Yoongi stares down to his desk, debating on what he should bring along with him. His black bag is on the desk, opened and just waiting for whatever he is going to put in it. And as usual, Yoongi takes his note book and pen. He shoves in his head phones before rushing out the door. He is so late for work; Namjoon is going to kill him. Sure, Yoongi is the hyung but Namjoon is the boss and to think that people think there are advantages working for a friend. Like the cafe isn’t even Namjoon’s it doesn’t even make difference.

“Sorry I’m late!” Yoongi announces as he enters the front once he changed into his uniform.

He was about to get ready to be the cashier as usual until Namjoon hands him a notepad and pencil, “Tables, since you’re late hyung.”

Yoongi groans but doesn’t declines, he is at fault anyway for coming in late. So Yoongi forces a kind smile onto his face as he waits tables and takes others from the customers.  The day goes by well since there wasn’t too much to do and the customers were just college students finding a place to study quietly. But in the midst of serving and faking his overly sweet smile, Namjoon pulls him away to the side.

“What, I’m busy.” Yoongi shifts his weight to one leg while he holds the tray tightly against his front.

“Hyung, I beg you please, please, please smile. Your resting face is coming out.” Namjoon begs him.

Yoongi rolls his eyes and fakes his sweet smile again stiffly, “Are you happy now?”

“Yeah but you’re going to scare the customers.” Yoongi just stares at Namjoon before walking off.

But of course Namjoon doesn’t miss the middle finger Yoongi flashes him behind his back as he walks off.

 

“Finally, my shift is over!” Yoongi stretches and mewls.

“Go, just go.” Namjoon waves his hyung off.

“Bye, I won’t be late tomorrow!” Yoongi says as he strides out of the cafe.

The pay is okay, enough to keep him going. But it isn’t what he came to Seoul to pursue; working at a cafe isn’t what he would want to do for the rest of his life. Yoongi takes out his headphones and plugs in into his phones and plays his playlist. Yoongi walks down the street, heading to a park where he usually goes to play basket ball. He isn’t sure if there is anyone there today and since he didn’t bring his ball along he might just end up walking back home after seeing the empty court. He watches as high school kids walk the streets of the city clad in their school uniforms, laughing and joking around. Some were riding their bicycles, he rather misses those times.

Back then although he spent most of his time worrying about the future when the class room is empty and everyone left he would be left to play basketball around and run laps around the school field. While reminiscing about the past, as his mind drifts away with the memory he keeps in his heart because he can’t share with his friends since none of them were with him at the time, they come from different backgrounds, different stories but now it’s like they could read each other’s minds. His feet bring him to the court, and he finds Hoseok waiting for him, he stares at him for a while with a ridiculous smile on his face, what the hell Yoongi thinks. Hoseok just knows when and where to show up.

“What are you waiting for hyung?” Hoseok calls him over.

Yoongi throws his bag to the courts floor after keeping his headphones while his phone is tucked in his pocket safely. Hoseok throws the ball to him which he catches it without any trouble.

“Let’s play 1 game, the first to score 10 wins.” Hoseok suggests with a goofy smile.

“Are you sure that you want to go against me?” Yoongi smugly asks.

“Yea, pretty much.” Hoseok nods.

“Alright then,”

Hoseok is really getting better at this, Yoongi notices it. Hoseok used to , and as in a kid could play better than he did when he first started. When he plays with the boys, they all say to not pass the ball at Hoseok. Hoseok takes it lightly because he admits it himself that he at it. But it didn’t stop them from playing it. Hoseok asked Yoongi if Yoongi could help him get better and of course Yoongi said of course, Hoseok then started playing more often and practicing a lot. Yoongi feels proud.

They play until the orange sky gets dark and the street light flicker on. Yoongi and Hoseok are on the courts floor, panting. The ball rolls on it’s on and hits the fences of the court. Yoongi wipes the sweat dripping down and chuckles as Hoseok is lying on the floor, so tired that he couldn’t even sit up. It was a fun game, 1 round turned into another and ends up a total 5 rounds.

“Come on, let’s go home.” Yoongi gets up and nudges Hoseok.

“Help me,” Hoseok reaches out and Yoongi takes the hand and pulls Hoseok up.

The two walks home, well to Yoongi’s home cause both of them live alone and it gets lonely, unlike Seokjin and Namjoon who lives together. It’s normal for either of them to be at the others house.

