It's the little moments that I cherish most. Like lying in his arms under the faint glow from the moon outside our bedroom window. The rise and fall of his chest as he finally finds calm after a long schedule. How his eyelashes fan out, lips pursed and I do nothing but stare at this beautiful being. But it's also moments like these that I fear most. Moments where vulnerabilities consume me and I'm haunted by the flaws of this relationship.

Namjoon has always been a good partner. He was passionate. He was my source of happiness. He was always giving his best; always making me feel that he loved me. That despite his career, I was top priority. Key word: WAS. But then again, had I been too much? Had I expected too much? Had I hoped too much than what he could offer?

It had started a month ago, at a friend's wedding that Namjoon had surprisingly agreed to be my date to.

“So you must be the famous Kim Namjoon. It's great to finally meet you.” my friend Sora offered a hand, “I hope Y/N hasn't been harassing you for a proposal. Or children. Or both!” she giggles earning a quizzical look from said man.

I would have dragged Namjoon out of there if she hadn't opened a second later; “I can't believe we're still not getting any invitations from both of you, considering how all this girl can talk about is having a family of her own. And yet she's the only one left in the squad that's not married or engaged!”

“Y-yeah. You know what? I think it's time we go congratulate the married couple. I'll see you later, Sora!” I quipped, pulling a still frozen Namjoon towards the couple greeting their guests.

Maybe I did come off a little awkward towards Sora, who was practically my sister already, but had she not run like that it wouldn't have turned out that way. I had been hoping for a family of my own, yes; and I couldn't have thought of anyone else I wanted it with except for Namjoon. The bad thing about it all was how he never knew. Or maybe he did, but never really said anything to avoid breaking my heart.

I knew. I knew how Namjoon thought it was a subject out of discussion. I knew that it wasn't an idea that he gladly mulled over. I knew that a family with Namjoon was only an image I had painted in my head and kept tucked in the dark crevices of my mind; and for a good reason too. He was an idol. He was an idol with a bright future. He was an idol who carried 6 other lives on his shoulders, that with a tiny slip he could fall and bring the rest of s down with him. Literally and figuratively. And I didn't want that happening to him. Despite how busy he grew to become. Despite how distant he sometimes tended to be. Despite how tired loving him had turned out to be, I didn't want to give up. We were in too deep that it was too hard to come up for air and swim away.

“You know how hard my job is, right? I'm not really in a position right now to be thinking of getting married, let alone starting a family. You know I love you, jagi, and I would love nothing else than to spend my lifetime with you. But this isn't the right time for that.”

I hadn't expected it to come from him. He was never one to speak so seriously about our relationship. It had always been just simple and uncomplicated. He loved me. I loved him. And as long as we understood that, then it was all good. But he never really did know about how much I had wanted a family. How I had wanted to settle down already. How I wanted so badly to be reassured that we were meant to be together. That we will be together, ever after. But Namjoon had a blossoming career. And he had a long way to go even after years since their debut.

“I know, Namjoon. We even agreed not to reveal anything to the public, remember? Even our dating rumors were denied from the beginning. Your career is important. So are the members. I wouldn't want you sacrificing them over little things.”

“You make me seem like a selfish , Y/N. You know that's not what I mean. You know how difficult things will be for us if we rush into things! You never think things over. You always jump into your imaginations without weighing out the consequences!” he spat, brushing his fingers through his hair roughly — a clear manifestation of how angry he truly was. That was the first time I ever heard him raise his voice in front of me.

‘I know. I just wish I didn't have to wake up every morning with the fear of having to lose you.’ I had wanted to say, but that wouldn't be fair. So I apologized. Said sorry and walked into the bathroom.

“This is why I sometimes ask myself why we're even here, Y/N. You knew from the beginning about who I am and what I do. I even told you countless times that this was hopeless because you want something I can't give you. Or at least not when you want it. But you told me it didn't matter. And I held onto that because I love you too much to just let go of you, to let go of this, of us. But what's happening to us?”

