Dear Kibum

37 years ago I was happy, we were happy. Life seemed perfect for us.

37 years ago I made the biggest mistake of my life, a cruel nightmare that haunts me still.

37 years ago we were happily married, I loved you so much. I guess my love for you was too much.

37 years ago we had another silly argument about something worthless yet it led to this nightmare.

37 years ago I went from being your husband to a monster. I heartless, cruel murdering monster.

37 years ago I ended your life, I had not meant to hurt you, I snapped and became a beast with evil shimmering in my eyes.

37 years ago I threw you down the stairs causing you serious head injuries which were so bad you died on the spot.

37 years ago I killed the love of my life, the reason I lived and breathed.

For 37 years I have lived with the regret and guilt knowing it was me. The man you trusted and loved.

For 37 years guilt has been eating me alive.

I took away something so precious to you, I took away your life without meaning too.

It has taken me 37 years to realise why? I have the worst trait a human could ever have. Jealously.

You was always too good for me, deserved so much better then a lowlife like me but you stood by me.

You said "I Do" and "I love you" Many times yet I got jealous. Jealous of my own stupid thoughts.

The thoughts of another touching you, holding you, kissing your lips drove me to rage and snap.

Your were mine and I was selfish to keep you as mine when you deserved to be treated as a king.

It was only two days before our sixth wedding anniversary, I got tickets to take you to Italy. You always wanted to go and loved pasta food.

Yet it was me that made that dream never come true for you, I never meant to push you away from me. I never ment to hurt you.

I AM SORRY KIBUM.

Sorry doesn't seem good enough after what I have done. I know your never forgive me Kibum.

I cannot bare to live on with this guilt eating me alive. 

Every night I go to sleep with the image of you lying motionless at the bottom of the contreate stairs.

Your skin slowly fading in colour to a ghostly white, blood pooling around your lifeless body.

Some nights I dream of our wedding day, watching you walk down the aisle still causes butterflies in my stomach.

Yet when you reach me, your face is white, your eyes rolled in to the back of your head.

I wake up in a sweat, thinking it was a cruel nightmare but then reailty hits me that your no longer here

How did we go from such bliss and happiness to such a haunting nightmare.

I lay awake crying and whining for you, screaming out your name just to see you one last time.

I hope we can met on the other side soon, even if you never forgive me.

Before you say goodbye, please let me hold you one last time, let me kiss your bow shaped lips. Let me comb my fingers through your fluffy brown hair, let me tell you I love you one more time.

If you ever forgive me Kibum, I promise you that if I make you cry, you can kill me, hit me, hate me.

Although no one can hate me more then I hate my self right now. I have lost the will to live Kibum.

Remember our dreams Bummie, we was going to buy a cottage in the country side. Buy puppies and adopt a little girl and little boy.

We always talked about having children, you would have been such a perfect daddy, you promised me it would happen yet your not here now.

I wanted to grow old with you, watch our babies grow in to beautiful adults and grant us grandchildren, you got excited at that thought.

Although you did slap me when I mentioned you would have serious wrinkles and grey hair but in my eyes you would have still been so beautiful and perfect.

Remember how you kept saying we would be alble to take our children to Disneyland Florida.

I know you secretly always wished to go Bummie hehe, I would have taken you even without adopting my love.

You always told me to not be selfish if anything happened to you, to be happy and live on BUT I cannot do that anymore.

For 37 years I have been boxed in between these four grey, cold walls. Guards spying on me night and day, daily sessions with a counciller but nothing will change me.

I will only change for you Bummie, god damn it I miss you so much, every day my hearts hurts more and aches for your touch. I miss your loud laugh and sweet giggles and cute snores.

I miss our cuddles, our love making, the way our hands melted together with intertwined together. I miss the way our leg's would tangle under the blankets.

I am nothing but a selfish, cold hearted monster but I cannot ever let you go Kibum. You were all I ever wanted and you are still all I want.

I won't and cannot love another that isn't you. Nothing feels right if it is not with you, my life does not seem right without you in it.

You were my sunshine, my soul mate, best friend, lover and my husband. You trusted me with you life and look what I did.

I deserve to sit in this cell and rot away, no punishment is as bad as not having you Kibum, not punishment would be worse then hearing never forgive me and hate me.

I sit and wish I could turn back time, how I wish I had let you go out with your friends for drinks. I trusted you, so much but it was them I couldn't trust.

Your so beautiful, gorgeous, stunning, totally breath taking and I know many could never take their eyes of you. I hated that as you were for my eyes only. I hated how other men drooled over you.

I hope your happy were you are now Kibum, I hope that if you have met someone, he makes you happy and treats you like a king.

I love you so much and my heart will never stop beating for you, aching for you.

I think I love you too much Kibum but I cannot help it when your the only person in my life I treasured, loved and cherished. 

You were the only important thing in my crap life, you gave me hope and encourgament.

In return I was a cruel, cold, heartless monster and took your life without meaning too. I wish I could give it back.

I would happily trade places with you because it is me who deserves to be buried six feet deep, not you.

You had so much going for you, a life of happiness and sucsses yet I took it all away in the blink of an eye.

Oh god what have I done Kibum, baby please wait for me, don't say goodbye before I get to you, let me hold you one last time.

Let me see your beautiful smile that takes my breath away, let me see those adorable dimples one last time beautiful Bummie.

I cannot take this pain any longer, 37 years and my heart still aches for you, my soul still searching for yours.

For once Kibum, I am going to be selfish as I cannot go on, I need to see you again.

I love you my beautiful Kibummie. my beautiful husband, my angel.

Yours forever eternity even if you never love me again.
.
Jonghyun 
xoxoxoxo 3

Two days after this letter was written, Kim Jonghyun committed suicide.

He jumped of the second floor walk way, suffering the same injuries his husband suffered.

He suffered a broken skull, serious brain damange and internal bleeding. He died on the spot, it was no use trying to save him.

He needed to see Kibum again, to apologize, to say those three words again. To say goodbye if it was the end.

Death might have parted them on one side, but he wanted to be reunited on the other side.

Jonghyun won't ever stop loving Kibum, his world, the reason he left the world and join the after life.

Jonghyun just hoped Key could come to terms with the fact he was married and in love with a monster.

A/N Hello lovelies ^^

Thank you to everyone that subscribed <3

I am going to hide now O.O What have I done to Jongkey O.O

I didn't mean to cause Jongkey pain honesly ><

I hope you enjoyed this drabble lovelies ^^

Comment, Subscribe and enjoy :D

I will see you all soon :3