It had been 3 months since you had broken up with Jungkook and you decided that it was officially the worst decision you had ever made. You couldn’t deny it, you did feel some relief after it was over but that was all short-lived as your mind began to fill with thoughts of regret and ‘what if’s. What you thought was hell turned out to be just the beginning of something far worse. You hated yourself for letting him go but that wouldn’t bring him back.  Nothing would. Nothing could. All you could do was try to move forward.

                Moving forward proved to be much more difficult than you expected. You liked experimenting with clothing, hair or makeup to distract yourself but you decided that the first big step would be to get out of your house, so not knowing where else to go you went to the café you always met Jungkook at. It turned out to be stupid idea, and you found yourself unconsciously looking out for him to show up at any moment. You were growing impatient and had to remind yourself that you weren’t waiting for anyone. You were here alone. And just as you were about to give up on your attempt to give yourself a life outside home, none other than Jungkook made his way through the door right past you. It put an instant smile on your face that faded a few seconds later when you realized he wasn’t alone.

                Jessica. He was with Jessica. And just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, she looked straight at you then placed a kiss directly on Jungkook’s sweet lips before looking back and smiling haughtily at you. Was she really rubbing this in your face right now? How did she even notice you?

                It must have been because of your bright red hair. You dyed it the other day in attempt to entertain yourself a bit. It was fun and you liked the color but right now it wasn’t doing you any good. He didn’t even seem to notice you, or he was ignoring you. But still, all you could do was stand and stare. He had slipped right out of your hands and into the clutches of someone you thought was a friend. You felt the tears swelling up into your eyes so you did the only thing you could think to do. You ran. You ran right out of the building until you got home. Luckily it wasn’t that far, but in all your haste and mental chaos you failed to notice the look on Jungkook’s face when he saw that red-haired girl, who strangely reminded him of you, run out of the café or his ever so slightly indignant expression when Jessica had kissed him. All you knew, or thought, was that he was gone from your life one second and mockingly dangled in front of you the next and that you had to get away.

 

                “There’s no life where there’s no hope.” You told yourself. It had been about a week since you saw Jungkook and Jessica at the café together. You had thought in many, many circles by that point about how it wasn’t fair that they were together now but it was you who dumped him so who were you to complain but still, they were at your café. Your and Jungkook’s café. That just wasn’t something you were supposed to do, but then again, if Jungkook really loved her and she wanted to go, you were sure he wouldn’t say ‘no’. You just couldn’t imagine them being compatible in any way, but it didn’t matter what you thought. They were together and that was that.

                You were tired of thinking and arguing with yourself about Jungkook and Jessica. You just wanted them out of your life so you could do your best to move on. You gave yourself a pep talk and told yourself it was a new week and a fresh start so what better way to spend it than to treat yourself to a nice, warm cup of coffee… or an ice cream. It was freezing outside but the weather never really affected your decisions. Normally you’d go for the coffee and the caffeine because of the ever-present fatigue you could never shake off, but you doubted you’d be able to hold yourself together being in that same café again. So off you went to the nearest ice cream shop.

                It’d be nice, you convinced yourself, because you and Jungkook rarely went there due to all his brain freezes. He was never a big fan of ice cream or cold treats and you were indifferent so naturally you two would rarely go out for ice cream. But enough about Jungkook. You wanted to forget him.

                You found yourself later trying really hard to remember this as you awkwardly fumbled with your wallet in front of the cute cashier who was obviously flirting with you. You felt like you were being unfaithful but to who? You were single now. Jungkook had Jessica and you could have whoever you wanted. So instead of blowing off all his advances, you smiled and complimented him right back saying he had a nice smile. Your flirting game wasn’t nearly on his same level but it was something you wouldn’t normally do. It was a start, a start that definitely led somewhere because sometime later while you were enjoying your ice cream the cute cashier asked to join you by your table and you said ‘yes’.

