There you were again sitting in some random café in a noisy mall, love songs playing on an endless loop. What made it all okay was that he was there with you. No matter how much you’d like to deny it you enjoyed his presence. His non-anxious presence gave you a sense of stability in your life. 

You loved him and he loved you but despite the fact that he never gave you a reason to doubt him, you still did. Maybe it was because of your ex, or maybe it was because of your overly-cautious nature. Either way, you doubted him and it showed. 

Jungkook was very forgiving and he tried to understand your fear of commitment but in the end you both knew it was a very irrational fear. You put him through countless tests and quizzes to test his loyalty and he passed every single one of them, but still you always wondered what you would do if he failed. Would you leave him if he failed one, just one? 

You hated to admit it but a part of you almost wanted to see him betray you so you could leave him and rid yourself of the anxiety and thought of him possibly betraying you. You were disgusted with yourself and you couldn’t understand why he wasn’t as well. Maybe you were just not fit for relationships, but this was a part of you that you buried deep, deep, deep down. 

Talking about your fears and issues with dating wasn’t uncommon between you two though. It was awkward at first, very awkward but it seemed for the better. This was one of those times when you explained to him another one of your fears in dating. 

“I wasn’t planning on dating when I met you but I don’t know how it happened… Kookie, What if I’m not ready?” you asked. 

“(Y/N), it’s okay. I wasn’t either when I met you but all that matters is now. Are you ready now?” he replied. 

You sat in silence a while. 

“I honestly don’t know.” You said softly, “What about you?”

“I am…” He said. “I know you may not be but I love you, (Y/N), and even if it means risking heartbreak to be with you, I’m willing.” 

‘I wish I could say the same…’ you thought but you made a note of his words in your head. They were still loving on his part nonetheless. 

“Why though?” you questioned. It was too unreal for him to be giving up so much for you. You were just a plain, normal girl. No, you were worse. You were an average looking girl with relationship issues.  

He just smiled and said, “because I love you” As if it was so obvious. 

He was a prince straight out of a fairytale and you were just pathetic. 

The conversation ended there awkwardly as you didn’t reply. You felt it’d be unfair for you to say ‘I love you’ back because even though you did, you still had too many voices in your head telling you that it wasn’t true and that it was “just a phase”.  Those words never left your head after he left you. They were the last words your ex had said to you. 

“It was just a phase.” 

Everything good seemed to have a way of turning bad. You didn’t know why your thoughts and fears were so out of control. Every hurtful thing that happened to you was branded in your memory, never to be forgotten. And bad always came when you least expected it. That was another one of the reasons for your paranoia with Jungkook. You felt like you should be grateful for having such a loving and devoted boyfriend but everything seemed too good, too perfect. 

By the time you guys left the café it was past sundown. You didn’t know how many hours you spent there but both of you were content. Both of you being pretty laid back made you compatible in one more way and you took comfort in that. 

You linked arms as he walked you home for the third time that week. For someone who was so unsure about their relationship things seemed to be going very smoothly. All thanks to your Kookie. You were similar in many ways but also polar opposites. He was very calm and collected. You liked to think of yourself like that and to others you seemed to play the role well but on the inside you were a mess. It was Jungkook’s steadiness that carried you through so much in your life. 

You reached home and it all started again, the debate whether or not to invite him in. He knew what you were thinking and he, always wanting to spend more time with you, continued the small talk while lingering around in hopes of you finally inviting him in. The night ended as usual. You never let him in but he always had hope. He would be there for you always but he’d also give you space when you needed it. As he was about to leave he paused and quickly took a few steps back to you, only to give you a quick, soft kiss before waving goodbye with his adorable, heart-melting smile. Despite how many times he’d kissed you, he always had that giddy look of excitement and mischief after kissing you. You never got tired of it. 

He texted you a few minutes later. 

Jungkook: I had fun with you today  as always
You: same here
Jungkook: so I just wanted to remind you again, don’t be too hard on yourself. I know you don’t have everything together and it’s okay. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.
Jungkook: oh and I love you <3 ;)
You: Kookiieee! You’re too sweet!! :P

That night you lay in your bed wide awake as always. It seemed to come with the anxiety and paranoia. They all started around the same time. It didn’t take long for your head to fill with thoughts. It was always the same every night. 

What if Jungkook stops liking me? What if I don’t really like Jungkook? What if he finds out I test him? What if he decides to leave me because I’m crazy? Why am I so crazy? Is it because of Jungkook or just dating in general? Will I ever be normal again?

Calming yourself down always turned out to be a challenge but you found writing down things Jungkook had told you previously, helped a lot. You recited his words from today in your head. 

“I know you may not be (ready) but I love you, (Y/N), and even if it means risking heartbreak to be with you, I’m willing…. Because I love you”
“don’t be too hard on yourself. I know you don’t have everything together and it’s okay. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.” 

