It’s a normal night to begin with, nothing out of the ordinary going on, not anything noticeably at least, and so when Chanwoo receives an email with a  file attached to it he assumes it’s Jiwon sending one of his ‘one-hour compilation of cute bunnies’ again. But when he opens it, it’s addressed to him in a way more formal way than the others ever use with him and with a signature that says K.

He’s at first suspicious, hoping it’s not a virus but after some googling he comes to the conclusion that it is a legit email, nothing weird about it, except that he doesn’t know who it’s from.

He’s alone in the dorm, the others out eating dinner and Chanwoo would have joined them if he wasn’t so exhausted from practice. He feels like maybe he should hear with the hyungs first before opening an unknown email but he’s too surprised and excited to actually go through with it; he double clicks the file.

At first he doesn’t hear much, some rustling and the sound of sneakers sliding over the floor, but then he hears voices. He recognizes them as Junhwe and Hanbin at first, but then other voices join and then he can clearly hear what they’re saying.

“He just keeps on messing up the dance”, “-can’t even sing”, he wonders who they’re talking about, maybe a trainee or a new artist, “why is he in the group?” he hears Junhwe’s whine and he’s surprised by how childlike he sounds. “I don’t like him” he hears Yunhyeong say and he just really wants them to name someone so that he can relate to their thoughts or something.

He wants to hear the name of someone that he holds mutual dislike towards, and not his own name, but you can’t always get what you want, “Chanwoo-yah, ugh”  and “ he’s a kid.”

It’s like his heart stops for a second and it feels like the breath has been knocked out of him, he clutches a hand over his mouth to stop any sound from leaving; unnecessary since he’s alone. His voice gets stuck in his throat and his eyes are stinging because he can’t understand, he just can’t grasp what he’s hearing, he thought they were over the whole issue of YG suddenly shoving two more members at the original 6. He though they had accepted him.

“He’s just not good enough” someone, it sounds like Jinhwan, says, and that does it. The tears that are threatening to well over finally do, salty water runs down his soft cheeks and he tries to wipe them away but they just keep on coming. He feels himself choke on a sob and remembering where the others are he takes advantage of being alone, he lets out an awful sob, a loud and wet cry that echoes slightly in the dorm.

He pauses the audio before they have the chance to say anything worse, he’s trembling in his place and he feels a little faint, he knows how to handle criticism and mean comments but hearing them spoken by people so close to him and in voices filled with such distaste, it ends up on a new level of pain.

He isn’t sure what to do with himself at the moment, should he call someone? Maybe go for a walk and try to relax, should he talk to them? No. The last one is out of question, he isn’t afraid of them per say, but he is afraid of what talking to them may lead to. Maybe they’ll admit and say all the things that they had in the recording to his face. He’s not sure he’ll be able to survive hearing it from his brothers face to face without even some sort of guilt; they certainly didn’t sound remorseful in the recording.

He closes his computer and is left in the dark of his room, and suddenly, being alone in the dorms isn’t as pleasing of a thought as it had been when the others left. But he also doesn’t want them to come back.

He doesn’t really know what he wants to do, should he just lay there and wallow in self-pity or should he do something about their complaints? They said he couldn’t sing so maybe he should practice. He rises from his bed and throws on the first pants that he comes across, he grabs his phone and a water bottle before leaving the dorm and heading to the practice room. He thinks that if he’s gonna go through the trouble of leaving the dorm even though he’s so tired he might as well do everything he can while he’s away, vocal practice and dance. He needs to be better if he wants the others to like him.

He loses count of how many times he dances the same dance, goes through the same steps, sings the same words. He also forgets to keep count of how many times he messes up, his voice cracks an embarrassing amount of times and his limbs look awkward no matter how he moves. He’s not a natural dancer, it isn’t in his nature, and whatever he does it just ends up looking bad. He loses track of time for a few hours as he practices harder than he has done during the whole week. When his phone rings, cutting off Dumb & Dumber, he quickly grabs it and sees it’s Jinwhan calling.