                His name was Taehyung. Kim Taehyung. And he was a flirt. It seemed a bit much at first but it all came so naturally to him. The words just flowed out of his mouth, and you didn’t mind. It was flattering. After the two of you chatted a while you decided to exchange information. You learned a lot about him, mostly random things, but you didn’t mind. That was what made him special, besides the name ‘V’ which he introduced himself as although it had no relation to his actual name. When you met with him for a second time and a third, you learned that he had also recently broken up with his partner. She was a “total flirt” he told you.

                “No offense, but aren’t you also kinda like that?” you asked.

                He laughed,

                “Well, yes, but I wasn’t like this when I was dating her. She was always like this, even during our relationship with other guys.” He paused a bit, the pain of his memories catching up with him, “That’s why I broke up with her… but she didn’t seem to care at all. Flirting was nothing to her and I guess it became nothing to me either.” He shrugged.

                “Oh, (Y/N), just to clarify, I don’t wanna date you.” He said. “even though you’re cute.” He added.

                You laughed.

                “Oh, okay, same here. I just didn’t know how to say it or bring it up.” You said, “I’m a bit awkward that way.”

                He smirked and said with a wink, “but you’re cute when you’re awkward.”

                “Are you still flirting with me?” you asked, amused.

                “Yes.” He answered coolly while leaning back in his chair.

                “Okay.” You laughed.

                The two of you had a strange relationship. It was completely platonic. Even if you had liked V or “Tae” that way, you’d distance yourself. “Friends with benefits” types of relationships never seemed appealing and you were not willing to be in any kind of romantic relationship again. Your first ex wrecked you and you were completely broken after Jungkook. You swore you would never let yourself love again. So luckily for you, you two had no more than a normal friendship and you both admitted that, but despite all this you two would still often confuse the people around you. You didn’t mind though. Neither of you did. The flirting was more of a joke between you two than anything else.

 

                He brought a new light into your life. You were now spending more and more time outside instead of at home on your couch. Hanging out with or chatting him became the new highlight of your day. You weren’t constantly anxious or on-edge anymore. It didn’t completely go away but it had significantly lessened.

                You loved this new you. It didn’t hurt so much just to live or exist. You were getting better. You were actually healing, but why only now? Why not with Jungkook?

                You thought out loud, sprawled on Tae’s couch, waiting for his input.

                “Maybe you just weren’t letting yourself heal when he was around.” He said, “In other words, you were siking yourself out. Making friends can seem a lot less intimidating than getting a boyfriend. You were just afraid of the possible pain, right?”

                You thought about it.

                “Yeah, sounds about right.” You said.

                If this was really true then just maybe with enough confidence and faith in your relationship it could have worked. You wouldn’t have freaked out and over-thought everything.

                You sighed.

                “It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over. I don’t think I can make myself regret this anymore than I already do.”

                The air around you two seemed heavier and more suffocating. You lay there in silence, a slight frown on your face. But Taehyung, being the happy-go-lucky goof-ball he was, couldn’t take much of it. He slid across the couch to where you lay and scooped you up to let you rest against him.

                “It’s okay, darling.” He smiled at you, “It’ll be okay my adorable, sweet candy sugar plum pie cake.”

                You raised your eyebrows at his new nickname for you as if saying ‘seriously?’

                “What? It’s creative. I bet no one else calls you that.” he said.

                “I don’t think anyone calls anyone that.” You retorted.

                “Well that just makes us special,” he smiled before adding, “my sweet candy sugar plum pie cake.”

                You couldn’t help but smile.

                “Okay, V… My V-ery berry chocolate cherry.”

                “Mine’s better.” He said, plainly.

                “No, it’s not.” You argued.

                “Yes.”

                “No.”

                “Yes.”

