Pt.4: Coasting

Smoke and Peppermint

Pt.4: Coasting

 

1 week of Cold Turkey

 

It was getting a bit colder lately. Seulgi could see each breath that left her lips, tiny clouds that only lasted for milliseconds. Her teeth chattered and shivers ran up her spine from the slight breeze that passed through her. Then, an all too familiar smokey treat is offered to her by the girl at her side. With her brows wrinkled together, she looks at the other full of skepticism. And yet, the latter smiles ever so innocently, playing off whatever hidden evil intentions she had. This much, Seulgi was certain.

 

“No thanks,” Seulgi declines, waving the stick away and inwardly smiling at herself, feeling proud. This time her refusal sounded a lot more convincing.

 

“You really don’t want one?” Irene sings, enjoying herself too much like the sadist she is.

 

Like a child, she waved the cigarette around as if it were a wand, pretending to be some kind of wizard conjuring spells into the air. Seulgi was just surprised at how long Irene was able to hold the darn thing considering the hate she harbored for it.

 

“No, I’m good,” Seulgi reaffirms. One week without a single cigarette. One week of almost no sleep. One week of hard work, preservation, and unbelievable determination--she’d be damned if she gave in now.

 

“I’m offering, so it’s fine,” Irene continues her persuasion tactics, sliding the cigarette right underneath Seulgi’s nose, so close that it nearly touched her upper lip.“I won’t reprimand you for it.”

 

Crap.

 

There’s a hard lump in . Temptation. And she could practically feel her lungs shrivel and compress with that painful but soothing burn upon each inhale and exhale of smoke--Stop.

 

“And I’m telling you, I don’t want one,” Seulgi quickly blurts out as she backs away from Irene a few inches.

 

That was too close.

 

But Seulgi forgot that Irene is the devil and giving up is something she doesn’t know how to do.

 

“You’re not the least bit tempted?”

 

Seulgi bites her cheek and makes the mistake of stealing a glance at the cig Irene insisted on holding onto.

 

“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t,” Seulgi admits, her lips and she can feel drying out.

 

She takes a deep breath in an attempt to calm herself. Rational thinking. Stay rational. Stay strong.

 

“So have one.”

 

Don’t give in.

 

“No.”

 

“Are you sure?”

 

You don’t need it.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Are you positively sure?”

 

Positive.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Are you--”

 

God!

 

“Irene!” Seulgi cuts her off with evident frustration in her voice. “How many times do I have to say yes before you finally believe me?”

 

A playful, devious smirk spreads across Irene’s lips as she finally hides Seulgi’s source of despair within a little ziplock bag and then somewhere within her purse. A wave of ease washes over Seulgi, feeling relieved and back in control with the cigarette tucked away. As they say, out of sight, out of mind.  

 

“Just once. I believed you the first time. I just really liked the look on your face,” Irene laughs.

 

Seulgi’s shoulders sink from the confession and she shakes her head, “I knew you were a sadist.”

 

She swears Irene would be the death of her before anything else. But Seulgi admits that after a while now, being in her company was fun--somewhat. And although Irene could be very annoying, pushy, and a very painful thorn in her side that just wouldn’t leave her alone, strangely enough, Seulgi found her presence reassuring. For some odd reason.    

 

“So, how was work?” Irene asks as they arrive at the bus stop waiting with a few strangers for their ride home.

 

Seulgi rolls her neck as the past nine hours flash through her mind. Nine hours of huddling in front of her computer screen, filling out paperwork, making phone calls and thumping the back of her head against her office chair every so often to beat back the awful dryness in that crept up. Another work day that felt like it would never end. Who knew one week of cold turkey and mundane work tasks could be so utterly agonizing?

 

“Uneventful,” Seulgi carefully replies. “You?”

 

Irene lightly scratches her right cheek as she looks up to the sky in thought.

 

“Actually, it was rather exciting,” Irene says enthusiastically in contrast to Seulgi’s answer.

 

And the latter wonders just what it is that made Irene’s eyes sparkle like stars twinkling in the night sky. Whatever it was, teasing such genuine excitement was an opportunity Seulgi didn’t dare miss.

 

“Exciting as in someone got ran over or pushed down the stairs and you laughed maniacally at them--OW!”

 

Seulgi clutches her side and starts to laugh a bit. Pretty good punch.

 

“That’s horrible!” Irene blurts out, causing a few heads to turn their way. “I’m not crazy!”

 

“But you don’t deny being a sadist, right?” the smoker arches a brow, her voice full of playfulness. Irene, of course, held nothing but a scowl on her face.

 

Another jab right at her ribs and she stumbles a bit, blurting in a mixture of laughter and pain,“OW! Actions speak louder than words, Irene--”

 

The other girl readies her purse like a club ready to strike and Seulgi throws her hands up in surrender afraid she may get just what she was asking for.

 

“Okay, I’ll shut up!”

 

Irene shakes her head.

 

“Uh-uh. You’re not getting off that easy, Kang Seulgi!”

 

And Irene takes a whack at her anyway. Once, twice, five times. All of them landing in succession. Seulgi tries her best to avoid each swing but Irene has such pinpoint accuracy it’s unbelievable. Soon, they’re running around in circles in a game of cat and mouse that has Seulgi panting and snickering at how determined Irene was in trying to knock her out. But as soon as the bus arrives Seulgi sees her chance for escape and books it past everyone else towards the door.

 

“Excuse me!”

 

And right behind her the cat is still giving chase.

 

“I’m not done with you, Kang Seulgi!”

 
 

//

 
 

Early morning, Seulgi wakes, peeling the blankets from her body and when she rises, slits of sunlight cutting through her blinds make her wince. She blinks, readjusts, and heads for the bathroom. A thorough self-examination in the mirror shows she’s not doing half-bad. No extreme redness in her eyes. Her body doesn’t ache.

 

Normal enough, at the very least.

 

But her cheeks--she pinches them. They look ghastly--deep and hollow. They were becoming severely thin.

 

Since when?

 

Her fingers reach for the bags under her eyes, lightly pressing them and pondering on how they became that way as well. Suddenly, she’s overly conscious and does another examination. Seulgi leans over the sink getting as close to the mirror as possible as opens wide, giving a loud “ahhh”. And there’s a sense of relief when her teeth don’t look out of the ordinary, same for her gums. The only thing that stuck out was how rancid her breath smelled even for morning breath.

 

How did this not bother her before?

 

And Seulgi remembers that she was too caught up in a dream of smoke and ash to even care. With clarity starting to return bit by bit in her struggle, she understands.

 

This wasn’t because she stopped smoking--smoking is what caused it. She did this to herself. Only now did she start to truly see the effects of the pleasure that she craved.

 

Seulgi strips down and steps into the shower continuing her morning routine. An hour later, she’s prepped and ready to head out so she slips on her shoes and grabs her keys. But before she’s out the door, Seulgi grabs the marker on the counter, bites the cap off, and draws an X on yesterday’s date and marks it with a number. A little motivation to start off the day.

 

She smiles, “Nine days down.”

 
 

//

 
 

“Arms up!”

 

Seulgi raises her arms resembling the shape of a human cross as Irene pats down her sides as if they were going through airport security. The smoker tries to keep a straight face but to her dismay, Irene’s wandering hands causes her body to flare and her cheeks to burn. Her brows knit tightly together as she struggles to maintain composure.

 

The whole thing was ridiculous anyway.

 

She swears that every car that’s passed by the bus station this morning has glanced their way, giving them odd looks. It was embarrassing but Irene always insisted and without fail, Seulgi always complied even with her fair share of complaints.

 

“You still don’t trust me?” Seulgi questions when she feels Irene dig through her coat pockets for any possible hidden cancer sticks.

 

“Maybe,” Irene says, wearing a cheshire grin.

 

She circles around Seulgi like a bloodhound. Extremely wary and attentive. Irene’s nose twitches and she takes deep wiffs every few seconds all around her, seeking out that oh-so-wonderful smell Seulgi knows she loves.

 

“You’re clear.”

 

Immediately, Seulgi’s arms fall to her sides.

 

“See. I told you. I haven’t smoked at all in the past nine days.”

 

A fact Seulgi was very proud of.

 

“I know. I can tell. But you still stink so I have to double check,” Irene scowls and her nostrils twitch. “I swear that stench is stuck to you like glue.”

 

In response, Seulgi grabs the front of her collar to sniff but she can’t understand what Irene was talking about. Perhaps she was too accustomed to the scent to even tell.

 

“Is it really that bad?”

 

“Yes,” Irene immediately responds, Seulgi’s question barely leaving the tip of her tongue.

 

“Ouch. Couldn’t you have been a little more subtle?“

 

“Not my style.”

 

Of course not.

 

Seulgi definitely knew that by now through many first hand experiences which she’d rather not remember at the moment.

 

But...

 

I swear that stench is stuck to you like glue.

 

Irene’s words echo in her mind.

 

And she begins to wonder if this scent would be a part of her forever. Smoke so buried deep within the fibers of her clothing and polluting her skin, becoming permanent. It couldn’t possibly, right? Eventually, it’ll fade just like this addiction. If this addiction really will fade.

 

The grip on her collar tightens and she thumbs the top button in thought. Doubt arises, creeping over her shoulder, whispering in her ear. Can she really do it? She’s been successful so far but can she keep it up? Or will she be like so many other victims caught in the cycle, letting go, caving in, letting go, caving in--spiraling deeper and deeper every time until there’s no way out…

 

Nine days, she repeats to herself. It’s no small feat. She’s gotten this far and she can keep on going. She knows it. This time would be the last time.

 

It has to be.

 

“Hello?! Earth to Seulgi!”

 

She stirs at the sound of her name.

 

“Huh?”

 

A mocking grin surfaces upon Irene’s lips, “You didn’t hear a word I said, did you?”

 

“Maybe--ow!” Irene’s punching habit was becoming more frequent. “You know, one day, I might hit you back.”

 

But the threat is so weak and transparent, Irene barely paid it any mind as she waved her hand in the air as if to deflect her words.

 

“Sure, whatever,” she mocks. ”I was asking if you had any plans this weekend?”

 

“No, not really. Why?”

 

The bus pulls into view and Irene simply shrugs as she walks towards it, “Nothing. I was just curious.”

 

Her brief and disinterested answer leaves Seulgi frowning in confusion.

 
 

//

 
 

“Why?” is the first word that comes out of Seulgi’s mouth.

 

“Why, what?” the other asks back, batting her eyelashes as if her being there was normal.

 

“Why are you here?” Seulgi elaborates and her attention wanders to the humongous duffle bag lying at her feet. “What the heck is all that? Why—Hey don’t just come in uninvited!”

 

But as usual, her words fall on selectively deaf ears.

 

“You talk a lot--God, it stinks in here,” Irene exclaims as her face scrunches in discomfort.

 

Seulgi heaves a long sigh at the girl standing in the middle of her apartment now and she watches her roam about, curiously examining her living space. The uncleanliness earning obvious disapproval from Irene.

 

“Irene,” Seulgi finally speaks up, interrupting Irene’s inspection. ”It’s Saturday.”

 

And the latter doesn’t bother to even look her way as she runs a finger along the top of Seulgi’s lamp, smearing dust upon her fingertip. “Your point?”

 

“We don’t see each other on Saturday’s,” Seulgi reminds her, pointing towards the open door hoping Irene would get the hint. Because as much as she loved Irene’s company, seeing her five times a week was already too much. Start throwing in the weekends too and Seulgi might not survive hanging around the sadist.

 

Don’t get her wrong, Seulgi was indeed starting to like Irene’s company. Irene could be fun to be around, she was supportive in helping Seulgi to quit smoking, she was nice to talk to most of the time, but God--sometimes, more often than not, she was overwhelming. And Seulgi used these weekends as time away, just for herself, to relax and recharge from all forms of stress over the week--including Irene.

 

“Today’s an exception. After all,” Irene turns back and smiles, “you’re free this entire weekend, aren’t you?”

 

Crap. And Seulgi remembers the afternoon Irene had asked her. Another lesson to learn: be careful of what kind of information you divulge to Irene. Everything is relevant and will be used against you.

 

Seulgi can feel her neck starting to ache in annoyance, “Please don’t tell me you’re planning to do anything crazy.”

 

“Of course not,” Irene answers and she does that unusual habit of hers where she smiles a little too mischievously and raises her right eyebrow, trying to stop herself from acting so giddy. She was practically lying through her teeth.

 

“It’s so hard to believe you.”

 

As if offended, Irene rolls her eyes as she crosses her arms after flipping her hair to the side like a true diva.

 

“You know, most people would kill to spend their weekend with me?”

 

“I guess I’m not like ‘most’ people--ow!” Within a split second Irene’s closed the distance between them and gives her a hard slap on the shoulder. Seulgi winces upon the impact, staggering back a few steps wondering, on average, how many times Irene hits her every week. “You know, you’re getting a lot more violent lately!”

 

“Whatever, I know you’re secretly happy to see me. Otherwise, you would’ve kicked me out by now,” Irene glances towards the still open door. “Or were you just about to do that?”

 

Seulgi opens to object, to say that was her full intention, yet nothing but a puff of air comes out and a small croak from the back of . That moment of hesitation to speak proves Irene right and the victory is hers--her crowning smile shows it. The younger could only bite her lip and shake her head as she gives the door a small push, letting it shut on its own.

 

There goes her Saturday.

 

Irene gives herself a small round of applause for her triumph causing Seulgi to roll her eyes, “So what’s in the bag?”

 

And with a quick flick of the wrist and a sinister smile splayed upon her lips, Irene s the bag revealing its contents. An unusual mix of items Seulgi would’ve never guessed were in there. Laundry detergent, softener, air fresheners from what she could see, all in bulk and stuffed within.

 

“Ta-da!” Irene chimes with a small hop at the great unveiling. Seulgi could only stare with open wide. “Your whole apartment stinks, your furniture, your clothes--you. Sooooo, today we’re going to kill that awful stench for good.”

