(one)
diary entries, stars and pinky swearsdiary entries, stars and pinky swears
words: 9, 526
Sept. 13
Dear Diary,
Eomma and Appa finished building the tree house today on my birthday! I’m going to play a lot of my toys there today!
Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!
Sept. 15
Dear Diary,
I have neighbours! They have a tree house too *O* I want them to play with me but eomma said not to play with strangers TT TT They look like they’re having fun……… The hyung there is always smiling whenever I look at my tree house window. His eyes disappear a lot, I think it’s a good thing? I’m not lonely though! I got Mr. Bear with me ㅋㅋSee you tomorrow!!!
Sept. 16
Dear Diary,
I got a star in school today!!! Eomma and Appa are very happy!! They will treat me to pizza today!!! I want to go to my tree house but I LOVE PIZZA
Sept. 19
Diary,
I have a secret to tell you………. The hyung in the other tree house…………….
IS LEE GIKWANG!!!! I don’t know who he is but eomma kept on congratulating the house next to us….Is he our new president?
Sept. 28
Dear Diary,
I joined a soccer team! I might not write anymore because I need to study and practice a lot TT TT I studied in the tree house a while ago but the noona and President Lee Gikwang were too noisy singing >:O They’re noisier than eomma talking to the ahjumma. I’m moving out Being a kid is nice because the ahjummas always treat me ice cream but it has its shortcomings too. sigh
Oct. 9
Dear Diary,
I think the noona and President Lee are married. I saw the President kiss noona’s forehead. That’s what appa does too to eomma that’s why I know
Anyway, I watched Dragon Ball Z today. I’m quitting the soccer team to be like Goku!!!
Oct. 15
Dear Diary,
I think I’m sick. I can’t do the kamehameha.
Oct. 20
DEAR DIARY!
PRESIDENT LEE GIKWANG ENTERED OUR HOUSE AND GAVE US KIMCHI!!!!!! I’M TELLING MY FRIENDS
Eomma told me Lee Gikwang hyung is now a singer with a group. I was wrong all this time… He told me not to quit soccer and he played soccer with me! Hyung is now my friend! I’m going to see him on TV someday. He’s going to be like Goku wow
Nov. 4
Dear Diary,
Iseul told me she loves me after PE class and then ran away. What… I just turned 7 and I have to learn how to reach my toes love is too troublesome. What does that even mean
Crinkles formed beside her eyes as her hearty laugh reverberated throughout the kitchen. She gently her son’s soft hair and slouched to meet his height. She’s had him for 7 years but it seemed like she still hasn’t gotten used to children spontaneously asking the most random of questions.
“Why do you want to know, son?”
“My classmate said she loves me!”
Wonder and curiosity filled his brown doe eyes and though he had a slight idea of what the cryptic word means, he thought asking his mom would give him more information than what is existing inside his head. He figured that’s what binds the two people hanging out next to his tree house together, but he isn’t over 20. He also thought love surrounds his parents because they say they love each other every time, but he isn’t married and he isn’t that old.
“It’s because you’re very handsome, Hei,” his mom dotingly pinched her son’s plump cheeks and smiled warmly.
“Eomma, you tell me that all the time but you never answered me,” Hei looked intently at her, eyes craving for answers. His mom quietly stood up and straightened her back, held the small hand of her child and led him to the living room. She felt something overly familiar as she guided the boy walking in small steps to sit with her on the couch; the déjà vu made her remember of her most treasured wedding day, the exchanging of personal vows before the altar, the sweet I’ve found love and that love embodied is you before the tying of the knot, the memories even before that. How those memories resurfaced without warning, she wanted to know.
“It’s this warm feeling you feel when you’re genuinely happy with someone. You’re happy when they’re around, and you miss them when you’re not. Besides you feeling happy, you also want that someone to be happy and share what bit of happiness you got with them, you worry and take care of them when they’re feeling unwell, hug and comfort them when they’re sad, help them out when they’re in a pinch,” she paused to see if the child was catching up with her drawling and booped his nose, earning a pleasant giggle from the boy. “This is what your appa and I feel about you, Hei. This is also what you feel about Mr. Bear. You love him because he keeps you company like your friends. You love your friends too, right? That’s why you enjoy playing with them.”
Hei slowly nodded and lifted himself up to give his mom a peck on the cheek. He struggled to get down from the couch and widely smiled at her. “Thank you, eomma!”
“Are you going to bike around the village?” she asked him as he ran out of her sight with those short lively legs. Their neighbourhood wasn’t entirely that dangerous but their area was getting more and more populated that a lot of cars were starting to pass by. She worried over her son like a mother normally would.
“Nae, eomma! I will take eeextra care and ride on the sidewalks!”
She breathed in to calm her heart from beating too fast. Hei’s teachers always complimented him to her saying he’s one bright and intelligent kid and although she’s pleased with her son’s achievements in school, she knew that being textbook smart won’t mean he’s street smart. She grabbed her coat along with her mother instincts and follow Hei as he drove around town.
Nov. 4
Dear Diary,
I passed by a café and saw Gikwang hyung on TV along with five others. He’s cool. I thought I wanted to become a singer too. I watched for too long I almost bumped a trash can. I didn’t so I’m okay. Eomma almost fainted. She grounded me. L
Nov. 10
Dear Diary,
I’ve been grounded for almost a week now so I always play with appa in the tree house when he is not working. Gikwang hyung sounds crazy and stupid when he shouts SARANGHAE to the noona. I’m getting used to it. But he still sounds stupid.
“Gikwang hyung!”
“Oh! Isn’t it our cutie Hei! How’s school?”
“Hyung, why do you always say saranghae?!”
Gikwang remained his hands outstretched, Hei refusing to be hugged by the singer. Partly embarrassed of a child rejecting a hug from him and partly staggered from the unforeseen question, he cleared his throat and rubbed the side of his neck. The inquisitiveness couldn’t leave the child’s eyes and Gikwang turned more astonished after seeing the flicker in them. Gikwang poked the child’s forehead playfully and grinned at him.