He tries to calm his raging heart from jumping out of his chest, he’s nervous, he doesn’t really want to talk to any of them at the moment but he knows that ignoring them won’t lead to anything good. “Hello” it’s such a weak greeting and he can’t help slapping himself slightly for sounding so weak and fragile and scared; childish.

“Chanwoo-yah! Where are you?” he hears rustling in the background and someone whispering something, he hopes it’s not about him, he hopes they’re not making fun of him. The thought hits him before he even knows it and he’s slightly scared of what that means because that has never been his first reaction before, especially not with s.

“I’m in the practice room” he says as steady as he can, he doesn’t think Jinwhan notices anything different about him, how every word leaving his mouth feels like it weighs a ton and leaves a sour taste on his tongue. “What, why? we practiced the whole day, why would you go back?” he wants to say ‘because you think I need to’ but he doesn’t, instead he settles for a simple “I just wanted to perfect something, no big deal”. He feels his eyes tearing up a little and he scolds himself internally for being so powerless, he’s not a baby, if the others think he needs to get better, to such an extent that they can’t even tell him that themselves, then he needs to do everything he can. For s, his hyungs, or maybe sunbaenims? he doesn’t know it they really are close or if it’s all an act anymore.

“Come back, it’s getting late and we have practice early tomorrow” Jinwhan says and Chanwoo hums in response before hanging up. He grabs his stuff and makes sure he hasn’t forgotten anything before walking out, it doesn’t matter if he has forgotten anything anyway, he’ll be back in that same room the next day.

All the lights are on when he gets back and the loud voices of s fill the dorm, he closes the door behind himself as he walks through the living room toward his room, “yah! Chanwoo-yah, why were you practicing all by yourself?” Jiwon practically screams even though they’re only a few meters apart. Chanwoo freezes in his place, he tries to relax and let some of the tension from his shoulders let up, he doesn’t want the others to realize that he’s acting weird.

“I-I just felt like it” he says with the grin that he knows the public likes, it seems convincing enough because Jiwon lets it go and lies down on the couch again with his Pooh plushie in hand. “I think I’m gonna go sleep, night” Chanwoo says quickly and retires as fast as he can, without making it seem suspicious, to his room. The rest are left in the living room staring dumbfounded after their maknae, “he’s acting weird” Junhwe states and the others nod.

“Hopefully he’s just tired” Yunhyeong says but something deep inside of him tells him that something else is wrong.

After a few weeks of practicing extra after hours (sometimes sneaking out in the middle of the night) he realizes that he’s lost a lot of weight, and his dancing has improved. He wonders if it’s because he’s been practicing the dances like crazy or because he’s lighter now, easier to move. He thinks it’s the latter.

He’s also been helping out a lot more in the dorms, helping with the dishes and even going as far as to cook breakfast for the other members even after he himself has only had about three hours of sleep. While his dancing is improving and his vocals are too, he feels his health spiraling out of control. He’s constantly tired and exhausted both mentally and physically, the others have noticed it too. The way he doesn’t play with them like he used to, and the way he doesn’t really talk to them anymore. The black circles under his eyes make him look older than he is. He’s just a kid but manages to look like he’s died three times over and been reincarnated.

Hanbin, as a leader, is at loss of what to do. Hanbin, as a hyung, is at loss of what to do. Hanbin as a person who is genuinely worried for his younger friend has no idea of what to do, it’s obvious how Chanwoo is detaching himself from them, creating a space between them that he can’t really seem to understand how to fill. He knows he needs to talk to the younger, he knows that they all need to sit down and have a serious discussion over what is wrong. He just doesn’t know how to approach the subject, he doesn’t want to scare the other away by saying ‘Chanwoo something is wrong and we need to talk, sit down, have some tea while I babble about how I don’t know what is happening okay’.