“I’ll go take a shower first, and then you can use the shower.” Yoongi announces when the reach his house.

“Alright, wow you’re place is clean.” Hoseok touches some of the toys Yoongi haves on display.

“I can clean up too you know.” Hoseok just laughs.

Yoongi goes to take a shower and leave Hoseok alone for a little while.

 

The two of them lay in bed together, they are used to sharing a bed since they had lived together once and the place was so small that they had to sleep in the same room. They got used to it and it wasn’t that awkward now. Yoongi’s eyes were glued to the basketball on his floor; slowly he is engulfed with a feeling that he is very familiar with from time to time. He shifts his eyes to Hoseok then.

"Are you going to stay tonight?" Yoongi whispers.

Hoseok shifts to his side and looks at the older between them. His finger tip traces the small scar at the side of Yoongi's forehead. Hoseok sighs when Yoongi looks down and bites his lips. This guy is usually the tough guy, the one everyone is scared of but behind closed doors and at close proximity, this guy becomes weak in front of Jung Hoseok. It's not that Hoseok is his kryptonite; it's not that they are in love with each other.

Honestly, both of them don't know what their relationship is. Yoongi asks Hoseok to stay some nights and sometimes he does stay but on some nights, Yoongi forces himself to fall asleep, alone. Everything is just so much more natural with Hoseok with him. But Yoongi can't be selfish; he should just accept what he gets.

"I'll stay tonight,"

Hoseok puts his hand firmly on Yoongi's nape and pulls the male close that their noses bump together. Yoongi holds his cheek, and they close their eyes. No, their lips don’t touch. That would be too much, too out of line for both of them. They are just friends and nothing more than friends.  Hoseok gets up and turns off the lights, Yoongi can feel the lost but it was just for a while before Hoseok is back on the bed and Yoongi can feel sleep embracing him just like how Hoseok is embracing him.

Yoongi wakes up alone the next morning.

He rolls around in his covers trying to will the weird feeling in his heart away, but no matter how hard Yoongi tries to fight it. He ends up curling up to where Hoseok’s body warmth still lingers and buries his face in the pillow Hoseok used that still has the smell of the boy. His fingers type up a message to Namjoon.

“I can’t come today, I’ll cover my shift and the person’s who’s covering for me today, tomorrow. I promise.”  He sends to Namjoon.

He closes his eyes again, his hand grabbing the sheets roughly. All Yoongi wants is that for sleep to come and get him again but no his melancholy starts to seep into him. So Yoongi gets up and takes a long shower. He stands under the shower, letting the water hit his skin and flows down through every corner of his skin. Once he stepped out of the shower and got his clothes on himself, he is curled up on the couch. He doesn’t feel like eating, but he has a cup of coffee on his table just in front of him and beside it, his notebook and pen. Yoongi slowly slips down to the floor and he flips a fresh page on his notebook, he takes the pen and uncaps it. He pulls the hood of his hoodie up and takes a sip from his coffee before he is totally lost in his own world, writing. It starts with the words ‘you left again’ and the rest were a blur. It’s usually like that with Yoongi, when he has something that makes his head flows he writes it down, on a good day he’ll get a few good pages but if on a bad day, he wouldn’t even pick up the pen.

And today proves to be a great day because he writes all day long; ignoring any other needs other than food and toilet.

 

“You’ve got major dark circles hyung,” Is the first thing Namjoon says when he sees Yoongi the next day.

“I didn’t sleep well,” He didn’t sleep at all; he just lay on his bed.

“You’ll be working till we close, you promised.” Namjoon says.

“I know I’m really happy to be working today.” Because it can distract me, Yoongi says in his mind.

Usually when melancholy comes to him, Yoongi pours and vomits it out with writing but this time, it lingers. Yoongi knows that it’s going to build up in him. They day goes by quickly as the cafe is busy today which keeps the question in his head away. It stays at the back of his mind for some time and soon enough he forgets it and he starts to feel lighter. He just needs to not think about it and all is fine.

 

“Bye,” Yoongi says weakly as the day ends and he is done with his part in cleaning up.