 

Irene rummages through the bag and arms herself with fabric softener in one hand and detergent in the other.

 

“Get ready to start smelling like lavender!”

 

Seulgi continues to stand there, baffled. She kneels down and searches through the bag, its contents spilling over, revealing that there was so much more aside from what Seulgi had first seen. Body wash. Shampoo. Conditioner. Soap. All of it was freaking lavender scented.

 

“Are you planning to have me smell like lavender for the rest of my life?” Seulgi laughs in both disbelief and fear. This was just ridiculous.

 

But this was so Irene.

 

And Irene proves it when she answers with a subtle nod and a wide grin, “Yep, for the rest of your life. Now, let’s get started!”

 

--

 

Irene storms into Seulgi’s room gung ho, whipping open Seulgi’s cabinets and drawers, ready to ransack her entire wardrobe. She starts to throw all of Seulgi’s coats onto the floor until the latter quickly takes charge of the situation, embarrassed at the possible thought of Irene handling her delicates, Seulgi volunteers to empty everything herself.

 

“I’ll do it!” she shouts in haste.

 

“Are you sure? You’ve got a lot of clothes. It’ll be faster if both of us do it.”

 

And as she starts to open the top drawer of Seulgi’s source of embarrassment, the smoker quickly grabs Irene by the wrist and guides her out the bedroom door.

 

“I-I got it!” Seulgi quickly blurts in a panic. “You just get the washer ready and start making the living room smell good or w-whatever.”

 

“Wait, Seulgi--”

 

But without any room for explanation or argument, Seulgi closes the door and does as promised.

 

Hours pass and so far, Seulgi has divided all of her clothing into several loads ready to be washed, she’s helped Irene setup air fresheners into practically every crevice in her apartment, stocked up her bathroom full of scented supplies, and opened up all her windows for the day for an initial air out to help the smell dissipate.

 

Seulgi throws in the first batch of clothes into the washer at Irene’s instruction, being careful to use the exact amount of detergent Irene tells her otherwise the elder threatened to kill her if she wasted any excess. She hits the start button, approximate time until finished is about an hour or so. Given all the other clothes she needs to wash, the rest of the day was just going to be laundry. She sighs at the thought of folding everything again and putting them back in their respective drawers. A chore she never quite liked.

 

Already tired at the thought, Seulgi drags herself towards the living room ready to throw herself onto the couch only to see that Irene has already occupied it all to herself.

 

Of course.

 

“How long?” she asks, twirling her hair round her finger as she flips channels on the tv with the other hand. It didn’t take long for her to get comfortable despite all the complaints she had with Seulgi’s apartment. She looked like she practically lived here.  

 

“An hour for that first batch,” Seulgi says, taking a seat on the floor, resting her back against the foot of the couch. “But for everything, it’s going to take forever.”

 

“Well, it’s a good thing I brought some movies!”

 

“You’re kidding,” Seulgi groans and she’s quickly silenced when she turns around to see Irene digging through the side pocket of her duffle bag, soon unveiling a collection of at least ten dvds fumbling out of her tiny hands and scattering upon the couch cushions.

 

Her face full of concentration, Irene picks them up two by two, one in each hand, flipping it front and back, carefully examining her choices.

 

“Hmm, comedy or action first?”

 

Actually, a movie might not be so bad. It would definitely help time pass by faster. Although, her company could be better. Seulgi decides to follow along.

 

“Comedy.”

 

Irene pouts, seemingly debating over two options. Her arms move like a scale as if she were physically weighing the dvds, deciding which was the better pick. Seconds pass and finally, she lets the one in her left fall from her hands as she firmly grips the one in her right and jumps from the couch.

 

“Okay, let’s watch this one then!” Irene shouts a little too excitedly, crouching in front of the tv and inserting the disc into the player.

 

Even now, Seulgi is still amazed at Irene. The way she acts so childish one second, so serious the next and then so violent in the blink of an eye. She had to have been bipolar or something, right?

 

One thing’s for certain. Irene was definitely strange and complicated to Seulgi. Someone she was starting get, maybe understand, but only so much. Her eyes were always so expressive and easy to read but at times they would darken, like a sudden eclipse obscuring the sun, and Seulgi could no longer tell just what she was feeling.

 

Strange, indeed.  

 

And speaking of eyes, Seulgi could feel a pair boring holes into her forehead, drilling deep holes that ran to the back of her skull. She shakes her thoughts away to see Irene staring at her quizzically. How long was she doing that?

 

“What?” Seulgi asks.

 

Knowing Irene, she expects to be scolded for zoning out or not paying attention to her but the answer she receives is unexpected.

 

“Snacks.”

 

“Snacks?”

 

“Uh, yeah Seulgi,” Irene rolls her eyes. “How are we supposed to watch a movie without any popcorn or candy?”

 

Seulgi had to stop herself from facepalming.

 

“What do you think my place is? A theater? I don’t have any of that.”

 

She smiles. Always smiling. That expression that always spelled trouble for Seulgi or led to some sort of task Irene would force her to do.

 

“There’s a convenience store just down your street,” Irene says, feeding Seulgi just enough information for her to get the hint.

 

Seulgi sighs, “And you want me to go buy some right now, huh?”

 

“I believe you know me well enough by now to answer that yourself,” Irene answers sweetly. “Or do we need to argue like always?”

 

The smoker saves both of them the trouble, knowing full well who would win in the end anyway. She’s never had a chance. Seulgi rises from her spot, her joints cracking as she stretches.

 

“Alright, alright. I’ll be back in ten minutes. Don’t destroy my apartment while I’m gone.”

 

--

 

Seulgi’s leisurely walk down the street turns into a brisk jog as something in the back of her mind tells her that if she takes too long, Irene was bound to do something. Whether that something be to the property within her home or to herself when she arrives, Seulgi would rather not find out.

 

The air’s a bit more chilly lately and the temperature is slowly starting to decrease as the sun sets, painting the sky a gradient of orange and purple. The streets were quiet today save for few teenagers lurking about but Seulgi didn’t pay them any mind as she’s just a few meters away from the store’s entrance. Her pace slows down to an easy walk and she pants just a bit from the light exercise. She used to be quite the runner back in high school but that certainly wasn’t the case anymore. Then, right when she’s just a few feet away from the entrance, so close, she freezes as she breathes in that familiar smog.

 

God.

 

It settles deep in her chest, heavy in her lungs, and Seulgi unknowingly gives a deep inhale trying to get more.

 

More. More.

 

It’s the voice of temptation egging her on, whispering in her ear, worming its way inside.

 

More.

 

She shuts her eyes tight and stops herself, Pushing it all away. But when she opens her eyes again, she finally notices the man on the side, enjoying his cigarette, blowing gray rings through the air. She her lips, imagining the taste of ash--the bitter burn.

 

Stop, she tells herself and yet, she can’t tear her eyes away. Her feet won’t budge. She’s stuck. Frozen and yearning.

 

The instant their eyes meet, the man seems to understand, as if they shared some unspoken language, he knew. And in an instant, there it was, a box of cigarettes being offered to her.

 

“You need one?”

 

Need. Why was it always that word?

 

One second.

 

Two seconds.

 

Three seconds.

 

Four.

 

Five.

 

“No, thank you.”

 

And she runs into the store.

 

Seulgi almost said yes. She almost cracked. She’s still not as strong as she thought. She has to try even harder.

 
 

//

 
 

2 weeks of Cold Turkey

 

The withdrawals aren’t so bad anymore, they’re much less frequent. The pain is almost nonexistent. She’s actually starting to feel normal without it. But that moment of weakness always seems to come up in the back of her mind, haunting her.

 

“You need one?”

 

His voice echoes in her mind like a faraway dream attempting to lure her away. Seulgi stares at her reflection in the bathroom, her jaw set at the memory.  

 

How easy it is to slip and fall again--to just let it happen and cave in. She’s done it countless times in the past. Over and over again. Repetition was easy.

 

But nothing worth doing is always easy, is it? Because this definitely was not. She would just have to remember that.

 

“You need one?”

 

The words ring in her head and Seulgi turns away from the mirror, stripping herself down and heading into the shower.

 
 

//

 
 

She drums her fingers on the empty seat in front of her. The bus was a lot quieter today with all of the vacant seats. But it’s not like Seulgi minded. She rather liked it. Less people to bother. Less people to worry about. And more of being able to do whatever she wanted. Her fingers drum faster to the imaginary beat going off in her head. Boom. Boom. Ba-thump. Boom. Boom. Ba-thump.

 

The tempo fastens. The volume increases.

 

Then, a pair of hands grab her wrists and force them into her lap. Seulgi looks to the owner only to see them wearing a scowl full of disapproval and annoyance--oh, that’s right. Irene. She’d completely forgotten about the girl sitting next to her.

 

Seulgi apologizes with a sheepish grin, “My bad.”

 

Everything was so peaceful, including Irene--which was a bit out of character--Seulgi just drifted off into her own world. But now that she was forcefully pulled back into reality, she begins to contemplate. Debating whether or not this was something she could ask Irene advice on--or if she should even ask at all.

 

But, you never know until you try, right?

 

“Soooooo,” Seulgi begins, “I have a hypothetical question.”

 

Immediate skepticism is evident on Irene’s face as she arches a brow. Seulgi knew her tone of voice would give her away. She was never good at controlling it.

 

“Is it a stupid one?”

 

“Just hear me out,” Seulgi puts her hands together, trying to regain control and fully ask what she wants before Irene shuts her up, “So, how do you feel about vapes?”

 

“Oh my god, Seulgi--”

 

Rolling eyes. A loud groan. Disgust. It’s the exact reaction Seulgi expected but she tries to continue.

 

“Remember, this is hypothetical!” Seulgi quickly states in an attempt to calm Irene. “So, if I were considering an alternative to smoking... would you accept vapes?”

 

“The only alternative I accept for smoking is no smoking,” Irene answers cut and clear with no room for argument. Honestly, the look in her eyes was a bit terrifying. Seulgi can feel herself shrinking beneath her stare.

 

“Okay, but vapes smell better. That has to count for something, right? You love good smelling things, or whatever,” Seulgi continues on explaining, trying to test the waters and see, that if by some miracle, Irene would try considering the idea for even a second.

 

Maybe.

 

Possibly.

 

Not likely.

 

But Seulgi presses on. You never know until you try and if she fails, well, crashing and burning is something she’s used to when it comes to Irene.

 

“Saying that a vape smells better than a cigarette isn’t saying much when a cigarette smells god awful in the first place,” Irene sneers. “Wet dog smells better than a cigarette.”

 

Obviously, this proposal was dying.

 

“And vapes smell better than wet dog,” Seulgi shrugs, not sounding quite as confident anymore.

 

“Really?” the other girl raises a brow, “That’s the argument you’re going to make?”

 

Or perhaps this proposal was dead in the water to begin with and Seulgi was just too stubborn to acknowledge it.

 

“It’s valid, isn’t it?” Her voice goes a pitch higher, weak, as she knows that there’s no winning at this point.

 

“Seulgi,” the way Irene says her name--she’s caught on. “Are you missing it right now? Are you feeling more temptations?”

 

It. Seulgi bites the inside of her cheek, unsure of what to say exactly and partially embarrassed that she’s been found out. Though, it was bound to happen anyway.

 

“Kind of? I don’t know,” she sighs, long drawn and heavy. “I’m definitely doing better. But when I get a whiff from someone on the street or walk into a convenience store and see them on display, I just--I get this sudden urge, you know?”

 

Instantly, she’s brought back to that moment. The elderly man offering her a smoke. Her hand tingling, wanting to reach for it. And her tongue gliding over her lips, anticipating that hot burn to fill .

 

“I start to miss the taste, how it filled my lungs,” Seulgi’s jaw clenches tight as she tries to push away the memory but it’s so vivid and inescapable, her brows knit tight and her forehead creases in concentration. “The rush to my head. Man, I even miss the way it rested between my fingers, just holding it there. Then, my fingers start to t-twitch a bit again and I...I--”

 

To her surprise, Seulgi’s hand is suddenly seized and enveloped in a small warmth--soft, warm skin that made her flinch upon contact, then rendered her motionless in the next second as she feels the blood rush to her cheeks. Irene’s hand firmly wrapped around hers.

 

“How about now? Still twitchy or do you feel better?”

 

Seulgi tries to resist the growing blush on her cheeks, how Irene holding her hand was supposed to help her, she doesn’t know. Whatever kind of logic that ran through Irene’s mind missed Seulgi completely. But she can’t deny the comfort she feels from her grasp as her fingers relax and slightly curl around Irene’s. The problem now was her quickening heartbeat.

 

“Yeah, I-I guess,” is the only reply she’s able to muster.

 

“Can I ask you a question?” Irene asks with slight caution in her voice.

 

The faint pink on her cheeks begin to recede as Seulgi grows accustomed to Irene’s hold on her. She nods.

 

There’s a small pause before Irene speaks, carefully piecing together her thoughts and how to say them, her lips part with a tiny voice flowing through, “Wendy’s already told me a bit about it but I want to hear it from you. How did you start smoking?”

 

Seulgi blinks as she’s caught off guard. Not many people asked her about it, save for her family of course, and Wendy--well, she was there when it all happened. They were the only ones who knew. But it wasn’t a story she thought Irene would be interested in.

 

The origin of her smoking habit was born from a spiral of rejection, self-pity, and unfortunate events that led her to rock bottom. It wasn’t a tale she particularly liked sharing but it was Irene who asked, so… she was okay with it.

 

Seulgi takes a deep breath.

 

“Well, nothing was really going my way back then,” Seulgi starts out. “My parents were having issues, divorce was on the table. Plus, I was trying to transfer to a different college, the one I dreamt of attending since high school. But… unfortunately, I was turned down for the third time. Sad, I know. “ And a pitiful chuckle escapes her.

 

Irene continues to listen, silent and attentive, her hand holding on tighter.