“If you frown like that, you’re going to get wrinkles before I do!”
The child stopped frowning. He touched Gikwang’s cheeks and squished them.
“Hyung, your eyes are gone again.”
“Ah, really?” he released his finger from Hei’s forehead and cleared his throat once more. The smile disappeared from his face and he looked oddly stern, Hei thought he didn’t suit looking like a cold prince. Gikwang made his eyes bigger with his two fingers in attempt to create funny faces.
Hei tried not to laugh and tried not to forget about what he asked him instantly as he ran across him on the neighbourhood. Gikwang just had a filling lunch with his bandmates and went home straight to keep a promise. They might not see each other much after BEAST’s ground-breaking debut and though they’d love to spend more time with each other in the old tree house, some things just won’t go according to what they wish for.
“Hei-ah! Look at hyung all you want now! You won’t be seeing this ugly face on TV!”
Hei literally guffawed and lightly slapped Gikwang’s cheeks with both hands.
“Hyung! If you’re making me forget about what I asked you then you’re wrong! I got a perfect score in memorization today. I don’t forget!”
Gikwang could only sigh and mumble, “There’s no escape.” He looked into the distance and thought hard, Hei eyeing his every moment.
“Well… it’s an expression of love, of course. Your hyung thinks that when people actually mean it, they should say it as many times as they want.”
“I know that. But do you have to shout it all the time?”
“People have different ways of expressing. Sometimes people who love each other only look at each other to know. Sometimes they write it down. Sometimes they draw. It just sort of happened that it’s my way of expressing it. Hei-ah, what’s yours?”
Nov. 14
Dear Diary,
Iseul said she don’t love me anymore. I said okay and she cried. I really don’t understand it.
Anyway, Goku transformed in Super Saiyan. He’s so cool.
I told about soccer to Gikwang hyung on the phone. He said “Doojoon” and “Yoseob” would love to talk to me. I don’t know who they are but they must be soccer prodigies!!! I learned that word in class today ㅋㅋ
Nov. 16
Dear Diary,
Ilseun gave me chocolates… they’re burnt but I ate them all because she might cry again. The chocolates make me happy!!! I don’t love Ilseun but I like her. Mom makes better chocolates but I like eating both of theirs.
I tried teaching her soccer and brought band aids with me just in case. She accidentally kicked me. The band aids were for her but I didn’t know I was the one who is going to use it ://
Gikwang hyung and the noona weren’t in their tree house today. I wonder when will hyung come home and play soccer with me. Noona might be lonely without him around, too.
Dec. 23
Dear Diary,
Gikwang hyung arrived today after so long. Ahjumma is happy. My mom baked cakes and I was the one who gave one cake to them. Ahjumma gave me candies :D The cake tastes GOOD and their Christmas lights were COOOOL
“Gikwang, show some decency!”
Hei couldn’t take his eyes off the couple in the tree house next to his. The noona had her palm pushing Gikwang’s cheek away from her, making him look like he was pouting. They were far from looking like a married pair having a heated argument; the lady was laughing and Gikwang false weeping.
“Whyyy?”
“A kid is watching us!”
Gikwang’s eyes grew a bit larger at the sudden statement and squinted to clearly take a look at the kid who’s caught to be watching them from afar. He gasped and exclaimed a short “oh!” and pointed at the kid, eventually receiving a slap on the arm by the girl saying it’s rude to point a finger at somebody; Gikwang preceded to gesture at the child with an open palm after her retort.
“It’s Hei!”
“Who?”
“Hei, he’s the kid. We’re pretty close.”
“Then, stop showing him things he shouldn’t be seeing!”
Gikwang laughed nervously and scratched the nape of his neck. Hei continued on watching, only hearing muffled voices and imagining what the two were fighting over. Probably over those limited edition toy cars that were on sale just a few days ago.
“But Sunhui…” his words came out slightly incoherent since the hand firmly pressed on his left cheek was persistent on not letting go. Sunhui pushed him harder; Gikwang whined.
“Nope!” Sunhui ceased pushing him and pressed her fingers on her lips instead, slowly inching away from Gikwang while stifling giggles. The singer pitifully stood there, pouting, after she gave up on controlling her laughter and burst into laughing so boisterously, chanting Gikwangie pabo in between laughter. He faked glaring at her just to see her cackle. It was far from being easy on the ear but he’s fond of it nonetheless.
His days were starting to get busy; the company kept on assigning variety roles to him that he had no choice but to accept even though those supposed roles would take a toll on his image one day. More hours were added to him that prevented him from coming home, and in this exact moment, he misses home already. He misses her already. He knew that it will take him months before he gets to see her laugh like a mad person again. It will take more than that before he gets to touch her again. More hours were added to him only seeing pictures of them together that were taken on a cheap cellphone than there is to him actually seeing her in the flesh.
His short stupor was interrupted by the sudden finger that nimbly tapped his nose.
“Earth to Gikwang! What were you thinking?”
He stopped thinking of those days without her and decided to live on where he is now, in the 10 year-old tree house, right next to where she’s at.
“Would a kiss on the cheek be alright?”
“You know the kid is still watching us, right?” she countered, resting a hand on her hip. Frankly, she didn’t mind. What she does mind is being entertained by teasing the singer.
Gikwang heaved a sigh, silently cursing the huge window of his– their tree house. He used to love the window because it provided a clear view of the horizon and he loved nothing more than seeing stratus clouds adorning the navy expanse that is destined to be dyed with shades of orange and burgundy during sunsets and with delicate cerise during sunrise. But now that the beauty of the sky comes in second place, he doesn’t need the wooden window anymore and could just look behind his shoulder.
He turned to the child who was still watching and didn’t falter to wave a greeting at him. Sunhui did, too. Gikwang has a notion that she doesn’t feel the same way as he does when it comes to children after growing up with the noisiest and messiest of “tiny humans”, but what he does know is that she genuinely cares for them and appreciates them, even more when they’re not wailing like loud sirens.