Namjoon watches as his hyung walk out with a dazed look, and he remembers Hoseok coming over to his house early in the morning with the same dazed look on his face as Yoongi is having on his face now. He asked Hoseok what was wrong; Hoseok just smiled weakly at him and says that it hurt. The always happy and cheerful Jung Hoseok is not beaming with happiness. It freaked Namjoon for awhile before he sits down beside Hoseok. Hoseok just shakes his head saying that he doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

Hoseok walks alone that night, he just got back from teaching kids to how to dance. His body is sticky from the sweat. He walks pass the bright street light and pass people who looks cheerful, usually Hoseok would not bother at this little things that he usual take for granted, you could say that he guess because he sees this every day. All this things just fade away at some point and Hoseok thinks it’s because he is sad that is why he is seeing all this with more attention and for some reason there were a lot of happy couples around him, which just made him more miserable.  He just looks down to avoid more pain. Then the sky decides to rain on him.

 

It was a Sunday morning; Yoongi was already awake when the sun begins to show itself, his phone beeps. He takes it and sees a message from Seokjin.

“Tonight, our place, don’t be late.” Seokjin sent this at their group chat.

It’s dawn and the guy is already talking about the night, nonetheless, Yoongi replies. He throws his phone aside and just sits by the window, with his headphones on and listening to very sad songs. He’s been avoiding the question for a whole week now; he hasn’t seen Hoseok for a week now. It hurts him real bad when Hoseok stays for the night and holds him making Yoongi feel something in his heart but then leaves in the morning when comes making he feel like nothing. Yoongi never felt this way since his break up years ago. How the hell did Jung Hoseok make him feel this bad by just leaving him? Yoongi rests the side of this face on his arms that rested atop his knees.

 

The music is blasting loudly, his eyes are open but his mind is in a haze that he is very familiar with. He looks drunk, and the red cup in his hand might get people thinking he is drunk but he is sober. As he watches his friends play, drink (except Jung kook of course, the boy is still sipping apple juice) and enjoy the party while he sits on the couch with a drunken smile, his head plays a song, an old song that he sometimes hear. Although it's very unfitting for this party but his head can't help but to play the song Padam Padam. A jazz music for a wild party, Yoongi knows his head is very messed up at times like this. Not that it mattered because he likes it this way. Yoongi gets up from the couch and throws his full cup away in the air and shouts, the boys shout along with him and he joins the craziness. But the song never stops playing in his head, for the rest of the night all he could hear was the song.

They dance, make noises and thrash the whole place up. The floor has water here and there not to mention it stinks of alcohol, Yoongi is once again on the couch and he just watch them play and do what they do best. Get wasted, and make a fool out of themselves and regret it the next morning. Seokjin dancing awfully with the kids, his white sweater ruined by the spray paint, it was Taehyung's doing along with Jimin while Namjoon just watch. Yoongi keep watching them, and amidst all the fun they were having, Hoseok stops for a second and turns around looking at Yoongi. They stared at each other. No one is the room noticed it, not one of them or Yoongi was too distracted to make sure no one saw it, which is most likely the case but Min Yoongi wouldn’t admit to it.

 

Hoseok is warm. He notes the fact for the nth time. The music died and the boys are now settled down on the couch. Yoongi stares at the wall, it's blank. His mind can only think about how warm Hoseok is, the throbbing of his brain doesn't hinder the thought at all. Frankly, nothing can hinder the thought of Hoseok for Yoongi. Sometimes Yoongi wonders if it is possible for a human to think about another human this much. But it all goes away when Hoseok places a hand on his head. Yoongi looks at the boy; Hoseok gives him a small smile. It's almost forced, almost. But then Hoseok looks away from him and the rest of the guys were laughing along with Hoseok. Yoongi looks at the direction of their eyes, Jimin standing there with a bunch of pillows. They all get up; Hoseok pulls Yoongi along by the wrist softly. And soon each of them has a pillow each.

The first blow is from Jimin to Hoseok. Feathers fly around the room and cover the floor as they start to hit each other with the pillows. Their laughter fills the room again; Seokjin spins in circles with his hand wide open, acting as if the feathers were snow. Yoongi laughs along with them, truly enjoying himself. They were all still laughing when the pillow case is emptied and they were on the floor, tired and tipsy. Yoongi looks at the two bodies that are lying in the middle of the room, his throat turns sour and something comes up his throat seeing the two of them. He denies the waters in the corners of his eyes. Yoongi gets up quickly and maybe a little too quickly that he is unstable when he stands up, almost falling off of his feet but he holds the arm of the couch to stabilize himself before he makes a quick run to the toilet when he throws up. He slams the door shut before more of his stomach content comes out. Clutching tightly at his torso, it comes pouring out and painful, the tears he denied weren’t held back and slide down his pale skin.

