If you grabbed this book wishing for a something light and joyful to carry you away from troubles and routine, I suggest you to close it and seek for another one. This story is heavier than it looks. I have weighed every word, every comma, every point, hoping to get closer to the truth. This is a story about everything that makes life, but most of all, this is a story about love. LOVE in capital letters, to stand for a feeling everyone longs for but only a few get blessed with. Love is complicated to define because rare are the ones who can say they know it. The true nature of love is a feeling that never fade away, never erase. It leaves you with a pain that does more good than harm, as a metaphoric scar that permeates you. So, this is a story about love. But you should know upfront: this is not a love story.

Woohyun sighed as he stopped typing, considering to delete everything. Then again, his publisher was harassing him to get started with his new book and his editor was coming almost on a daily basis to check on his work, which was, up until now, inexistent. Nam Woohyun was a normal guy from a normal middle class family. He graduated University with a Bachelor degree in Literature and had been engaged by a very famous newspaper as a journalist. He wrote political and economic sections with a wit of his own and was considered pretty talented, but he was never truly happy. At night, he would come home and write about the disillusionment of a man whose childhood dream was to become a writer and found himself stuck with a job he disliked for economic reasons. It was the story of a loser who missed his life and realized it too late, during the dinner of his fortieth birthday. To try to rectify his life while there is still time, the man leaves family, work, city and launches into the unknown, driving his car. He drove all over the country, meeting people, some leaving deep impression on him, giving a sense to his life. Woohyun found himself with a thousand something pages manuscript and decided to ask his college best friend Lee Sungyeol for advice. The man was conveniently working in a publishing company so Woohyun thought he was the best person to turn to. Woohyun gave the manuscript to Sungyeol as a Christmas present, telling him as a joke that it was a future best seller and to not feel obligated to read it just because they were friends. On January 8th, when Woohyun last expected it, he received a call that would change his life. Even a year and half later, he remembered the exact words that were exchanged.

“Yobuseyo ?”

“Hello, I’m Kim Sunggyu from Infinite Books, the publishing company. May I speak with Nam Woohyun-shi ?”

“This is he.”

“Well, I’m delighted. Nam Woohyun-shi, I have in my team a young editor who kept coaxing me into read your manuscript. I was sceptical since you’re a novice in the field, but the man was convincing. I must admit that I’m the kind of man who stays on his first impression. A journalist trying to convert himself into a novelist does not leave the best one. You are the first person that proved me wrong. I am deeply impressed with what you wrote and I want to publish it. Of course, there is many things to correct and change before we can grasp the final product, but I’ve got some good materials in here. If you agree to meet me over lunch, I will explain further on how we can make it possible.”

Woohyun stopped breathing at the mention of publishing. He stayed silent for a while, long enough to make his interlocutor ask if he was still here.

“Yes, I… I’m sorry, it’s kind of a lot to take in.” he said, feeling about to cry. “But yes, I agree on meeting you.”

That day, Woohyun went to the newspaper headquarters to hand his resignation. At noon, he met with Kim Sunggyu, the boss of Infinite Books to discuss of a contract. On January 8th, Nam Woohyun’s childhood dream of being a writer became true.

The manuscript was modified, and from thousands it decreased to 807 pages book he called The Wanderings of a Lost Soul. The success was immediate, beyond Woohyun’s and his publisher’s expectations. The critics were full of praise about him and the public got touched by the powerful yet moving portrait of this ordinary man to which everyone can relate, no matter their age or condition. Woohyun was propelled to the rank of celebrity before he could realise.

His book had to be reprinted three times and, at the end of the year, he received the most prestigious literary award in the country as Book of the Year and an international award as Breakthrough of the Year. Infinite Books had received proposals for adaptations in drama and movie. He was requested for interviews and TV programs, people calling him a literary genius. Everything went too fast for him, to the point he got scared of writing again.