 

“After I got that rejection letter I just wanted to blow off some steam,” Seulgi shrugs. “My brother was also leaving for the army soon so we went out for some quality sibling time. God, I don’t even remember everything we did that night but we drove all over town, calling up our friends to go out, hitting up the arcade we used to go to as kids, eating at our favorite restaurants--it was great.”

 

A night she would never forget even if she tried.

 

“Then, on the way home…”

 

hangs open and her voice seems to have disappeared. She remembers that night so vividly, so strongly, it was enough to steal the air from her lungs and the power in her voice. One second later. Two seconds. Three.

 

“We got into an accident,” Seulgi manages to mutter just enough for Irene to hear. “I was the one driving and I wasn’t paying attention to the road you know, just goofing around with some loud music and singing along. It was one hell of a night and I was just so… carefree. Then, I don’t remember exactly what happened but suddenly everything went black.”  

 

The impact. Screeching and grinding. Shattered glass and crushed metal. A mix of terrifying sounds all lost in the chaos of darkness as Seulgi felt her body thrash this way and that. A coldness runs through her as she recollects fragments of that night.

 

Her eyes fall to the center of her lap.

 

“We crashed,” Seulgi takes a deep breath. “I managed to get away with just a few scratches and bruises. My brother on the other hand had to be hospitalized. It wasn’t life threatening, but it was bad. He was going to be bedridden for months and would have to go through therapy. And it was because of me.”

 

The look in his eyes when he told her it wasn’t her fault, that she shouldn’t blame herself, that it was just bad luck and he wasn't angry--all lies that he couldn't sell. The same look that was present in Irene’s eyes except hers were genuine.

 

“Seulgi, you don’t have to tell me anymore if you don’t want to,” Irene interrupts, a look of worry tugged the corners of her lips downward. After what she’s heard, she must’ve regretted asking, Seulgi thought.

 

But she shakes her head and continues on.

 

“I dropped out of college. Whatever money I still had from my loans and my college fund I used it to help pay the hospital bills. For a time, my parents blamed me for what happened.”

 

All the yelling, screaming, and crying. In the midst of their impending divorce, condemning Seulgi was the one thing they did together. As if she hadn’t beaten herself enough.

 

“I did too,” Seulgi sighs, trying to relieve the suffocating pressure in her chest. Even now, it was hard to talk about what happened. “So, I tried to get a job but it was rejection after rejection. After all, I was a dropout without a degree. Eventually, I settled for working at fast food restaurants. Minimum wage and three part time jobs. I barely slept, I barely ate, I barely did anything. That was my life and it was horrible. I hated it.”

 

But she deserved it. That’s what she told herself. And for a time, she truly did believe it.

 

“Everything was starting to wear me down. I needed a break, just one day,” she sighs as if she could feel the ache in her joints like it was yesterday. How the soles of her feet would throb restlessly. And then the soreness in her lower back would make her twist and turn in discomfort to alleviate the pain. “So Wendy, being the best friend that she is, forced me out of my apartment and dragged me with her to a party. Now, I’m not much of a drinker so I didn’t have quite as much fun as everyone else there, being sober and sad made everything pretty much boring despite being out. But some guy offered me a smoke, told me to let up and take a little puff.”

 

In her peripherals, Seulgi could see the space between Irene’s brows scrunch tighter, almost permanently wrinkling them together into one.

 

“I never thought much of smoking. I didn’t hate it and I didn’t like it either,” Seulgi confesses with a shrug. “But why the hell not?”

 

There was no doubt, had it been Irene, she would have refused the offer. But what if Irene had been in Seulgi’s shoes? Would she still have been as strong and resilient as she was now, shaking it away without a second thought even with everything weighing her down? Seulgi wonders to herself.

 

“Surprisingly, it felt good. It burned like hell, though. And I nearly coughed my lungs out on that first puff, but God, was it good. And I wanted more.”

 

That night, she joined the man and sat out on the balcony with a couple of other strangers, their names she couldn’t recall or bother to remember. It was a cold evening that caused goosebumps to crawl all over her skin but the fire that filled her chest sufficed in keeping her warm. Small orange embers from each one of their cigarettes lit the night like tiny fireflies in the dark. Voices, smoke, laughter, smoke. One stick after another. That night, for the first time since the accident, she felt relief. She felt...good.

 

And so it began.

 

“After that, I started smoking once a day, then twice a day, then three, five, ten times--until it became habit. Then a few weeks later, things started to turn around. My brother was recovering faster. Wendy was able to pull some strings and help me get a job interview at her place. And my parents began to forgive me.”

 

Back then, it was as if the stars had aligned and shone down a healing light upon her, slowly washing away the pain and blessing her.  

 

“My life started to come back together,” Seulgi sighs as she comes to the end of her tale. “And, well, the rest is history."

 

Irene stares at her with pursed lips, the cogs of her mind turning. Quietly processing. Thinking deeply. Then she lays her other hand atop their intertwined ones and she speaks with a gentleness Seulgi’s not used to hearing.  

 

“Seulgi, smoking isn’t what turned your life around. You know that, right?”

 

She sounded sad. More than she should be and more than Seulgi expected. Why was Irene always like this?

 

The smoker smiles.

 

"I know but the coincidence was there and I couldn't let it go. Everything was finally right again and...I was happy for the most part."

 

With all the pieces back in the right places and the threat that one misstep might break it all apart--it terrified her. Fear, the biggest chain to her addiction. The worried look on Irene’s face starts to fade and Seulgi’s smile widens with crescent eyes and pearly whites. Well, it was time to sever that chain.

 

Seulgi sinks in her seat with an audible exhale, “Now, I have a question I want to ask you.”

 

Irene blinks in surprise.

 

“Have you ever thought of trying it? Even just once?”

 

There’s a low hum coming from Irene as she holds onto Seulgi tighter. With a firm squeeze she answers.

 

“I have.”

 

Seulgi suddenly sits upright in her seat, obviously shocked with her jaw slightly open.

 

“Wait--we’re talking about the same thing, right? Smoking?”

 

She couldn’t wrap her mind around the thought. Sure, she asked the question. But what she expected was an outright “No”. An absolute and definitive “No”. It was just curiosity that posed the question and yet, Irene throws her for a loop once again with a reply that leaves her utterly baffled, Seulgi had to be sure they were on the same page.  

 

“Yes, smoking,” Irene’s hand taps the bottom of Seulgi’s chin, ushering it to close. “I’ve considered it once. Just once.”

 

Slowly, second by second, Seulgi recollects herself and she remembers, “Because of your dad, right?”

 

The elder nods, “Yeah. He was a lot worse than you, though. Whenever he had a cigarette in his hand, I’d stay away from him. I’ve always hated the smell. But, later on I did learn to tolerate it enough to be around him.”

 

Another question comes to mind and Seulgi wonders if she’ll be surprised yet again.

 

“So, did you ever get farther than just thinking about?”

 

“I lit my own cigarette--”

 

“What?!” Seulgi exclaims. “You, Bae Irene, had an actual cigarette in your hand and lit it yourself? How close were you to taking a puff? Did you follow through? Wh--”

 

Any further drabbles from Seulgi’s mouth are suddenly muffled by Irene’s hand.

 

“Oh my God, calm down,” she rolls her eyes. “That’s as far as I got. I could barely hold the darn thing and put it out immediately. I nearly cried at what I was about to do.”

 

“Mmph Mmmph?” Incoherent gibberish. Irene retracts her hand, allowing the muted words to be heard.

 

”Then why?” is all Seulgi can say, tilting her head to the side, wondering how the stubborn and iron-willed girl was nearly enticed into doing something she hated so much.

 

“Because...Because something was going on with my dad. He was acting weird and being distant. I wondered what it could be but he hid it well,” Irene purses her lips in thought. She stares at the bus’s roof, quietly humming as Seulgi waits patiently. Despite how childish the other girl was, she always chose her words well. Mindful and astute, Irene spoke carefully. “I wanted to fix it. So I guess I thought, what if I tried smoking with him? Like some kind of father-daughter bonding of some sort.”

 

Another pause and her eyes glide back down to meet Seulgi’s.

 

“But I couldn’t do it,” she admits, almost sounding sad. Though only for the fact that it was something she couldn’t do for the sake of her father. “Instead, I talked to him. I made him listen and begged him to tell me what was wrong. All of a sudden, he held me and started crying. He wasn’t telling me anything though and all he asked was that I help him quit smoking. I said yes.”

 

“And he finally stopped, right?” Seulgi recalls Irene saying so.

 

“Yes, months later he was finally done with smoking.” A soft melancholic smile turns the corner of her lip. “But it was too late, he was diagnosed with lung cancer. The doctor saw the signs earlier, that’s why he was so off. That’s why my dad wanted to quit,” she says a bit hurriedly as she tries to blink away the sudden gleam in her eyes. A deep breath. One. Two. She’s fine again and states with conviction. “Smoking--I could never do it and I never will.”

 

Seulgi nods with a warm grin, “Fair enough. And hey, I’m really sorry about your dad.”

 

“Thanks,” Irene returns the gesture. “I’m really sorry about what you had to go through. I can’t imagine having been in your situation.”

 

The smoker shrugs. Whoever had it worse wasn’t important. They both had their own share of hardships. But Seulgi’s had enough of such downers. She’s certainly wallowed in her own misfortunes for far too long.

 

“Eh, it was a long time ago. At least something good came out of it all.”

 

Irene glares at her incredulously.

 

“Like what? You better not say smoking.”

 

Seulgi shakes her head and with the widest grin that could dazzle anyone, she says, “No. Meeting you.”

 

It was a spur of the moment and Seulgi wasn’t quite sure herself why she said it, only that it was true as shy as she was to admit it. But here she was, having said it out loud and unable to suppress the look on her face. It was all embarrassingly honest.

 

But when Irene breaks into a smile so bright she resembled the sun, Seulgi didn’t seem to care anymore as she takes a moment to stare at the girl before her.

 

And she’s come to realize that she liked having Irene around.     

 
 

//

 
 

3 weeks of Cold Turkey

 

“Morning Wendy,” Seulgi says melodiously as she enters the office.

 

“Morning Seul,” Wendy greets back, just looking a bit upward from her desk enough to see her best friend. “How was your evening yesterday?”

 

“Good. You?”

 

Wendy arches a suspicious brow.

 

“Great.”

 

“That’s good to hear,” Seulgi smiles at her and lets out a tiny chuckle. “Well, time to get work, huh?”

 

And as Seulgi walks away from her, Wendy sits motionless wondering if it was truly Kang Seulgi she just spoke to or a long lost twin who embodied sunshine.  

 

Folded hands on her desk, her lips pressed into a straight line, and her body so still one might have thought she was a statue. Wendy stares pensively across the room. For the past week, their morning exchanges have been that. Seulgi would walk into the office, no look of despair, no expression of I don’t want to be here, she’d just stroll in whistling to herself seeming so chipper--more than Wendy has ever seen her at 7 a.m. Not to mention, on a work day as well.

 

It was unusual. Bizarre even. And Wendy couldn’t help but wonder why.

 

She taps her two index fingers together in rhythm. Seulgi fumbles about her desk, she stops and stares downward, seconds later she rolls her eyes. Wendy bites the inside of her cheek as she observes. Minutes pass, Seulgi freezes what she’s doing again, looks down, and smirks.

 

It has to be her phone.

 

Wendy leans back in her chair wondering what it is that’s possessed Seulgi into acting like some teenage girl who couldn’t bear to leave her phone alone for five minutes. She watches a little longer, leaning this way and that to get a better view. But when Seulgi picks up her phone for the fifth time in the span of three minutes, Wendy decides it was time for a little recon.

 

She slides out of her chair, grabbing her coffee mug off the corner of her desk in the same motion as she makes her way to the break room which, conveniently, happened to be past Seulgi’s desk.

 

Wendy hums her way across the room, keeping her eyes forward as she passes Seulgi. At the machine, she places her mug at the base but takes a pause. Her humming continues and Wendy leans back as far as she can, trying to look over Seulgi’s shoulder without getting caught. Wendy was quite certain that all her coworkers who could see her were giving her strange looks as she appeared to be attempting yoga or something of the sort, but that was unimportant. So long as her prime target did not spot her, she couldn’t care less.

 

Wendy bends her legs a bit, she leans back further, and then cranes her neck back. Just a little bit more. Hold it. Breathe.

 

Aha!

 

She was right. And Wendy wonders what could be possibly be going on with Seulgi’s phone to have her so captivated. For Wendy was certain--absolutely certain--that whatever it was, it was the reason why her best friend was weirdly high-spirited.

 

Wendy maintains her back-breaking pose, focusing her eyes harder, squinting as if she could zoom in and gain clarity. Then the sudden movement from Seulgi stretching her arms from a yawn causes her to fumble nervously and stand erect, Wendy quickly turns around, her hum turns to a whistle and she quickly presses the button to dispense coffee into her patiently waiting mug. The liquid splashes violently at the bottom and tiny splatters burn her fingers. Wendy hisses quietly to herself and she turns around to see Seulgi return back to her phone.

 

She’s still on it.

 

It was now or never. Wendy leans again but this time she tip-toes her way closer to Seulgi until she’s only a few feet away. Holding her breath, she peers over her shoulder determined to find out just what was going on. A certain name immediately catches her eye and an uncontrollable smirk creeps upon her face as she reads down the screen.

 
 

Seulgi: You’re coming over again tonight? Why are you always forcing yourself over at my apartment?

 

Irene: Because I need to check on you and make sure you’re keeping the place up. You better have replaced those air fresheners. And I don’t force myself over, you always let me in. Don’t even try arguing back, Kang Seulgi.

 

Seulgi: OTL fine, fine, whatever. I concede.

 

Irene: Oh, but before we head back to your place let’s grab some pizza because I’m craving.

 

Seulgi: Sounds good.

 
 
 

Ding! The screen scrolls upward at the arrival of a new text.

 
 
 

Irene: Your treat!

 
 

Wendy finishes reading it just as Seulgi groans and quickly types a response.