"Yoongi hyung, are you okay?" He hears Jung kook knocks, the kid is the only one sober besides Yoongi but they don't know that.

"Go away!" Yoongi tries his best to sound drunk, slurring his words.

"Okay," Jung kook sighs.

Yoongi sits on the floor after he cleaned himself up. He should get out now, they would get too worried but maybe only Jung kook since the other is tipsy and maybe too preoccupied to notice it. Yoongi gets up and looks at himself in the mirror before he walks out of the bathroom; they were all sitting on the couch now. Their attentions turn to him when he came back.

"Had too much?" Seokjin smirks.

"Yeah, I had too much fun." Yoongi throws himself on the couch, far from Hoseok and Jimin.

"Should we stop for today?" Namjoon throws an empty cup down on the floor.

"I'm going first, I don't feel well." Yoongi gets up.

"Be careful then," Hoseok says.

"I'll be fine!" Yoongi walks out.

 

Yoongi walks down the dark street, he walks through the alley that hides their place that they use to gather from time to time. Now the dark street is illuminated with street lights, he grabs onto the railing of the stairs. Yes, they are steep but he walks through this steps everyday so it shouldn't be any problem to him and he is not drunk nor tipsy but his knees for some reason is weak and he can't even walk properly. Finally, he falls on his bum on the stairs; he holds his own body close, fingers digging into his flesh painfully while his head hangs low. Yoongi can lie to others but he can’t lie to himself, the truth gets to his head sooner or later. Why did you have to speak when all I wanted was to leave, he curse Hoseok and his voice, eyes and smile. Why did he have to look at Jimin that way and why can’t he look at Yoongi the way he looks at Jimin.

“Why can’t you stay for once,” Yoongi cries.

He cries.

 

Yoongi gets a text from Seokjin the next morning, asking if he would want to join all of them at his house for breakfast, of course Seokjin is making some hangover soup for them but Yoongi isn't hung over. So he ignores the text and closes his eyes again, falling back into his slumber. His pale fingers stained with black ink from the pen he usually uses, his notebook lies on the floor, opened and the smudges are visible. The silence of his room lulls him back to sleep; sometime he doesn't need Hoseok to fall asleep.

 

"Yoongi hyung isn't coming?" Taehyung blows on a spoon of hot soup.

"He didn't reply," Seokjin places his phone down.

"Maybe he's asleep; he could have put his phone on silent." Hoseok answers.

Namjoon looks at Hoseok," Hyung has been showing the signs of shutting himself out again."

"That's his personal problem, shutting us out and all that." Hoseok puts his spoon down and thank Seokjin for the meal before he leaves the table.

"I'm going to go to his house," Seokjin takes his jacket and phone before leaving his house to run to Yoongi's house that is not that far away.

Namjoon sighs; he looks at the other boys, well except Hoseok who's not at the table, "I'll go talk to Hoseok."

"Hyung, I think Hoseok hyung needs to talk to Yoongi hyung." Jimin stops Namjoon.

"What do you mean they have to talk? Did they fight?" Taehyung asks with cheeks filled with food.

Jimin sighs, "No one saw it I guess."

"Saw what?" Jung kook mumbles with his chopstick in between his lips.

Jimin just chuckle softly.

"Saw what kid." Jimin jumps at the sound of Hoseok.

"Nothing hyung, I didn't tell them!" Jimin smiles sheepishly.

"There's nothing to tell." Hoseok says.

"Sure," Namjoon looks at Hoseok dead in the eyes.

"I'm leaving first," Hoseok puts on his jacket.

"I'm not finished talking to you." Namjoon gets up from his seat.

"The is there left to talk about!" Hoseok suddenly yells.

"If there is nothing to talk about, you wouldn't be so sensitive and you wouldn't be so mad and have that frown on your face when I or anyone else mentions Yoongi hyung." Namjoon takes his jacket too.

"So, let's take a walk, or a run sounds okay but let's walk first before we run alright?" Namjoon offers a smile to Hoseok as he slings his arm on Hoseok's shoulder.

Hoseok stares at Namjoon then to the kids at the table, he frowns again. Has he really been on the edge when it’s about Yoongi?  He looks down, his hands fists hard to a painful feeling; Hoseok relaxes his hand, . 

"Fine," Hoseok sighs.

"Let's walk."

