Junhoe has always hated hospitals.

To him, it’s loneliness and depression morphed into one building. An angsty-like place with its confined white, dull walls that somehow drains your sanity bit by bit.

And he knows that better than anyone—he has stayed in a hospital for more than three months now.

He’s not sure why he’s here. He just remembers blacking out and his left arm is hurting like hell.

“You fell down the stairs, you’re really clumsy, you know,” Jinhwan (sweet, beautiful Jinhwan) simply says to him when he asked about it but Junhoe can sense he was lying. Jinhwan is good—great even—at acting but not so much at covering the truth.

Junhoe stays quiet, though.

No one visits him.

Not his family.

Not his friends.

Not even the doctors and nurses.

But maybe that’s because he’s asleep during the day and awake at night. Nocturnal, was it? He thinks it’s odd, though.

×××

“Koalas are nocturnal. So it’s a totally regular thing, okay,” Jinhwan gives a reassuring smile to Junhoe and then proceeds to bury his head in the book he was reading.

Junhoe rolls his eyes. “What do koalas and I have in common?”

The older touches his chin and hum, pretending to think deeply. “You’re both… cute?”

Junhoe laughs, leans over and presses a kiss on the other’s lips. He tastes like chocolate and something else. Something that tastes like empty promises and bittersweet endings.

It’s addicting.

×××

Kim Jinhwan. Jinhwan. Jinan. Jinnanie. His boyfriend for more than three years.

He was perfect in every way. His face and body are both utterly breathtaking—as if the goddess Aphrodite had sculpted him with her own bare hands. His voice is beautiful, soft and gentle like the feathery kisses he gives Junhoe every night. He has a heart-shaped mole below his right eye and Junhoe feels like kissing it every time he visits him—and he does just that.

The thing about Jinhwan that irks him was the fact that he only visits him at night. Truth is, Junhoe becomes nocturnal because of Jinhwan and his habit of popping in the middle of the night to the point Junhoe can’t sleep and will only rest during the day.

It’s not that he thinks it’s creepy. It is, actually—imagine your boyfriend visiting you after hours. But it’s Jinhwan, his mind protested. He probably sneaks pass the guards every night.

×××

“Hey,” Junhoe flinches but relaxes the second after he recognizes the owner of the voice. Jinhwan is smiling but there’s something off about his smile. Like it has always been for the past three months.

“Close the door, it’s ing freezing.”

“Actually, I want to do something different tonight.”

Junhoe looks at him, face swimming in pure confusion. “What?”

“Let’s go out.”

Junhoe pauses before raising an eyebrow at his boyfriend. “You dumb . We’ll get in trouble.”

“No. No, we won’t,” Jinhwan shakes his head. “Trust me.”

“Give me a reason to actually trust you,” Junhoe jokes, trying to hold in a laugh.

Jinhwan clutches his heart dramatically. “That hurts my heart! Meanie.”

“But you love me,” Junhoe sticks out his tongue as the older makes his way to the side of his bed.

“Yeah, I do,” Jinhwan kisses his forehead. “C’mon, aren’t you tired of this room? I’m not even the one staying here and yet, it’s so stuffy for me.”

The younger snickers. “Okay, but where do we go though? If you haven’t noticed, it’s almost midnight.”

“That’s the fun part! Magical things happen during midnights,” Jinhwan emphasizes his statement with jazz hands. The younger glares at him and he clicks his tongue in defeat. “If you’re that worried, I just want to go the park nearby. It’s been renovated last month and I want you to see it.”

“Why now, though? Why not during the day?”

Jinhwan doesn’t answer and the tension is so thick, Junhoe swears he could cut it with a knife.

“Maybe that’s because you’re a heavy sleeper during the day?”

Junhoe sighs. “Touché.”

“So you comin’ or what?”

“Yeah, yeah. Help me up.”

×××

Going out of the hospital feels so foreign for Junhoe. He walks in baby steps while Jinhwan is skipping and twirling in pure harmony like everything is perfect—but Junhoe has a feeling it’s not. He knows it’s not.

“What are you giggly about?”

“Nothing,” the older says but lets out another giggle nonetheless. “Ah, it’s just so funny the security doesn’t even notice us passing him.”

“That’s because he was busy shoving donuts in his mouth.”

Jinhwan laughs louder, filling the quiet night. Junhoe links his right hand with Jinhwan’s left and he doesn’t think twice before leaning in to give a kiss.

“I love your laugh,” he could see the visible blush on the older’s cheek. “I love you.”

×××

They found a spot to lay down and they watch the starry night sky. It’s cold so Jinhwan snuggles closer to Junhoe, careful not to hurt his already injured arm.

“How are you?”

“Fine, I guess.”

It’s always starts out like this. From ‘How are you?’s to almost empty conversations about anything. It could be about the stars and planets or it could be about school and Neko Atsume.

But tonight, it’s unusually quiet and Junhoe doesn’t like it one bit.

“So how’s the band?” he breaks the ice. Jinhwan widens his eyes in surprise.

For the first time in three months, Junhoe asks about the band. They were in a band—seven of them—called iKON before he was charged in the hospital for ‘falling down the stairs’.