 
 

Seulgi: Fineeee…

 
 

As soon as the reply has been sent, Seulgi lays her head down on her desk. A solid thud could be heard and Wendy can’t help but think what a doormat her friend was. Seulgi had always been that way especially for certain people. She stifles a laugh and turns back to grab her coffee. Looks like Irene wasn’t such a pain in Seulgi’s side anymore after all.

 

Interesting, Wendy thought to herself, taking a sip from her mug.

 

She’d have to keep a watchful eye on them.

 
 

//

 
 

“Hmm, maybe I should get strawberry?” Seulgi thinks aloud as she hovers over the glass display, peeking into the ice cream freezer and surveying what delectable flavors she could choose from.

 

Irene suddenly leans over her right shoulder and simply says, “Mint Chocolate Chip.”

 

Seulgi looks at her dead in the eye and shakes her head. Mint chocolate chip was never a flavor she was particularly fond of when she tried it a few years back nor does she want to give it another shot right now. Ignoring Irene’s suggestion, she makes her way down the other end of the freezer.

 

“Cookies and Cream? Rocky Road?” Seulgi folds her arms across her chest. “Or maybe I should just go with plain Vanilla?”

 

Suddenly, a shot of hot air violates her ear, a rough whisper telling her, yet again, “Mint Chocolate Chip.”

 

Seulgi jumps and nearly shoulders Irene’s face but the girl was smart enough to take a hop backwards after what she did, avoiding near collision. The smoker violently rubs at her ear as she felt them heating up along with her cheeks. A sudden flush across her face.

 

“W-What the heck, Irene?!” she stammers. A closer look at Seulgi and Irene begins to giggle.

 

“You don’t have to be so jumpy. I was just telling you what you should get.”

 

Ridiculous. A heavy sigh leaves Seulgi as she rolls her head back.

 

“Irene, I don’t like Mint Chocolate Chip. So, no thank you.”

 

Irene’s eyes widen from disbelief, “Why not? It’s delicious!”

 

Customers begin to roll in the door, weaving between and around the two as they begin to debate.

 

“I don’t know?” Seulgi shrugs. “Because it’s too ‘minty’ for an ice cream?”

 

“That’s the best thing about it,” Irene quickly retorts.

 

“God, why are you so into mints and stuff?”

 

“A better question is, why don’t you like it?”

 

Seulgi’s face scrunches into a look of frustration but on the opposite end Irene maintains a calm demeanor as she continues to counter all of the former’s comebacks.

 

“It’s too strong.”

 

“It’s refreshing.”

 

“It burns my nose.”

 

“That’s hilarious coming from a smoker.”

 

“Former smoker.”

 

“Not quite yet. Almost,” Irene makes the important point which immediately silences Seulgi for a moment.

 

The latter’s lips press into a fine line,“You like to argue with me a lot.”

 

“Actually, it’s the other way around.”

 

“...”

 

“...”

 

All is hush between them until, as usual, Seulgi’s shoulders slump as she succumbs, utterly defeated.

 

“Fine,” she groans, turning around and getting in line to order. “I guess I'm getting Mint Chocolate Chip.”

 

Irene smiles to herself and follows suit, “Make that two!”

 

Again, Seulgi groans.

 

--

 

They sit in the bus shelter, their respective ice creams as they wait to finally go home. Surprisingly, Seulgi ended up liking her scoop of Mint Chocolate Chip more than she thought, nearly devouring it in a span of five minutes. Just a few and a couple bites of her cone remained. But of course, when Irene asked how it was, she didn’t dare admit how good it was. Although, from the sly smirk on the elder’s face, Irene already knew.

 

“So, I brought more air fresheners since you haven’t replaced the old ones yet like I told you to,” Irene glares at her. “Oh! And I got a new movie, too.”

 

Seulgi knew what that meant. She finishes the last bit of her ice cream.

 

“Since when did my apartment become your own personal movie house?”

 

“Ever since I kicked you off the couch last time and claimed it with my blanket.”

 

The smoker gazes up in thought as she recalls what transpired two days ago when Irene had nearly broken her lower back with an incredible kick, leaving Seulgi writhing on the floor. Irene then lay sprawled on the couch covered in a purple blanket while complaining on how Seulgi needed to maintain her supply of lavender scented detergents, softeners, and fresheners, otherwise her apartment was going to reek. And before Seulgi could add in any remarks, Irene played her movie, drowning out Seulgi’s voice with surround sound.

 

The night after, Seulgi saw the purple blanket lying on the couch, thinking Irene must have accidentally left it. But now she realizes it was done on purpose as Irene meant for that spot to be permanently hers.

 

“So that’s why you left it,” Seulgi mutters to herself with a helpless nod. She always told herself to be more watchful around Irene. Unfortunately, she never seemed to learn her lesson. Irene was certainly crafty or perhaps she was just stupid, Seulgi thought to herself.

 

“Yep,” Irene says with a little hop in her seat. “That couch is now mine.”

 

Seulgi doesn’t bother arguing, “Then, I guess the floor is mine.”

 

Irene takes the last bite of her ice cream, then with a tissue from her purse, daintily wipes clean.

 

“Good idea,” Irene agrees, a small victory for Seulgi--if it could even count as a win, that is. “Then you can be my own personal foot rest.”

 

Okay, definitely not a win.

 

Irene giggles to herself and their bus arrives with a heavy metal creak from the brakes. Quickly, Irene gets up and skips towards the vehicle, leaving Seulgi baffled for a moment as she tries to think of a comeback. But she was much too slow.

 

Irene stops at the open doors of the bus, one foot ready to board and she calls out, “Hurry up, Seulgi! I want to watch my movie!”

 

And like routine, Seulgi follows suit.

 
 

//

 
 

1 month of Cold Turkey

 

Seulgi sits at her desk, preoccupied with her phone. Her thumbs hammer away at the keyboard as she types up her message. Then, just when she’s about to press the send button, she stops, feeling a pair of eyes staring her down. And at an oddly close distance, too.

 

She glances upward and lo and behold, the perpetrator is none other than Wendy standing at edge of her desk with a strange smirk plastered on her face. The former locks her phone and lays it faced down on her desk.

 

“Yes?” she asks, wondering what it was Wendy was up to.

 

“Soooo,” Wendy whistles and her smirk turns more crooked.

 

Seulgi squints at her in a confused fashion, “So?”

 

“How bad is it?”

 

“How bad is what? The no-smoking thing?” Seulgi guesses. “I’m actually doing pretty well. I’ve been staying away from all kinds of temptations. You know, out of sight, out of mind. Put me next to a cigarette though and I’m still kind of bad. I get shaky and everything. So, still a work in progress.”

 

Wendy leans onto the desk, bending a bit downward to Seulgi’s eye level.

 

“That’s really good to hear Seulgi, but that’s not what I was asking about.”

 

Seulgi straightens up in her seat. She hated it when Wendy would beat around the bush like this, leading her on.

 

“Then what are you talking about? How bad is what?” she asks puzzled.

 

And Wendy’s smirk bursts into a full-blown smile, her face beaming as she finally reveals her true question.

 

“How bad do you have it for Irene?”

 

Seulgi throws her pack of sticky notes and Wendy barely dodges the fatal attack to her face.

 

“Shut up Wendy!” Seulgi shouts a bit too loudly, earning a few looks from the others in the office. But Wendy simply runs away laughing. She looked like an idiot, Seulgi thought.

 

“All things strange and beautiful, Kang Seulgi! Remember what I told you!” Wendy shouts as she begins to run away. “Looks like more than just your weakness now!”

 

Seulgi jumps from her seat and grabs the apple off her desk, threatening to throw it next, making Wendy sprint just a bit faster until she was finally out of the office. Wendy would have to go back to her desk sooner and later. And as soon as she did, Seulgi swore she was going to club her with more than just an apple.

 

When Seulgi sits back down, only then does she realize how much her face was burning. Flustered, Seulgi covers her face with the back of her hand. She could practically feel how red she was.

 

She shook her head fiercely, trying to shake off the feeling. And although no one was watching her, she felt like an fool.

 

Why was Wendy always saying such stupid things?

 

Looks like more than just your weakness now!

 

The words ring in her head and Seulgi grunts in frustration, “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

Pointless.

 

Not wanting to ponder on the thought any longer, Seulgi takes a bite of her apple and returns to her phone, sending off the text she prepared minutes before she was so rudely interrupted.

 

--

 

Four in the afternoon. Seulgi stares at her phone wondering just where Irene could be. Usually she'd already be waiting for Seulgi by the time she got off, which was an hour past. But as Seulgi peers from underneath her umbrella looking up and down the street in the pouring rain, the girl was nowhere in sight. It was strange, not even a text or call from her, not like Seulgi needed to always keep tabs on her. If anything, it was the other way around. Irene was always the one notifying Seulgi of where she was, if she was on the way, if she wouldn't come--which almost never happened--so that she could tell the latter to go home and threaten her that she'd better not make any unnecessary stops.

 

But nothing. Absolutely nothing this time.

 

It was a bit worrying.

 

Seulgi checks her phone for the time again.

 

"4:18 p.m."

 

Seulgi looks about the street again. Not a familiar face in sight. And she looks at her phone once more before tucking it away in her pocket.

 

Their bus would be arriving soon.

 

She releases a small sigh and treads into the rain. Heavy water droplets pellet down on her umbrella and shoes. Soon, she feels the rain seep through, soaking her socks. She shivers and quickens her pace.

 
 

--

 
 

"Miss, are you sure? I could walk you to your bus. It's no trouble at all."

 

"No thank you, I'm fine," Irene politely declines the fifth gentleman offering to her.

 

He gives her a small nod as he begins to walk away. Irene watches as he disappears down the street and all she could see and hear was heavy rainfall. She stands outside the entrance of her workplace, taking shelter beneath the roofed walkway. Irene puts her hand out, feeling the cold.

 

Of all the days to forget her umbrella, it just had to be today. And not just her umbrella, but her charger too. Now her phone was just a dead brick sitting at the bottom of her purse.

 

She bites her lip, cursing herself for being so unprepared. She rocks back and forth on her heels, staring down at the ground. Hopefully, the rain would let up soon. Though it was highly unlikely given the fact the weather only worsened in the past hour.

 

Irene sniffles. Seulgi probably went home by now, she thought. If only she knew her number from memory, then she could have at least used a payphone or borrowed someone's cell to call her.

 

Ah, what a mess you are today, Irene scolds herself.

 

--

 

"Forget your umbrella, ma'am?"

 

Irene jumps a bit and gazes up. And despite her thoroughly soaked boots, frigid hands, and damp coat, Seulgi flashes her a smile she just couldn't contain upon seeing Irene’s utter shock.

 

“S-Seulgi?” Irene stammers as she quickly pulls Seulgi out the rain. “You’re drenched!”

 

And Seulgi tilts her head as if confused before examining herself, not realizing that Irene was right. Somehow, she didn’t seem to notice how freezing she was.

 

“How--How did you find me?” Irene asks, still taken aback but there’s a small curve to her lips indicating she was pleased to see the other girl.

 

“How else? I ran around looking for you,” Seulgi casually explains, shaking her umbrella off on the side. On the other hand, Irene’s expression quickly changed, her brows knitting tightly together. But Seulgi continued on, not giving Irene any chance to scold her, “Were you just planning to wait around until the rain settled?”

 

Irene looks to side, perhaps a bit embarrassed, Seulgi thinks. She mutters, “Maybe.”

 

“You would have waited forever,” Seulgi laughs.

 

“No,” Irene huffs with a small pout. “You’re exaggerating. I would have been just fine.”

 

Regardless of what Irene said, her body betrays her as she shivers and shakes, not so violently but definitely enough to show how much the cold affected her. Seulgi suppresses her grin. According to the weather report, the rain was supposed to last all night. Irene would have frozen herself to the bone but Seulgi knows the girl would, of course, never admit it. This was Irene after all.

 

“Sure, sure. Come on, let’s go,” Seulgi readies her umbrella and pulls Irene closer by the shoulder, escorting them out into the rain. “It’s starting to get dark.”

 

They walk to the nearest bus stop in quiet. In her peripheral vision, Seulgi checks on Irene, making sure to angle the umbrella so that the latter would be completely covered. Seulgi was never one for skinship or being in such close proximity of another but as Irene leans a bit more into her for warmth, she tries not to pull away as she could feel the girl tremble. And her hand becomes an awkward curl atop Irene’s shoulder as she continues to guide her.

 

Somehow, Seulgi could never quite hide how flustered she was, whether it was on her face or in her body language. Good thing Irene was too preoccupied to tell.

 

The rain was louder, heavier, and unrelenting. Water crashing down upon the pavement and concrete filled the void of silence save for the space between them.

 

“I was going to call you but my phone died,” Irene says all of a sudden. Seulgi glances down at her curiously. “What made you think to come look for me?”

 

“You weren’t waiting for me like always. Why wouldn’t I look for you?”

 

Irene hums to herself in thought, “What if... I just left without you? Or maybe I had other plans?”

 

“Without telling me?” Seulgi scoffs. “Yeah right.”

 

“Why not?”

 

Irene was a curious thing, always asking questions she already knew the answers to. Seulgi wondered why.

 

“Nah, there’s no way you would’ve just left me,” Seulgi pauses briefly and slightly shakes her head. “The Irene I would know wouldn’t abandon me like that, not even for the most trivial thing.”

 

Irene then shines this 1000-megawatt smile and out of some sort of reflex, slaps Seulgi’s abdomen. The latter flinches from the violent love tap, assuming she was hit out of affection and not anger.

 

“Good answer,” she says gleefully.

 

Seulgi rubs the sore spot beneath her ribs, complaining, “C’mon, I’m not an idiot all the time.”

 

In response, Irene cranes her neck upward, meeting Seulgi face to face, “Just most of time.”

 

“Can I argue against that?”

 

“You can try,” Irene teases, “but we both know I’ll win.”

 

Knowing better than to even attempt, Seulgi concedes with a chuckle causing Irene to giggle along as well. It was downpouring, their clothes were damp, hands freezing, faces numb, and here they were laughing down these gloomy empty streets so carefree. As if everything were fine just like this. Just the two of them in the rain.