Hei waved back and shouted, “Hyung, I want to play soccer with you!”
Gikwang cupped the sides of his lips and shouted back, “Very soon, Hei-ah! When hyung comes back, we’ll play a lot!”
He outstretched his arm forward and lifted a pinky. The 7 year old was confused and did the same action, not knowing what in the world the hand signal meant.
“It’s a pinky promise, Hei! It’s to seal the deal! We’ll go playing soccer soon with your other hyungs!”
The 7 year-old flashed him a wide toothy grin and waved a goodbye through his stuffed bear, exclaimed It’s a promise, okay?!, and waved a pinky in his other hand. He left his tree house a bit later.
“He’s cute,” Sunhui admitted, leaning her back on the wooden fence.
“He’s too curious for his own good…” Gikwang shook his head but an easy smile on his face was apparent. Young Hei reminded him of his younger days looking far away with a watchful eye from the tree house window and asking his mom of random questions concerning the clouds and why the sky sometimes resembles the cotton candy they both ate one spring afternoon.
The sun shied away and set, its remaining light painting the sky a bleak shade of mauve. Street lights were lighting up the neighbourhood one by one, and what were left of the pavements were middle schoolers along with high schoolers returning home. One or two stars were the only ones who accompanied the moon and Gikwang found himself thinking again about the days looking forward for him rather than him looking forward for them.
He was starting to get cold but something even colder touched his fingers, the cold eventually spreading throughout his hand. There was always something comforting about the coolness of Sunhui’s fingertips. He used to get electrified by every touch but now he’s used to intertwining his fingers with hers without feeling a bit edgy.
“I used to think the moon was a lonely and pitiful thing.”
He watched her long lashes touch her skin as she slowly closed her eyes and breathed in the night breeze before she exhaled what remains of her thoughts.
“That was a wrong judgement.”
He didn’t look at her, but he knew she already had opened her eyes and those brown eyes that he has come to admire were looking right at him. The crescent heavenly body surrounded by the thin feathers of the night time’s clouds was a breathtaking sight.
“Why did you think so?”
“Well, little young me perceived the lonely moon as a sad thing who can’t touch the stars that are in the same space as it. The moon only borrows light from the sun, and it can’t touch that big star, too. It can’t touch anything. Even stars can’t touch their neighbours for they’re all so distant. But now that I think of it, I thought of the moon that way because I was also lonely.”
She stopped looking at him and they soon were both looking at the same ebony sky.
“There’s a moment of consciousness when one realizes being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely. Right now, I think each and every one of them is content in where they are, pleased at the light that they’re emitting, even the moon although its light is a small share of the sun’s. It’s maybe because right now I’m happy with where I am, too. I’m happy with the way that I am, too.”
“Me too,“ his words harmonized with hers. “I’m content as well.”
“Make a promise to me, too, Gikwang,” she spoke quickly and with a mix of desperation and honesty, struggling to free her fingers from his hold to wrap around her little finger to his. “Say you’ll come home soon. Maybe bring with you Yoseob too so that I can hit him for not buying me a shirt from Japan.”
Both were aware of their own and each other’s responsibilities. And that their time was almost up. Gikwang will return to his other musical-inclined family and she will return to where she should be to teach space enthusiasts about stars and the universe. He will return to being BEAST’s Lee Gikwang and she will return to being his secret. His loud I love yous will be for his fans and not for her. And the 10 year old tree house will remain bare of human existence.
They know more than anyone that even the sole star visible on the night sky can’t grant their wish for even just one extra second. Because that star is probably already dead. And shooting stars are merely meteors falling into the surface of the earth. And they do not grant wishes.
He gently cupped her cheek with his other hand and drew closer. Plump lips brush against the side of and her breath hitches when his lips hovered over hers. She stopped him from doing so minutes ago, and she’ll make it up for it. Delicate fingertips gingerly pulled his head towards her as she kissed him back. Slowly, gently, tenderly.
“Do you promise?”
It might take a long time but –
In between kisses, he swore. “I do.”
In between kisses, she breathed. “I promise to wait.”
“I’m not so sure of bringing Yoseob with me, though.”
A giggled. “Nah, that’s fine. I can punch him next time.”
March 5
Dear Diary,
Sunhui noona treated me to ice cream! She’s a nice person! Appa is cleaning and fixing my tree house, I miss it already…
March 6
Dear Diary,
It kinds of feels sad without hyung and noona not becoming annoying.
March 17
Dear Diary,
It’s appa’s birthday!!!!!!!!! We went to an amusement park and it was very fun! I hope appa is healthy and happy all time ^^
March 25
Dear Diary,
Sunhui noona at soccer. Why did Gikwang hyung marry her? I saw him on TV today!!! Confettis fell on stage and him and his friends were crying. Sunhui noona cried too. Was the event really that sad? The last time I saw someone cried was when eomma watched a movie entitled An ___ to Remember. I don’t know how to spell the other word.
Noona promised me free ice cream! We pinky promised!
Sunhui never really liked the idea of spending time with children. She’s been traumatized enough by her nieces and nephews who just can’t seem to cut her some slack. The shrill screams and fights of the children in their household made her want to move out and just reside on the street.
She never really liked them, but somehow, she ended up befriending the 7-year old. He was smart, but intelligence often had its limits. When it comes to everything outside school, she figured he’ll be given a failing grade. Her parents didn’t like the idea of having a second child and even though she did grew up with children close enough for her to feel like she got siblings, she felt like the bond between her and little Hei is more that of a noona-dongsaeng bond than it is with her nephews.
She didn’t dislike it when he asks random questions because when little Hei asks, the wonder and curiosity filling his round doe eyes draws her into answering whatever the question is all about. Hei’s yearning for knowledge was pure because his intent to know was pure. He trusts your answers and sees them for himself to prove you’re right. The littlest of things bring him joy and he worries so little. It was the innocence of a child, and she’s determined to protect it.