The Wanderings of a Lost Soul was written for fun, to relieve stress from his dreary daily life. He never expected something he had created for his own pleasure to cause such a ruckus. What if it was just beginner's luck ? What if he wasn’t as talented as they all thought ? What if what he’ll write later will be a failure ? Woohyun was so worried over this that he faced a writer's block. He could not write anything that he found satisfying, not even a single line. It had been a year and a half now since his first book was published, and its success was beginning to falter. Of course, Woohyun could stop here because he gained enough money to last for a lifetime. But Woohyun wanted to be a writer. Writers don’t stop writing. Voltaire, Jane Austen, Victor Hugo… The writers he admired the most wrote till death stopped them. He wanted to be a writer too. He couldn’t stop just yet.

“You have talent. The rest, I deal with it.” Sunggyu assured him on their last meeting.

Woohyun had a massive problem. He wasn’t inspired. And unfortunately, he wasn’t the type of person who could write without inspiration. He tried to travel, to stay in public places to look at people, to listen to music… He couldn’t find it. In short, he was lost for words. Until very recently, that is, and all because of a certain Lee Sungyeol –who was his editor– A piece of advice though, don’t ever have a professional relationship with your best friend. They allow themselves too much on basis of friendship.

A few weeks ago, Sungyeol brought him an invitation for a dinner gathering destined to the University Graduates, he rolled his eyes and said he won’t go. But Sungyeol was a persistent man. He kept bugging him since he didn’t wanted to go alone –that selfish bastard– and was convinced that seeing their college classmates and recall memories could help Woohyun to write again. He remembered to scoff loudly at that. But since Sungyeol was annoying and it was, as he said, once every five years, Woohyun eventually gave in. He shouldn’t have. Oh dear Lord, he shouldn’t have.

Those who never experienced unrequited love are missing the essential part of this feeling. People saying that love must be shared to be real are either liars or deluded, or maybe both. If real love must be shared to be achieved in its perfection, unrequited love is the form that gets the closest to it. Unrequited love means one person is willing to do anything, including silence its own feelings and be condemned to a perpetual heartbreak, to guarantee the loved one happiness. How many people did it already? The one watching its beloved getting married to someone else and still stood by its side, offering smile and congratulations. The one being forced to listen to the romantic trials and tribulations of the one holding its heart, not allowed to give more than a friendly ear and a comforting shoulder. I cannot think of a greater misfortune to be seen as a friend by your loved one. It’s better to be nothing to your loved one than just a friend. It hurts less. There is two kind of love that can cause that much damage. The one that made you realise you lost your chance right from the beginning -unrequited love that we mentioned earlier- and the love you miss by being too late. That is the most cruel of all. In unrequited love, you know you have no chance whatsoever. When you miss your chance, you spend your life with regrets and “what ifs”. That what’s happened between us. We were two kids lost in the world they call adulthood. Something might have happened if I reached for your hand then. Now it’s too late for us.

It was a warm evening during summer. Lanterns of all colours were hung on trees and gave the place fairy gaits. The University chose to hold the dinner outside and tables were disposed across the main yard. Woohyun felt a bit nostalgic as he saw the campus again. He had spent four years of his life here. Memories were flowing back in his head and he shook his head to push them away.

“Oh, look ! Our table is this way !” said an excited Sungyeol, clinging on his arm as he tugged him along.

Woohyun only sighed and followed, praying for the time to pass quickly so he’ll find the comfort of his bed. He was deep in those thoughts he was startled when he heard a shriek. Sungyeol detached himself from him to run to someone, visibly excited.

“Yah Kim Myungsoo ! I can’t believe you’re here !”

Woohyun got closer and smiled at the man. Myungsoo had been Sungyeol’s roommate during their college days and was in Arts major. The three of them became friends and stayed pretty close until the man became a famous photographer and moved to New York two years ago. They still kept in touch through mails and rare phone calls but that was it. Sometimes you’re bound to lose friends as you move on in your life.

“Myungsoo-yah, it’s so good to see you ! I thought you moved to New York !” Woohyun greeted him.

Myungsoo was smiling and hugged them both, happy to meet them.