 

 

Seokjin enters the pin number to Yoongi's apartment and the door open. The sun is hidden by the grey skies today, so Yoongi's house that is usually lighted by the sunlight since he isn't up early is in total darkness today. He walks to the boy's room, slowly pushing the door open he sees the boy sleeping. Hands clutching his covers tightly, those exact hands is stained with ink, Seokjin smiles in disbelief. Surprisingly the house is still clean, and not as messy as it used to be. Seokjin picks up the notebook lying on the floor and without reading what was written he close it and place it back on the table. He sits on the bed, staring at the sleeping blonde boy.

"Yoongi," Seokjin calls softly.

Yoongi groans.

"Yoongi, wake up, its morning now. You can't just sleep all day long." Seokjin touches the boy's forearms, cooing the boy.

"Yes I can." Yoongi groans and buries himself further in the comfort of his bed.

"Come on, get up!"

"Shut up Hoseok," Seokjin laughs.

"I'm not Hoseok, it's your hyung." Yoongi's eyes open slowly.

"Ah," Yoongi looks at Seokjin then looks away.

"Don't get up but move over." Yoongi groans but does so.

"What do you want?"

"Are you sad these days?" Yoongi chuckles at Seokjin's straight forwardness.

"Sometimes, but I'm not depressed or anything. It's just monthly melancholy?" Yoongi says.

"Monthly melancholy, if you say so. That's fine then but don't shut us all out when you're immersed in melancholy. The kids are somewhat worried about you, and Hoseok," Seokjin sighs.

"What about that kid?" Yoongi closes his eyes.

"He seems on the edge every time you shut all of us out." Yoongi laughs.

Both of them remain silent for a while, leaving the words before just like that; since they’re not interested in digging further on why is the kid like that so the just leave it like that.

Seokjin sits up and ruffles his own hair, "Why did you think I was Hoseok?

"He comes by often,"

"Even at nights?"

"At nights," Yoongi nods.

Yoongi touches his neck softly before covering his eyes with his forearm, “I ask him to stay some nights, and he does sometimes but sometimes he just leaves."

Seokjin turns to the boy, he is seating Indian style and pulls Yoongi's arm away from his eyes, “How does that make you feel?”

God damn, Seokjin is using this trick on Yoongi again. The one that makes him spill everything. Yoongi hates Seokjin sometime. Yoongi hesitates and then decides to roll to his side hiding away from Seokjin. Seokjin places a hand on Yoongi’s arm, Seokjin Yoongi’s arms, and it’s comforting.

Yoongi takes a deep and turns to Seokjin, “It ing hurts,”

 "Do you perhaps like Hoseok?" Seokjin asks softly.

Yoongi looks away, "It's no use, and he doesn't like me in that way."

"You never know,"

Yoongi smirks and sits up, "No, I'm very sure of it. I've known Hoseok for a very long time and unfortunately for me I've spent countless night sleeping in his arms, in the same bed and equal value of nights I spent wishing he was in this bed to know that he doesn't feel the same way."

Seokjin shakes his head, "Are you two playing with each other?"

"Like what the are you guys doing? Should I talk some sense into that kid?"

"Don't, it'll make things worse. Just leave it as it is."

"Since I don't even know what it is that I want from him or what I'm feeling for him?”

“For Pete’s sake, Yoongi, just tell him, life is short for all we know, do you really want to keep it a secret and watch him drift away further away from you?” Seokjin’s voice rises.

Seokjin sighs, and calms himself down, “What I’m trying to say is, I don’t want you to regret. Not now and not ever. Just tell him, if he doesn’t feel the same way then let it go but if he does. Then that’s for you two to figure out.”

“I don’t know hyung.” Yoongi sighs.

“Whatever you say but just in case keep in mind what I just told you.”

 

"You know, you should really just let it all out." Namjoon says as he and Hoseok walk around town.

"Let it all out?" Hoseok smirks.

"If you're angry just be angry, don't try to hide it. If you're sad say you're sad, the kids will either leave you alone or help to make you feel better! Don't just bottle it up in here." Namjoon points to his chest.

"You don't need to tell me that," Hoseok sighs.

"Yoongi hyung already told me this a lot of times." Hoseok rubs his nape.

"Why are you sensitive when this happens? When Yoongi hyung shuts all of us out because he is focused on his writing, you always get sensitive, and I can see that you're angry but you try to fake it with fatigue." The two boy walks into the local park.