                You jumped up, grabbed a pillow and proceeded to whack him with it but he blocked your attack with the pillow next to him. You continued your advances for a while before giving up and attacking him straight on. You wrestled for a while, neither of you willing to admit defeat. You wished Tae would let you win but at the same time you knew he would never just give in. He probably wouldn’t even let a girlfriend win in a wrestling match with him. He was too stubborn, but this motivated you and fueled your energy.

                It was a pretty even match but in the end V won, and you knew he wouldn’t ever let you forget so you started going on and on about how you weren’t trying your hardest and how it wasn’t even fair in the first place because you were a girl.

                “You should have seen the horror on your face when you lost!” He laughed.

                “Oh, shut up!” you lightly punched his shoulder.

 

                When you got home that night you replayed the day’s events in your head. It was just something you did to cherish the good times and pleasant memories because you didn’t want to take things for granted. You smiled. It was the first time in such a long time you actually felt happy. Wrestling was so much fun although you were embarrassed to admit it. You thought it was childish. The last time you wrestled though was with… Jungkook. Why did he keep coming up?

 

Flashback

“Kookie-ah!” you pleaded when you realized you had the underhand. He was towering over you and all you could think of was to try and “exploit” his weakness. It made him weak in the knees when you would smile at him cutely with your aegyo and you knew it. Now all you had to do was use it in a subtle way not to give away the fact that you knew you were losing and that this was your last resort.

“Kookie?” you said in a soft, innocent voice. You tilted your head slightly down so you could look at him up from under your lashes. His counting stopped and his grip on your shoulders loosened. “Hm, never mind” you mumbled with a pout while turning your head away from him.

You knew it must have been working because of the silence that came from him followed by a nervous gulp. He lifted a hand to wipe his forehead and while he did you took the opportunity to push him up and over onto his back.

He groaned. It was music to your ears. Something about it was just so hot.

“You did that on purpose didn’t you, Jagiya!” he whined.

You put on your best clueless expression, but couldn’t hold it. How could he be so hot but cute at the same time?

“Well what else am I supposed to do?” you defended yourself, “you’re stronger than me, Kookie!”

“Then just accept your loss.” He said.

His competitiveness was one of his many charms but you weren’t about to back down just yet. You weren’t as competitive as him but you liked to think that your stubbornness made up for it. You had won a couple times before, only because he had pity on you, but considering how many times you two had wrestled it was nothing anyways. Still, you were determined to win.

You struggled to keep his shoulders down as he swiped your hands away with his arms. You then decided to try a move he did on you, but with a twist. Desperate times called for desperate measures, so grabbing both his wrists you pinned them above his head with your right hand. The position startled him. He wasn’t used to seeing such a daring, dominant side of you. The position left him so vulnerable but he didn’t struggle much. He was curious to see what you would do next.

His patience served him well because within the next few seconds you kissed him. The first was soft, the second was slightly stronger, and all left his mind by the third.

He couldn’t help but notice you smiling into the kisses so the next time you pulled away he asked you why.

“I won!” you said in triumph, “I’ve pinned you down for over ten seconds now.”

When the realization came over him, an instant pout appeared on his face.

“Jagiya! But that’s cheating!” he whined. You giggled but gradually stopped when you saw another expression take over his face. It was a dark smirk with a hint of mischief.

“You know what happens to cheaters, don’t you, Jagiya?” he asked sweetly. “They get punished.” He said with a wink.

“Kookie! That’s weird! Don’t say stuff like that!” you squealed as you jumped up off of him to run to the couch.

End of flashback

 

The memory left you with a broken smile. You missed those playful times with Jungkook. You missed the feeling of his soft lips pressed roughly against yours. You missed everything so much. So here you were in bed at two something A.M. reliving these memories in your head. You were pathetic.

You took out your phone to text Taehyung.

 

You: Hey

You: Do you wanna do something or go somewhere tomorrow? I really need something to look forward to and to distract me.

TaeTae: Sure do you wanna go to the mall?

You: You’re awake?? It’s past 2

TaeTae: You’re awake too why can’t I be

You: Okay, nevermind then

You: So the mall?