She thinks she’s spending way too much money buying him scoops of vanilla ice cream, but that would be the least of her problems.
“Noona, you’re ugly when you cry,” Hei honestly pointed out, offering her his tiny handkerchief. Sunhui measly reacted to the child’s statement; her attention was somewhere else, she couldn’t even bring herself to look away from the television and accept Hei’s handkerchief. After seconds of not paying any mind to him, Hei took Sunhui’s trembling fingers and forced the cloth under her grip. He wondered why she squealed like that and sobbed that hysterically afterwards, and swore to himself to ask her later when the tears have dried.
Ah, finally. The world has witnessed your efforts. Those strenuous years of aching with sore muscles and sleepless nights in the sweat and muscle ointment-whiffed practice room weren’t for nothing. Your hard work has finally paid off and now you’re loved and appreciated and you’re all so loved. You’ve proven yourselves and now you’re recognized. I’m proud of you, and I hope you’re all proud of yourselves, too. Congratulations, boys.
“Everyone knows that,” she sniffed. “Don’t tell your hyung I cried.”
Hei bumped his tiny pinky to hers knowing her hands were preoccupied with wiping her tears and not messing up her makeup during the process.
“I won’t even tell Mr. Bear.”
The older smiled at him, a tear falling down her cheek when her smile reached her eyes. She ruffled the boy’s soft bouncy hair and whispered, thank you.
March 30
Dear Diary,
I pricked my finger TT TT I tried to sew Mr. Bear but I should’ve asked for mom’s help first.
Sunhui noona wasn’t around to buy me ice cream. It’s okay!! Appa, eomma and I had a picnic! Eomma’s sandwiches are THE BEST
April 2
Dear Diary,
I LOVE SOCCER
April 5,
Dear Diary,
Seolchan said he’s going to be a singer. I told him my neighbour was Lee Gikwang but he didn’t believe me.....I could’ve introduced him to hyung but……okay
April 10,
Dear Diary,
Nothing. I just wanted to see how cool writing in cursive is. Bye!!!
April 11
Mr. Bear Mr. Bear Mr. Bear Mr. Bear Mr. Bear Mr. Bear and soccer
I got assignments. Cursive is cool
April 21,
Dear Diary,
AAAAAAAAAAAAA I’m so bored. Mr. Bear is being dry-cleaned by eomma and my airplanes are not keeping me that much company.
I stayed for a long time in the tree house to look at the sky with eomma and appa. It has many stars today. Moon-ssi must be so happy. I wish hyung and noona are seeing the same view as I am.
“Do you see it?! Do you see it?!”
Sunhui could barely hold her cellphone (and her excitement), her palms wobbly and sweaty, a lump tightly forming in . These were one of those nights when she felt her eyes grow twice as big from all the amazement she’s been blessed to witness. She felt bad contacting Gikwang at 2:30 am but the guilt eventually melted into relief when he picked up the phone after three rings.
He hasn’t forgotten.
“AAAH, LEE GIKWANG DID YOU JUST – DID YOU JUST SEE THAT?!” her heart was beating too rapidly, like she was falling in love for the nth time. She held her breath each time a meteor appears and disappears in less than a second, leaving not a hint of trace behind that were noticeable by the eye. Ah, if only she had a camera with her to capture the trails of stunning white.
She spotted another meteor flew by. Her breath hitched.
“Ow, I think I just got deaf,” the voice on the other line whined.
The annually fervent meteor enthusiast scoffed.
“You should get used to it by n – Oh my god, that was just beautiful. Did you see that?”
A low laugh echoed through the phone.
“I saw, I saw.”
“Holy stars, I think I’m going to cry.”
And then silence. Both had their phones pressed firmly against their ear, their eyes focused on the Lyrids, both admiring of what looked like falling, whizzing stars. They didn’t believe in shooting stars granting requests, but they both silently asked for something, anyway.
The 2:40am breeze was cold, and being alone was colder.
Gikwang was terribly exhausted, but he felt more awake than he ever was at the quarter before 3. It’s like the meteors that descended from the heavens released a substantial amount of energy that has somehow been injected right into his veins, tiny molecules of the galaxy flowing along with his blood. Suddenly waking up by the 2am alarm wasn’t so bad after all. In any case, he trusted Sunhui when it comes to asking him to promise her something, and promising to accompany her, whether oceans away, at 2am during April 22, to set eyes on the Lyrid Meteor Shower will never be an inconvenience.
Right now they’re looking at the same sky. Loneliness is forgotten.
Every year, they both fall asleep like that: back rested on the almost damp grass, phone already loosed from their clutch, and their skin softly caressed by the friendly touch of sunlight and the fresh breeze of dawn. And every year they wake up with a likely high phone bill.
April 23,
Dear Diary,
It that I fell asleep before I saw a shooting star. I had lots to wish, like I wish eomma and appa will live long. I wish to be healthy along with my friends, too. I wish hyung and noona will play with me together. I noticed the 3 of us never played. I wish hyung and his friends succeed too and I wish Mr. Bear won’t tear anymore and I wish I won’t get pricked anymore. I hate the sight of blood. I also wish for more stars so that Moon-ssi won’t be lonely and be happy like I am. I wish to understand more about the world but it’s kind of scary so I’ll just stick to my first wishes
April 26,
Dear Diary,
I’ve been banned from riding my bike for quite some time. I guess I should just
“Hei-ah! You got visitors!”
The abrupt shout of his mom immediately stopped him from continuing to write a sentence. Hei quickly placed the pencil inside the pen holder and ran downstairs, making sure to not miss one step. He had guests that afternoon that will surely shock him. When he saw the couple standing restlessly before their house’s door, he instantly believed that shooting stars do grant wishes.
