Taeyeon in this, puts more of her attentions to the group. Let's just say she was in thirst of success

Kim Taeyeon

                Can you believe it? An 18 years old, a girl from Jeonju, made it into the world’s eyes? With 8 other girls. A variation of personality, clashing; coexisting. All the firsts’; the first meeting, the first training, the first sleepover, the first dorm, the first breakfast, lunch, dinner, the first hardship, struggle, pain. Together. They were all worth it. We were young. We were definitely oblivious, naïve. Because as the years pass, more things tend to happen. Good things, but mostly bad things. Everyday living as idols, as public figures, all of us, we grew tired. We still love it, the fame is still worth it, but it’s draining us slowly, painfully. Thank God we had all us nine. Thank God we have our own people; those we can seek out to, those who’d say they’ll be there and is there. Thank God I had mine, Jung Sooyeon.

Taeyeon

                Now the world knows us. The world praises us. The world hates us. We all had those times where we want quit. We want to be normal. Those days come rarely to Tiffany, Sooyoung, Yuri, Seohyun, Sunny, and Hyoyeon. But they come often to Yoona, Jessica, and me. Yoona has always been the positive, happy – go – lucky kid. But with all the drama, the shoots, the group schedules, she’s 20. She wants to have fun, or at least have a lighter time. And it hurts me, as a leader, as someone older, to watch her suffer. When she breaks down and cry, begging everyone to help her, it hurts all of us, but we’d be there for her. We’d tell her to hang on, one more step and we’ll make this stop. She listens every time, even when it doesn’t really stop. And then Jessica. I’ve always liked her. She’s difficult. I’m difficult. A great combination, huh? But frankly, she’s the most fragile among all of us. And I’ve always been there for her. We all have. She’d burst out in tears saying, ‘I can’t do this’, ‘All of it is so overwhelming’ and I’d listen, I’d comfort her. As time passes, we depended on each other. We grew closer. She’s there for me when I’m in need, and vice versa. And that… I felt safe with just that.

Taengoo

                After a few times of performing on stage, training behind closed doors, I came to terms that Jessica is now my safe net. Everyone knew we were the main vocalists because we were pretty good. But one day I heard someone said, “Perfection!”. It blew me off. What perfection? Where? To my surprise they pointed at me. And her. They asked me to sing, her to harmonize. Again they said, “Perfection!”. So we grew even closer. With all the private vocal trainings together plus the dance practice. We were basically stuck with each other. I don’t know why, but I kinda liked it.. Taengoo, she’d coo at me. I loved it. Maybe too much. Time passes and I knew I liked her more than just a friend. When she’s near me, when she calls me Taengoo. It’s reassuring, it’s home. So one day I asked her to be mine. And I saw it. With no hesitation, no questions asked, no doubt, she said yes. What she didn’t know was that was a mistake. A mistake of her for saying yes.

Tae

                When we told the members, they freaked. They were mad. Some stayed silent. And at that moment, with her hands holding mine, squeezing it as assurance, I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help but to let all these bad things flash before my eyes. All of them. Things I couldn’t imagine happening. Things no one would want to experience. And it occurred to me, these terrible things are possible. If I up, they could happen to all of us because we are not immune to them. If I up, we’re all done for. Even after the members were cool with it, I was still scared. I’d get nightmares of them. I’d flinch when anything happens. It was even scarier because I couldn’t tell her. I couldn’t tell my safe net. I couldn’t because imagine how afraid would she be if she knew? How far would she distance herself away from me if she knew? So I backed off first. I distanced myself away from her first. Because it’s easier to hurt than be hurt, right? It’s easier to leave someone in the dark, than to be the one lost, right? And that’s all I did. When she’d seek out for me, I’d run. When she obviously needed me, I’d run. With the thoughts of the group’s safety. They didn’t need a love-wrecked leader. They needed a real leader. And I thought without being with her, with one less risk, we’d be just fine.