"Where do I start?" Hoseok sighs.

"We have all day to talk, start from the beginning." Namjoon pulls Hoseok to a park bench.

Hoseok fidgets for a while before he opens up, "Remember when Yoongi hyung broke up that time," Namjoon nods.

"The night where we got drunk without Jung kook, I came late to the place, you guys were really wasted," Hoseok chuckles.

"It was fun," Namjoon leans back into the bench.

"I was alone with Yoongi hyung at that time; he was playing with that lighter. I took it from him; he stared at me with those eyes." Hoseok pauses.

"I played with it; we were laughing over a lighter and ever since that night, things weren't they same between us." Hoseok rubs circle into his palm.

"Did he do something?" Namjoon looks at Hoseok.

"We kissed,"

"But he doesn't remember it." Hoseok smiles.

"And after that, we've gotten closer. Too close actually," Namjoon nods.

"He was too drunk huh," Namjoon covers his face.

"He started asking me to stay over; he couldn't sleep for a while. You know the beginning of his shutting us out era." Hoseok smile.

"So you stayed with him, it helped him to sleep?"

"Yeah,"

"You developed feeling for him?"

"How can I not? After all those touching, soft laughing, and he pulls me so close, that sometimes we almost kiss again but then it's still so far that our lips don't touch." Hoseok looks up at the trees.

"It's driving me crazy." Hoseok grabs his hair.

"Then, why don't you go and tell him that you love him?" Namjoon chuckles.

"How, it's not like he is going to feel the same way." Hoseok sighs.

"Just tell him, idiot." Namjoon hits Hoseok's shoulder.

"Are you crazy? I don't want to lose our friendship over some stupid feelings."

Namjoon sighs and hits his chest, "Why do I have to be the one feeling so suffocated hearing you talk?"

"Just take the chance, if he doesn't like you back then just say that you're joking! You've have to use your brains when it comes to things like this." Namjoon says.

"Is it what you did when you told Seokjin hyung that you have a thing for him?" Hoseok finally cracks a genuine smile.

"Do you perhaps have a death wish? I mean, you're not even going to tell Yoongi hyung you love him and you're already messing with me." Hoseok just laughs.

Namjoon looks at the time on his phone, “Well, I don’t have all day to be real, I have to get going. Don’t stay out too long. Don’t think too much either.” Namjoon pushes Hoseok’s head softly, just a mere friendly action.

Hoseok is left alone on the park bench after Namjoon declares that he is going to go first since he still has a shop to open and run. Hoseok sighs, the feeling of Yoongi’s lips is still lingering on his, cliché? Yea it is but then again it’s Min Yoongi so Hoseok lets it slip. The party they had for Yoongi a few months back, after the girl left him. Hoseok never cared for the girl, he didn’t want to mind in Yoongi’s love life but now Hoseok swears he can do better than the girl ever did.

He arrived late and the boys were drunk already, Jung kook wasn’t there since he is a minor and is stuck at home studying for a test. So Hoseok ignores the drunken calls from his friends and search for the guy the party it thrown for. He finds the one he is looking for in the kitchen, drunken and still sipping on his drink although spilling some of it onto his own clothes while sitting on the counter. But then he puts away his drink, and he holds a lighter, Yoongi doesn’t smoke so it’s probably from one of the drawers in the kitchen. Hoseok watches and Yoongi flicker it on and off, repeating the process for who knows how long since Hoseok finds himself getting distracted by Yoongi. But Yoongi clearly has something on his mind.

“How are you doing,” Finally Hoseok decided to walk into the kitchen and stepped closer to the boy.

“Oh Hobi,” Yoongi sounded very happy but then again isn’t everyone happy when they are drunk?

Hoseok snatched the lighter, “How are you?”

Yoongi just chuckled and smiled at Hoseok, the look in Yoongi’s eyes makes Hoseok’s throat tight.

“It’s a good thing that she left you, what the hell were you even doing with a girl like her?” Hoseok leans on the opposite side, he chuckles as he flickers the lighter just like how Yoongi did just now.

“Hoseok-ah,” Hoseok lifts up his face and moves closer as Yoongi motions him closer.

He feels Yoongi kissing him, he won’t remember, Hoseok thinks and so he kissed Yoongi back.

Indeed, Yoongi doesn’t remember the next day but things weren’t the same because the next morning he woke to see Yoongi’s face beside him, sleeping peacefully.