He ran to Gikwang’s stretched out arms and before he knew it, arms were warmly embracing his small build. Gikwang carried him off his feet and swung him from side to side, then received violent strikes on the upper arm from the girl beside her, exclaiming that he’s making her nervous and what he was doing was way too dangerous. The singer eventually put the boy down and made a face when Sunhui earnestly apologized to Hei’s mother, who was more than grateful for the two adults. She was worried her son would only write and not socialize after writing ever so religiously on his diary that day when he realized he can finally jot down sentences. Without Gikwang and Sunhui, Hei wouldn’t know there’s fun outside writing and studying aside from soccer.
“Are we going to play soccer with the other hyungs today?!” Hei couldn’t hide both the excitement and, in time, the disappointment after seeing Gikwang slowly shaking his head; the 7 year-old hung his head down low. Sunhui bent down to meet his eyes and rested a hand on the upset child’s shoulder.
“Your Gikwang hyung kept his word and came home. Do you like to celebrate his return with me?” Sunhui attempted to win him over, trying her best to sound as sweet as possible. Hei puffed his round rosy cheeks and nodded once.
April 26,
Dear Diary,
I had loads of fun!!!!!! There’s nothing better than smiling with others! Hyung is funny and he smiles a lot and that makes noona smile too. Hyung’s eyes look like the moon when it isn’t a circle. Noona seems to have the same eyes too. The sun gets brighter with them and I’m happy I know hyung and noona. AND NOONA PROMISED TO BUY ME ICE CREAM!!! We pinky swore~
Too bad eomma fetched me at 5 :--( But it’s okay. I spent a lot of time making origami with eomma and appa.
Sunhui barely describes Gikwang as the sunshine. Forsooth, he reminds her of the night sky. His eyes when he smiles are beautifully shaped crescents, his smiles reflect the lasting glow of constellations, and gentle touches give off the same vibe as those thin downy clouds enveloping the presence of the moon. He is her universe. And if one earth day is ample enough for her to fall for him, she falls for him 365.24 times a year – maybe even more each day – not knowing her treasured cosmos sees her as his galaxy.
Gikwang marvelled at how Sunhui manages to look even lovelier in each passing day, and he’s terrified. When he told her she’s beautiful, she used to reply a joke saying she holds the power of a star because she’s a child of the universe. He once stayed up all night, anxiously thinking if the universe would want her back soon.
A star reaches its extreme effulgence once it ceases to be. A supernova.
Petrified. Gikwang is petrified.
May 3,
Dear Diary,
Noona and hyung are in the tree house again. And they’re noisy again. And eomma and appa are noisy again fighting over what movie to watch tonight. I love Finding Nemo more than Cars though… It’s quiet here with Mr. Bear. Maybe I should invite a few friends. But they’re noisy too. But it’s nice to be noisy with friends when we’re not fighting over toys. My classmates fought because of a Rubik’s Cube before. Haaa
Minho said there’s a ghost in our restroom. I checked it out. There was nothing. Haaaaaaa liars
I saw noona and hyung pinky promise again. What is it this time……
“Should I take you to boat riding?” Sunhui looked up from the book she was so absorbed into reading. She arched a brow and blinked, presenting him a look that said a bit in the lines of You? A rising star? Boat riding with me? In public? You serious?
“Nobody would know!”
“Yeah, right. Tell me that when nobody is tailing you whenever you buy energy drinks during midnight. I thought you’re cutting down drinking those?
Gikwang can’t say a thing. She was right. Subsequent to winning in a music show, they all seemed to gain sasaengs of their own that can’t seem to leave them even if it meant them staying up till 5am to just see where they’re going. They’ve probably found out where he’s living by now that Sunhui needed to take further precautions and arrive minutes first in the tree house instead of them climbing on top together, Gikwang always coming second in case Sunhui miss a step and fall inelegantly.
Times like these inside his old tree house were turning lesser and lesser as he gets more occupied and she more worried of both him and herself.
After a dreadful silence, she spoke. “Okay.”
“What?”
“Tell me when.”
Gikwang can’t help but smile.
“We have no schedule on the last Saturday of the month. Should we go at night time? Boat riding and star gazing; it’s a package deal. Will you accompany me as we spend the night together?”
Her pink lips curled towards the sky after his oh so cringe-worthy remark. He didn’t have to ask.
Sunhui stood up from where she was comfortably sitting, and slowly walked towards Gikwang. He could’ve sworn he heard her utter the words It’s perfect. Subtly, she held his arm and raised her pinky.
“Sure.”
Gikwang’s low chuckle resonated through the small wooden house and he linked his smallest finger with hers.
“It’s a promise then.”
May 4
Dear Diary,
Minho played with me today. He broke one of my toys. Is it okay to not be friends with him or will that make me a bad boy? But really, I’m angry at him.
May 5
Dear Diary,
Appa said we’ll go boat riding on the 28th! I’m so excited!
May 6
Dear Diary,
I got scolded because I said Minho isn’t my friend anymore. Eomma said to forgive and forget. Minho said sorry. I forgive him. It was hard. But I forgive him. Being angry is tiresome anyway
May 7
Dear Diary,
I’m happy today!!!!!!! It’s sunny!!!!!!! Good weather to play soccer!!!!!!
May 8,
Dear Diary,
It suddenly rained. It seems sad today. I can’t play soccer too.
Mom made me hot choco. It’s sweet and makes me feel warm!!!! Rainy days aren’t so bad after all ^o^
May 9
Dear Diary,
I went to the tree house for no reason. Mr. Rain is still here! It’s raining hard so it’s hard to play soccer L
May 10
Dear Diary,
I went to the tree house again! Gikwang hyung came too!!! I asked him if we’ll play soccer today but he said no. I played alone with appa instead. Still fun!!!!!
May 11
Dear Diary,
I asked Gikwang hyung to play soccer with me again today because all the other kids . He said no again :/ Whyyyyy ;-; is it because it’s raining?
