Asleep
Asleep.“Death is a gift…”
I have lived 19 years of my life in peace and quiet. I couldn’t do much anyway because I have always been sick for those 19 years too. That made it easier for me I guess. Because then I don’t need to worry about a lot of things. I don’t need to worry about my future, or what job I would get, I don’t need to worry about who will take care of me when I get old, or who to fall in love with. But that last part came unexpectedly. It was the last thing I would like to do: love someone; but I was given a chance to do so. And I regret nothing. Not any second, minute or an hour of it; because I loved the right person. And even though I only left him nothing but pain, it was a good kind of pain. The kind that makes you feel alive. Because what is life without pain? It would be just laughs and happiness and that is only for people who are blind enough to not see reality. That suffering is a part of life and it always will be.
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If I am to think of good memories, it would be the fall of 2012. That was the first time I met him on the bus on my way home. He was always in that same exact spot, wearing the same exact earphones listening to the same exact music. I sat next to him most of the time and I bet he didn’t notice that the volume is turned up way too high that I could actually hear what he was listening to and oddly enough I know that song too. It was one of my favorites actually. But I didn’t want to bother him so I just enjoyed sitting next to him and listened to the same music over and over again.
It was not even a month when he started to notice me. And every bus ride became a very memorable one. We usually talked about music. I let him do the talking most of the time, because I don’t really have anything interesting to talk about except that I am dying. If I tell him so, he would only look at me with pity in his eyes and I wouldn’t want that because right now, he’s looking at me with such hope and his eyes glitter every time he talks about things he enjoy. I wonder if when he looks back at the memories that we made, would he have the same hopeful smile and glittering eyes as he do now?
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“I...think I love you.”
It was the way he said it. He was unsure, yet he said it anyway. I was caught off guard because it was our first date after our two months of constantly meeting in the same bus.
“I don’t think that it is a good idea to fall in love with me Jimin-ah”
“How so?” he asked almost instantly.
“There are things that you don’t know about me. Things that would hurt you badly if we go more than just friends…”
“But we’re already friends and I suppose I would still hurt anyway”
“Jimin…I have cancer…”
He froze for a second. I looked at him worriedly and my eyes started to water. Just like how the snow looked so beautiful until it hit the ground, I thought my happiness would just be as short-lived… until he gathered enough courage to talk back.
“I don’t care” was his reply and he looked at me sternly in the eye. It was a sincere look, almost as if he understood all the consequences that he would have to face. I just took a deep sigh, and for once in my life, I wanted to live. I felt alive, and I wanted to live in this moment, right now.
Despite my knowledge of the time ticking for me, I think I can say that I lived my last years happily. Everyday felt so infinite, like I did not want it to end even though most times we did nothing but listen to old records and lay down on the floor, feel the fading warmth of the last rays of sunlight, touch each other’s faces and feel each other’s skin. When I think about those memories, they were indeed the happiest days of my life.
We fell asleep next to each other, in peaceful silence, until I felt my lungs giving in. It was painful to breathe. And as much as I tried to keep it away, it wouldn’t stop. Jimin woke up to see me in such a state. He was in panic, trying so hard not to tremble just to dial the ambulance. I didn’t notice how long it has been when the ambulance finally arrived and carried me away, Jimin stayed with me until we got to the hospital. A painful realization killed me: how much pain do I have to leave him when I’m gone? Seeing him like this already made my heart hurt more than the pain that this sickness has caused me my entire life.
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Jimin’s POV:
On the December 12th of 2013, she passed. It has almost been a year now when I try and look back at it. Though the pain I feel now is not any less than what I felt a year ago, I can’t help but feel happy. Because this time, I only think about the good memories we made together. And that is enough for me to at least feel that she is still here.
I know it’s stupid…to love someone even though you know one day, they will be gone and you will have nothing but pain. I still remember what she said when we fought after I first witnessed her having an attack. It was a quiet, rainy Sunday afternoon. She was pale and her eyes barely opened.
“Jimin…it’s okay, you can leave now and rest” was what she said with her faint voice.
“No, I’m not going to leave you here” is what I replied until there was another pause of silence.
“You will miss me so bad when I’m gone Park Jimin. You’ll wish to have never known me or loved me. Your heart will break into tiny little pieces and it will be hard. Very hard to put those pieces back together. We made so much fun memories and when I’m dead, you’re going to look back at them again and realize the fact that there is no going back. Breathing would be very hard and you’ll cry your eyes out at my funeral. You will suffer an intolerable pain. All because even if you knew that I am a grenade, you still came running to catch me. Moreover, you fell in love with me. And there is nothing more that I can give you when I’m gone except pain that you will have to bear every single day of your life.”
And I knew that. And it was also the truth. But I kept pushing myself because I also know that I love her and I am willing to get hurt all over again for the same reason. I loved her then, and I love her still. She left and I was by her side when that happened. She quoted a line that is very familiar to me.
“Sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep and then leave me alone. Don’t try to wake me in the morning ‘cause I will be gone. Don’t feel bad for me, I want you to know, deep in the cell of my heart, I really want to go.”
Then I asked her, if she knew that it was my favorite song. And she replied yes, because it was her favorite as well. And I don’t know why, but a stream of tears just came running down my face because even until the end, she is still full of surprises and that is one of things that I am going to miss.
I held her hand tightly even though I know that it isn’t going to help. That even though no matter how tight I hold on to her, she’s still going to go and leave me.
And now it has been a year, but the traces of tears in my face feels just as fresh as it was during her funeral a year ago. The pain, even more painful but my love, even stronger.
-End-
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