“People love in their own ways.”

The sentence has been stuck in Hanbin’s head for a while, it was on the cover of some DVD movie. He feels this weird sort of connection with it and keeps on repeating it in his head every time he meets Jiwon’s eyes, like he’s trying to remind himself of something. He’s in the denial phase. It’s been a couple of years that he’s not sure of his own feelings. He doesn’t know what to call this thing he feels  whenever Jiwon looks at him with so much pride, or when he gives him his most sincere smile, when he makes sure Hanbin doesn’t miss his meals, when he caresses his hair whenever Hanbin’s passed out with his head on his lap.

 He had thought about it, about love, thinking maybe this was it, but he also knows that Jiwon is like family to him. So he thinks maybe love isn’t the answer. Thinks maybe he’s just confused and keeps distracting himself, hoping he’d forget whatever it is.

But when the sentence keeps messing with his head for a long time, it all finally makes sense to him.

 He doesn’t have to love Jiwon like the way he sees his mom and dad love each other. He doesn’t have to look at Jiwon like the way the couples in the movies do. He doesn’t have to hold Jiwon’s hands like every couple on the streets does.

He could love Jiwon in his own way.

He loves him like family, he makes him feel at home, but he can’t deny the desire of holding Jiwon’s hand every time their hands slightly touch, or the way he wants to hide his head in Jiwon’s neck and drown in his scent, or wanting to drag his fingers on every edge of his face.

When he finally realizes he’s in love with him, he could tell that Jiwon felt the same way from his every move. He finds it funny how he couldn’t see the obvious that was right in front of his eyes all this time, that Jiwon doesn’t look at anybody else like the way he looks at him. But thankfully not everybody can see it, only a few people who actually know him can tell the difference.

But pretty much everyone knows that the two were never just best friends, it’s obvious ‘cause they see when no one even dares to get close to a furious Hanbin, Jiwon’s the only one that can calm him. They see how a slight squeeze of Jiwon’s hand on Hanbin’s shoulders, is enough to keep him working all night long. But they pretend like they don’t see anything because they know if even one word gets out to the media, the whole group’s career is over.

They were too cautious at first, they wouldn’t even slightly touch each other unless they were in the dorms. But after some time, they realized they couldn’t go on like this, it was too unbearable so they kind of let it go. They never planned on being obvious but anybody can tell that the way Hanbin and Jiwon hold hands is different from the way Hanbin and Jinhwan do.

They rarely leave each other’s side. If you spot Hanbin, you could be sure that Jiwon’s somewhere around too.

 Like when Hanbin stays at the studio after practice, usually all the members go home around midnight except Jiwon. He either writes lyrics and helps Hanbin with the beat or just sleeps on the couch if he’s too tired. But he doesn’t leave him alone. Hanbin used to protest, telling him he needs to go home and rest but Jiwon never listened because he’s just as stubborn as him. So after a while he let him be. It’s not like he minds it, Jiwon’s presence makes him feel safe.

Or like that one time Jiwon caught an awful cold. The doctor had told him to stay home and rest for a couple of days. When the manager got him home from the clinic, Hanbin was sitting on his bed, waiting for them. He helped Jiwon change his clothes and went to the kitchen to make Jiwon some of that tea his mom had gotten for him. While he was doing his thing in the kitchen, the boys had already gotten ready and were putting on their shoes at the door.

“Hanbin come on we’re gonna be late” their manager was running out of patience, he had been waiting for them for too long. The boys started chuckling. He was so clueless. Then he turned to the boys “What? Why are you laughing?”

“Hanbin isn’t gonna come hyung. “ Jinhwan said with a teasing tone and a smile on his face. The manager had just realized what was going on, of course Hanbin wasn’t coming.

Even though they get to share the same dream and do what they love together, overall, it’s really hard on them. They can never go on dates together, they can’t hold hands on the sidewalk, they can’t kiss each other around people and they can’t tell everyone how much they love each other.

 But the worst of all is when they have to pretend to be with someone they don’t love. It was all Hanbin’s idea. He told Jiwon they had to do this to seem normal, to seem like every other idol out there. It’s just a show for the media, to distract them from finding out the truth. Because in the Korean industry, getting into a couple of dating scandals with girls, is way better than a scandal for being in love with your group member. Korea doesn’t accept it. So every once in a while, they get into ‘relationships’ to keep the media busy because they can’t risk anything. They can’t let the group’s hard work go to waste just because they weren’t careful enough.

