i turned off the camera and looked across the room at hansol, who was all snuggled up and cozy in the hotel bedclothes. “goodnight, hyeong,” i called over to him, burying my head even further into my pillow. “sleep tight, and don’t let the bedbugs bite,” i added as an afterthought.

“you, too, channie,” he chuckled. “i hope you have sweet dreams.”

that image of hansol smiling at me, all peaceful and sleepy and not the big bad wolf he pretended to be on stage, was such a calming thing to envision as i drifted off into sleep.

---

i watched seventeen perform ‘shining diamond,’ but it was way off. twelve people danced on stage, and i was the missing member. watching from my post in the front row, i saw how the choreography flowed so perfectly without a sign of ‘hey, maybe there should be an extra person here’ present. seungcheol had even replaced my spot with hansol. in the final pose, it was as if i had been cut out and the two halves sealed back together.

the greeting. the inevitable question. and then…

“twelve members, three units, one team, and one dream,” from seungcheol.

“twelve plus three plus one plus one equals seventeen,” from jihoon.

when i opened my eyes to a dark hotel room, my eyes stung, my nose felt funny, and my cheeks felt dry. i raised a hand to my face: tears. tears that kept falling silently. the dream stayed as vivid in my mind. had it actually happened, i wouldn’t have been surprised - i remembered each minute detail so perfectly.

once i regained enough composure to see clearly, my eyes slid over to hansol’s side of the room. surely he wouldn’t mind if i woke him, even for a bad dream, right? there was a chance that he wouldn’t appreciate losing sleep to a nightmare, but a hug sounded really nice and necessary to me.

i clutched my pillow to my chest and carefully padded over to hansol’s bed, and i dropped to my knees. “hyeong. hansol hyeong. hyeong, wake up.” i nudged his shoulder until his eyes opened with a lethargic blink.

“chan, what happened? have you… have you been crying?”

i shrugged my shoulders noncommittally. “yeah… i had a…” - nightmare didn’t sound quite right - “really bad dream.”

luckily he understood. after he scooted closer to the wall and lifted the blanket, i joined him and let him tuck the blanket around me. he then snuggled back into his place and looked at me expectantly. “dinosaur, what happened?”

“bad dream. seventeen was performing, but i wasn’t a part of the team. there were twelve of you. seungcheol hyeong had my lines in ‘shining diamond.’ it was like i was never even a part of the group in the first place.” saying what had happened out loud just made me feel even more shame. “i’m sorry that i woke you-”

hansol interrupted with a serious tone, “don’t be. chan,” he raised a hand to wipe underneath my eyes with his thumb, “seventeen, all thirteen, as insane as that sounds, of us, are here as a team. i spent too much time in that green practice room with every single one of the members to perform without everybody else. and i definitely spent way, way, way too much time in that green practice room massaging your thighs to perform without you.” i giggled at the memory. the thighs, the ball, yeah, i remembered it.

“there’s that smile. now come here. you’re warm; i’m not: something needs to be fixed.”

legs tangled because his feet were freezing, head on his chest because his heartbeat was calming, i forgot some about my nightmare before hansol brought it back up.

“in your dream, was i as y as i normally am?”

“would’ve been a wet dream, then,” i mumbled into his pajamas. i then nuzzled my cheek into his chest with an exhausted, “sweet dreams, hyeong.”

(written and posted on my phone.)