Being the 4D member of the group seems only to have perks- from the Maknae following his every move like a puppy/faithful disciple, to Leo watching from the sidelines, appearing jealous but secretly amused. Everyone loved Ken and his multiple sides, his crazy ken-jumma moments that contrasted so much with his powerful voice, and his ability to make someone laugh without even trying. He was the mood-lifter, and the glue when the others seemed to drift away. He’d bring them back with an imitation that they would all groan to and laugh about later, his laugh ringing loudly among theirs. On the nights Hakyeon and Taekwoon hyung’s practices drew late, he’d entertain the dongsaengs with crazy games or reckless dares that always managed to leave them giddy and high with laughter till the early hours of dawn; and when the Vixx members were drained of all energy after a concert or an extra tiring day, it was Jaehwan with his randomness and playfulness that brought smiles to s tired faces.

But there were days that even Jaehwan couldn’t find it in himself to be bright.

~

The past week had been relatively toned down, with no promotions or interviews dotting their schedules each day – even the hours they spent in the practice rooms were more relaxed than usual. These were the kind of days Jaehwan would start playing the fool in the open dance area, calling in Hyuk or Binnie to join him in some crazy dance, or else break into some off pitched song, distracting N and Ravi and driving them mad when they tried to do something productive, while Leo silently watched in the background, trying not to laugh.

But today Jaehwan was nowhere in sight, preferring to hole up within the darkness of the individual practice rooms, training his voice hoarse till the hours they were required to in spend there came to an end.

“Where’s Ken?” It was almost time to leave when Ravi spoke, coming out of one of the larger individual rooms used for composing, “I feel like I’ve not seen him the whole time.”

“He’s in one of the individual rooms,” Leo said softly, putting his hands in his trainer-pockets, “saw him go in there earlier.”

Leo’d been one of the only people who’d immediately known something was off with the other vocal and had kept an eye on him from the beginning. When Ken, with his face down, hoodie up and feet dragging, closed himself up in the vocals practice room, Leo had crossed over to N and nodded in Jaehwan’s direction.

“I know… I noticed too,” Hakyeon’s voice seemed concerned. He stared at the door Jaehwan had shut behind him for a long while, then shook his head, trying to reassure himself rather than Leo. “Don’t worry. It’s Jaehwan. He’ll come around somehow.”

On the other side of the less-than-soundproof walls, Jaehwan sat, knees tucked under chin, arms circling his body. He could hear every word the others spoke, and it sounded like N hyung didn’t really care. “It’s Jaehwan.” He’d said it like that meant Jaehwan equals to happy all the time. But that wasn’t true. Jaehwan was feeling far from happy, lively or bouncy. The fact that they were free these days didn’t seem to help; unable to keep his mind occupied with new lyrics or choreography, or even not being too tired to think, only left him more frustrated. He usually would pour that restless energy into some prank, but today, he just wasn’t feeling it. It was like he had time, time, time, yet he had nothing to do, nothing of purpose. Each second of his life that ticked past felt like a waste.

Jaehwan clutched his head, unable to get rid of the negative emotions washing over him. ‘Why do I feel so incomplete? This life... I don’t like it,’ he thought to himself, ‘why do they not care?’

As if to prove his paranoid thoughts, Ravi’s voice rumbled deeply from the main practice room, “Where’s Ken? I feel like I’ve not seen him the whole time.”

Jaehwan tightened his hands into a fist. ‘See. He didn’t even notice,’ he thought, so annoyed he missed Leo’s mumbled reply. An unstoppable wave of emotion rose up his throat like bile as poisonous thoughts crossed his mind. ‘I’ve got sick of them. I don’t want to associate with them. There’s only so long you could live with five other guys before you can’t tolerate them.’ The crazy thing was, usually he was the first to be considered intolerable…

Ken decided to stop thinking. His own thoughts confused him even more, and the frustration only grew deeper. Irritation led him back out of the individual rooms, whose door he may have slammed harder than necessary. Stunned, the others only stared after him. The climb back down was almost painfully silent- but Jaehwan who usually broke every silence with some joke, found the lack of noise slightly reviving.

~

Jaehwan didn’t bother with food, a wash nor his mattress when they got back to the dorms; as soon as he entered their annex behind the flock of other members, he flung himself onto the couch, face down, and pretended to sleep.

“Ohh~ Jaehwan Hyung looks comfortable there!” Seeing the figure lying flat on the couch, Hyuk’s eyes suddenly perked up. The maknae made his way over to the older guy, probably up to no good; but was stopped by Hongbin who caught his arm and shook his head in warning. He whispered something to the maknae and then shoed him off to the rooms.

Jaehwan flashed an annoyed glance at the retreating figures, Hyuk trotting like an obedient puppy behind Hongbin. ‘Pfft. What losers. I don't like them- I dislike all humans.’ The thought arose as he stared after the two, illogical annoyance boiling within him.  Why he couldn’t stand people… even his own bandmates with whom he lived and worked with each day, Jaehwan couldn’t understand. He was suddenly sick of people, and wanted to be alone.

“Isn’t Jaehwan coming for dinner?” Ravi, the last to arrive out of his room after a wash, asked loudly. Jaehwan felt like throwing something at the guy – was it so hard to realize I wanted a bit of privacy? He’d have gone to the rooms if the boys didn’t troop in and out every few seconds; as it was, being in the furthest corner of the living room area was his best escape. (He couldn’t even hide in the laundry area because Leo had been circling that area the whole time he had been preparing dinner.)

Leo sighed and shook his head, telling Ravi to go ahead and eat. “I’ll try call him…” he said, when Ravi wouldn’t leave the matter.

Ken tensed as he heard the footsteps approach him.

