the only thing I can do to you .... Is to hurt you" 

    with no word, He stood from the bed and picked some clothes from his closet, put it in a small suitcase, showered quickly and wore some clean clothes I remember buying him before taking his keys: separating the apartment's from his car's.

" I won't come in again, So don't worry . . . . . Just be happy" He smirked bitterly before leaving the small silver like key on the nightstand and left.

 

 

 

 

 

  Be happy    he said. But how can I?

He left me behind asking me to be happy? 

Happiness

If happiness meant walking around the house remembering him all day long then yeah maybe I'm happy.

If happiness is sleeping with his clothes on and hoping for him to return, If it is calling him a hundred times in my dreams, waking up to an empty bed and burst into heavy tears .

If happiness is calling him endless times only to be transferred to the voicemail but still feel satisfied because at least I heard his voice through the small  recorded message 

Then I'm really happy.

If happiness meant looking through our pictures just to not feel lonely and desperate,  then I'm the happiest person ever.

But NO happiness for me is where Jongin is.  

Happiness is when I wake up every morning to a tanned boy beside of me stretching his shyly built body and embracing me tightly.

Happiness is making food for him, talking with him, holding hands, dancing together, kissing and making love.

Happiness is every little thing we do together , every small memory we share....

happiness is when I'm with Jongin. Happiness is when we're together. Happiness is Jongin.

 

                                                     

 

It has been a year already since Jongin left. Since then, I've been eating less, sleeping less, talking less... I simply stopped living since that day. My world had crushed down as if Jongin was the one holding it tightly together preventing it from falling apart but once he's gone, everything is gone.

  Be happy      he told me 

   But without him  I only feel like I'm a living dead; working, eating and sleeping. with no emotion, no fun, Nothing.    

He made me feel miserable and useless sending me presents and a cake for my birthday, always paying for my rents and sending in new fashionable clothes every now and then with a note saying " Be happy " .....

I stopped calling him long ago. I stopped wearing beautiful things and perfumes because Hell! For who am I doing it? For who am I making myself look better? I stopped looking through our pictures . . . . I stopped hoping for him to come back home. I stopped hoping, I stopped living and I'm secretly wishing I could stop breathing.

     even though a lot of men  asked me out, I couldn't deny my love for Jongin, I couldn't forget him nor get him out of my mind. He was simply haunting each miserable minute of my life making me feel pitiful and reminding me of how badly I still love him when he's not even next to me.

Jongin is no longer here. I know! Jongin is gone. But won't he come back?  can I even hope for it? 

I'm feeling lost and sick and I seriously only wish to die each time I remember that one sun-kissed boy with his angelic smile and melodious laugh.

 

     It has been exactly 53 weeks, 365 days, 8760 hours, and 525600 cold and silence minutes since I felt anything in my life - it's not like I have been counting and it's not like I have anything better in my life to do anyway - 

 

                                                 

 

 

      I woke up to my phone ringing, it was noon already but who cares ! I didn't have work that day. I wondered who it might be since there is not really much people that calls me. I checked and it was a public phone. I cleared my voice before answering lazily

"Hello!" I spoke first

" Hi!" I stopped breathing once I heard that one voice I've been missing for so long "it's kind of awkward to call from a public phone after all this time" he laughed shyly "Wait ... eumh! Did you recognize my voice? .... Hello? .... Hello? " I sobbed through the phone as words got caught in my throat "Are you crying?" he laughed  for the second time that one laugh I love the most, that one laugh I miss the most "I hope I'm not bothering you ... So! eum! Can we meet somewhere? sometime?" he asked nerviously

" What about now, in our apartment?" I answered straightforwardly

" Should we?" he hesitated

"Yeah!" I shouted happily , regretting it seconds later.

" Okay I'm on my way"    then He hang up

 

        I quickly stood up running through the messed up apartment cleaning it before showering and wearing the untouched clothes he sent me. I waited for a knock for what felt like an eternity the silence of the place playing with my thoughts like it has always done; boosting my moral then crushing it down, toying with every corner of my pitiful self with questions that no one can answer but time. Will he really come? Is he finally coming back or is he just going to end everything with me seriously and asking for forgiveness for all the pain he caused me ? Is he going to introduce me to his new boyfriend? why will he do so?....

        I stood there, staring at the small door, eyes wet with tears threatening to fall and mess with my face the way it has always done making it seem the weirdest thing ever, all red and puffy... I felt small , tiny in that huge empty space waiting for an anonymous something to happen to me when I heard shy knocks on the wooden door and before thinking twice, I opened the door and jumped in his embrace crying against his shoulder that felt stronger and larger that before.

"I missed you." He whispered against my peach perfumed hair. I tightened the hug in response.

     He, abruptly, lifted me in the air, legs around his waist, dragging me into the living room not forgetting to close the door behind us then smacked me against the nearest wall of the tiny room. He started kissing me passionately, tongue dancing against mine sensually as his hands traveled under the thick material of my shirt, caressing my sensitive hips.

He drifted away slowly, eyes half closed and tongue hanging out in the air. He stuck his forehead to mine holding me tighter.

" Nice tattoo you got" He held my now tattooed wrest and traveled his thumb against the letters lightly

" Kim Jongin" He smirked to the characters written in Korean, his native language.

" I'm back!" He lifted his gaze to meet mine, he was furious, somehow angry but softened seconds after.

" I've waited for you" I smiled lightly "I knew you'll be back"

he laughed in return  before pushing back my bangs, washing my face with sweet pecks.

" Of course I was going to return! It was just really hard to finish my rehabilitation sessions. So it lasted longer than I planned" he laughed at my confused face and pinched my cheeks cutely "You thought I left you ?" he asked with a hurt face

" NO! Of course not" I lied trying my hardest to convence someone that reads me like an open book.

" L.I.E.R! Look! It's written all over your face. Look! Look!" he pocked my forehead jokingly as I laughed loudly.

" I love you" I ,suddenly, turned serious and held his manly hands in my small ones " Be happy! you told me a year ago. But I couldn't, Not without you. But now, now! I'm really happy.  You know what Jongin?" He hummed in response "I once hated you for leaving me behind but now that I think of it, I can never hate you , nor even get angry ..."

" I love you" He cut me as his lips approached  mine, kissing me, drying my tears and holding me tightly trying to cover up for all the time in which we were apart.....

 

 

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A/N: Hi! woow It took me sooo long to type this small chapter because i'm an old fashioned person that only finds inspiration on paper :p

if you liked this fiction please do subscribe if you liked my writing style let me know in a comment so i will update all my complete fictions about exo of course!! and to tell you the truth I only updated this one because it's the shortest but if you want to i'll update my chaptred one too :p ( please say you do !! )

LOVE U, turtle.