To: Park Jimin

From: (Y/N)

All the signs tell us we should stop. We fight, we cry, we get hurt, yet this relationship is still hanging here by a thread. Someone should make a move, and I know that one of us will break the silence any second now to force the other to face the truth, yet it just keeps getting put off. And here are 10 reasons why I’m not brave enough to put an end to our misery…

1. I don’t like change. Some time within the two years we’ve been together, I have involuntarily grown familiar with you. I know the exact shape of the imprint you leave in the bed when you get up in the morning, and I’ve memorized every direction your messy hair protrudes in. You like your coffee black with a hint of honey, and your toast must be straight out of the oven. Making your meals was always a frustrating and tedious task, because I would stand besides the kitchen counters preparing the food until my legs started to ache, but I would later have to endure through your complaining and criticism when that same disapproving expression forms on your face. But I’m sure you are just as aware as I am that I hate change. Rigid routines and scheduled days are my guilty pleasures, for I appreciate being able to predict exactly what is going to happen. Do you remember the fight we got into the time you took us to a cafe that wasn’t my favorite little joint by the old laundromat? Oh boy, I was furious when I didn’t recognize the slim glass door I was so used to walking through to get my morning coffee. I still get chills down my spine when I think of the intense silence that suffocated the both of us on the car ride back. You kept your gaze only on the road ahead and nothing else. No conversation occurred, and we stayed like that for the rest of the night; we ate in silence and slept without facing each other. Yet I knew you understood, for you know me perhaps better than myself. And I don’t know if I get used your absence if we parted ways.

2. Because your scent lingers around everything you touch. I’m sure you are very much aware of this, because I don’t know how many times I’ve teased you by saying “I can smell you before I see you”. But it’s true. That intoxicating mixture of fresh laundry and your tasteful cologne simply doesn’t go away. It remains on your clothes, on the bed, in the house, on my body. Everywhere I walk, it feels like your presence is always trailing after me, although it’s just your scent. If we broke up, it will just be another painful reminder to unlock the memories. 

3. You’re always the first one to apologize. And I’ve witnessed this happen more and more often in the past few months, when our quarrels have seemed to have increased in both volume and frequency. I have already forgotten what we were screaming at each other about, but the sound of your anger and raised voice still rings clearly in my head. When did this start happening? Were we not sharing drinks and cracking up about my lame joke while lounging idly on the couch just yesterday? How has time flown by so fast, and why is our love so unable to withstand its tests? Why do we get on each other’s nerves over the smallest, most insignificant things, and turn that into a war? And why do you always say “I’m sorry” even though we both know that we will fight again, and repeat this vicious cycle until both of us are worn to the bone? Why are you still trying to fix this, trying to fix us?

4. The touch of your skin. I guess I should already be accustomed to reaching over to your side of the bed in the middle of the night only to find the sheets cold from the lack of your body heat, because you haven’t slept over in so long. But I’m sorry to say that it still disappoints me every time. I remember those nights way too long ago when we would sit besides each other, fingers and legs intertwined, and just talk all night. We would talk about what we did during the day, about work, about our families, about our hilarious childhood stories. And on those rare occasions, we would even bring us into the conversation, and fantasize about our futures. I can’t quite place my fingers on when those long, memorable nights ceased to exist, or when an uncomfortable silence would ensue whenever we brought up the topic of our futures instead of the usual excited chatter. At least, even during those times, I could still hold you, and I could still hear your rhythmic breathing on the other side of the bed. Now, that’s gone too. I don’t know if there is a possibility for us to just sit in bed again, my head on your chest, and talk until dawn breaks, but I do know that if we break up, even the most minimal chance of that will be destroyed. And I’m scared of that happening.
 

5. I don’t want you to meet someone else. This might be the most selfish, most insensitive thing I’ve said so far, but it is also by far the most candid, most true one. Although we have grown distant, although our relationship is fading, I don’t want to see you rekindle that passion and love for someone else. I don’t want to watch you take her to all the places we went to, to all the streets that hold our footprints. I know that if we want a clean break, I should let you go, but I just cannot bear the thought of you being with someone else, even if I know that you are no longer happy with me anymore. And if, after we part ways, you do meet someone better for you than I was, please don’t invite me to your wedding. 
 