But when Hanbin sees the headlines, even though it was his own idea and he knows it’s not real, but he still wishes he was the one kissing Jiwon in the picture, not his pretty ‘girlfriend’.

                                                                                _______

“Hyung come on the car’s waiting.” Donghyuk says while pushing Hanbin to walk faster.

“Where’s bobby?” Yunhyeong asks him, pretty surprised not to see Jiwon.

“He’s not coming, he said he wants to get some rest” Hanbin says, still being pushed by Donghyuk.

“Is he okay?” they find it odd because Jiwon’s always up for going out when they’re in other countries.

“I think so. Come on the guys are waiting”

They’re in London for their world tour. It’s the last city in Europe and after one more show in Seoul, the tour ends and they’re probably gonna go on a long break. It’s been about ten years since their debut. Even though they’re in their late twenties now but nothing has really changed. They’re all still the same boys that followed their dreams together, they just look more mature. Of course they’ve been through lots of struggles through the years, struggles that made them into adults. But they’re still kids at heart.

They always try to explore the cities they visit as much as their time lets them and luckily, they had arrived here a couple of days early to have some free time for themselves. They’ve been exhausted due to the tour taking long but it’s not their first one and they’re used to the physical exhaustion. As for their mental condition, there’s nothing to worry about as long as they all have each other and get to feel loved by their fans in every show.

But Hanbin has noticed Jiwon turning more quiet than usual. In the past couple of weeks, he sees how he zones out a lot, just staring at thin air, how his beautiful smile doesn’t appear as much as before, how he can’t really sleep at nights. Maybe he’s just tired but Hanbin’s not sure. He wanted to ask him, but they haven’t had much alone time lately and to be honest he’s afraid of Jiwon’s answer, afraid of what he might hear so he saves it for another time.

They find a little bakery near the hotel and decide to order something and sit there for a while. How Hanbin wishes Jiwon was there because he would have loved it. It’s warm and sweet, cozy and safe. Just like Jiwon. He takes a few pictures of the place to show him later tonight. He thinks maybe they’d come here tomorrow, just the two of them.

 Jiwon’s just like a kid. Small things like snacks and sweets could change his mood entirely. So Hanbin gets a few muffins and different kinds of cake for him, thinking maybe this would cheer him up.

Being with Jiwon is pretty similar to taking care of a little boy. But he has nothing to complain about. He loves every second of being with him.

 When he gets in their hotel room, the balcony’s door is open and he can see Jiwon leaning on the railing. He gets closer and notices Jiwon’s ribs showing through his shirt and that’s when he realizes how much skinnier he’s gotten. He still has his muscles but it’s nothing compared to before. It’s like he’s been drained. He blames himself for not noticing earlier.

“I’m back” he wraps his arm around Jiwon’s waist and places his chin on his shoulder. Jiwon’s body is warm despite the cold breeze coming their way. He quickly holds Hanbin’s hand with one hand and that’s when Hanbin sees the lightened cigarette in his other hand.

“Hey” Jiwon’s voice sounds hoarse, like always but just weaker.

“Haven’t seen one of those in your hand for a long time” he says and keeps caressing Jiwon’s hand. Jiwon only smokes whenever he feels tense, it helps him calm down, and the last time he smoked was years ago so Hanbin’s more worried now, thinking that he must be having a really hard time.

“Yeah” he puts it between his lips and inhales it for the last time before throwing it away. Even though Hanbin never said a word, but Jiwon knows he hates it.

He snuggles his face into Jiwon’s neck, lost in his scent and after a few moments, he finally gets the courage to ask him.

“So when are you planning on telling me about whatever’s been eating you like this?”

Jiwon’s body stiffens a bit in his hold, he brings Hanbin’s hands up to brush his lips against his soft skin while Hanbin’s heart is jumping out of place. He’s scared, scared of what Jiwon might say but seeing him like this is ruining him too so he just wishes Jiwon would let it all out. He wants him to know he’s here for him, that he’s not alone.

After a few seconds of silence, that feels like an hour to Hanbin, Jiwon turns around.

“So where did you guys go? Did you have fun?”

Hanbin knows exactly what Jiwon’s doing, he can see it in his eyes, he can see that he’s not ready to talk yet. He sees how he’s begging him with his eyes to wait a bit, just a little bit more and he’ll tell him everything.