You got up out of bed and found your pencil and notebook you collected quotes in. It started as random quotes you saw or heard anywhere that you found inspiring and after you met Jungkook you started a section for only his words. His started from the back of the book so you often had the book back facing up for easy access. You copied down the words from your memory and smiled when finished. It was like your own collection of sweet nothings. It helped you get to sleep at night as well as put a smile on your face. 

You woke up the next day with a frown and a heavy heart. Despite whatever positive things you read or told yourself as you went to bed, you always woke up from the same nightmare-ish dreams. It went along the lines of you and Jungkook spending time together happily when a heated argument would come out of nowhere ending in Jungkook dumping you the same way your ex had. He’d call you something like a stupid, gullible airhead then he’d tell you how everything was fake and how he was playing you this whole time. You hated these dreams and you wished with all your heart that you could say you couldn’t imagine him telling you these things, but the mind is a powerful weapon, even against itself. 

You got up out of bed and went to take a shower. These dreams would always leave you overwhelmed, tense and occasionally with a cold sweat. You just wanted to relax again. The feeling of warm water caressing your skin, surrounding you slowly and warming you up did the job. 

After your shower you threw on a loose pair of sweatpants along with an oversized sweatshirt (previously belonging to Jungkook) and a pair of fuzzy socks. He had given you his sweatshirt for Christmas, saying he hoped you’d like it more than an ugly Christmas sweater, and you were truly happy for that moment. You forgot about all your worries and anxieties. Being so caught up in love during that moment wasn’t something you could forget easily and this sweatshirt reminded you of it. You were so lucky to have such a thoughtful boyfriend. You knew he gave it to you for comfort because you had mentioned once that his scent made you feel relaxed. You were actually quite surprised he remembered. 

You spent the morning sitting on your couch, legs curled to your body, sipping tea and reading random articles on your phone to kill time but no matter how much you tried to distract yourself, your mind kept drifting to Jungkook. You had been dating him for about half a year now but your thoughts and fears just kept getting worse and worse over time. Every little thing that brought him back into your mind was like a jab of pain right in your heart. Along with the pain there was guilt, confusion, love, disgust and just too many emotions. You were definitely not okay. You were not normal. All this was wrong. The only thing holding you back from a happy life with your Kookie was you. Your mind. It wasn’t as if you could control your mental state, much less suddenly become normal but still you felt like it was your fault, and you hated yourself for it. 

You set down your phone to stare at the wall, letting your thoughts consume you for a moment. There was no way to explain how exhausting it was to fight your thoughts every single second of the day and it was still only morning. Some days it would hurt less than others, but so far it seemed like this was not the case for today. The only comfort you currently found was in telling yourself that he’d be away for a while soon. His grandmother had suddenly fallen sick and he was leaving to visit her in a couple days. It was a sad idea to find comfort in but it helped you either way. 

While you sat at home waiting for the morning to end, Jungkook was out running laps around the local park. He always worried for you but he learned to accept that there was only so much he could do. Hell, there was only so much you, yourself, could do; so he kept up a strong front for you, always making sure you were okay before him but in all honesty he debated whether or not it was worth it to give so much of himself to you. He didn’t exactly mean to lie to you while comforting you saying that he’d risk heartbreak to be with you, but the words just flowed out being what he felt. While looking back later at that moment, he concluded that he still felt the same way and that wouldn’t change, but it also wasn’t at all logical or seemingly “worth it” on his part. He was confused, fighting internally, just like you. 

“Kookie!!” 

Jungkook snapped out of his daze to see where the voice was coming from. Only you called him ‘Kookie’ but this voice wasn’t your voice. 
“Here, Kookie.” The voice said again with a laugh. 

He turned to see the face of your best friend, or friend, he wasn’t too sure anymore. Ever since you guys had started dating Jessica began distancing herself from you while still claiming everything was perfectly fine. 

“so how are you? I didn’t expect to see you here.” She said, not so subtly checking your Kookie out. And Jungkook, always hoping for the best to the end, would have denied it if it weren’t for her mouthing the word “hottie” with a wink.

“U-Um, I’m fine.” He said. “I’m just out here running.” 

She smirked and replied “I can see that,” looking at him from under her long lashes, biting her lip, “you look good, by the way.” 

She really threw him off guard acting like this but it all made sense now. She was only jealous of you. She must have had a huge crush on your Kookie before you two got together, but lucky you, he only had eyes for you. 

 “Thanks, Jessica, but I’d better get going now. I have a uh, thing…” he replied awkwardly, “so bye.” 

He took off in the other direction, cringing from his awkwardness. Since when was he ever scared of a little flirting? But maybe it was just because she was supposedly your “best friend” He felt pretty grossed out by it and was debating whether to tell you or not. 

Later, he decided. 