“Hyung, I can hear you thinking from over here” Donghyuk mutters, eyes still deeply concentrated on his phone, “it’s annoying”. Hanbin rolls his eyes at the younger, “hey Donghyuk do you want to test what it’s like to be the leader and try to figure out what’s wrong with our maknae who is clearly withdrawing from us?” he snaps and Donghyuk releases a deep sigh.

“No, you’re right and I’m sorry. I’m just frustrated” he mutters as he gets up from the floor and moves over to Hanbin, he settles in the older male’s lap and hugs him. Hanbin stiffens for a second before slumping against the younger one. He buries his nose in his neck and nuzzles the skin, “I just don’t know what to do hyung” he mumbles and Hanbin’s arms settle around him, hugs him tight against him. It’s not often that he so openly show affection, not like this at least, but he knows that they both need it.

They’re both stressed and worried and scared, they want to know what they did wrong, what can have had such an effect on the maknae for him to suddenly stop being- stop being Chanwoo. The youngest who bullies the elders but is really sweet and kind and warmhearted, who sometimes is a little insecure but always manages to support the others.

“I miss him” Donghyuk mumbles and Hanbin nods, “so do I, but we’ll fix this, alright”. They don’t say anything after that, they stay in the same position for a while before Donghyuk releases his grip on Hanbin and lightly pecks his forehead. “You should talk to him soon, hyung” he says and turns to leave, but not before letting his hand run through Hanbin’s hair in a soothing touch.

Hanbin nods and lets him leave, he does need to talk to the younger. And he decides for himself that it should be tonight. The sooner the better.

It’s dinner time and Jinwhan is calling everyone into the kitchen, it’s not an extravagant dinner, but it’s homecooked and comfortable and they’re happy. Chanwoo is the last one to join them at the table, he’s quiet as usual, or, usual being the past few weeks that he has changed drastically.

Dinner is a quiet affair with simple small talk here and there. Until Junhwe decides to open his mouth. “Chanwoo-yah, you should eat some more, even Hanbyul eats bigger portions than that” he says loud and clear and Chanwoo quickly averts his eyes back on his plate. Junhwe is right in saying that it’s not much, but eating more will only result in him getting fat again and then he’ll lose his ability to dance and go back to flimsy limbs and two left feet.

“I’m not very hungry hyung” Chanwoo says in response with a tight smile that they see right through, it looks empty and sad, so far from the usual boyish grin.  “Yeah we’ve noticed, you never eat anymore” Junwhe scoffs and he sounds so dejected, Chanwoo feels his eyes watering against his will, he’s made his hyung disappointed once again. “I’m sorry hyung” he mumbles, trying to blink away the tears that are threatening to fall.

“Chanwoo-yah, I didn’t mean to-” Junhwe, brows furrowed, begins but Chanwoo cuts him by standing up, “it’s fine hyung, I’m not very hungry anymore though. Thank you for the meal Jinhwan hyung” he says and quickly leaves but Jiwon is quick behind him.

“Yah! Chanumon!” he tries to joke a little as he sprints after him but he knows it won’t work, the younger is too worked up. Chanwoo quickly occupies the bathroom, locking the door after himself and sliding down against the cold tiles.

“Chanwoo-yah, please open up” Jiwon calls from the outside but Chanwoo shakes his head, even though they can’t see him, he can’t let him or anyone else see him as he is now, feeble and fragile; weak.

“Chanwoo-yah, I’m sorry” he hears Junhwe’s husky voice through the door and the tears fall freely down his face, staining it and making his eyes puffy. At the same time as he wants them to hug him and tell him they love him he also wants them to leave him alone. He’s not feeling well, hasn’t for a few weeks.

“Chanwoo, baby, just say something so that we know you’re okay” Jinhwan’s soothing but slightly distressed voice travels through the door and Chanwoo chokes on a sob, he hiccups and tries to stop the sounds from leaving his throat. “Hyung” he whispers and hears several relieved sighs on the other side.