I heard him stepping out of the apartment moments later and that's when I started crying. That was the thing about this relationship. We wanted different things with our lives. He wanted to be a great artist, a good leader. I wanted to build a life with the man I love, content with the career I already had. He was bathed in lights and support from fans, making music and living a dream. I was satisfied with an 8-hour teaching job, dealing with teen angst and their lack of appreciation for literature. He loved his job. I loved mine. He looked forward to seeing his fans. I was always ecstatic to see my kids. He didn't come home that night.

It took us a week to settle back into our “normal” routine; the past days spent ignoring each other, avoiding each other's eyes like the plague. It was hard on me having been too attached to him already. I guess it was hard on him too because on that day he came home with one yellow tulip in his hand; a peace offering I had assumed. I loved tulips. We spent the remaining hours of that day studying each other, getting to know each other again as if those seven days spent in silence had erased every bit of memory we had of each other. I fell asleep in his arms that night, just the way I should be — bare skin flushed against each other, connected like strong magnets. But the idea of him leaving kept haunting me.

And that's how I find myself here, right in this very moment, asking myself if I had enough courage to walk away from this relationship that grew more and more complicated as I had thought about it. Wondering if I was ready to get up and move away from this man's warm embrace, take out the luggage I had packed earlier that day hidden in the closet, and walk out the door with the littlest regret. I had thought and thought, the ticking of the clock reminding me that I had only a few hours left before he was supposed to be up for a schedule in the early morning. But then I felt a movement beside me on the bed before I find his arm slithering across my waist, a hand settled on my stomach. I was in no way near ‘fit’ but he never cared; at least that's what he told me.

“Mmmhmm. I got you a couple bottles of maple syrup today. It's in the kitchen cupboard.” he grumbled, unaware of my shaking heart. “I still don't understand how someone can love maple syrup that much. You even have bacon with maple syrup. You went through that last bottle in less than 2 weeks.”

“Well, I still don't get why you never find the stuff that good.”

“No wonder you've been feeling sick lately, baby. You're practically drinking an entire bottle at this rate. That can't be good. I think you need an intervention.” he laughed. His nose in my hair as I feel his cold fingers grazing the skin of my stomach.

“Oh yeah? Then I guess I should pack up for maple syrup rehab then, huh? Or maybe the gym? I feel like I've been gaining too much weight.”

“Nuh-uh. You're not going anywhere. And besides, you're perfectly fine the way you are. You are beautiful. Your heart is beautiful. And I'm the luckiest man to have found someone like you. Someone who sees the good in me still, despite the fact that I'm not good enough for them. Someone who never fails to love me despite the things I can never give them. Someone who loves unconditionally. Our kid's going to be the luckiest too, to have an amazing mother like you. My mom would be so jealous of how amazing of a mother you would be. Of how I am already in too deep with you that I skip out on meeting her sometimes for you. But she already loves you as much so I guess that's not a problem. And I swear I'll be a better father. A better husband. When that time comes.”

I froze. The way he said it was so nonchalant. Like he had not shrugged away the idea of family so many times before. Like he had not avoided the idea of his own family then.

“Did I hear you right? Did the one and only Kim Namjoon just talk about what I thought he talked about? Who are you and what did you do to my boyfriend?” I let out a small laugh, badly trying to ease my racing heart. Namjoon was never the one to talk about things like these.

“I'm serious, Y/N.” he pulled me closer, before setting our interlaced fingers back on my tummy;

“I may not be ready to give you the life you want right now but I'm sure as hell that I want nothing else in life but to have you in it. And I want you to remember that. God! I love you so much, it's overwhelming sometimes. But I wouldn't want it any other way. I want you. I want a family with you. I want the rest of my life to be spent with you.”

And that's when I noticed, the silver band on my ring finger that was never there from the beginning. And I couldn't help the smile growing on my face as I glanced out towards the moon before finally giving in to sleep. Namjoon drifting back to rest as his breaths started to grow even. My sleepy monster who'd been working his off for another concert tour.

We were foolish to have invested so much in a relationship that asked so much more than what we could give. We were foolish enough to have stayed with each other despite the obvious differences we could effortlessly list down. But so what if we were fools? I love him. He loves me. And as long as we understood that, as long as we wanted the same thing in the end, as long as we genuinely fought through circumstances to keep that love, that union strong, that's what matters the most.