May 12
Mr. Sun is back but Gikwang hyung isn’t smiling anymore. I asked eomma why and she just smiled at me and touched my head. She doesn’t look happy when she smiled :/ whyyyyyyyy
I want to tell hyung that having cavities are okay and Mr. Dentist can help him. But he’s always not showing himself…..
May 13
Dear Diary,
I climbed to my tree house the same as Gikwang hyung. He’s weird. He suddenly disappeared when got in. He used to stand by the window :/
I watched his tree house until night. Gikwang hyung didn’t open his lights. Didn’t they pay the electricity bill?
The irony was almost ludicrous. The sun and its shining glory shone down on his skin, yet he has lost his sense of sight to witness it. Even the stars are left for him to not admire anymore. He hasn’t seen any light the time the darkness rained on the world and purloined all the promises he has sworn to keep.
He carried the anguish of the moon on his shoulders.
He learned to despise downpours.
He can’t feel his lungs. He can’t feel and taste anything, even the brininess of tears and the metallic taste of blood; he told himself he’s grown numb. But something still ached.
The tree house has been dim for days.
“Sunhui noona!” the adult quickly raised a pointing finger before her lips and hushed the 7 year old, the child covered his mouth with his plump hands in awareness of how loud his voice came out.
“Noona, why –”
“Hei-ah! You should always close your bedroom window! I heard it will rain a lot later. You wouldn’t want your books to get wet right?”
“I close it before I sleep. But, noona, why are you here?” Hei tidied up his pencils and packed them inside a small pencil case while Sunhui leisurely roamed around the small yet neat bedroom, admiring how organized the child’s room was. This was far, so far, from what she thinks of what a child’s bedroom often looked like.
“Shouldn’t you be with hyung? He’s been alone for days! And also, Sunhui noona, Gikwang hyung isn’t playing with me anymore. Did you have a divorce?”
“Hei-ah!” Sunhui was more than surprised of the child’s words and wanted to delete the word from his mental dictionary. An ugly word. “Where did you learn that word? And your hyung and I aren’t married.”
“From a classmate,” he replied simply. “Noona please answer my question…”
Carefully, Sunhui walked towards the young boy, cautious of the toy car displays that she might knock down, until she remembered she’s not a walking hazard anymore that once knocked down Gikwang’s shoe collection.
She stooped down to the child’s height and sturdily looked at him in the eye. Hei looked at her back, not fidgeting at all.
“How’s Gikwang?”
“Very sad! You should know that much as a wife– as a very, very, very, very close bestest friend.”
She felt nothing but guilt starting to eat her whole. The way her heart hurt against her chest astonished her and she could only bite her lip as a reaction.
“Can you do me a favour, Hei?”
“I’m not old enough to earn money and buy ice cream, noona.” This made Sunhui giggle and she shook her head twice.
“Not that. Noona wants you to work on your magic.”
“Magic?”
Sunhui nodded. “Yes. Magic. You got that inside you.” She pointed to Hei’s heart and the child unconsciously placed a hand on the part of his shirt that covered his chest. Her bones didn’t tense up anymore and, more relaxed, she sat on the fuzzy carpet and crossed her legs. Hei sat down as well.
“You know, Hei-ah? I don’t really like kids. Especially babies. They’re loud and they love to pull your hair and scratch your face and step on you. I don’t know if it’s on purpose but the kids who I seemed to encounter were all of those.”
This earned a frown from the child who got overly offended and insulted.
“But! Hei is so different from all of them! Actually, after I played with you I started to enjoy playing with my nephews and nieces, too,” she smiled so terribly brightly and warmly that in that instant, Hei immediately thought of Gikwang’s smile that was absent for days.
“If for me, Gikwang is the night, you are the sunshine! A very bright kid. I wish you played more with the kids your age and enjoy what your youth has to offer. Be dumb with them, be weird with them, be happy with them. I worry over a lot of things when I was young I didn’t have time to do these but I hope you seize your childhood and make the best out of everything. Without neglecting your schoolwork, of course!”
Hei had seen several pretend smiles, and he didn’t know the criteria for assessing what an authentic smile is but what he was seeing was genuine; even a child can see that Sunhui’s words were heartfelt. He didn’t speak and only nodded.
“I only want him to be happy,” her words were meant to only stay in her head, but they immediately slipped out from her. “I can’t do that all the time…
“Please work your magic on Gikwang.”
“How?”
“Share him your light. Can you promise me that?”
He was only 7. He barely understood. He can’t see whatever glow he possesses but he felt something blaze up inside him. Was it determination, was it the sense of duty, he didn’t know. The fire he sensed controlled him into nodding his head another time and letting out a quiet yes.
Sunhui languidly took out three coupons from her pocket and placed it in the space between them.
“Here you go! Your most awaited limited edition ice cream~ You can choose over a variety of flavours. Take care of these and choose wisely, okay?”
The child beamed and excitedly picked up the small coupons, the grin on his face obvious.
“Thank you, noona! Thank you! You really are the best! And for our promise! I will bring back Gikwang hyung’s smile. It’s my new mission!”
The younger held out his pinky and outstretched his arm. Sunhui flinched by the sudden action and pointed her pinky –
“Hae-ah! It’s way past your bedtime! What are you still doing?”
Both pairs of eyes popped when faint footsteps were heard and Hei quickly signalled Sunhui to leave through the window.
“Hei-ah! Be careful on rainy days!” Sunhui cautioned with a whisper as she complied and slipped out of the window as swift as a ghost after waving goodbye to the 7 year old. She watched the room turn dim and smiled at her successful escape and at everything that happened before that.
The night was cold and it also was way, way past her bed time. She could’ve gone home, but not yet. Not yet.
May 14
Dear Diary,
Eomma didn’t see me awake ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ Sunhui noona is very nice and I thank God for her. I will make lots of friends and even though I didn’t promise her that, I will do it. Noona keeps all her promises. I should too ^^ I’m excited to ride a boat and share my coupons with eomma and appa! Good night!!
