Time is a funny thing. People usually perceive time as a straight line that just goes on and on, but I think it's actually much more fluid than that because it can go so fast it makes me dizzy or slow enough to make me forget that I need to breathe. And, sometimes, time just stands completely still.

Do you still remember that day when we were browsing through the racks at some dollar store when I picked up a pretty scarf, wrapped it around my neck while looking at my reflection in the cracked mirror and told you how much I liked it? We were teens and we were just friends then even though we've never been really just friends. We were so broke that year, we could barely afford food, so you just took the scarf and ran and I ran after you and the owner was chasing us both down the street, cursing our entire existence and we were laughing despite being terrified of getting caught. My heart was about to burst, my lungs were on fire and my legs were giving when you pulled me by the hand so we could hide under the bridge. Jonghyun, I said, and your eyes lit up at the sound of your name on my tongue. You put the scarf around my shoulders and pulled me towards you until our chests touched and then you stole with your lips what was left of my ragged breathing. You tasted of cookie sticks and  that cheap coffee that none of us actually liked and I lost track of time as I got lost in you.

Remember that time when you saw an ad for free puppies on the internet and you dragged me on a road trip to visit a stranger’s house on the other side of the country? We pulled up on the curb and you rang the bell with shaky hands and a grin and suddenly there were faint tears in your eyes because four puppies decided to make your lap their own kingdom. One of them was crawling up your favourite sweater like it was Mount Hallasan and its tiny claws were poking holes in the fabric but I could see you couldn’t care less because your eyes were shining they way they do when you look at something you love. I recognized it because it’s what I see everytime you look at me. Everything was moving in slow motion as you fell in love with those babies and I knew right there and then that I never wanted to miss one of those moments for as long as we both lived.

And there was also that one time when we were at the convenience store at the end of our street and we thought we were safe even though it was already dark outside because we lived in a nice neighbourhood. That ahjussi looked pretty desperate with that wild look in his eyes and a troubled edge on his voice. He was holding the gun with both hands to keep them steady and he probably thought he was alone with the cashier when he got in, so we must’ve really startled him. Everything happened too fast like a lightning bolt striking the ground but time stood completely still when his trigger finger twitched. The blast echoed through the store and my body moved out of his own accord even before I registered any movement at all because each and every one of my cells was aware of how unbearable it would be to exist in this world without you and their first instinct was to protect you. I murmured your name, Jonghyun, let it roll on my tongue as something wet stained my face. Jonghyun. As I raised my hand to touch your silvery hair, I wished time would never resume again because of how afraid I was. Someone screamed, I think it might have been both of us. I didn’t feel the bullet go in and I didn’t feel any pain at all. But there was pain in your eyes as you laid me down on your lap, which had once been a puppy kingdom, and you kissed me with those lips that now tasted of citrusy tea and chocolate ice cream and they were comforting, they were home, and, suddenly, I just wasn’t so afraid anymore.