 

Yoongi gets up after Seokjin left; he takes a shower, a long one to make sure he is really clean and well, look like someone who is living the right way and not someone who is just shutting his friends out for a while. He gets out with wet hair and damp body he looks at himself in the mirror before he walks into his room and puts his pants on and he dries his blonde hair before he is back in front of the mirror staring at himself again, smirking he thinks about the mint hair chalk Taehyung gave him (don’t ask) but he pushes the thought away. He wonders how his stern father would react to that but then again he is already blonde so whatever damage the mint colour could have brought is already done with the blonde hair.

Yoongi walks out of his house with a jacket and his all black attire makes his blonde hair pop out. Usually Yoongi doesn't like to go out. But he needs fresh air; he needs to sort his mind out. He needs to sort his heart out. He just needed an escape from everything. He walks to the KTX station in Yongsan; he buys the ticket and rides the train using the Gyeongbu line. He rides the train for 1 hour and 40 minutes just to go back to Daegu. The fair back might be a little expensive but he doesn't mind. He'll be back before the day ends. He distracts himself by looking out the window while hearing to his music player and his phone is silent since the turned it off. He ends up falling asleep on the ride and dreams off Hoseok.

He wakes up just in time to get off of the train; he walks out of the subway. Pass the crowd of people and students, he breathes the air he is familiar too. He begins walking around town. He heads downtown and with his phone that he decides to turn on after ignoring the number of missed calls he got, he takes photos of the beautiful city in front of him that he is proud to call his hometown. He spends all his time just by doing that. He'll just end up deleting it all again. He takes photos for inspiration to write and when he can get nothing more, he deletes it. Only a few manages to fill in the frames in his house. Most of the pictures are his family and well, his boys.

He heads towards the neighbourhood that he grew up in, the play ground he used to spent time playing with his friends now is nearly abandoned except for the group of boys playing with a ball. It reminded him of himself as a kid. He stares at them for a while before he walks off towards his house; he puts his head down as he gets closer. He doesn’t want his mother to see him, to see him like this to be exact because Yoongi can never hide his feelings from his mother.  He sees his house still looking the same, exactly how he remembers it. He stops and looks at it, no one is home. So he didn’t mind but then he hears his name being called.

“Yoongi, is that you honey?”  He turns around to see his mother looking so tired.

He looks down, embarrassed at himself, “hello, mother.” He bows.

“Honey, you look so skinny. My poor baby,” His mother holds his face.

Yoongi bites back the tears but he hugs his mother tightly, he hasn’t hugged her for a long time. He missed her a lot. He pulls away from her and caresses her face softly, he felt like a bum. He should be a good son to this woman.

“Come on, let’ go in.” His mother is tearing up.

Yoongi shakes his head, “I have to go mother,”

She holds his hand tight, “At least eat, just one meal.”

“Father could come home, what would he say?” Yoongi says softly.

“He would say to come in, and spend one night here.” Yoongi’s eyes snap to a man standing near them.

“Father,”

Yoongi listened; to his surprise his father wasn’t all angry at him for his hair. They had a pleasant dinner with minor talk; Yoongi says that he is trying to find a publisher despite worker at the cafe. He’s been busy because finding a publisher isn’t easy. His father just nods, things weren’t always the best between them the night ends and Yoongi finds himself in the room he spent growing up. The next morning he left at dawn, before neither of his parents was awake. He leaves a note and some money for them from their son, on the counter. He promised them that he’ll be able to give them more pocket money in the future. That it may take some time but he will make it happen, he will be a son they’re proud of.

 Yoongi again, walks around town and head to the place he spent  his time when he was a kid and teen and even reaches the gate of his old school.  He is sweating buckets at that time, since its noon. And he stays there for a while, watching the students fill the classes. He used to be in those classes. He gives the building one last look before he walks away with a long sigh.

He sits on a bench at a park, crossing his legs he puts his hand in his pocket and feels a block. He takes it out and it's a block off sticky note. He looks for his pen and takes it out, whilst looking at the pictures and his surroundings, Yoongi begins to write. One by one he fills the sticky notes with words. His words, being in Daegu and in the state of melancholy helps him to create more. You could say it's not that good to do this often but Yoongi finds the balance to keep him mentally sane and not fall into a deep hole. So he knows he's alright.