“Please open the door,” Yunhyeong says and he sounds so worried that it makes Chanwoo release a terribly loud sob that pierces the other’s hearts, every whimper leaving the younger feeling like it’s threading a needle through their skins. It’s an odd and creepy feeling, the pained gasps coming from the younger having them feeling guiltier than ever, and they’re not even sure why.

Chanwoo feels like since he’s already breaking down, he might as well break some more, and so he says, “why are you pretending to like me?”. He sounds so incredibly hurt and afraid that they’re taken aback by the raw emotion he displays, Hanbin is the first to recover, banging his fist on the door, “yah! Chanwoo-yah what are you babbling about?”

“I thought you liked me” he whispers so quietly that they almost don’t hear it, he sounds so small and dejected that they almost miss the meaning of his words, “of course we like you, baby, we adore you,” Jinhwan answers, “why would you think otherwise?”

There’s a pause in the conversation where the only thing they can hear is Chanwoo’s small hiccups and the sniveling of his nose, they’re all anxiously waiting for an answer from the youngest.  “I heard a recording” he mumbles while tugging at the ends of his too big sweatshirt, it used to fit, now it hangs off his form.

“What recording baby?” Jiwon’s not much for nicknames but it slips out anyway, he’s too worried for the younger to even care, “you, you were-” Chanwoo can’t even finish before he starts crying. The things that they had said is all that he can hear, he’s memorized them by now after listening to that recording multiple times. Every last word of it.

“Chanwoo” Donghyuk says urgently, he wants to know what Chanwoo’s talking about, recording? He can’t remember saying anything that would upset the youngest.

“Hmm, I got an email, and it- I don’t know who it was f-from. But there was an a-audio file, I listened t-to it. You- oh god” he cuts himself off before he starts hyperventilating for real. He can’t repeat what they said, it hurts too much.

While he’s fighting his inner turmoil Donghyuk runs off to find the younger’s computer, the password is iKon, has been ever since he joined the team. He searches the maknae’s inbox until he stumbles upon the audio file sent by an unrecognizable email address, he runs back to the others and presses play.

At first, there’s nothing but rustling, but then they hear it, the unmistakeable sound of their own voices. And then the comments and everything suddenly makes sense and Jinhwan covers his mouth in shock, because it is true, he did say that. That Chanwoo isn’t good enough, but that was two years ago; when he first joined YG. He and the other’s had been so angry then, thrown into a competition they thought was over. They had said some pretty mean stuff in interviews too, like that the time Junhwe called him a free-rider, but none of them had been as extreme as the things they had said in that practice room.

“This is from years back” Yunhyeong whispers in horror and the other nod in shock, because it was during a time when they weren’t being filmed. The knowledge of what happened in that practice room was said to stay between the members, and now it had reached their precious maknae.

“Chanwoo, baby, open up” Jiwon knocks on the door in a hurry but Chanwoo makes no move, “no,” he says, sounding much more determined than he did a few minutes ago. “I swear to god Chanwoo, open this door right now or I will kick it in” Hanbin yells and he knows that he sounds angry (which he is) but not at Chanwoo, no, he’s angry at himself for letting this happen.

It goes about ten seconds between Hanbin’s threat and the door to unlock, as soon as it does Jiwon is pulling down the handle and stepping inside, the sight that greets them is worse than the sounds of Chanwoo’s sobbing. He looks so disheveled and broken, so small and in need of someone but they’re afraid to touch him, afraid he’ll break even more if they do.    

“Chanwoo-yah” Yunhyeong says although a bit hesitant, shaky, he’s not sure how to handle the situation and the only thing he can do is try to get Chanwoo’s attention. He’s not one to push, but he sure is one to dwell on unanswered questions, and he doesn’t like the feeling of them gnawing at his insides like the undead.

