I held my breath for a moment, thinking of what possibly had gone wrong. Sighing loudly, I ruffled my hair out of frustration and kept on thinking of what to say without regretting everything in the end.

Will he be okay?

“I’m sorry…”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

As soon as I got home that night as my husband served dinner, I quickly went to him, without a word, I took his hand in mine as I held it gently with care and love. I looked at him, searching for his eyes as he did the same. He then smiled that beautiful smile I adored so much in my whole life which I replied with a small, bitter smile when I realized that I don’t deserve it.

He is beautiful.

“My love, I’ve got something to tell you.” I said. He averted his eyes somewhere else before smiling again, hands busied putting the food he cooked to be served to me and quietly told me to eat as it was getting cold. He then sat down and ate quietly before urging me to speak. I observed the concern in his eyes as I cleared my throat.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. Somehow, I’ve lost my voice. I took a big gulp of my saliva, nervously looking around but him. But, I really needed to tell him the truth. I had to let him know what I was thinking.

“I want a divorce” I said calmly. My eyes focused on him. He looked so relaxed. He didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, but instead, with gentle eyes of his, he asked me softly, “Why?”

I was stunned. I was speechless. I turned my head away and stayed quiet.

I obviously avoided his question which only made him kept on repeating it over and over again before he felt into a deep silence. His face scrunched up with frown and I saw the sadness, guiltiness in it. He might be blaming himself again but I couldn’t bring myself to comfort him, to tell him that all of these weren’t his fault.

Forgive me.

That night, we didn’t talk to each other. I watched him as he without a word went to bed. He was in tears. I knew deep down he was hurt, knowing his beloved husband just asked for a divorce. Who wouldn’t get hurt anyway? I sighed softly. I knew I was indeed wrong. We promised to live together till death and this happened now.

I knew he wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage, but I could hardly give him an answer. Just what should I tell him? How could I tell my husband of 5 years that I had fallen in love with someone else?

Cruel. I knew but it was the truth.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that he could own our house, our car, and 30% ownership of my company. Those were the only things I could had gave him in hope he could be happy again. I didn’t know what I supposed to do to make everything less painful for him. I knew I left a very deep scar in his heart. He loved me with all his heart but I could never returned it the same like before.

He glanced at it with a pair of soulless eyes, a crystal tear rolled down his right cheeks. He then took and tore it into pieces. I felt sorry for him. I was sorry for how he was feeling. All these times we spent together. Those lovely memories we created together but I could not take back what I had said.

I had fallen in love with Bambam, a cute looking boy who had a body like a model. He worked at my company as my personal secretary. It was nothing special at first. We were good together and Bambam was a good accompany. He was cheerful and always had things to talk about. I never get bored whenever I was with him.

We had our first dinner together, discussing about works, us and that time, I was captured with his silliness, smile and how his broken Korean was actually sounded good to me. He knew I was married and he knew my husband was a Korean guy and that was why he tried his best to impress me by learning hangul. Living in LA was actually new to him. I was surprised at how fast he fit himself in here.

I told my husband about Bambam. He cried like finally, she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To see and hear him cry was actually a bit of a release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks now seemed to be firmer and clearer now. I saw a glint of relieved in his eyes but then they were clouded by sadness and sorrow. I just let him be.

Everything would be okay.

He will be okay.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The next day, I came back home very late at night, having spent the day with Bambam was a great thing. I was all smiling as I walked inside my house and it wasn’t until I found Jinyoung sitting at the table writing something. Jinyoung didn’t say any word since that day.

And now, he was just sitting there, looking tired, not a single word escaped from his mouth. He just stayed quiet. I took a look at his face. He looked different than usual. His face looked quite pale and there were trails of water down his cheeks. I couldn’t see well. They were either sweats or tears.

I didn’t know what to say. Just what should I say anyway? Nothing. There was nothing to say. Not when everything had gone down the hill. So, I went straight to bed and fell asleep. Several hours after when I awoke, he was still there at the table, writing. Without asking any questions, I went back to bed again.

Quite honestly, I just didn’t care.

He wasn’t my responsible anymore. He can do whatever he wanted to do. Who was I to question?

I don’t love him anymore. I thought.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

In the morning he presented his divorce conditions: he didn’t want anything materialistic from me. He requested that during the next 30 days that we both work to live as normal as possible.

His reasons were simple: his younger brother had his exams in a month’s time and he didn’t want to disrupt him with news of our broken marriage. He wanted his brother to focus on his exam first before asking him to fly to LA to bring him back to Korea, saying that he needed someone by his side during his journey to Korea.

This was agreeable to me. I can endure this. Just for a month so, it was fine by me. But, he had something more. He asked me if I remembered our first anniversary day. And how I had tried to cook something for the both of us but I was at it and we ended up eating ramen as he laughed at me, saying something like he can teach me how to cook so I can be as good as him.

Jinyoung smiled as the flashback appeared in his mind. He then looked at me and requested that every day for the next month’s duration that I cook for him every morning.

“But, I can’t cook.” I reasoned. He knew it. He freaking knew it but why would he requested that.

“I’ll eat everything you cook for me. Didn’t I tell you that before?”

I was left speechless. He was so kind. But still, I thought he was going crazy. I nodded my head.   Just to make our last days together bearable, I accepted his odd request. Probably because this was nothing bad. He was just asking for some love and attention. I can do this.

I called Bambam and immediately told him about Jinyoung’s divorce conditions. He laughed it off and thought it was absurd. Bambam said that, “Jinyoung hyung will have to face the divorce no matter what tricks he was trying to use.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now, Jinyoung and I hadn’t had any body contact since the night I told him of my affair and my plans to divorce him. We slept in different rooms as we both needed our own privacy now. Sometimes, I heard sobbing from the next room and I realized it was Jinyoung. He was still not over it yet and I felt guilty but this was for the best so I just let him be.

The next morning, when I woke up, I remembered about our agreement. I have to make breakfast for him. I went to the kitchen and started cooking. It was nothing special, just some bacons, egg and sausages. I accidentally burned the tip of my fingers but it wasn’t really bad though but Jinyoung noticed it. The words left his mouth made me sad.

“I’m sorry I have let you do this. You got hurt.” Jinyoung said softly, worry written all over his face. He then lifted up my hand and brought it near his lips, kissing every tip of my fingers. It was a little a