It was only a couple of years ago when I suggested that we go to the park. You gave me those serious eyes that you always so strongly bestow when you don’t like my suggestions. I always know that those eyes will be followed up with a comment of what’s wrong with whatever idea I had. I should be offended by those judging eyes and your spiteful words. But like the love drunken fool that I am they make me smile in response to you. As I do every time I waited for your comment; your reason for my suggestion being such an awful one. “It’s boiling outside Jonghyun.” My smile only grew as I compared your tone to one of a mother’s who was trying not to get frustrated with her son’s ignorance.

“But please?” I didn’t give up on my proposal. I never did. You sighed and shook your head at me. Your actions were all so predictable and they flowed together perfectly. You’re the most graceful human being I ever met even when you frustrated beyond belief.

“I don’t want to.” You persisted with denying me.

“We could have a picnic. Underneath some trees, it wouldn’t be so hot.”  There was a twitch of your lips and a synchronized light in your eyes when I made this suggestion. It wasn’t long after we admitted our love for each other but I knew you were a romantic from watching your previous relationships.

With your old girlfriends you always planned intensely romantic dates. You were always considered to be such a sweet gentleman but I knew your secret. You knew exactly what girls wanted in a perfect romantic date because it’s exactly what you wanted too.

I remembered when you planned a picnic for that girl from school, Eun Mi.  You got so excited planning every little detail. You picked a spot under the most perfect tree. You specially bought a thin cranberry colored piece of fabric to lie underneath you guys as you shared your food. It was cranberry something; you wouldn’t let me call it a blanket or a sheet. You also wouldn’t let me forget that it wasn’t purple. It was cranberry. The cranberry fabric was wasted anyways due to Eun Mi canceling on you.  You were so upset when she told you however I knew it wasn’t because you liked her but because you worked so hard on planning the date.

I think we were both recalling the same memory by the way you stayed silent after I made the suggestion of having a picnic. “Alright.” You finally agreed to go to the park with me.

Even though it was my suggestion you were still the one who made the preparations for the picnic. You rolled up the kimbap and packed the rice. I did however fetch a mango blanket from my room to take with us. Mango not orange, you reminded me in a familiar argument still I didn’t let you convince me that the soft cloth wasn’t a blanket.

I carried our prepared food and blanket on the way to the park. You picked out a shaded area for us to lay down the mango colored blanket. Within a comfortable distance from each other we shared the food and talked about this and that. The words that came out of mouths at first were meaningless nothings. I rambled as usual and tried to get you to admit how I actually had a good idea. You being the stubborn guy that you are refused to admit any such thing and instead fed me kimbap with your fingers as a way to distract my mouth. I hungrily snapped whole bites of the food from your hand as if I was malnourished. Usually when I act in that silly manner you scoff at me but your smile seemed to say you found my actions cute. Or maybe you were just smiling at how well you executed your distraction plan.

Towards the end of our picnic we started to talk about our first. Our first kisses, our first dates, and our first loves. You gave me a name that I forcefully blocked out of my memory and I gave you a name I can’t even remember and fortunately the topic never came up again.

I don’t know why I gave you someone else’s name. I knew at the time as much as I know now that I’ve never loved anyone else but you. I didn’t want to push you away by freaking you out. I guess that’s why I never told you you’re my first and only love.