Chanwoo’s eyes fly up to meet his and he looks so small and sad, and Yunhyeong understands why. Because he thinks it was all an act. That they never cared for him, or loved him like he loves them. Chanwoo always looks at them, Hanbin the most, with such adoration, the kind of adoration you only read about in faultlessly crafted love stories where the devoutness and love is so overwhelming that you can’t help but wonder if it’s real or even possible. Possible for someone to cherish, revere someone in such a selfless way.

“Chanwoo-yah” he says again like he’s rehearsing a line. He can’t seem to think of anything to say except for the younger’s name, but it seems to do enough damage as it is because Chanwoo bursts into tears and covers his face with his hands. He’s shaking and he feels the walls around him crumbling down. He feels like his heart is imploding on itself, turning into a black hole and swallowing him from the inside, pulling him into the darkness of his own soul.

He cries into his hands, numbness overtaking him and for a second he’s almost convinced that he’s dying. Until a hand tentatively lands on his shoulder and grips, using it as leverage to bring Chanwoo closer, when his nose meets a shoulder he realizes that it’s Junhwe. The smell of him all too familiar even though he doesn’t even know what it is, Junhwe seems to change his perfume every single day but still manage to make it smell like him.

Junhwe holds him close and rubs his back as he cries, staining his shirt with salty tears that Junhwe would have complained about if it were any other time, or someone else. But he doesn’t, because he knows Chanwoo needs this, he can be sassy at times and sometimes even a bit mean: but he’s not cruel.

The rest are still standing in the doorway, taking in the situation, the sounds of Chanwoo’s sobs having stunned them into silence, they had never imagined such terrible sounds coming from their youngest, and certainly not because of them. Donghyuk takes a few careful steps forward toward the pair, he stops when his face is only a few centimeters from where Chanwoo’s is resting on Junwhe’s shoulder.

Chanwoo notices his presence and looks up, his eyes rimmed with red and filled with tears, the sight before Donghyuk sends his mind into overdrive and his own tears spill out. He feels broken and bruised, like he’s been run over by a car and then dragged on the hard ground, although he thinks that he’d rather do that than see his friend, brother, and precious maknae in such pain.

He’s seen him cry before, seen all of them actually, but never like this, never in such agonizing pain that Chanwoo is, and that’s why the tears spill with no way of stopping them. “Hyung” Chanwoo mumbles and his voice sounds wobbly and hoarse, all the crying drained him of his energy, “Chanwoo” he says.

He brushes Chanwoo’s bangs from his face and places an indiscernible kiss there with immeasurable caution, as if he would break if he pressed his lips just a little tighter. He lets his lips linger longer than normally, because this is Chanwoo, and he can keep kissing him for years if that’s what it takes for him to forgive them.

The others move closer until they’re all standing around the pair and Donghyuk, they’re all being very careful, taking caution in their movements. One wrong move and they’re afraid Chanwoo’ll lash out, tell them he hates them and that he never wants to see them again. It’s selfish. They know that he should, he should be angry and he should tell them to off, that he has every right to. But they’re too absorbed, too attached, he’s theirs, their precious maknae and they can’t lose him. It’s so terribly selfish.

“Chanwoo-yah, you’re so terribly thin” they hear Junhwe mumble and it takes them a while to understand the full meaning of his statement, it’s less of an attack on his weight and more of a ‘you haven’t been eating, you’ve been stressed more than usual, you don’t sleep, you don’t talk or smile as much’-the works. Chanwoo hugs him tighter and nuzzles his nose into his neck.

Donghyuk has his hand on Chanwoo’s head and is his hair, Jiwon stands behind Chanwoo, wanting to touch but too afraid to, Jinhwan is shedding his own tears, Yunhyeong is holding onto Hanbin and Hanbin is trying to control his anger.

Suddenly Chanwoo’s voice breaks the silence, “you said I messed up in dance practice too much, so I started practicing more. You said I couldn’t sing, so I started practicing more. You said I was a kid so I tried to be more grown up, I got better at dancing, my vocals are better, I’m taking more responsibility’’ Chanwoo takes a break and the others are afraid of what he will say next, “but you also said I wasn’t good enough, and so whatever I do I know it’s not enough” he whispers and Junhwe suddenly breaks the hug.