So he doesn’t push it.

“Yeah it was fun, we went to this cozy little bakery, Jiwon I swear you’re gonna love it. We also found this vintage store. It had so many precious things I wanted to get them all. I’ll go back there tomorrow to buy some things. Come on, let’s go inside I got you some delicious stuff”

He makes Jiwon sit down and puts the box on the table while still standing.

“Okay so there were lots of flavors but it was pretty crowded there, so I got as many as I could. I got this strawberry shortcake, maple mixed berry, and this chocolate chunk is amazing I already tried it and let me te-“

 Jiwon suddenly pulls him down on his lap, holding him. He looks him in the eyes, and Jiwon’s eyes seem darker than usual. Hanbin can see the pain in them. He can always see through his eyes but he just can’t figure out what’s been bothering him lately. Or maybe Hanbin already knows, just doesn’t want to accept it.

“I love you” then Jiwon kisses his lips. Hanbin didn’t even know how much he needed to hear those words again. Jiwon’s just thankful for how Hanbin understands and doesn’t rush him to talk, even though he knows that Hanbin is also suffering with him.

“Let’s go to the bakery tomorrow, just the two of us. I wanna take you to that vintage store too. I’m sure we’ll find more interesting places together. Come on we have to use the chance we’ve got, I mean when can we go out together like this in Seoul?” he says while running his fingers through Jiwon’s hair and caressing it.

 His small actions, always seem to ease Jiwon.

 “Okay that sounds good. It’s a date then.” And Hanbin can see Jiwon’s smile again after so long and tells himself that he’d do anything to keep it on that face forever.

                                                                            -----------------

After the world tour ended, the company gave them a break so they all went on vacations. Of course the couple decided to go somewhere no one would recognize them, they wanted to be free, so they went to San Francisco. Jiwon got a place there a few years back. They decide to stay there, so they could just relax.

Jiwon still hasn’t talked to Hanbin about what’s going on in his mind, not that he doesn’t want to. He hates bothering Hanbin like this but he knows it’s not the time yet.

He wants them both to enjoy their break together so he clears his mind and gets everything else out of his head. He only pays attention to Hanbin.

Hanbin can see how much calmer Jiwon gets and feels a bit relieved. They haven’t had much private time in so long so they really appreciate the couple of weeks they have ahead of them.

Jiwon smiles more often now, just like before. He’s really happy to spend time with hanbin like this, to go out on dates with him, to not worry about someone watching them. They’re not completely careless but of course, they’re not as cautious as they normally are. But sadly they can’t stay there forever.

The day after they get back, the company calls all of them in. They tell them that their contract is expiring in less than a month and they would like to renew it.

“You have a month. You can think of it as a break or time for deciding.”

The words start to get to Jiwon. He really didn’t need this at the moment. He had been trying to calm himself for a while and when he’s told he should make a decision for his life right now, it irritates him. He’s not even sure if the choices he’s made so far were right. He’s never felt this insecure in his life.

Once they get out of the meeting room, Jiwon starts panicking and runs down the stairs. He tries to control himself but everything he had tried to get out of his head is coming back to him. He’s feeling all the pressure again and finds it hard to breathe so he gets out of there as fast as he can.

Hanbin notices and starts calling his name but Jiwon doesn’t turn around and keeps going. He runs away, just like how he had been doing it for the past few months, running away from his thoughts, from his insecurities, from making decisions, from Hanbin. He doesn’t know what else to do.

Hanbin runs after him and right when Jiwon opens the door of his car, he catches him.

“What the is going on?”

Jiwon’s face is red like someone’s been strangling him. He’s not even breathing properly.

“Hanbin please”

“No! I’m not letting this slide again! Look at you, you’re destroying yourself! You’re supposed to tell me when you’re having a hard time! I’ve been right here all along waiting for you to talk to me but you pretend like there’s nothing to talk about! I feel so useless whenever I see you like this! Please just stop this! ” he doesn’t realize how loud he is until he can feel the passengers’ stares across the street.

Hanbin tells jiwon to get in the car and he drives to their dorm. He doesn’t talk in the car to let jiwon calm himself a bit. When they get in the living room, jiwon sits on the couch and hanbin gets him some water to calm him down.

“Please talk to me. Whatever it is you have to get it out. I’m Hanbin, your Hanbin. I’m not a stranger” he stands in front of him.