Taetae

                She’d try to talk to me. She would. But I can’t. I wasn’t destined to fall in love, I was destined to lead. I’ve been planting that into my brain ever since. Until one day, she stopped all at once. She stopped searching for me. She stopped calling me. She stopped texting me. She stopped noticing me. She stopped calling me Taengoo. No more. And all I hear nowadays is Taetae. Tiffany. I like her, too. She’s actually great. We became closer as I drift an ocean away from her. I achieved my goal. Make her stop, now she has. I should be happy, shouldn’t I? But I’m not. Why am I not? But it hurt so much, I had to ignore it. I knew I have to ignore her and the hurt she afflicted me. I had to convince myself of my purpose in life. The group is my priority, not my feelings. As time passes, I was certain that I’m over her. And before I knew it, Tiffany became the one I seek into, Tiffany became my safe net, Taetae became home. And slowly, so very slowly, I fell for her, too. Tiffany. Now, all I see is her. Now, I believe my happiness is her. She didn’t need to know that. Because she didn’t need to hurt the same way Jessica did. I’m not going to do that again. Not when everything will lead to another disappointment.

Taeyeon

                2014, she looked for me again. She said she wanted to talk, that she has something to say. She said please. Please..? She never says please. She said she was wrong. She said she was sorry. She said something went wrong, she doesn’t know what did, but she was sorry. When it was me. I was wrong. I was the problem. I was a coward when she had been nothing but brave for me. When she had all the rights to curl up in fear, she didn’t. And then she cried. And when she cried, I knew I needed to control myself, but I couldn’t. She was once the love of my life, and I hurt her. So I did what I thought was right. I embraced her. Lying to myself, just as a leader. But my heart knew better. As soon as our bodies came in contact, they part away just as soon.

Pain.

Pain was all I see in her.

Pain was all I felt. Deep, scorching pain. I shouldn’t feel like this. I like Tiffany. I know I do. I can’t lie to her again. Maybe I like both, I don’t know. But this side of her, the side of her that I used to see and stopped seeing, this side of her that I find love – No. You left her in the dark, face it. Now, you can’t be the light.

Kim Taeyeon

                Everyone knew Taeyeon, yet no one knew Kim Taeyeon.

“I can’t do this, Kim Taeyeon.”

Kim Taeyeon?

She looked at me. She looked at me wanting me to stop her. To tell her she was wrong. But how could I?

“What?”

“I can’t watch you look at her like that. I can’t watch you love her like that, Kim Taeyeon.”

Kim Taeyeon? Love?

“Like what?”

“Like she’s everything you’ve ever wanted.” She whispered and then she was gone.

You know when I said there are days I wanted to quit? Because it was so hard? Because everything went wrong? Because it hurts? Well, no . Because this, this? This hurts a whole lot more than that. You put everything together, every single time I wanted to stop doing what I was doing, put all the pain together and you’d get 1/10 of what this feels like.

The fact that she didn’t even leave me in the dark, the fact that she told me clearly what’s wrong, the fact that she cared enough to let me know, showed that I ed up. Taeyeon ed up, Kim Taeyeon ed up harder. When she left the room it hurt. When she left the group? Breathing hurts. But I was stupid. I tried hard being Taeyeon. I held every single pain in that the other members hated me for that. They questioned me about my feelings, questions I don’t have answers to. Until one day, I grew tired of it. I couldn’t do it anymore. Until one day, I broke down, wanting to be Kim Taeyeon. Just Kim Taeyeon. The girl from Jeonju. I begged everyone to accept Kim Taeyeon, to let me be Kim Taeyeon for just one day and be okay with it.

Because now I know, it hurt to see her cry, it hurt to see her leave, it hurt to see her because I love her. I love her and I broke her. She was there when my world darkens, she was there. She was just there, yet everything seemed containable with her existence. But I guess, Taeyeon wouldn’t know that. Taeyeon wouldn’t know that Jessica was and is still the everything she’s ever wanted. Kim Taeyeon knew, but Kim Taeyeon woke up too late.

And then there’s you,

At the end of my parched world,

Within my scattered heart,

Hidden these precious words,

I love you,

And later, Taeyeon knew, too.

Taeyeon knew she'd love her always.

And she lost.

I failed!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hahahaha sorry XD