Chapter 1: Hello??

Chapter 1: This is hella cute

Chapter 1: I know it's been awhile but please update when you can. =)

Chapter 1: Sorry for the cluster; I forgot this had a character limit so I had to break it up into chunks (read from bottom comment to top), as well as the lack of italicization in here.

Chapter 1: For the first crossed off sentence, because it was written as an afterthought, it could be bracketed or italicized.

Ie. Italics
Irene successfully swallowed the food without choking any further – and embarrassing herself in front of a living goddess, and proceeded to ask…

For the second crossed off sentence, it sounded like a hidden thought for Irene so I had it italicized after her dialogue. If it was meant to be heard by Wendy (thus, a slip up on Irene’s part), it would be:

“Hi, sorry about that, how may I help you? Have you lost your way back to heaven?”

The blonde giggled.

Irene’s eyes widened – realizing too late that the words had just slipped from her lips.

There would need to be a description of her embarrassment to let the reader know that it was a mistake and that Wendy (whom wasn’t supposed to hear it) had heard.

So far not bad – just need some tinkering here and there and you’ll be even better than you already are for simply writing. I hope this constructive crit of mine was helpful and most importantly, understandable. If you have any more questions, let me know and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. I tried to be as in depth and detailed as possible so hopefully it’s all clear. If not, hit me up and I’ll clarify. Keep it up.

Chapter 1: As you can see, there’s a certain “flair” or “color” to the paragraph; it captures the reader’s attention because it uses action words like “swallow”, “spin”, and “tripping” for impact, and descriptions like “deep” and “crisp” for imagery. It covers some of the reader’s senses – sight (red lips, brown eyes) and smell (scented lavender), allowing for an attachment to the sentence they’re reading. It also has a “snarky” attitude (“…much too beautiful but that was beside the point,”) for additional tone. Basically, do more of “show” and refrain from solely relying on just doing “tell”.

Also, as a personal preference of mine, I usually avoid the use of “you” in stories because I don’t really like breaking the 4th wall; I don’t like reaching out to readers as if I’m talking to them because I’d rather they feel my words through the sentences they read. But of course, you still can; it just feels more “professional” without it as opposed to its informality.

For the crossed off sentences; “Have you lost your way back to heaven?”, it’s easier on the eyes if it were either in brackets ( ) or italicized.

Ie. Brackets
Irene successfully swallowed the food without choking any further (and embarrassing herself in front of a living goddess) and proceeded to ask, “Hi, sorry about that, how may I help you?” Have you lost your way back to heaven?

Chapter 1: I see what you might be having trouble with. It’s present vs past tense; you tend to switch between the two within the same context when it should only stick to one or the other (unless required).

Ie. First paragraph
Irene had never been in a relationship. It wasn’t that she was unattractive. She was beautiful. Her beauty and grace caught the hearts of many – people walked past her only to turn around to do a double take at such a gorgeous specimen. “God had definitely spent more time on her,” was what you’d hear when you asked about Irene Bae.

Since you went with “have” then went to “wasn’t”, it had to be one or the other; “have” implies present whilst “wasn’t” implies past. Because the majority of the paragraph went with past tense, I rewrote it into past tense.

The tenses continue to switch back and forth until the end of the chapter. Tenses are definitely tough to deal with (I struggle with it too), so it’s a work in progress.

Now for the impact within your sentences – I’ll change that same paragraph above to have more “flair” and from there, you will hopefully understand what I mean by it for your future works.

Ie.
Irene hadn’t ever been in a relationship – not that she was unattractive (on the contrary, she was much too beautiful but that was beside the point). Her beauty and grace caught the hearts of many. People strolled past only to spin around a second later to swallow the image of carved perfection, tripping over the sight of her deep brown eyes, crisp red lips, and wisps of scented lavender. “God had definitely spent more time on her,” was what people would hear when one asked for her name – Irene Bae.