 

It reminds Seulgi of the first time they spoke weeks ago on a rainy day just like this. That day, however, was anything but pleasant and incredibly hard to forget. Irene scowled at her, threw her out into the cold, and forced her to quit an addiction she was convinced she couldn’t live without.

 

Irene’s first impression was far from flattering save for the fact she was undeniably pretty. Aside from that, she was annoying, bothersome, and overwhelming. So many times, Seulgi wished she could have just screamed at her and make her leave.

 

But now--now it was different.

 

And Seulgi looks to her left meaning to steal a glance, just a glance, but her eyes linger longer than they should’ve and more than she thought she wanted as she marvels at how extraordinarily beautiful Irene is. At that moment, the same words echo in her mind.

 

Looks like more than just a weakness now!

 

The pieces line up and Seulgi can feel her heartbeat quicken upon her realization.

 

How bad do you have it for Irene?

 

Her body goes stiff, becoming extremely nervous and even more conscious of their closeness. She mentally curses through clenched teeth.

 

Dammit, Wendy.

 

Why was she always right?

 
 

//

 
 

1 month and half of Cold Turkey

 

Moonlight drips through the intricate lace patterns of her window curtains, the only light currently present within her apartment save for the bathroom in which Seulgi stood in, face nearly pressed against the mirror and her hands on both sides of the sink for support. The light flickers and dims for a second. One of the bulbs seemed to be dying.

 

“Hmmm.”

 

Seulgi lightly presses the skin beneath her eyes then lightly pulls and examines it. Her eyebags were looking better, there was more color in her face, and the look in her eyes weren’t so dead and dark as they used to be. She breaks into yawn, blinks five times, and stares at back at her reflection.

 

A smile of approval creeps upon her face, satisfied with her progress. Seulgi softly pats both of her cheeks.

 

“Just gotta keep at it,” she encourages herself.

 

Her phone in her back pocket vibrates as she exits her bathroom, turning off the lights. In the darkness, she unlocks her phone, the bright LED screen illuminates her face. And the newly received text message somehow makes her heart skip a beat.  

 

Irene: I’m going to sleep now and you better do the same! Good night, Seulgi~

 

Seulgi quickly types up her reply.

 

Seulgi: No worries, ma’am. Heading to bed right now. See you in the morning.

 

 

//

 
 

She unlocks her phone, scrolling through her messages again for the seventh time, lingering on the very last text that she sent hours ago. Her lips press into a hard thin line. Seulgi sighs, putting her phone away and returning to work.

 

Irene had been rather busy the past week or so. Her replies were scattered at irregular time intervals as opposed to her usual timely and attentive messages. She was helping out in some big company project is what Irene told her. And it’s not like Seulgi didn’t understand her situation, she just wasn’t used to the bit of absence she was starting to feel from her. The girl always seemed to have time for her ever since they met and Seulgi was far too spoiled by the attention now, she thinks.

 

Even so, she can’t deny how off she felt without so much Irene in her day. It was embarrassing to admit and Seulgi cringed at herself for feeling such a way but she had to admit that just this, was enough to make her miss Irene. She hated that.

 

“Whyyyyyy,” Seulgi quietly whines as she slumps in her chair, frowning.

 

From across the room, she could see Wendy eyeballing her suspiciously. One could obviously guess what she was thinking. And before Wendy could say or do anything, Seulgi yells across the room,

 

“Shut up, Wendy!”

 

Seulgi didn’t need anyone else telling her what she already knew. Why did she have to feel like this?

 
 

//

 
 

2 months of Cold Turkey

 

How long was this company project, Seulgi wondered. She sat on the couch, mindlessly staring at whatever program was playing on her television. Restless, her hands twitched and her fingers drummed along the cushion that laid in her lap. It was starting again. Two months passed and the struggle was still present. Seulgi sharply releases an irritated sigh. She could feel herself slipping. There had to be a better way to spend her Saturday morning than this.

 

Seulgi abruptly rises from her seat, the cushion softly falling onto the floor and she steps over it, quickly grabbing her coat and cap out of the closet then slipping into her shoes.

 

What she needed right now was to keep her mind occupied. Maybe a walk around the mall would help kill some time.

 

--

 

Holding onto the brim of her baseball cap, Seulgi walks around aimlessly but she’s careful to avoid collisions with any shoppers, just barely brushing shoulders with those too close to her. Seulgi glances at all the storefronts, trying to distract herself but for some reason, no matter how loud it was or how many conversations flew back and forth over her head, Seulgi’s mind stayed trained on the same thoughts.

 

No Irene.

 

Why not smoke?

 

Just a bit. You deserve it. No one will know.

 

The fingers of her free hand tap nervously together. And at the worst possible time ever, she catches the name of a vape store in the corner of her eye. Immediately, she bites her lip.

 

Tap.

 

Tap.

 

This is exactly what she wanted to avoid. She makes an abrupt turn cutting some ladies off as she speedily walks into the nearest store to get away, earning some disapproving looks for her minor rudeness.

 

As soon as she’s past the entrance Seulgi pauses to take a breather. Inhale. Exhale. One. Two. A flood of scents startles her.

 

“What the?”

 

Seulgi stops as she finally takes in her surroundings, realizing just where she was. Candles, perfumes, lotions, body sprays. A fragrance shop. She tips her cap to cover her face.

 

It was too perfect and Seulgi laughs to herself.

 

“Of course I’d end up here.”

 

Seulgi breathes it all in again, hoping it would dispel the creeping temptations that were desperately trying to resurface. She walks to the wall nearest her, shelves lined with an impressive assortment of body sprays of smells Seulgi didn’t even know existed. Curious, she picks a few up one by one, giving it a spritz into the open air and gently wafting it towards her for a sniff.

 

“Ugh,” Seulgi coughs from how they stung her nose. They were quite strong.

 

Having had enough fun with the body sprays, she puts everything back to where she found it and continues down the wall just glancing about the shelves.

 

Doing this, continuing to abstain from smoking the past few weeks, was admittedly much harder without Irene. Had Seulgi been on her own from the get-go, how difficult would it have been, she wonders. She swallows from the dryness in .

 

Seulgi continues along, closer and closer into the back of the store when a display of candles catches her eye. More specifically, a lavender scented candle. She practically knew the smell by heart now. All thanks to a certain someone. Seulgi lifts the candle to her face, rotating it, reading the label, looking at the color, smelling it. She nods. It was definitely lavender. Her lips pout thoughtfully. She never did ask why Irene loved the scent so much. In Seulgi’s opinion, it wasn’t anything special. But the elder girl would’ve argued with her on that point.

 

She smiles as she eyeballs the candle one more time, contemplating. Second pass and she’s finally decided, carrying a medium-sized candle with her to the register, she’d buy it for Irene.

 

It was a small gift but one that was absolutely suited her. And just the beginning of how much Seulgi owed Irene in thanks for all she’s done to support her.

 

--

 

She’s been at the mall a lot longer than she expected. Seulgi decided that one candle wouldn’t suffice and went running around looking for an additional gift to pair it together. It was about four or five shops she visited until she found this cute stuffed bunny with big eyes, big ears, and the tiniest paws and tail--Seulgi instantly thought of Irene and made the purchase. Now her gift was much better.

 

Still, Seulgi roamed the mall. There was no harm in lingering a little longer anyway. She had no other plans and perhaps she’d find something interesting worth picking up for herself. Maybe she should look into buying some new headphones, she thought. Or maybe some new shoes, the ones she had on right now were more than a bit tattered.

 

“Seulgi!”

 

She stops dead in her tracks, a rapid thumping in her ears starts as she turns around.

 

“Irene?”

 

Seulgi’s mouth splits into a wide grin as she watches Irene walk towards her. It doesn’t last long though, somewhat dissolving when she realizes Irene was being trailed closely by a man. A rather handsome one too, if Seulgi was being honest. Black velvet suit, shiny leather shoes, and raven hair neatly swept back to prevent obscuring his gorgeously sculpted features. God, Seulgi already hated him. Why was he with Irene and who the hell was he?

 

“What are you doing here?” Irene asks, finally standing before her. Of course, she notices the bag in Seulgi’s hand. Always observant. “Shopping by yourself?”

 

Trying to play it cool, Seulgi shrugs, “Yeah. Got bored at home.”

 

She stops herself from glancing over to the mysterious man. Or at least tries to. Unfortunately for her, she more than notices how close he was standing to Irene now having finally caught up. A little too comfortable. He gives her a polite smile.

 

“Bored, huh?” Irene replies, knowing full well what that meant. Suspicious eyes scan Seulgi all over before settling on the shopping bag. “Let me see what you bought.”

 

Irene leans in with a quick swipe, attempting to snatch the bag but Seulgi knew her well and fully expected it. She catches Irene by the wrist and keeps her bag out of reach.

 

“Chill, Irene,” Seulgi laughs at the other girl’s frowning face. “They’re not cigarettes.”

 

A familiar glare from Irene, one that Seulgi hadn’t seen in awhile.

 

“Or vapes. Or any kind of nicotine substance you can imagine. I promise,” Seulgi reassures, loosening her grip. It was as if she’d met Irene after ages past that the reunion had her all giddy inside. Try as she might, she couldn’t contain it. All Seulgi could do was smile.

 

With a skeptical look, arched brows and pursed lips, Irene pulls back still staring.  

 

“Okay,” Irene squints at her then soon her frown morphs into the same devious grin Seugi was oh so familiar with and honestly missed. “So, you miss me yet?” she asks teasingly.

 

Did Seulgi miss Irene? Yes. Was Seulgi going to admit it right here and now to her face where she could rub it in? No. Of course not.

 

Seulgi rolls her eyes with a scoff, “Please, I’m perfectly fine. You know, finally got some peace and quiet and--”

 

“You’re such a bad liar,” Irene interrupts, smirking rather confidently.

 

A rising heat crawls up and Seulgi puts her best efforts into saving herself from complete embarrassment. With a breath of feigned confidence, Seulgi maintains her ground, “I’m not lying.”

 

Once again, they bicker like they always do.

 

“Yes you are.”

 

“No I’m not.”

 

“Just say you missed me.”

 

“Irene--”

 

“Ahem,” a man’s voice clears the air.

 

Both girls stop and turn. The suited man gives a little wave, reminding them of his presence. Irene instantly bows and apologizes, “Oh, sorry Changwook. This is my friend Seulgi.” She ushers the man forward by the arm, closer to her, “Seulgi, this is Ji Changwook, the son of our company’s CEO.”

 

Son of a CEO. A rather impressive and intimidating title. Seulgi bows her head respectfully.

 

“Nice to meet you.”

 

He returns the gesture without so much as as hair falling out of place, “Likewise.”

 

Crap. Why did he seem so flawless?

 

“He came to visit and observe the company during our recent project,” Irene elaborates. “I was put in charge of showing him around.”

 

“Ah, so that’s what you’ve been up to,” Seulgi nods. So that meant that for the past two weeks, Irene and Mr. Ji were probably with each other day in and day out. Getting morning coffee together at work, attending meetings, eating lunch--she quickly shakes the thought from her head, not wanting to dwell on it any further. Though a tinge of jealousy was already crawling underneath her skin.

 

“Yep, we just stopped by the mall for a quick breather. Who knew I’d end up seeing you here, Kang Seulgi?” Her name rolls off like dripping honey and Irene smiles at her sweetly. Seulgi was beginning to wonder if the other girl was aware of how teasing her voice sounded. Probably a habit from how playful she was.

 

“Sorry to keep Irene so busy,” Changwook’s voice interrupts her thoughts. “I know I’ve been occupying a lot of her time. I’ll be leaving this week though so you’ll be able to catch up soon, I’m sure.”

 

“N-No worries,” Seulgi scrambles with her reply.

 

“Your friend is quite the amazing person though. Irene has been nothing short of helpful. Not to mention she’s absolutely outstanding company.”

 

Changwook looks at her with this sort of sparkle. One that Seulgi was very much familiar with. A mix of admiration and infatuation. She was sure it was only a matter of time before this man fell head over heels for Irene--if he wasn’t already that is. A planted seed that had already sprouted and was rapidly growing.  

 

Seulgi smiles softly, “I couldn’t agree more.”

 

And for a brief moment her eyes lock onto Irene’s before returning back to Changwook, careful not to linger.

 

“I’m quite envious that you two are so close,” he laughs when suddenly an alarm sounds off from his watch. “Ah, sorry Seulgi but Irene and I have got to get going now. Our next meeting is in half an hour.” He grabs Seulgi’s hand, giving her a parting handshake. “Very nice meeting you.”

 

“You too,” Seulgi manages to say in a daze as she watches him walk away with Irene following. As the latter pulls up next to her, she gives Seulgi a light punch to the arm and walks on.

 

“Bye Seulgi!” she yells as the distance between them grows greater and greater. “Make sure you go straight home, no unnecessary detours!”

 

“I got it, I got it! Go have fun at your meeting!”

 

“I’ll text you when I can!”

 

“Don’t worry about it!” Seulgi yells amidst the sea of people but both Irene and Changwook have disappeared out of sight. Her voice trails off to a whisper, “Take care.”

 

--

 

Heavy feet drag across her carpet. She sets her bag on top of the coffee table and collapses onto her couch with a heavy sigh. Limbs sprawled this way and that, exhausted for whatever reason. Seulgi groans in frustration, burying her face into the couch seat.

 

It smelled of lavender. Just like everything else.

 

She rolls over onto her back, staring at the ceiling. Was it wrong to feel so irritated? Irene wasn’t obligated to spend every day with Seulgi. The girl was free to do whatever she pleased, whenever she pleased, and with whomever she pleased. And being out with Changwook wasn’t even a real social affair. It was work, simply a part of her job. But who’s to say they didn’t partake in socializing freely of their own volition--because Irene wanted to spend time with him? Because they wanted to spend time with each other? Not just for work.