Gikwang’s tree house stairs screamed nothing but danger. For Hei, it was the scariest thing that he has ever walked on in his entire life. The wood looked like it was going to snap in any minute and he felt both fear and sweat trickling down his round cheeks.
“Hei-ah! What are you doing –“
Hei wasn’t able to look and see Gikwang’s horrified expression as he was trying to keep his attention on his steps and on the weak wooden stairs.
“Wait,” the younger muttered, taking another step. Gikwang felt his heart stop, the first thing he has felt other than it beating too fiercely after so long. Hei dusted off his pants when he reached the top and when he looked up at Gikwang’s face, he could barely recognize his hyung.
His eyes were bloodshot, a shade of dark grey which is obviously not done by makeup coloring the skin underneath his once smiling eyes. His bottom lip, wounded, made Hei quiver in fear that his hyung was engaged in a street fight that he once saw accidentally on TV. Hei could only stare as beads of liquid made tracks of tears down Gikwang’s cheeks continuously. Lee Gikwang was crying, and the boy didn’t know what to do. Without warning, Gikwang suddenly wrapped his strong arms around Hei’s small frame, a protective hand holding the back of his head.
Everything else didn’t feel like Lee Gikwang, but his hug was still as warm as it was the last time, the only thing that hasn’t changed till now.
“Hei, are you stupid? There are another set of stairs on the other side… those stairs are extremely weak they can’t handle anyone’s weight and – oh my God, Hei, you could’ve fell… I’m so worried…” Gikwang choked, but kept on speaking about Hei needing to take care of himself more because nobody is always there to catch him and he cried. He cried so hard he can’t see anything. He felt so ing useless.
A small hand patted his back, comforting, a bit arrhythmic, but consoling nevertheless. Hei didn’t know how to comfort, but his mom once did the same when he was dreadfully devastated after his pet fish died. He didn’t know if it had the same effect on a man thrice his age, but it was the least that he could do.
“I’m sorry.”
Gikwang sniffed and sobbed. “It’s okay, Hei-ah. It’s okay.”
Hei expected nothing from what’s inside the tree house except that it would look old, but it was highly maintained, like every month it gets redesigned to look newer than ever; the interior was simple, there was a huge window that he was too reluctant to walk near to, wooden chairs, a cushion, and a few memos and pictures stuck on a cork board.
“Why did you go here, Hei?”
Hei wordlessly raised the stuffed bear he was found devotedly carrying all the time with both of his outstretched arms, silently telling Gikwang to take them. The singer, hesitant to accept the bear, shakily held the stuffed toy.
“Hei, this bear –“
“I’m letting you borrow that bear and that bear is named Mr. Bear.”
“Ah, it’s Mr. Bear… But, Hei, I can’t accept –“
“It’s okay, hyung. I can live my life without Mr. Bear for a few days. I have Mr. Bean Sprout in my room that I can hold onto. But you, hyung, you don’t have any stuff toys. You need Mr. Bear more than I do.”
Gikwang was bewildered. A child was vaguely telling him he was lonely.
“I’m letting you borrow Mr. Bear,” the child firmly stated, like it was final and Gikwang had absolutely no say in it.
“But why…”
Hei wrapped Gikwang’s arms around the bear and smiled, all the light in the world trapped in his sincere but delighted grin.
“Because when I hold Mr. Bear, I never feel sad.”
Hei was pulling his heartstrings. Gikwang felt his heart move again, and this time, it didn’t hurt. He was overwhelmed with the most number of pleasing emotions; he felt a tear fall down to his neck and down to his collarbone. And another.
Salty liquid travelled down the corner of his lips that were surprisingly curled up to some extent.
“You really didn’t have to do this Hei-ah…” he said that, but in actuality, he was glad Hei did.
“Noona told me to. She was really worried. And we made a promise.”
“Noona?”
“She sneaked into my house like a burglar, Sunhui noona,” Hei chuckled. “And gave me ice cream coupons! Hyung, aren’t we lucky to have someone who always keeps her promises?”
Gikwang woke up and found himself smiling bitterly this time. He coughed out a laugh.
You’re unbelievable, Yoo Sunhui.
May 18
Dear Diary,
I see Gikwang hyung in TV again. He’s good at dancing! The other hyungs too! They’re cool
May 21
Dear Diary,
Ilseun came and played with me in the tree house! She got her hair stuck on one of the branches hahahahaha
May 22
Dear Diary,
I shared my coupons and gave two of them to eomma and appa. We ate ice cream today ^^
May 28
Dear Diary,
It rained today so we’ll ride a boat tomorrow. Instead, eomma, appa and I made paper boats and we sail them in puddles. I’m still working on my paper folding skills but my boat float! ^^ Can’t wait to ride an actual boat tomorrow!
May 29
Dear Diary,
D-Day! It’s boat riding day!
His manager scolded him and told him to do whatever he wants before storming out of the room. And Gikwang did just that. On that fine night, he wasn’t BEAST’s Lee Gikwang, and most definitely not AJ. He promised Sunhui a boat ride and she will get a damn boat ride. Idol norms can temporarily go and themselves.
Hei’s parents offered him a ride but he politely declined and hailed a cab. The road towards the riverside looked so long and the clock kept on ticking. He was yet again reminded that they were almost running out of time and there he was irksomely under the pressure to shake off unnecessary thoughts. Gikwang forced his attention on the catchy BOA song playing on the radio.
When Gikwang arrived, what he feared, he was finally a witness of it. Sunhui looked the most beautiful than she did during their usual tree house rendezvous. He can’t pry his eyes off her radiating a different kind of light. The moon with the stars combined cannot compete to how alluring she looked and oh dear God, she’s beautiful. Moonlight poured from above and artistically sketched her figure and he awfully wanted to feel her familiar warmth under his embrace one more time, one last time.
He desired to touch, to feel, to live; he hasn’t seen her for days, he has been dead for days.