Jinhwan hesitates before answering and Junhoe can feel a lie coming up. “It’s… they’re doing well. Great! Bobby crashed the drum sets today by accident though.”

“Really?” Junhoe hums in fake amusement. “Bobby’s sure is clumsy.”

“Like you.”

It’s silent again until Junhoe swallows the lump in his throat and asks what was bugging his mind for more than three months now.

“Why don’t they ever visit me?”

“They’re busy,” Jinhwan answers quickly as if he’s practised it. He probably did. “You should know that.”

“Too busy to visit their best friend?”

The words came out too harsh and Junhoe almost regrets it the millisecond after. Almost.

“I’m sorry,” he starts but the older cuts him off with a sincere smile.

“It’s okay. You’re stressed and too tired.”

 “Why… why do you visit me? Aren’t you busy as well?” Junhoe the other’s hair.

Jinhwan is a little startled by the question. “I always make time for you.”

“Yeah, every night after visiting hours are over. I don’t even know how the security still doesn’t notice it.”

“I’m just a little sneaky.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Jinhwan falls into Junhoe’s lap but Junhoe knows he’s doing this just to avoid another conversation.

The younger is busy staring at the other, taking in how mesmerizing he is until Jinhwan opens his eyes slightly. “You’re getting discharged tomorrow,” It’s more of a statement than a question.

“Mhm.”

“I’m glad.”

“You don’t seem happy about it.”

“I am,” Jinhwan smiles bitterly. “You’re finally going to be free from that hospital.”

He doesn’t notice he’s crying until Junhoe wipes his tears away. He kisses him gently and holds him tighter.

“I’m sorry for making you cry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

After a while, they’re walking back to Junhoe’s room and it’s already 2:39 AM. They have another light conversation and Jinhwan waves goodbye but the overwhelming guilt in his stomach almost makes him fall to the ground.

(And he does, after walking out the door and closing it.)

×××

The next morning, Junhoe wakes up and he doesn’t even know why but he’s crying.

His mother who was on the couch bolts right up to see her son being a crying mess and doesn’t even waste another second to run across the room and tightly hug him.

“M-Mom?”

“You’re awake. You’re awake. You’re awake,” she repeats it over and over like a mantra. Junhoe is taken aback to see his mother for the first time in three months but at the same time, he never felt so relieved. “Oh God, I’ve missed you.”

All throughout the morning, doctors and nurses has been checking up on him and asking questions. It’s so odd because no one ever visits him.

It’s always Jinhwan. Only Jinhwan.

When his band barges in his room, he’s never been more thankful because they’re here, they still remember and they care when Junhoe thought they didn’t.

It’s all ‘How you feeling’s and ‘I’m glad you’re awake’s until he asks a question that makes the loud room quiet down to a sickening silent.

“Why didn’t you guys ever visit me?”

No one answers. They glance at each other before Hanbin spoke. “We did. You weren’t just awake,” he almost whispers the last word.

“I’m nocturnal,” Junhoe glares at them. “You know, sleeping during the day, active at night? And yet, you guys never visit me during the night. The only person who did was Jinhwan.”

Everyone gasps and Yunhyeong had to leave the room because he started crying at the mention of his best friend.

“Junhoe—” Donghyuk starts and Bobby continues.

“—you were in a coma for three months—”

Chanwoo ends it, breaking the suspense. “And Jinhwan died.”

Junhoe frowns bitterly and he grips his sheets until it hits him, giving him a throbbing headache as he takes in the realization.

They were all involved in a car accident on their way to their next gig, causing multiple injuries including Donghyuk’s scar on his face, Yunhyeong’s leg cast and the reason why his arm hurts so damn much.

But it hurts him even more to realize that Jinhwan’s gone and the reason why Jinhwan was even more silent last night.

It was their last night of ever contacting each other again.

And Jinhwan knew, he ing knew once Junhoe is awake from his coma, he’s gone from his life forever.

Junhoe cries and everyone joins in. He’s screaming Jinhwan’s name and his voice is cracking but he knows that won’t bring Jinhwan back.

Nothing will.

×××

“Junhoe… what if I say you’re just dreaming and I’m not really here?” Jinhwan barely whispers but the younger hears him.

“Then I think,” there’s a pause, “I think I’ve lost my mind. But I haven’t lost my mind, right?”

“I think I’m about to.”

“Why is that?”

“Because I love you,” Jinhwan’s smile disappears and he’s on the verge of crying again.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I just missed you.”

“I’m right here, Jinnanie,” the older’s breath hitches at the nickname and a small smile makes way to his face. “I’ll always be here.”

Jinhwan gets up and checks his wristwatch. “I have to go. Good night.”

“Good… night.”

Once Jinhwan is out the door, he slumps against the door. “You’ll always be here,” he’s sobbing and he hopes Junhoe doesn’t hear him, “but I won’t.”

a/n: YA’LL IT FEELS SO GOOD TO WRITE ANGST AGAIN LMAO

also yay to my first ikon fanfic!!

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re-edited on 30/05/16

what is it with me and angst and character death