 

“Gahhhhhh,” Seulgi grumbles.

 

She was too spoiled by Irene’s attention. That was it. So why does she have to go and overthink something so trivial especially when it wasn’t any of her business? The answer? Because it was Irene. All threads lead back to her and Seulgi finds herself caught in a loop of annoying thoughts. It was worse than craving for a cigarette. Well, not nearly as bad but almost. Honestly, she just felt like crap.

 

How did Seulgi not realize it sooner, that Irene already had her buried deep six feet under the ground. Just for her. Fallen so deep.

 

She stares at the bag on the coffee table and sits up on the couch, cocking her head at it. The plastic rustles as she pulls out its contents, setting both the stuffed bunny and candle on the table. Why did she buy these? Because they reminded her of Irene. Because she wanted to thank her. Because she wanted to give her something nice. Maybe make her smile. Or was she hoping for something more? But there was nothing to expect. So what was the point? Conflicting thoughts, confusing feelings, they all violently swirled in her mind like a tornado.

 

God, she could use a smoke right now. Seulgi should have been more wary and taken Wendy’s words seriously.

 

All things strange and beautiful.

 

Seulgi glares hard at the bunny as if she were boring holes into its stuffing. It’s shining beady eyes mocked her, almost teasing her with a grin just as Irene would. She could practically see it. And Seulgi knocks the toy over on its side.

 

Defeated, she curls into a ball on the couch, grabbing Irene’s purple blanket off the arm and draping it over herself. With the bottom half of her face concealed by purple furry fabric, a muffled whisper escapes her.

 

“Why am I such an idiot?”

 

She closes her eyes for a nap, hoping to sleep her frustrations off--if only temporarily.

 
 

//

 

 

3 months of Cold Turkey

 

“Seulgi did you get all those reports I requested?”

 

Mr. Kim walks in with an aura of urgency. Rarely did Seulgi ever see her boss idle for more than five minutes. He was always busy especially recently with the conference being hosted at their company this year. Which, in turn, made Seulgi extremely busy as well because for whatever reason, she was somehow became his favorite employee in the past week. Meaning, everything he was unable to do or every little thing he needed, well, Seulgi was the answer.

 

“Yes sir,” Seulgi quickly rises from her chair. “I put them over there on your desk. It’s the vanilla envelope.”

 

“Good.” The seemingly permanent scowl on his face relaxes a bit, an indication of his satisfaction. “After my board meeting I have another task for you. Be ready to accompany me when I get back.”

 

And like all the times previously, he’s left the room before Seulgi can even finish, “Yes sir!”

 

She falls back into her chair with a loud grunt.

 

“You hanging in there?” Wendy asks, taking a seat in front of Seulgi at the edge of the latter’s desk.

 

“Why is the chairman only asking me to do all of this? I’m obviously not the only one who works here.”

 

There were about 20 other employees working in this small open office, which was just one of many on this floor alone. Count every person working for the company under this building and literally, you easily had over 500 people to boss around and delegate work to.

 

So why is it, of all the rotten luck, Seulgi was the sole chosen one?

 

“True,” her best friend nods as she steals a bite from the apple on Seulgi’s desk and rolls it in her hand. “But if you look at everyone’s work output you seem to be the fastest. Mr. Kim is a man who likes quick results, hence why you’re being swamped. And despite everything being thrown at you, you’re getting everything done on time.”

 

Wendy takes another bite, an audible juicy crunch. She tosses the fruit into the air with a spin, giving it a few twirls and then eats more. Midair, Seulgi snatches the apple before it lands back into Wendy’s palm. At this rate, she was going to eat the whole thing—the only food Seulgi brought with her today.

 

“I’m getting it all done because it’s my job.”

 

“And that’s why he’s trusted you with everything,” Wendy explains simply. “But hey, seriously, are you alright?”

 

Leaning in closer, Wendy takes Seulgi by the chin, directing her head left then right. Her eyes resembled that of a concerned mother, “You’re looking a bit pale.”

 

“I haven’t had much sleep since we started preparing for the conference last week,” Seulgi sighs as she gently undoes herself from Wendy. The girl continues listening with the same worried look. ”I’ve also been helping plan crap for my upcoming family reunion on my dad’s birthday. My mom’s been bothering me nonstop whenever I’m off work. The other day my washer broke so I’ve got to get that repaired and--you know what, Wendy? I really want to smoke right now.”

 

Force of habit. Or rather, force of addiction. Seulgi’s been holding steadfast in resisting the temptation. But it was becoming undoubtedly clearer that with every problem she faced, every emotional breakdown--every time she just couldn’t, she had one solution: smoking.

 

”If Irene were here I’m sure she would’ve smacked that thought right out of your head,” Wendy chuckles softly.

 

“It’s not just a thought though. I’ve been really itching for it, Wendy,” Seulgi whines like a child and she slumps in her chair, demoralized. How long was this going to keep happening to her?

 

“But you haven’t gone back to smoking or anything right?”

 

Seulgi’s hair sways side to side as she shakes her head with the tiniest bit of effort she didn’t care to muster. Right now, she just wanted to rest.

 

“Good. Have you told Irene or tried asking for advice?”

 

“No. I’ve been relying on her too much,” Seulgi groans, earning a slap on her thigh from Wendy to stop looking like a deadbeat and sit up.

 

After the miserable period of basically not having Irene around, Seulgi discovered she was too dependent on the other girl. And so, she kept to herself a little bit more, hoping to strengthen her resolve on her own.

 

“I’m fine now. I just needed to let off some steam. That’s it.”

 

“Are you sure?” Wendy the worrywart was surfacing and Seulgi definitely didn’t want to deal with that.

 

“Yeah,” Seulgi replies with the most convincing smile she could spawn at the moment. “Do you mind buying a snack or something for me before Mr. Kim comes back to whisk me away? I haven’t eaten anything all day.”

 

That should do it.

 

Wendy pushes herself off the desk as she pats Seulgi’s crown with a stare so tender and loving, Seulgi couldn’t help but truly smile. Her best friend was much too caring and much too kind for anyone.

 

“Sure, no problem.”

 

She watches Wendy’s form disappear beyond the hall. Then, there’s a sudden buzzing and Seulgi fishes her cell phone from her pocket, knowing exactly who it was before even having to look.

 

Irene: So how’s work been so far? Stressful?

 

Crap.

 

Despite Seulgi’s efforts to be less reliant and of course, more discreet so not to worry anyone or give in to dark desires, she was sure Irene knew. Both Irene and Wendy had a knack for knowing. A very annoying knack that was instinct to them, making it exceedingly difficult and unfair for Seulgi.  

 

For a minute, Seulgi contemplates on just telling her the truth. It would probably be best. But then Seulgi would never learn to deal with this on her own. She had to learn. Help was fine--she’s had help from Irene since day one. But now it was up to her. In the end, if she can’t sustain on her own, then what’s the point?

 

She types back her reply.

 

Seulgi: Not too bad. Just a bit busy.  

 

And she bites her lip as she drums her fingers along the edge of her desk.

 

--

 

“See you tomorrow!” Irene waves as she walks in the opposite direction.

 

Tonight was one of the rare nights they didn’t walk home together as Irene already had plans. A little get together with old college friends. From what she’s told Seulgi, they were a close-knit group even until this day. They just didn’t meet as much after graduating due to other commitments that have come up, namely their jobs. One or two them lived out of the city as well, so commuting was another factor.

 

It only made Seulgi wonder what type of people were so close to Irene and if the latter had changed at all compared to her college days. An interesting thought.  

 

“Bye, have fun at your reunion! Remember to play nice!” Seulgi waves back, yelling louder as the distance grew between them.

 

Irene rolls her eyes.

 

“Very funny. Make sure you go straight home!” she warns but when Seulgi doesn’t immediately respond and keeps walking, Irene plants her feet with a stomp, the volume of her voice booming. “Hey, are you listening to me?!”

 

With a bit of a chuckle, Seulgi spins on her heel to look back at the elder whose expression was adorably distressed from her strained yelling.

 

“Got it, mom. See ya!”

 

Seulgi manages to elicit a cheeky grin from Irene and she shouts back one last time, “See ya!”

 

--

 

Feeling utterly burnt out, Seulgi makes her way back home with slow heavy strides. The dim streetlights did little to keep her awake or even illuminate her path as she nearly trips over a rock the size of a baseball just lying in the middle of the sidewalk. Then again, perhaps it was her own fault for not seeing such a hazard in the first place. She blamed work for that--for her lack of perception, for everything really.

 

She blamed her boss for his endless wants and needs, her mom for her indecisiveness in all their planning, and faulty technology for her broken washer. She blamed all of them for making her feel so tired. Tired, weak, and on edge. She hated feeling like crap. Seulgi was badly in need of some unwinding. So as she nears the street of her apartment, with eyes half-lidded, barely awake, she visits the tiny local convenience store. One pack of ramen. A Red Bull. Some chips. And lastly, a pack of beer she may or may not drink. But why not buy it just in case she wanted to take her “unwinding” up a notch.  

 

As she sets everything on counter for the cashier, she fumbles through wallet, taking out her card. And in her peripheral vision, her eyes focus and linger on the glass case of cigarettes behind the counter. An unhealthy dinner of ramen and chips whilst marathoning some show on Netflix. Accompanied by a beer in her hand, a red bull at the ready, and a cigarette between her lips.

 

It was an enticing vision. Yes, that’s how she should unwind.

 

“Excuse me, miss? Did you want to buy a pack?” the cashier brings her back to reality, pointing at the case behind him as he took notice of her staring.

 

“Uh,” her eyebrows slightly scrunch together and before she could even truly think it through, something within her speaks first, “Yes, please. Just one Marlboro.”

 

“You got it.”

 

Just one, one should be fine, she tells herself. One pack. Twenty cigs. Barely anything, a voice lurking in the shadows of her mind convince her further.

 

Just this one time.


Just this one time.

 

Just this one time.

 

The twitches start. It was never just one time, was it? One time--one time is all it takes for her to succumb. All the excuses, all the voices telling her she could get away with it. They’re wrong.

 

“Just the classic Marlboro, right?” he turns around, waving a red pack for Seulgi’s approval.

 

“I’m sorry, I changed my mind. Forget the Marlboro,“ she says and in the corner of eye along the nearby rack, she picks out a familiar metal tin and sets it on the counter with the other items. “I’ll take these mints instead.”

 

He looks at her strangely but then shrugs with a smile, “Okay, sounds good. Smoking’s not very appealing anyway.”

 

“Oh, you think so?” Seulgi asks in surprise.

 

“Yeah, I absolutely hate smoking but I work here and have to handle it sometimes.”

 

A small bit of laughter escapes her.

 

“You sound like someone I know. They hate it, too.”

 
 

//

 
 

Knees curled in front of her, Seulgi hunches in front of her laptop. The brightness of her LED screen a little too much of her eyes causing her to squint from the strain. Chiclet keys sound off at every new search she tries on google.

 

How did you quit smoking?

 

Enter. Seulgi scrolls down the results, checks out about five or so then tries another query.

 

What helps you quit smoking?

 

Seulgi chances upon a reddit of ex-smokers, each telling their own experiences and what actually helped them quit or has helped them during their ongoing process of quitting. A lot of users transitioned to vaping. The girl sighs, that option definitely wasn’t on the table. Others quit by sheer will power or realized the harm that habit was doing to their body. Seulgi gawked in amazement from their resolve. She’s mostly certain that she wouldn’t have been one of those people. Lastly, a good chunk of these ex-smokers quit for family or friends it seemed. A man for his wife. A lady for her unborn baby. A best friend who showed concerned. That latter certainly rang with Seulgi.

 

She tries another search.

 

Ways to quit smoking.

 

Another link or two and Seulgi takes a few notes.

 

Get physical. She her chin in thought. She could start doing some morning runs on the weekends again and then some late night runs after work. That could be something. She writes it down.

 

Practice relaxation techniques. Breathing exercises, meditation, listening to calming music. Wendy could certainly help her in that department. She scribbles again.

 

Remind yourself of the benefits.

 

“Hmm,” she hums in thought. She’s always known why smoking was bad but just common knowledge. What you always heard and what they preached at schools. But she never did any extensive research for herself. She reads more of the details on the tip.

 

Write down or say out loud the reasons you want to stop smoking and resist tobacco cravings.

 

Not a bad exercise. It could be beneficial. A good reminder to keep on hand.

 

Seulgi begins to list the the first things that come to mind. As she proceeds down the page, she pauses, biting the clip of her pen. All of these were good reasons and yet, there was only one that really mattered. Too shy to say it aloud, she barely writes the last thing with nervous hands.

 

 

//

 
 

4 months of Cold Turkey

 

The past month had been better. Much better. Four months and Seulgi finally felt as though she got her act together. Better late than never is what they always said. Though, she would have of course preferred to have had a smoother ride going Cold Turkey. It was still a bit of a challenge but she believes she has everything sorted out.

 

Irene thought so too. Even said it herself.

 

“You’ve been looking a lot better lately. What’s going on?” she asked with a curious smile and sparkling eyes.

 

“Just, you know,” Seulgi shrugs, “I’ve been feeling pretty good about myself.”

 

Irene lifts Seulgi’s hand by the wrist, examining her fingers before holding it tight with both of her hands.

 

“Do you still get twitchy?”

 

“Lately?” Seulgi thinks to herself for a moment. “Not at all.”

 

“Good.”

 

And it was all the reassurance she needed as a smile is reflected on both of their lips.

 

At first, Seulgi could barely make it through her runs. Huffing and puffing for breath, as if her lungs would give out.She struggled to even make a decent lap around her neighborhood. It was exhausting but at the same time it felt good. She felt...revitalized. Day by day, she got better and before she knew it, Seulgi found herself enjoying her time running. No longer was it just an exercise in her Cold Turkey endeavor, now it was a hobby.

 

Irene was, of course, surprised to hear of it.

 

“Wow, running? I thought you were a lazy bum,” Irene expressed in bewilderment.