6. The way your eyes crinkle in the corners when you smile. That is what made me fall in love with you when we first met. I will never forget that sketchy bar in Downtown Los Angeles where the music was far too loud to be healthy, and the dancing bodies far too close to be innocent. It was there, by the makeshift bar, that I laid my eyes on you for the first time. I never believed in love at first sight until the moment you smiled at me with that shot of rum in between your fingers, your eyes feverish with the influence of alcohol. When you slowly approached and offered to buy me a drink, I couldn’t decline the offer, or tear my gaze off the mesmerizing crinkles by the corners of your eyes. Maybe it was fate’s plan for us to meet, although it is cruel to allow us to plummet down to the point we are now after letting us stay on cloud nine. 

7. Our late night car rides. That was the brilliant plan you suggested when I informed you of my insomnia. You took my hand the very night I broke the new to you, and dragged me into your small car, reaching over to click the seat belt into place. I had no idea where you were going to take me, and was only answered by a hush when I tried to question. The landscape blurred outside the window, and my eyes traced the moon that seemed to be always following us. Once we stopped, you stepped out the car and opened the passenger door, pulling in out of my seat to admire the gorgeous ocean you had placed before my eyes. From that night on, that was the spot we escaped to when my insomnia kicked in, when the day was especially stressful, or when we just needed some two-people alone time. Sitting in the car, or lying on the grass outside, we would stare at the stars that scattered themselves across the galaxy, and let the noise of crashing waves and the salty ocean breeze engulf us. It was there that you dropped down to one knee, hands shaking while displaying that black velvet box, and asked for my hand in marriage. It was there that I happily obliged. Which reminds me, I think I need to return the ring you gave me that day back to you, as I clearly won’t need it anymore after we break up. 
 

8. Our phone calls. I miss those so much it pains me to think about it. I still remember the first one you made, and the slightly bashful tone on the other side of the line. I remember lying with my back on the floor, waiting for the tightly clutched phone in my hands to vibrate and the screen to display your name. When we first started dating, it was during those intimate calls when you would say a quiet goodnight, and that would be satisfying enough to put me into a deep, dreamless slumber for the entire night, despite my insomnia. The three words I had anticipated for so long were first spoken through those phone calls, and the same three words I had kept hidden in my heart for just as long were whispered back to you through them also. When you were away and I longed for the soothing tone of your voice, I would pick up the phone and place one of those calls, and it would grant me with exactly what I wanted. Will I really never be able to have those phone calls with you again?

9. The two drawers in my closet that’s reserved just for you. Yes, it’s still there, even though you rarely come by anymore. I’ve washed and folded all your clothes, although I don’t know why. It’s like a part of me still expects you to show up on my door, the fluorescent light bulb hanging above the front porch illuminating your features as you stand there grinning, just like when we first started seeing each other. And although I’ve washed and rewashed those sweaters you keep in those two drawers, your scent still stains the soft, worn material. It refused to leave me be, and is a constant reminder of your absence. Your clothes are like a empty shell, waiting to be filled up, but it never does anymore. I would hate having to carry those clothes to you when we end this relationship, not because I don’t want to see you, but I simply want to keep something that will prove to myself that we actually happened. 

10. Through writing this letter and list, I have realized the biggest reason why I can’t let the words “let’s break up, Jimin-ah” slip out of my mouth, no matter how much it needs to. We had a beautiful relationship, and I cannot be more proud of the memories we have made. I will be sure to hold them close to heart. I’m sorry it had to end this way. The fighting is getting to both of us, I know, and we need a break before we cross the verge of sanity. Be brave, Jimin, and say those words that I cannot. It will be good for all of us. Do it for yourself, for me, because I’m a coward who had just grasped why I’m unable to put an end to this once and for all. Because I’m still in love with you.