“Wow, I almost thought you weren’t going to show up,” the teasing tone was evident in her voice, a cunning expression etched across her face. “I was planning on breaking up with you if you did.”
It was weird. He imagined crying hysterically the second he sees her but an opposite reaction came about. A light laugh escaped from Gikwang’s throat, the second after nights of figurative suffocation.
“Like I would ever let that happen.”
The river, entirely bathed by moonlight, perfectly reflected the twinkling stars that hung down by invisible strings, and much more did it beautifully reflect the mysterious light and shape of the lunar body. Sunhui wasn’t able to take her eyes off the sky, a familiar smile on her red lips. She smiled the same way when she gazes at Gikwang.
“I’m sorry, Gikwangie.”
She hasn’t called him that since high school.
Gikwang felt a lump in his throat. He couldn’t form words for the longest time.
“It wasn’t your fault.”
Gikwang looked at the boat many feet away from them and smiled. What charitable act have they carried out to meet such a child like Hei? What good has he done to deserve her? What has he done that has favoured those from above that made them reach to a decision and gave him all the happiness that he acquired on earth?
“Ah, I’m starting to miss my nieces and nephews. We were finally interacting without any frustrations, thanks to Hei,” she sighed, though it was apparent that she didn’t regret anything, that she gave them pleasant memories with her. At that time, she was at ease.
“So you went to Hei’s and didn’t even check up on me?” he teased, side-eyeing her.
“I had to give him the coupons, okay!”
It was those rare times when clouds weren’t present to prevent brown eyes from admiring the twinkling gems scattered around the black expanse of the night sky. It didn’t take long before Sunhui paused from looking at the starry display to look at her whole other wonder. When she turned her head, another pair of brown eyes locked with hers.
Her lips trembled at the sight. Gikwang considerably recovered in a short span of countable days but poignant gloom still surrounded his features. She disliked seeing him like this. She’s seen this Lee Gikwang countless of times: when he literally broke a leg from doing tumbling, when his girlfriend cheated on him, when he left JYP, when he couldn’t handle the stress of being AJ, when he looked at her and promised that nobody will ever hurt her. And oh, the things she’d do to rid of those negative emotions whirling inside him and shattering his soul.
“Please don’t cry.”
“I’m trying not to.”
She glanced up at the night sky once again and asked, “Gikwang, do you want me to tell you about my favourite star?”
You don’t have a favourite. You love every single one.
He knew, but he nodded anyway.
“I got one that I like the best.
“Well, I first saw that star when I was 16. I thought he was gay for this other star named Yang Yoseob but that Yang Yoseob got a girlfriend so I basically jumped for joy. I eventually became friends with this star. I remembered when I pointed a star at him and told him it’s Venus. He believed me. And there I decided to spend most of our days telling him all that I know about heavenly bodies. It’s a miracle we ended up in the same orbit.
“That star is the brightest in the universe. Stars never stop radiating light, even after it dies. You know the remains of a star’s core eventually create a black hole, right? And black holes pull everything towards it. But this star… is different. This star stays bright and even though that star thinks it has lost its light, the light is actually there. This star is still kicking. It’s still alive. This star is relevant.”
The stars are in her eyes, it was hard not to look away. He didn’t want to cry yet, he didn’t want tears to blur his vision because right now, his view is perfect.
“I love that star the best.”
Gikwang tried to laugh to stop himself from getting too emotional and looked far away.
“Stars, huh…” he drawled. “Who’s going to watch the Lyads with me, then…”
“Me, of course! Don’t throw me out of the picture.”
“That’s a little freaky…”
“Yah! Tell that to me again, say that one more time!” Sunhui moved aimlessly from side to side the boat rocked left and right. Gikwang nearly panicked, not because he’ll fall down the river and get his socks wet, but because his hair instantly curls when it gets soaked. Sunhui knows this the best. Sunhui knows him the best.
“Okay, okay! That promise is still valid.”
“Our promises last for a life time, Lee Gikwang!”
“You know, you’re actually contra –“
“Ah, shut up! I’m not hearing anything. I’d literally throw you down here and drown you.”
“You wouldn’t do that.”
“I’m most especially capable of doing this,” she leaned too much to the left and the boat tilted too much it really looked like they were going to fall off of it in any minute. One last push and he will end up drenched wholly.
“Yah, yah, yah, don’t do that!!!”
Hei brought back Gikwang’s smile.
Sunhui brought him back to life.
May 29
Dear Diary,
The boat ride was awesome!!!!!!!!!!!! We ate seafood while an ahjussi row row row that boat (kekekeke) I want to come back here again!!!!
The clock is ticking.
Clouds are starting to appear.
The clock is ticking.
“Gikwang, can you promise me one last thing?”
“As long as that won’t make me end up underwater.”
May 29
Dear Diary,
…
Hyung was smiling brightly again. The moon was in his eyes again. Hyung and noona pinky promised and noona suddenly disappeared.
There was always something comforting about the coolness of Sunhui’s fingers. But everything was different that night. Her touch was warm, full of ardour, packed with life. The last warmth he’ll ever receive from her before she wanes like one of the few phases of the moon. His pinky wrapped tightly around hers as he leaned forward to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. He won’t shout professions of love anymore. He won’t bombard her questions like why wasn’t she there when he needed her most. He won’t plead for her to stay.
This is enough. The last promise they make before she goes home, he guarantees to keep. And that promise is enough.
Our promises last for a lifetime. And even beyond that.
You’ve proved that without question.
“I will.”
May 29
Dear Diary,
…
…
I watched hyung looked up at the stars and cried. But he was smiling. He’s crying the same way noona cried in the ice cream parlor. I wonder what they promised this time?
A/N:
Do comment me what you think about this long one-shot and to silent readers, if you're shy but want to complain about all the errors in this fic but want to do it anonymously then just go here ^o^
Thank you for reading <333 Have a fun Valentines Day with a lover, friends and family~!
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