“Yah Kim Myungsoo, how come you didn’t tell us you were back in Seoul ?” Sungyeol reproached him.

“Because I’m not.” Myungsoo smiled in that unique smile of his. “My mother receives my letters now that I’m not in Korea anymore. She told me about the reunion and since I wanted to see everyone again, I bought a plane ticket and here I am. I will stay for a week before heading back to New York.”

“I’m happy for you.” Woohyun said. “I read an article about your work in a magazine. You seem to do pretty well in New York.”

“Well, it’s a very inspiring city. So full of life it’s vibrant. You can feel it deep in your core. You should come to New York Woohyun-ah. Writers do well there.”

“Yah, I already lost one friend to New York, I won’t let the other go !” Sungyeol said, wrapping his arms around him like a possessive child.

Myungsoo and Woohyun laughed at him before walking to their table. People were already sitting there. Three men were sitting there.

“Oh my God, I can’t believe my own eyes !” Sungyeol said excitedly as he spotted someone and ran the rest of the way.

When they arrived at the table, they spotted the reason of Sungyeol eagerness right away.

“Dongwoo-hyung !” Woohyun felt himself smiling as he recognized his former classmate. The man had been, like Sungyeol and himself, a Literature major. They rubbed shoulders during four years, friendship coming along the way. Last time Woohyun saw him was on a dedication event Dongwoo came to, congratulating him for his book. He learned then that he became a Literature teacher in a high school which was good, because Dongwoo had always wanted to teach.

“Woohyun !” Dongwoo flashed him his famous bright smile.

Sungyeol unwrapped himself from Dongwoo to let Woohyun greet him. Myungsoo himself was greeting a former classmate, Lee Sungjong, who was now a graphic designer at an animation studio. They sat around the round table. Dongwoo sat on his previous seat, Sungyeol went next to him, Woohyun between him and Myungsoo while the photograph took place next to his classmate. Woohyun set eyes on the only quiet person around, between Dongwoo and the man named Sungjong. He pouted, unsure of himself as he looked at the man whose head was down as he seemed busy looking at his phone.

“Your phone is that exciting that you did not give yourself the trouble to greet newcomers ? It’s not very polite.” He pointed out, making the stranger raise his head, making their eyes meet.

Woohyun froze and cursed himself internally. He should have been more cautious.

“Howon-ah, Woohyun is right. Just drop the phone for a couple of hours. None of your patients are within your responsibility right now. Those doctors, I swear…” Dongwoo said.

“Sorry.” Howon said, putting the phone in his jacket’s pocket. “I didn’t meant to offend anyone.”

Woohyun almost scoffed. It was so typical of him. Always so calm, so collected, so sure of being right all the time. Namely Lee Howon, Dongwoo’s roommate during college days. Or in other words, Woohyun’s outdated crush.

“I’m sorry Howon-shi. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like this.”

“Woohyun-ah, since when do you speak formally ?” Dongwoo asked. “You shouldn’t bother for him. Since this is a reunion, we should all get along and have fun !”

With Sungyeol and Dongwoo combined enthusiasm as their mood-maker, the table soon turned joyful. Sungyeol spoke with great interest about cartoon movies creation process with Sungjong while Myungsoo and Dongwoo were discussing over the acknowledgement of street art as Art. Woohyun and Howon were the only quiet ones. Woohyun wanted to break the ice but it was hard. First, they were never close friends, and the few times they hang out together back in college was because of Dongwoo. Second, Lee Howon had been Woohyun’s secret crush for, let’s be honest, all his college years. He never did anything about it since the number of girls Howon had been with tipped the scales in the straight side. Woohyun had drowned his sorrow into his studies and did so well he was scooted by a newspaper company just after graduation. He resigned himself a long time ago. The reason he was so taken aback is that he never expected to see the man again.

“I read you book.” Howon suddenly said, stopping his thoughts.

“Oh, really ?” he said, surprised, not expecting this. “That’s nice of you.”

“I knew you would make it.” Howon smiled. “You had it in you. Even back in college, when you wrote in the University newspaper… You always were good at writing.”