 

Seulgi’s eyes widen as she stutters, feeling somewhat offended, “W-What the? What gave you that idea?”

 

With a tentative finger, Irene taps her chin and a mischievous smile cracks upon her lips, “I don’t know? Maybe the fact that you barely move. I see you lazing around all the time when I’m over. You’re like a bear in hibernation!” A playful punch is thrown, hitting Seulgi right in the gut. The latter hunches over a bit dramatically pretending to be more hurt than she really was, and groaning as she called Irene some kind of sadist. The elder watches her writhe in fake pain, a look of amusement present on her face.

 

“Are you trying to buy time for some counterarguments?” she teases.

 

Quitting her act, Seulgi straightens up in her seat, “No…”

 

“Liar.”

 

“Fine, you’re right. But!” Seulgi pauses for emphasis and with the stupidest grin on her face, she says,. “I’m a bear out of hibernation now.”

 

Irene gives her a playful shove and giggles, “You’re ridiculous.”

 

--

 

Days pass by one by one and from everything Seulgi has learned, every readjustment she’s made to her lifestyle, whether of her own volition or forced by a certain someone, she can’t deny that it’s all turned out for the better. Because now, now it didn’t feel like a struggle. Now, she was undeniably happier. And Seulgi smiles at the note her hand, thankful for the biggest influence for her change.

 

“What’s that?”

 

Seulgi jumps in a panic, startled by Irene’s sudden arrival. Quickly, she folds the note, trying to be careful and discreet. Yet, she knows this only further garners Irene’s interest. She arrived at the bus stop a few minutes earlier than usual. Seulgi should’ve paid attention.

 

Dang it.

 

“Ah, t-this?” Seulgi stutters, trying to nonchalantly wave the note and change subject. “It’s nothing really.”

 

“Nothing, huh?” Irene repeats, her voice dripping with doubt. “Then, why are you acting so weird?”

 

“No reason.”

 

“Seulgi,” she takes a step closer. “Are you going to tell me what it is? Or do I have to forcefully take it? Because you know I’ll do it.”

 

Indeed, she would. Seulgi wouldn’t put it past her. And it seems there was no way, Irene would just dismiss the subject either. Way to get caught, Seulgi tells herself.

 

Her shoulders fall with a defeated sigh, “Fine. It’s a list I made a few weeks back. I made it to help me resist my temptations.”

 

She unfolds the paper, trying to straighten it out. Heavy crease marks every which way from how frequently Seulgi would fold and unfold it. It’s texture worn out, feeling like tissue as she always kept it in her pocket.

 

“Really?” Irene’s brows knit together in wonder. She probably expected it to be something else.

 

She takes a seat near Seulgi and the latter scoots away just a bit, keeping her prying eyes at bay. Seulgi knew full well Irene would try to sneak a peek if she could. And she tried doing exactly that. When Seulgi moves, Irene glares at her.

 

“Well, what do you have written on it?” Irene asks sweetly, it was her way of getting what she wanted.

 

Seulgi’s cheeks flare for an instant as she looks down on at the contents of her note. Curse Irene and curious tendencies. She wasn’t the only one to blame though. If Seulgi was a good liar and kept her cool then this could have very well been avoided or postponed till later. She thinks about lying again, maybe give it another shot. But when she looks back at Irene, her eyes sparkling in anticipation, Seulgi feels her insides knot up. How could she lie to that?

 

“U-Uh,” Seulgi rubs the back of her neck. She hated choking up like this. “I-I was looking for some advice online after almost slipping up this one night. And one of the tips I found was to just write or say out loud my reasons for quitting. So...that’s what I did and that’s what this paper is,” Seulgi explains shyly. “I, uh, just like to keep it with me as a reminder. It helps.”

 

“And?” Irene inquires with a playful tone.

 

“And what?”

 

The response earns Seulgi a slap on the shoulder and she knows her attempt in playing off Irene’s earlier question didn’t work.

 

“What did you write down?”

 

“Why do you want to know?”

 

“Just tell me!”

 

“You’re so nosy!”

 

“Kang Seulgi,” Irene gives her this sly look, one that entailed misfortune for Seulgi should she not obey. “If you don’t tell me, I told you, I’ll rip that paper out of your hands and read it myself. You know I will. Do I have to remind you a third time?”

 

Irene makes a move to come closer and Seulgi quickly throws her hands up, conceding, “Relax, I was just teasing. Of course, I’ll tell you. God, you’re so violent sometimes.”


Having won, Irene grins to herself and Seulgi shakes her head, “One day we’re going to have to talk about this problem of yours. You know, threatening and hitting people. I think that should be next after I’m completely smoke free.”

 

A death glare is sent her way.

 

“Kidding! Kidding!” Seulgi nervously laughs. Man, Irene was hard to tame. “Right, ahem, so my note,” she clears . “Uh, well first I wrote that some of the consequences, bad things I didn’t want like cancer, , and heart problems.”

 

Irene nods, her eyes not blinking. The amount of attentiveness made Seulgi sweat.

 

“Then, I wrote my family--of course--they never asked me to stop but they were never fond of my smoking habit--”

 

“Addiction,” Irene corrects her.

 

“Right,” Seulgi scratches her cheek. “And I wrote down Wendy’s name. She was there when I started smoking, she understood why I did it better than anyone. She didn’t support it, but she understood, and well, she’s stuck by me till now. She tried to help me quit before but it never worked. But of course, this time is different.”

 

Seulgi fumbles with the edges, should she continue on? Her eyes wander to Irene’s and in those eyes, her gaze, was a strange fondness that made Seulgi’s ears burn. Why was she looking at her like that?

 

“I-Is there something on my face?”

 

“No,” Irene giggles.

 

“Then why are you looking at me like that?”

 

It was an understatement to say she was beginning to feel a little self conscious. Not that she wasn’t nervous enough already.  

 

“Because the Seulgi I first met would’ve probably never done something like this,” she giggles. “You’ve really changed and for the better. I didn’t force you to start running or to do these kinds of exercises to help you. You took it upon yourself. You made these changes all on your own. It was all you.”

 

She pokes Seulgi on the nose and the latter flinches, tilting her head back and blinking in confusion. The reaction elicits more giggles from the elder.

 

“Soon, I think Kang Seulgi won’t need my help anymore, huh?” And she smiles in a way that made Seulgi’s heart wrench. Somehow, she seemed rather sad at the sentiment or perhaps, it was Seulgi’s wishful thinking because she plays it off well. With a vibrant gleam in her eyes and a smile so pure, she says, “I’m proud of you.”

 

And at the most convenient of times, the bus arrives. Irene is the first to stand.

 

“Come on, let’s go.”

 

Seulgi lingers in her spot, just for a few seconds as she looks to the bottom of the paper. The last thing she wrote. Her biggest reason for quitting. And what she was too afraid to say out loud because God knows she’s a coward.

 

Bae Irene.

 

She bites her lip and once again, folds her note neatly and carefully before stuffing it into her pocket.   

 
 

//

 
 

5 months of Cold Turkey

 

“So,” Wendy approaches her in the midst of her lunch break, bringing her own chair too. Whatever she wanted to talk about it was going to be a while.

 

“So?” Seulgi repeats, taking another slurp from her cup of ramen.

 

Wendy props both elbows on the table, cradling her chin in both of her palms. Batting her eyelashes like the wings of butterflies, she purses her lips to keep herself from smiling too wide. Seulgi knew exactly where this was going.

 

“Tell me. Exactly how hard did you fall for Irene?”

 

Seulgi rolls her eyes, takes another slurp, and wipes with the back of her hand.

 

“You’re so predictable, Wendy.”

 

Wendy scoffs at the comment, “You’re one to talk. Come on, just answer the question.”

 

But she decides to pay her best friend no mind as she continues on with her lunch. All she wanted was some peace and quiet, some time for herself to eat her most favorite of unhealthy foods. And here Wendy was, causing a ruckus again. If it wasn’t Irene bothering her, surely Wendy was. They were both alike in that sense. Then when she goes in for another round of noodles, the cup is scooped right out of her grasp by none other than the annoying little munchkin she called her best friend.

 

“Wendy! Are you--”

 

“Answer the question, Kang, and then I’ll give you your lunch back. Simple as that,” Wendy demands. Seulgi might’ve tried to snatch it back but Wendy held her lunch so carelessly, she was afraid it’d end up spilling on the floor if they had any kind of struggle over it.

 

“Fine. What was the question again?”

 

Wendy smile triumphantly, “How hard did you catch feelings for Irene?”

 

Seulgi heaves a heavy sigh and she looks at Wendy dead in the eye, “Pretty hard.”

 

Needless to say, Wendy was utterly satisfied with the answer as she jumps a bit in her seat, giddy, and nearly throws the cup of ramen at Seulgi instead of setting it properly on the table. The latter catches it in time and tries to resume eating. Yet the onslaught of questions is far from over so she refrains herself from eating again just yet.

 

“Sooooooo.” Wendy sings, “when do you plan on telling her?”

 

“I didn’t plan on telling her at all.”

 

Abruptly, the shorter slams the table with both hands, causing it to shake. Seulgi protects her lunch from falling over, knowing Wendy well enough to have expected the reaction before it happened.

 

“What?! Why not? Is she already dating someone?”

 

“Not sure?” Seulgi answers honestly. She’d never asked Irene about her love life. She only knew of the close friends the latter would occasionally get together with but that was it. They never spoke of her dating life or what suitors she had, though Seulgi was sure she had many. How could someone like her not? But the only person Seulgi could possibly think of was that man, Ji Changwook, and that was strictly work, or so she hopes. It was another thing Seulgi never asked Irene about, possibly, for fear of an answer she did not want.

 

“I’ve seen her out with someone before but whether she’s single or not doesn’t really matter,” Seulgi shrugs, swirling her soup around with her chopsticks. “I just like being around her and I’m fine with that.”

 

Wendy stares at her, a look of pity Seulgi was very much accustomed to receiving from her.

 

“You’re tragic, Kang,” Wendy sighs to herself. “You’re always like this. So what, you’re not even going to try?”

 

“I don’t know. I’m sure Irene’s not interested me in that way and plus, she definitely deserves someone better.”

 

This was something Seulgi truly believed in. Irene was nothing short of an amazing person. It was only natural she be with someone who was worth her time, someone who could be her equal, someone just as amazing as she was. That someone wasn’t her. Far from it.

 

“And I’m fine with just being friends,” Seulgi adds on with a smile, just a small tug at the corner of her lips. Barely noticeable, barely felt.

 

“Well then, what happens when this is done? This operation or whatever, and you’re done with smoking? She might not stick around as much anymore and she might not be with you all the time like she has been. What then? You’re going to be sad and lonely, Seulgi. I know you are,” Wendy asks her a barrage of questions she’s yet to formulate a definite answer to. “I mean, yeah, you’re friends but you like her a lot more than that. You want to be with her more than usual, see her more than usual. Have you thought about that?”

 

Of course, she’s thought about it. It’s the first thing that’s always popped up in her mind recently. That’s why she’s done her best to push those thoughts away and avoid those questions because they only made her ache. She didn’t want to feel that, not now, it would only make it harder later. So she tells Wendy the same answer she’s repeated to herself countless times, the only thing she could come up with.

 

“I know and I’ll just have to deal with it,” Seulgi tries harder to smile.

 

Wendy can only shake her head, disappointed and disheartened from her best friend’s answer.

 

“You really do frustrate me sometimes.”

 

“I know.”

 

And Wendy pulls her in for a hug.

 
 

//

 
 

6 months of Cold Turkey

 

All the way back to her apartment, Irene was wearing this conspicuous little grin on her face. She might’ve tried to hide it as Seulgi catches her biting the corner of her lip every once in awhile. Still, it did her little good. If anything, it became more apparent that Irene was planning something. A trick up her sleeve, either a delight or a punishment for Seulgi. Naturally, Seulgi assumes it’s the latter. After all, it was one of Irene’s favorite things to do, messing with her. Even said it herself.

 

The click of the lock, Seulgi hesitates before opening the door, side glancing to where Irene stood just a few feet next to her. Finally, Irene doesn’t hold back and a giant smile nearly takes over her entire face.

 

“Let’s go in,” she insists.

 

Her enthusiasm was frighteningly suspicious.

 

So with the utmost caution, Seulgi gives the door a light shove, afraid something might possibly jump out but her jaw drops and her eyes widen like saucer plates as she looks into her apartment. In the midst of her confusion and amazement, Irene quickly slides past her and darts into the living room, throwing her arms up in glee.

 

“Surprise!” Irene cheers.

 

Balloons of all colors, but mostly purple, covered her entire ceiling. Party streamers you might see on birthdays decorated her walls, which were mostly purple as well. All along with a dinner table full of Seulgi’s favorite foods, which were far from exquisite. Pringles, cup ramen, spicy rice cakes from the street vendors, and fried chicken included despite the fact Irene didn’t eat much of it. She was salivating at the sight. But to top it all off was the banner that hung at the farthest wall opposite from where Seulgi stood, smack-dab in your face when you walk through the door. In huge bold letters it said SMOKE-FREE!. It was utterly ridiculous and out of place amongst everything else and yet, so fitting that Seulgi ended up loving it and laughed.

 

“Wait, how did you--”

 

“Wendy let me borrow her spare key so I could prepare all of this,” Irene quickly replies, clearly satisfied at Seulgi’s reaction.

 

“But when? You had work today--”

 

“I pretended to have work today,” Irene corrects her. “I actually took the day off so I could do this.”

 

Still standing in the doorway, Seulgi stares blankly at everything, processing. She wasn’t used to surprises. Didn’t really experience many of such things in her life--the good kind, at least. How do you react when someone does something like this for you?

 

“All of this,” she takes a breath, “for me?”

 

There was no other way to put it, Seulgi was in awe. She was about to ask another question but Irene runs up to her, laughing as she gets a closer look at how dumbfounded Seulgi was and then pulls her by the wrist towards the dinner table.

 

“Yes. All of this is for you. Now, let’s eat!”