Chanwoo can’t decide if he’s happy about it, he doesn’t realize that his words hurt the others so much until they’re all shedding tears and enveloping him in a hug together. “No, baby, you’re perfect. Please don’t think otherwise” Yunhyeong says as he buries his face in the back of the younger, Chanwoo is confused.

“But you said I wasn’t” and there’s a whine from somewhere that sounds like it’s coming from a pained animal, Chanwoo is so confused. “That recording is from two years back, Chanwoo-yah” Hanbin says and he sounds so stern that Chanwoo can’t help but curl a little more into himself.

“Hey-no, don’t do that.I’m sorry, I’m not mad, I’m not,” Hanbin says and grabs the younger’s face, ”we said all those things a long time ago, when Mix & Match started, not now. I promise you” Chanwoo feels his eyes water and his face turn into a slight grimace.

“So-” he tries to muster up the courage to ask, “so you do...like me?” and when Hanbin looks into his eyes they are filled with such hope, his eyes sparkling like a kid on Christmas, Hanbin lets the moment of vulnerability get to him and his own tears fall. Chanwoo immediately reaches up with his hand to wipe them away, he never, ever wants to see his leader cry, and certainly not because of him.

“Oh, Chanwoo” Hanbin mumbles and rests his forehead against Chanwoo’s, there’s nothing romantic or ual about how close their lips are, even if Hanbin were to kiss him they both know, and the rest of the members would all know what it would mean; comfort. Something that others wouldn’t understand, would frown upon. But here, in the tiny space of their bathroom, everything is safe, secure, familiar.

“We love you” Hanbin mumbles and his breath hits Chanwoo’s lips, a smile stretches over Chanwoo’s lips, even though it’s small it’s more than they’ve gotten for the past few weeks, because this time it’s real. Tears spill out of Chanwoo’s eyes but he’s still smiling, they are tears of relief, tears of joy. Because his brothers, his friends, still love him, they’re still close.

Jiwon will continue telling stories of him sending compilations of cute bunnies to the maknae for the fans but when they’re alone he’ll make a compilation of his favorite moments of Chanwoo. And Yunhyeong will keep on cooking for his favorite maknae (“I’m your only maknae hyung” met by a “yah!” from Junhwe) on the live shows they do but when the cameras go off he’ll feed him what he cooked and make sure he eats all of it.

Jinhwan will keep on babying him, coddling him on air but when they walk off the stage he’ll touch him gently, like you would your own child, and tell him that he loves him. Donghyuk will continue joking with and/or about him but in between concerts or breaks he’ll keep pressing kisses on his cheeks and on his neck just to get him to laugh.

Junhwe will keep on brushing him off and joke about him for the fans but be the first to comfort him when he needs it and hug him the tightest in the privacy of their own dorm.

And Hanbin, he’ll keep on pretending like he’s a cool leader and that he’s not affected by Chanwoo’s cuteness, for the fans. But when they make it back to the dorm, or their hotel, or wherever they are, he’ll whisper how much they all love him, how much he means to them and he’ll press a small kiss to his lips before retiring to his own room. And it won’t mean that they’re together, or that they wish to get married and settle down, it’ll mean what Hanbin can’t say in words. That none of them even knows the translation for in words, it’s inexplicable, but it’s comfortable and Chanwoo feels content.

Thank you for reading!! Please comment what you think in the comment section below!! :)

So, this is my first fanfic with iKon, and I just adore Chanwoo, I think he's adorable. Hehe ^_^

One thing that I think I should say is that the timeline is a little messed up in this, but I just wanted to add a bit to the drama t that's why. I would love to write more Chanwoo-centric and maknae-centric fics so if anyone has any requests please don't be shy, tell me!!<3 And I would love to write different pairing and such (please no OC cause I at it) so... yeah, that's about it. Again, thanks for reading!! <3