“Jae-Jaehwan-ah?” Leo asked softly, “aren’t you gonna come?”

Not looking up, he shook his head.

“Aren’t you hungry?”

Ken shook his head again. His stomach protested, rumbling loudly, but he chose to ignore it, even though the Ramyeon did smell delicious.

Leo just nodded and walked back. He was slightly saddened that the other vocal didn’t want to eat the dinner he’d cooked, but he didn’t let it show. “Take more,” he offered the maknae line, still refusing to serve himself. Jaehwan just hmph’d to himself and twisted around so that he couldn’t see the others. And now Taekwoon is making sure there’ll be none left for the ungrateful me, right? He sniffed self-consciously. Fine, be like that. I don’t care.

~

By the time Hakyeon returned from the practice rooms, silence had flooded the small annex, and most of the dorm lights, save the dim light in the kitchen, were turned off. N couldn’t help but smile, thinking of his ‘kids’ all peacefully asleep.

In the silence of past mid-night, Hakyeon took a quick bath after fishing around in the kitchen and discovering a small portion of Ramyeon Leo had been kind enough to hide from the others and save for N. As usual, before he went to sleep, he checked on all the members: Ravi and Hongbin were fast asleep, huddled together in the corner of the smaller room, the former snoring loudly. Hakyeon couldn’t help but smile to himself as he shut their door behind him – these boys, s, just made him feel complete, somehow. Still smiling, he tiptoed to the other room: Leo was sleeping with Hyuk sprawled beside him, a leg over his waist. Hakyeon was about to lay down on the other side of the maknae, when he paused: Wait… where’s Ken?

Sudden worry crossed Hakyeon’s brow. Where was that boy? Before it turned into panic and irrationality, Hakyeon, though reluctant to, woke the peaceful looking Taekwoon and asked him in an urgent rasp where Jaehwan was. Leo blinked, confused for a few seconds, then mumbled that Ken had said something about sleeping in the other room, and (he added before Hakyeon took off too soon) he should probably check the living room as well, because Ken had still been curled up on the couch when he'd gone around to switch the lights off once all the others were in bed.

With his worries barely eased, Hakyeon nodded and went out to check the first room again. This time, he flicked the light on –Hongbin tossed to the other side in his sleep, and Ravi, as predicted, didn’t budge– and was about to leave when he heard a small gasp come from around the cupboards.

~

The lights go off again, and Jaehwan lets out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding.

He had been hiding in the cupboard for quite some time now, a cramp itching its way up numbly across his legs which had no moving space. Despite the discomfort, he felt so much calmer in this clamped up place, as if the wood around him protected him from not just the world, but his stupid insecure thoughts. No longer did Hakyeon’s words sting as much as it had stung at the practice room; Ravi’s comment didn’t hurt as much, either. Leo seemed to actually care… they all did, really. He’d just been too stupid, too messed up with an overload of emotion to notice.

They do care about me… he thought, and suddenly hated himself for acting the way he had done.

“Ken…?”

The familiar voice interrupting his thoughts made him jump out of his skin, his heart leaping somewhere near his mouth. I thought you’d left, Hakyeon….

“Ken?” came Hakyeon’s voice again when there was no reply.

“K-Ken is not here,” he answered stupidly, trying (and failing) to keep the stammer out of his voice.

Ken could hear the smirk in Hakyeon’s voice: “The last time I checked, cupboards don’t talk,” Hakyeon laughed, “coming out?”

Ken sat, frozen, his heart and mind racing. Why is Hakyeon talking to me? Isn't he mad at how uncoorperative I've been the whole day? Why is he...here...? And that's when something snapped within him. He's here... 

Ken came out, fell out of the cupboard, right into Hakyeon’s arms.

He usually didn’t hug his hyung like this; he usually didn’t hug anyone – but here he was, clinging onto Hakyeon like his life depended on it. Semi-consciously, Jaehwan realized that more than half the reason he’d stayed up was to wait for Hakyeon. He couldn’t put a finger on why, but somehow the leader hyung… could make him feel better. His steady gaze gave confidence, and his embrace, stregnth. N could to things that sometimes only a mother could – no, even my own mother isn’t capable of calming me down when I get into these moods…

Jaehwan held onto the the other guy, a sudden desparateness edging up his silhouette. From deep within, he felt a giant sob rise to the surface like a bubble, and though it nearly tore him apart, Jaehwan tried to supress it. Ever patient,  Hakyeon patted Jaehwan’s back, and that’s when the first tear slid down his cheek. Where it had come from, he didn’t know. All he knew was he’d been horrible, and he regretted acting that way to everyone. Unable to face Hakyeon after all the negative thoughts he’d had of him, Jaehwan just buried his face deep in the other’s chest, muttering over and over again, “I’m sorry, hyung, I’m just… I’m just sorry…”

All that while, Hakyeon said nothing, just holding him the entire time in his protective embrace, smiling slightly. He didn’t scold; he didn’t ask – he was just there, and that’s all Jaehwan needed. Slowly, relief washed in the areas that had earlier been cobwebbed by darker thoughts, and the gaping hole of incompleteness, uselessness and hatred was filled with care. When Ken finally stepped back, he felt cleaner and lighter.

He felt whole again.

“Feeling better?” Hakyeon asked when he felt it was finally safe to talk, his smile visible from just his voice. Jaehwan could only nod, not trusting himself to speak, knowing that if he did, his voice would crack and he might cry in front of the leader again. Hakyeon's smile widened as he pulled the boy in closer. “That’s good,” he said as he brushed the hair out of Jaehwan's face, and closed his eyes, leaning forward.

"That's good..." Hakyeon mumbled again, and kissed Jaehwan on the forehead.

Fin.