A month later the incident at the park was completely forgotten, a new issue on Jungkook’s mind. You would rarely answer his calls or texts. Your relationship was hanging by a thread and it was all because of you. You couldn’t bear to see or hear anything that reminded you of him. All his gifts to you like that sweater you loved so much, along with anything that reminded you of him was sitting in a box in your closet. You didn’t want the things like your notebook anywhere near you but at the same time you couldn’t bear to throw it away. It was driving you insane. You even went as far as to disconnect your internet and shut off your phone. 

Fear.

It was the one emotion you felt, and doing all this provided some release. You knew it wouldn’t help for long though. Jungkook was coming back today and you could only count down the hours before you knew he’d come visit you. You were worrying him to death with your terrible condition and nonexistent replies. 

DING DONG.

You jumped in your seat. ‘So soon?’

You hesitantly stood up and walked half-sulking, to the door. Maybe it wouldn’t be too bad to see him. After all, he could be a distraction as well right? 

You opened the door and only after seeing his shocked expression realized what you probably looked like. You didn’t think it was that bad but considering how you loved to dress up to go out and how he’d never seen you at home, it was a big change for him. You wore the same thing you had been for the past couple days, sweatpants, a hoodie and slippers. But furthermore, your hair was a tangled mess tied in a lopsided bun and the bags under your eyes were unmistakable. You always covered them with makeup but as time went on, it got worse and worse to the point that not even makeup would help. You needed sleep. Lots and lots of sleep. 

“Jagiya…” he almost whispered. 

It broke your heart to hear his voice so soft and vulnerable. You knew it probably broke his too to see you like this. All you could do was stand there in shame. It was all your doing. All of this. You were the one who put the strain on your relationship from ignoring all his calls and messages. You even failed to take care of yourself. It was despicable. 

While you stared at the ground, Jungkook stared into your eyes. It was almost as if he could read your thoughts too because a second later he pulled you into a tight embrace, whispering “Jagiya, I love you. It’s not your fault. Don’t hate yourself.”

You stood there a few more minutes like that before he noticed you shivering. It was cold but he’d been distracted and unaware of it until that moment. Picking you up bridal-style, he kicked off his shoes as he walked into your house. Setting you down in the couch, he reached over behind you to grab a blanket then covered you with it. He sat closely next to you and slid an arm behind you to pull you closer to him. You loved and hated every second of it. It just felt so wrong but so right at the same time. Maybe you had an overactive conscience. Maybe you were just crazy. Either way you said what you did at that moment without knowing it would be your greatest regret it life. 

“I think we should break up.” You whispered, barely managing to hold back your tears, “I mean, well, we’ve practically already been acting like we’re broken up this past month.” 

You knew that was a lie. It was only you acting like it, but you couldn’t bring yourself to correct yourself. You’d cry if you talked anymore. So silence followed your proposal for the next few minutes. 

The silence was broken with a soft sniffle, but it wasn’t from you. You looked meekly at your boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, you didn’t know. It was being determined at that moment. You expected him to be angry with you, after all, he was the one trying so hard in the relationship and all you did was doubt and bring negativity to it, but instead, you saw tears in his eyes and down his face. Seeing him cry was the last straw for you. You began to cry out loud. 

“Why?” He finally spoke up. There was an unfamiliar strain in his voice. You could tell he was trying hard to maintain his composure but tears fell despite his efforts. 

“Because…” you paused, deciding whether or not to tell him everything. ‘ it’ you thought. He had a right to know. “Because it’s not fair for you!” you said in a voice that could only be described as desperation, “I’m a mess and I know you say you love me anyways but I don’t wanna do this to you. Even if you tell me you don’t care how crazy I am, I care. If you won’t take that as a good enough reason, take this. I can’t stand being with you.” 

You were actually shocked at your own words. It was all true but you never imagined telling him. 

“Wh-What?” he asked softly, hurt apparent in his voice. 

“I-I don’t mean it like I don’t like being with you but,” you continued, “I can’t sleep at night because of you. I can barely make it through the day too. Don’t get me wrong, I love-“

“Don’t.” he cut you off, “Please don’t say you love me…” You could see the hurt in his eyes. Pure pain. “I understand what you’re saying. All I ever wanted to do was help you but I guess it’s obvious that I’m not enough if I’m making you worse.” He said. 

You couldn’t describe the amount of guilt you felt in that moment. You just hurt the one person you grew to love in a way you couldn’t even imagine, much less describe. You hurt him in a way no one ever could, but then again what else were you supposed to do? You couldn’t lie to yourself and pretend you were fine. 
You sat there wrapped up in your blanket waiting for whatever came next. Was this really the end? 

It was another few minutes later before the next move was made. Jungkook stood up, knelt before you and kissed you slowly, one last time. You knew he was leaving for good now and as much as you tried to enjoy this last kiss you couldn’t help but feel the disconnection in it. It felt so unreal, and it ended just as fast as it began. And he was gone.