“Of course you’re not”

“Then stop treating me like one. Just tell me, what is it? What’s been killing you like this?”

“It’s just….I…I ca….”

And Hanbin sees the tears coming from jiwon’s eyes. He doesn’t even remember the last time he saw him crying, it was a long time ago. He wipes jiwon’s tears with his hand. They just keep on coming. With every tear he sees, he feels himself die a little inside. He’s crying like a baby.

 “It’s okay baby, you can tell me.” He squats down in front of him and caresses his face.

“I just.…. I just can’t play this game anymore….. I’m tired of this. I’ve been keeping this to myself because I see how you work so hard, I see how strong jyou are, I just didn’t want to disappoint you. I’m sorry I’m not as strong as you, I just can’t take it anymore. How many more years do we have to hide this? How many more ‘girlfriends’ do we have to get? Isn’t it enough already? Aren’t you tired of this?” he looks up at Hanbin.

These were the words Hanbin was afraid to hear. This is exactly what he’s been afraid of.

“I’m not 19, I don’t find playing games with the media fun anymore. I want to hold my boyfriend without worrying about someone seeing us. I want to tell everyone that you’re the one I love instead of having my picture in the papers with some girl I don’t even care about. I want to stop lying. Every time I see those pictures of you with your ‘girlfriends’, or see people trying to flirt with you right in front of my eyes, my chest hurts because you are mine only and I’m yours. But I can’t tell them to off because I’m supposed to act as your best friend, not your lover.”

Hanbin gets frustrated because all the things Jiwon‘s felt, he’s felt them too but he’s always tried to push those thoughts away, so he could focus more on the team. He had to. He was the leader after all and found himself responsible for everything.

“You know how passionate I was about my job but now….. Signing this contract, doesn’t just mean another 5 years working under YG. It means another 5 years of hiding how much I love you, of lying to everyone, of faking relationships, of being your best friend not your boyfriend and I don’t think I can do this again.”

 Hanbin can see the desperate look in his eyes. He wants to say something but he’s somehow afraid to talk. He’s afraid of saying the wrong words. He just feels sorry that Jiwon had to keep all of it in for all this time. He wishes he had told him before it started to ruin him like this.

“You told me we can’t be selfish, that we have to consider the whole group and I understand but hanbin I’m so tired of considering everyone but myself. I want to be selfish for once. Please let me be selfish this time.”

 He holds Hanbin’s hands tight and literally begs him with his eyes.

”What do you want me to do?”

“Let me take a break. Let me not sign it”

“You’re telling me you want to quit?”

“I’m telling you I need time. It can be a year, or five, or forever. I just need time to figure out if I still want to keep going. I’ve chased my dreams for 10 years and I’ve reached it. But my dream has changed now. You’re what matters to me” he takes a big breath and locks his fingers with Hanbin’s and starts playing with them. “If this was just about me, I wouldn’t hide anything, I’d kiss you in front of the cameras, I would let them destroy me. But I have six other people’s careers in my hands. So the most selfish I can get is to take a break from playing this game. Because it seems like the only one getting hurt between all of this is me“ He gives out a bitter smile. He sees the anxiety in Hanbin’s face. He looks at his eyes and knows the question that’s running in his mind.

“Hanbin I know what your job means to you. I know you are not yourself without it. I’m not that selfish to take it away from you. So no, this doesn’t mean you have to the same thing…..If you asked me ten years ago if I thought I’d be doubting my dreams like this, I would have said no. But now it feels like the right thing to do. Seems like I love you too much to keep going like this.”

This time, Hanbin’s the one crying. He feels frustrated. He loves Jiwon just as much so why can’t he tell him he’ll do the same? Jiwon’s letting go of his dreams because of him so why can’t he do it too? He feels awful, like he doesn’t deserve him.

“But I love you too” He doesn’t say it just to make Jiwon feel good, he means it.

“I know you do.” Jiwon wipes his tears with small kisses on his face and Hanbin gets himself in his arms. He doesn’t want to let him go. He feels like this is the end, the end of their journey together and he blames himself for not paying enough attention to Jiwon’s feelings. But he has no idea how wrong he is. This is a new beginning for them, a beginning of something sensational because Jiwon’s never gonna leave him.

He just can’t.

He's gonna be fine as long as he has Hanbin.