TaeTae: Yeah I’ll come by your place at 10 then. We can play that game I was talking about earlier too

You: Which one?

TaeTae: Where we go out and pick clothes for each other and we have to try it on and take a pic no matter what it is.

You: Sounds good.

TaeTae: I’m laughing my evil laugh right now.

You: You won’t be for long.

TaeTae: We’ll see. For now just sleep, (Y/N)

TaeTae: My sweet candy sugar plum pie cake

You: Nighty Nights my very berry chocolate cherry

TaeTae: Sweet heavenly nights to you too darling

 

                The next day you were up at eight to get ready. Having gotten a little over five hours of sleep, which was far more than usual, you felt very refreshed. You spent the first hour getting your breakfast cooked and eaten plus taking a nice warm shower. The second hour you spent picking a nice outfit out for the day and doing hair and makeup. You liked taking your time in the morning and you could never sleep very long anyways, so early mornings were enjoyable to you.

                As the two of you walked through the mall, every once in a while a random stranger would complement one of you on your clothing or hair. It wasn’t uncommon or strange to you two anymore. You accepted the attention without much thought, but Tae would get possessive if it was directed towards you. He liked to pretend you were his girlfriend in these cases and would “freak out” and make a big scene. It was just another one of his games, you figured. He was weird that way but you didn’t mind.

                What you did mind was him showing people embarrassing pictures of you but you wouldn’t imagine him doing anything like that until just a second ago. The two of you had just come out of a clothing store with new pictures on your phone from the game Tae suggested the night before. You tried on two hideous outfits and one bikini and the pictures were all on his phone. And being your best friend, he did none other than set the picture of you in that bikini as his wallpaper saying that it was supposed to help you with your self-esteem. Then, some random guy decided to compliment you with a wink at that very moment, causing V to “freak out” and go on and on about how you were his girlfriend. HIS girlfriend and how he even had a picture of you in a bikini as his wallpaper. He was waving the picture in that guy’s face as you stood there shocked he would do such a thing. It was only when Tae had finally scared the guy off that you started to scold him about the issue of privacy and personal things.

                After all the fun and chaos of your “fashion game” as he called it, you two stopped to sit at a café to relax a bit. It happened to be the competition of the café you and Jungkook loved so much. It was directly across the way and there wasn’t much of a difference but you didn’t want to set foot in that café again. Tae knew it too. It was somewhat of an unspoken rule that came into effect after you told him what happened there. He did get on your nerves at times but overall he was very thoughtful. He was going to take you further to another café thinking that this one could still be too close but you insisted that this one was fine because you didn’t want to walk.

                Once you were settled in your seat with a hot caramel macchiato and a slice of dark chocolate cake to share with Tae, you noticed someone else come in. You wouldn’t have noticed unless this person looked familiar to you so they obviously looked familiar, but this was too familiar. He wore a loose, red, ed flannel and a long, black tee with skinny jeans, converse, a beanie and sunglasses. It was Jungkook. He had a strong build, maybe even more so than the last time you saw him, and a very serious, adult-like aura about him. He wasn’t the same boy you remembered from before.

You couldn’t help but stare the whole time as he ordered a drink and picked out a seat.

                “What are you staring- oh.” Taehyung said. His eyes followed yours to land on Jungkook. “He looks upset.”

                You didn’t reply. You didn’t even know what to think. Should you be mad at him for letting you go so easily? But it was kind of your fault for dumping him in the first place. Now you couldn’t decide whether you wanted to hide and leave or not. A part of you wanted to get away at all costs but the other part wanted him to see you with Taehyung and be mistaken like everyone else who saw you two. You wanted him to think you were fine without him, maybe even make him a little jealous or hurt like you were when you saw him with Jessica fawning all over him.

                You felt a tap on your hand and your eyes left Jungkook for a second to glance at Tae.