Woohyun felt his heart skip a bit at those words.

“Hum…” he cleared his throat. “I never knew you, hum, took interest in my work back then.” He said, embarrassed to feel himself blush.

“Well, you did mention you were part of the journal’s team once and I read it out of curiosity.” He shrugged.

“I would’ve never thought you would care.” He confessed, and something passed in Howon’s eyes but it was gone before Woohyun could define what it was.

“What about you ?” Woohyun asked to dispel the uneasiness that begin to settle. “I know you’ve been to med school after obtaining your Bachelor. From what Dongwoo said earlier, I guess you became a doctor.”

“Yes, I did.” Howon said positively. “I’m currently working at the University hospital but I received an offer to do my surgery specialization in Boston. I’m leaving next month.”

“Oh…” Woohyun said, sounding a bit disappointed. “That’s great for you ! I mean, the States are more advanced than us in the medical field. I guess you’ll learn a lot.” He said, trying to sound enthusiastic.

“I guess so.” Howon said shyly.

The conversation generalized itself when the first dishes arrived. Sungyeol started to complain about how hard his job was –being Woohyun’s editor, that is– making everyone laugh but the man concerned. Then Dongwoo started to recall memories and funny stories about college. Howon being his former roommate and Sungyeol as a former classmate were his main victims. Then Myungsoo started to talk about his life and New York and how different the country was compared to theirs. He especially gave advices to Howon since the man would be new in this estranged land. By the end of the evening, everyone exchanged business cards and promised to keep in touch. Myungsoo made Howon promise he would contact him when he’ll move to Boston and Howon felt grateful to know at least one person in the States before his departure. They walked together in the alleys of the campus, remembering their own days there. Sungjong left first, taking a cab to go home. Dongwoo, Sungyeol and Myungsoo planned to go on a bar to talk some more, but Woohyun started to feel tired and not felt up to it so he declined. Howon declined too, saying he had an early shift at the hospital tomorrow.

“Howon-ah, can you do me a favour and drive Woohyun home ?” Sungyeol asked. “We came together with my car so I don’t know how he will make it home without me.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Woohyun answered him. “I’m a big boy. I’ll take a cab. Why do you bother people ?”

“It’s not a bother.” Howon said. “I can drive you home.”

“I live too far from here. It’s getting late and you must be tired. Plus you have work tomorrow. Go home and rest, I’ll take a cab.” Woohyun insisted, but he almost forgot how stubborn Lee Howon was.

“I can drive you home. I want to.” He concluded in a whisper.

That made Woohyun shut up and nod in agreement. The ride was quiet and a bit uncomfortable. Woohyun had never been left alone with Howon before, so he didn’t know how to act. And the fact that he had a crush on this guy in college didn’t helped. He was embarrassed, to say the least.

“So, hum… Are you working on a new novel ?” Howon asked, visibly trying to make some efforts to break the ice.

“I am trying, but nothing comes to my mind. I have a writer’s block.”

“Oh… And you can’t write anything ?”

“Nothing I’m satisfied with.”

“Maybe you should try to not think so much about it. You know… write without thinking if it’s good or bad.” Howon said hesitantly.

“I fear this is something I can’t do.” Woohyun said with a small smile. “I’m a control freak when it comes to writing. I weigh each of my words to see if it comes right or not.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.” Howon said, making him frown.

“What do you mean ?”

“Well, as for your book The Wanderings of a Lost Soul, it goes without saying, naturally. It feels like you wrote it in one go. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it’s not polished or anything… I guess I just want to say that you are good at telling stories. You shouldn’t focus so much on the form and just work on the content.”

Woohyun remained speechless. Not only Howon had read his book, but he seemed genuinely interested by his writing. That made Woohyun a bit uneasy. If Howon kept being so nice, he feared his long repressed feelings resurface. The rest of the ride was silent as Woohyun was in conflict with himself and did not utter a word. When Howon parked in front of his residence, he regained his voice.

“Howon-a