 

Seeing everything on the table, Seulgi doesn’t know where to start. If she could just vacuum everything into her stomach at once she would. But the aroma of grease and seasoned batter cooked to a crisp allures her and her fingers crawl across the table straight to the fried chicken. Irene on the opposite end of the table has already dove into her ramen. For the next hour or so all they did was eat and talk.

 

After their meal, Seulgi takes a long sip from her juice box and sighs in satisfaction. She might have gained ten pounds but who cares, right? She certainly didn’t.

 

“I can barely move,” Seulgi says, sliding downward until her barely sat at the edge.

 

Irene’s eyes roam across the table and she giggles, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to eat nearly everything.”

 

Neither did Seulgi but somehow it happened. She takes another sip of her juice, the cool liquid travels down hitting the solid, heavy lump that was her stomach. The taste of fruits and berries linger on her tongue. With the support of the table, Seulgi properly seats herself. She looks to Irene in wonder. Irene’s eyes never left her. Not for a second. Always so watchful. And then Seulgi remembers the question she had forgotten before dinner.

 

“Oh yeah, I wanted to ask you something.”

 

Irene’s ears perk in curiosity.

 

“What?”

 

“Why?” Seulgi fiddles with the straw of her juice box. Twisting it back and forth. “Why’d you do all this?”

 

“Isn’t it obvious, why?”

 

The space between her brow wrinkles ever so slightly due to how oblvious Seulgi was. Apparently, the reason was clear and Seulgi had a guess. But this whole surprise was a little overkill for such a small thing and so she has second thoughts.

 

Irene lays her hands on the table, leaning closer against its edge, “It’s been six months--six months of cold turkey for you. I’d call that a success and with a huge accomplishment like this, it deserves a celebration.”

 

Turns out Seulgi’s guess was right.

 

“Does it really?” Seulgi laughs, doubtful that her accomplishment warranted such treatment.

 

“Yes it does, Seulgi. Look at me and listen carefully,” Irene tells her, the sound of her voice clear-cut and absolute. “Before I knew you, I watched you smoke every day of every morning. Not once did I see you without a cigarette between your fingers. I looked at you and you reminded me of my dad, a good person with a sad addiction. But life--life is worth so much more than the ashes of cigarettes.”

 

The last sentence echoes in Seulgi’s mind, words ringing in her ear, and she vaguely remembers hearing it once before.

 

“That’s why, when you called out to me for the first time, I decided I was going to do something. So I forced you to stop. I watched you struggle in so many ways--you grovelled, you sank, you nearly gave up. Then finally, you decided to do it for yourself. You asked me to continue helping you and I did. But for these past few months, it was you. You did this on your own. You persevered and that is something to be proud of. Because personally, I am beyond proud of you. And that’s why,” Irene lifts her arms, looking all around her, showing Seulgi once more, “this celebration is more than deserved.”

 

A sudden heat swells at the center of Seulgi’s chest and she can barely look Irene in the eye. She opens to speak. Once. Twice. Then for a third time, finally, she manages to say with a sheepish grin, “I… Thanks, Irene.”

 

The shorter girl nods with a smile and claps her hands together, “And with all that said, I’m calling Operation: Smoke-free Kang Seulgi complete.”

 

Seulgi blinks in surprise as she feels a sense of joy flutter in her gut.

 

“Wow, complete huh? I have to say, it feels good.”

 

“It should. Do you remember at all, what it tastes like?”

 

Seulgi’s tongue touches the roof of , rubbing in thought. Bitter. Dry. Burning. It was all she was able to recollect.

 

“Faintly,” Seulgi answers. “But I’d rather not try to remember it at all.”

 

A look of satisfaction.

 

“Good,” Irene smiles. “Because let me just say, smoking absolutely .”

 

As if Seulgi didn’t already know how Irene felt. The comment utters a laugh from her and it’s contagious as Irene joins in as well. Looking back now, Seulgi would’ve never guessed that it would turn out like this. That they would turn out like this. Especially with their unbelievably rough start, at least for Seulgi it was.

 

“Hey,” Seulgi says, “do you remember when this all started and you forced me out into the rain for smoking my morning cigarette?”

 

Irene suddenly giggles so hard, her body flopped from side to side in her chair, “Oh my God! Yes! You fell flat on your !” She wipes a tear from her eye. “Good times.”

 

“For you,” Seulgi scoffs because she was quite certain her experience was not nearly as enjoyable as Irene’s throughout this operation.

 

“And what about you? Don’t tell me, looking back now, that you didn’t enjoy yourself as well.”

 

“Me?” Seulgi arches a brow. “Did I enjoy getting bullied? Being forced to quit smoking? Being harassed by the devil herself every day for the past few months? You’re asking me if I enjoyed all of that?”

 

A scowl begins to form on Irene’s face but Seulgi stifles a chuckle that threatened to end her teasing. She feigns indifference and with a half-hearted shrug and a crooked smile, she says, “Ehhh, I guess. Can’t say I hated it in the end.”

 

Irene rolls her eyes.

 

“I’m just kidding,” Seulgi snickers and grabs one of the nearby balloons by the string, giving it a sort of volleyball serve making it somewhat speedily float towards Irene’s face. The latter deflects it and playfully glares at her. Seulgi smiles with crescent-shaped eyes, “Seriously though, Irene. Thank you. I really couldn’t have done this without you.”

 

Because at the end of the day, at the end of six long, hard, gruelling months. Seulgi can’t say she hated it, that she detested it, that she wished it never happened. Because after everything, this whole experience, her trials and the test of her conviction--it was most definitely worth it. Would she have changed any of it? Not a chance. After all, had things been any different, she may have never met or gotten to know Irene.

 

All of this, everything that happened, she was certainly grateful for it all.

 

Irene raises her half-empty juice box for a toast, “Congrats, Seulgi.”

 

Seulgi joins her, lifting hers as well, “Thanks.”

 

At the same time, they shout, “Operation complete!”

 

They toast and finish off the rest of their juice. Yet, it was odd how the flavor of fruit punch was suddenly so bitter to Seulgi. Perhaps, it was the feeling of loneliness finally starting to settle in. She looks to Irene who got up to put in a movie.

 

She might not stick around as much anymore and she might not be with you all the time like she has been. What then?

 

You’re going to be sad and lonely, Seulgi. I know you are.

 

From today onward, things were going to change between them. For better or worse, Seulgi accepted it.

 

//

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

3 Weeks after Operation: Smoke-free Kang Seulgi is complete

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Seulgi stands at the corner of the street, peeking her head out every now and then to scout the oncoming traffic. The bus wasn’t very timely as of late. And the later it arrived, the longer Seulgi had to endure the morning cold. Not something she was exactly fond of. She pops another mint into . The icy fresh sensation stings her nose when she sniffles just a bit, causing her to wince. It certainly helped her to stay awake.

 

Patiently waiting, she rocks back and forth on her heels. Birds chirping, cars speeding by, and the faint sound of footsteps approaching. Closer and closer, louder by the second. Her lips purse together as she recognizes the unbalanced rhythm of their strides. Seulgi always thought it was similar to an infant or maybe a penguin. Very distinct. She pretends not to notice.

 

The footsteps come to a halt. Seulgi could feel her presence right beside her. She needn’t look.

 

“How’s it going stranger?”

 

It’s the first time she’s heard that voice in days. With unbelievable determination, she resists smiling and ignores the greeting.

 

“Hey!”

 

A throb of pain causes her to lose all composure as she’s elbowed in the gut. Teasing her always had its consequences. Seulgi finally looks to her side, acknowledging the presence of the girl.

 

“Oh, Irene?” she squints her eyes as if she had forgotten what the girl looked like. More teasing.

 

“What the heck are you acting all surprised for?”

 

Irene gives her shove that nearly sends her stumbling into the road.

 

“Can you blame me?” Seulgi tries not to laugh. “No sign of you in almost three weeks, I almost forgot what you looked like. I thought you went up and left.”

 

“Oh please,” the shorter girl scoffs, “I told you I was going on a company trip for two weeks.”

 

Seulgi scratches her head, putting on a fool’s act as if she didn’t remember. When in truth she’d been counting the days until Irene would return. But of course, she would never admit to doing so. This was much more fun and telling Irene how she really felt was just utterly embarrassing.

 

“That’s a shame,” she sighs. “And here I thought that I was finally rid of you.”

 

“Rid of me? Yeah right.”

 

Seulgi folds her arms over her chest, putting a serious tone and the most convincing expression she could muster, “I was even thinking of how to replace you.” She hums in thought. “So far I’ve only considered getting a chihuahua. I figured it would do a good job of annoying me like you do.”

 

“Wow, are you comparing me to dog? I swear, I’m this close to smacking you, Seulgi.”

 

“Hmm, well I don’t think a chihuahua would be able to physically abuse me on the same level you, so I guess that’s not going to work. I’m going to have think of something better--OW!”

 

Irene threw a hard jab straight at Seulgi’s upper arm. The latter keels over in pain. She didn’t expect her to hit that hard. Note to self, learn when to stop.

 

“Yeah,” she utters, a mix of agonizing hissing and laughter, “I don’t think my future chihuahua can do that.”

 

Irene squats next to her, her hair falling a bit over the frame of her face but the smirk upon her lips could not be missed.

 

“You can’t replace me because I’m not going anywhere.”

 

And hearing that alone, makes her heart flutter. That one sentence, her eyes, her voice, enraptures Seulgi. In an instant, she’s forgotten all about her teasing game.

 

She asks in the tiniest whisper, “Is that so?”

 

As Irene would ever lie to her. Yet, she wanted to hear it. She needed to hear more.  

 

“I’m going to be sticking around for a long time, Kang Seulgi.” A vibrant gleam in her eyes, genuine and honest, tagged along with a smile so sweet, it reflected upon Seulgi’s face as well.

 

“Then, I guess, that’s perfectly fine be me. Who else is going to talk my ear off and nag me everyday?”

 

“No one. Not like I do.”

 

They laugh and Irene helps her to her feet. Rubbing the sore spot on Seulgi’s arm and apologizing for being overly violent. But at this point, Seulgi didn’t care. She was too mesmerized with the features of Irene’s face. So soft and delicate. Sculpted to perfection like porcelain. How someone like her existed, Seulgi didn’t know. But all prior doubts and fears of things changing between them dissipate. She was beyond thankful. Thankful for knowing someone like her and thankful that she stuck around. But most of all, thankful that Irene wasn’t going to leave her.

 

Because despite telling herself that she would be fine without Irene, seeing her less or not seeing her at all, Seulgi wanted her to stay--to be hers and remain by her side.

 

And unknowingly, lost in thought, Seulgi confesses out loud, “I’d like to keep you.”

 

Irene tilts her head to the side, surprised but calm as she spoke, “Keep me, huh?”

 

Always slow to react, Seulgi realizes what she had just said and how much weight those words held. Her ears and her cheeks burn crimson as she devolves into a stuttering mess.

 

“W-Wait--uh, what I meant was--”

 

Irene hushes her, pressing a finger to her lips.

 

“We’ll see. I’m not yours yet, Kang Seulgi,” Irene says with a sly grin on her lips. “You’ll have to work hard to get someone like me.”

 

Their bus pulls in and Irene walks towards its open doors to board it, expecting Seulgi to soon follow suit. But Seulgi remains still for a moment, baffled. A million thoughts run through her mind and her heart races like never before. This was it. No more being tragic, no more settling. It was time to try.

 

“Time for my own little operation,” Seulgi gives her cheeks a good slap, psyching herself up. “Operation: Make Irene Mine.”

 

The bus honks its horn, ready to depart, and Irene yells her name from an open window. Seulgi rushes in, taking her designated seat beside her as always.

 

Let the operation begin.

 
 

Fin.

 

--

 

a/n: finally! lol i know, i literally took forever to finish this but here we are. smoke and peppermint has been concluded! sorry for any spelling or grammatical errors i may have missed btw, my eyes are tired lol. also, it’s actually been a year since i started this fic, feels good to have it done. I apologize for taking so long with my updates, i usually get really busy starting in august, summer plans come up then a bunch of family birthdays in september and october, including mine. then we’ve got thanksgiving here in november and of course, christmas and new years in december and january. just kind of been all over the place lol but thank you all again for reading, thanks to those who subscribed, and thank you for all the wonderful comments =] they really make me happy. and for those who didn’t subscribe or are silent readers, thank you as well! i just hope that whoever has read this fic was able to enjoy it even if just a bit. now i’ll be focusing on writing the update for my new fic, temporarily yours. It may take some time though because of holidays but i will do my best =] i will also be replying to the comments on my carved in porcelain fic soon like i promise. Thanks again everyone! Woooooo~ and on that note, let’s all continue to love Red Velvet!

 
 
 
 
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serene09 #1
Chapter 4: reread I miss you authornim
hi_uuji #2
Chapter 1: Re-read!
railtracer08 394 streak #3
Chapter 4: Loved this💕
Def reminded me of how irene always stops seulgi from cracking her knuckles lol
Apcxjsv #4
Chapter 4: One of the best, thanks author-nim
Jensoo4everlove #5
Chapter 4: Damnnnn!!! I want a sequel 🥺❤❤
rrthecatfish #6
Chapter 4: omggg love it!! thank you so much!
cronoze #7
Chapter 4: ❤️❤️❤️
AnneTokki #8
Chapter 4: Awww, operation Make Irene Mine.
democratits #9
Chapter 4: This is so good!1!1!?? The journey you took us as we see their relationship grew is just great despite the straightforward and simple premise. The romance is more subtle than I’m used to when it comes to seulrene fics but god it made this fic even better. Thank you for writing this! <3
hi_uuji #10
Chapter 4: Wow, this is a simple story but I really like it. Your writing style and character development, it really impressed me. Also, I totally agree with the fact that sometimes we need other people to be our reason to change. I mean, yes, you change on your will, but when you have someone to see you at the 'finish line' of success, it makes you even more excited. Thank you for this great job, author.
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