                “Hey, (Y/N)?” he asked, “Do you think he’s here to meet with his girlfriend?”

                You felt a jab of pain mixed with anger and confusion as the words came out of his mouth.

                “Uhm, sorry, nevermind” Tae said when he saw your expression. “hey… you know we can leave if you want.”

                You stayed silent a while. You couldn’t decide what you wanted. Now it was over whether or not you wanted to stay and see if he was really here with someone. You felt like you could almost swear he was only here alone but it didn’t make sense.

                “Tae, I think I wanna stay and see if anyone comes to see him.” You said.

                “Are you sure that’s a good idea?” he asked, “because what will you do if someone does come?”

                “I’ll know for sure that there’s no chance of me ever being with him again and I’ll move on.” You answered.

                “But what if someone comes and it’s not his girlfriend? We’ll never know. Or what if no one comes but he really does have a girlfriend and he just wants to be alone today?” he said.

                “Well then- then I don’t know!” You whined putting your face in your hands. “Let’s just… go.” You said.

He nodded and stood to take your untouched cake to be packed so you could bring it with you to wherever you two decided to go next. While he got your food and drinks together to go you sat there in your seat trying not to look or peek at Jungkook again. Tae finished pretty quickly and handing you your cup, he helped you up and offered his arm. You took it without thinking twice. You liked walking with people like this. Whenever you and Jungkook went out you would cling on to his arm like this instead of holding his hand. It was just a personal preference.

                It only occurred to you that it’d look awfully suspicious to Jungkook as you were halfway out the door so you gave a quick glance back. Your mind froze at what you saw. He wasn’t looking at you. Or maybe he was because you could never tell with sunglasses, but he wasn’t facing you. His head was tilted slightly down, facing his phone and he had a smile on his face. This could have meant a number of things, things like he didn’t even notice you, or he did but he didn’t care. And him looking at his phone that way probably meant he had a girlfriend, but it could also have meant he was only looking at some funny comic or picture.

                When you were out of there you quickly explained all this to Taehyung.

                “I don’t think he didn’t notice though, (Y/N).” He said. “We’re pretty eye-catching and I don’t mean it in a cocky way. I mean look at all the time and effort you put into your clothes, or your hair and makeup. Plus, your hair’s red. That should be attention grabbing enough in itself.” He paused a bit before adding, “Aanndd, you know when you wear sunglasses you can look at anything or anybody you want but still pretend that you’re not because no one can see your eyes! That’s why stalkers wear sunglasses.”

                You didn’t reply. You didn’t know what to say or think.

                “Darling,” he cooed, “I’m sorry, please don’t think about it, okay? Let’s just go get some ice cream. I’ll treat you. Then we can go back to my place to finish the cake.”

                You nodded but you couldn’t stop thinking. There was an almost absent look in your eyes as you walked through the park, ice cream in hand, with Taehyung. You knew he was doing all he could to keep your mind off and distract you from Jungkook and you loved him for it but you had already thought too far.

If Jungkook really had seen you he must not have cared because he didn’t react. You could always read him, and very well too. You had once been so close to him. You loved him more than you could even comprehend and he loved you to infinity as well, but if he really had seen you, he wasn’t even phased after all this time. He was over you so quickly even after everything you two had been through; it meant nothing to him. You meant nothing to him.

                You were tired of this. It was as if this world loved teasing you. Jungkook would always come back somehow, somewhere, whether in real life or in your thoughts to taunt you. Having a friend like Taehyung in your life helped but there was only so much he could do. You tried so hard and got so far but all your thoughts had so much power over you. They pushed you right back to the start every time you made a little progress and it hurt like hell. You knew this suffering wouldn’t stop anytime soon. Question was, would it ever stop? He had grown to mean too much to you. And somewhere deep down, no matter how much you tried to deny it, you knew. No. It wouldn’t stop.

And this was why you wouldn’t love. You couldn’t love.