 

Three hours before the sun sets Yoongi is back on the train back to his house in Seoul. He flips through the notes he wrote while he was sitting at the bench. The pen then makes its appearance again and Yoongi finds inspirations in the view.

His head is fairly cleared up when he reaches Seoul. And again, he walks back to his house.

Yoongi arrives home that night, his phone died on him and he doesn’t even have the will or even an ounce f care to charge it as it’s only going to be bombed with calls and text. So he just throws it on the couch, doesn’t even care that it might have bounce off and it the floor, but it doesn’t. He takes of his bag and drops it onto the floor. He drags his heavy body into his own bedroom and closes the door behind him.

The next morning he finds himself getting out of bed, feeling lifeless. He cleans himself up and takes his bag, off to work. He works as usual, avoiding talking to Namjoon. He leaves when his shift it over, head back home and sits on the couch, writing. This repeats for a whole week. Before he knows it, Yoongi finds himself lying at home, with work to go to and his writing flow just stopped like that. It’s already getting dark, Yoongi noted. Ah, he didn’t do anything today. He’s been avoiding his friends; surprisingly no one came to his house.

Yoongi lies in bed as the day starts to darken officially. His room is illuminated with what little light he is offered by the sun. He raises his hand up, closing one eye to make it as if he was blocking the sun with his palm. He drops it to his side, and rolls around facing his bedside table. He takes the picture frame that he placed on it beside his family picture. The frame holds a special picture; it was him and his boys. They were having fun since Jimin and Taehyung became legal adults and somehow he ended up being thrown into the bathtub in Jimin's house. In the picture they were in the bathroom, to think about it now, yeah, Yoongi knows they are bizarre. But the memory is golden to him. That's why he has this picture framed and the others have this picture too. He place in to his torso and caress the glass with a smile. The frame slips from his grasps and falls on his torso with no damage when his door suddenly open, Hoseok stands there.

 

"H-Hoseok..." Yoongi looks up at Hoseok with a deer in head lights look.

"Hyung," Hoseok slips into the bed and takes the picture frame.

"What are you doing here?" Yoongi watches as Hoseok stares at the picture before placing in back to where it belongs.

"Where have you been all this while? You didn't pick up when I or Seokjin hyung called. You haven’t been replying to our texts, Namjoon said you’ve been avoiding him." Hoseok lies down beside Yoongi.

"Just somewhere," Yoongi looks away from Hoseok.

"You're not going to look at me?" Yoongi bites his lips.

Hoseok pulls Yoongi to him so that their bodies are pressed against each other. Hoseok make Yoongi look at him, they look at each other, and Hoseok reaches out for Yoongi's hand. He pulls Yoongi closer to him to the point their shoulders bump into each other. A soft flush is creeping up Yoongi's face. Hoseok lifts a hand to caress his cheeks and Yoongi holds Hoseok's nape. They look at each other; a part of Yoongi realizes how stupid he has been. Yoongi's eyes tears up, he could after all have Hoseok to hold and cherish.

"I love you," Yoongi says while smiling despite the tears, they were happy tears.

Hoseok doesn't say anything and just holds Yoongi close. Yoongi's body is pressed deeper into the mattress of his own bed, as Hoseok straddles him, the room completely in darkness as the sun went down. Yoongi finally said it to Hoseok. And it feels good; it feels good to be kissed by Hoseok, to have Hoseok hold him in his arms. Yoongi never felt like this, even when Hoseok is looking down at him with a soft frown on his forehead, all Yoongi does is reaches up with his sweaty palm, noting how his arms is flushed and his body feels hot all over, he rubs the frown away from the equally sweating forehead and gets a kiss from Hoseok. Hoseok gives him a rough but loving kiss to the boy and his hands travel down Yoongi's bare body. Yoongi has his back arch, his mouth a gap and his arms wrapped around Hoseok's neck. He felt so loved when it Hoseok kissed him, kissed all over his body. He should have never stalled. But then when all of it is over and after the soft kiss and the pecks Hoseok gives him, Yoongi thinks about the what if's. Even though right now Hoseok is pressing soft kiss on his shoulders, nape and cheeks. Even though Hoseok is holding his sweaty body in his equal sweaty arms, Yoongi isn't complete convinced that Hoseok loves him back. He hopes the next time he opens his eyes; Hoseok would still be here, sleeping next to him. And if it isn't too much, he would love a kiss. But Yoongi won't as for much. Because a part of him is sure the next morning Hoseok would be gone.

It has always been like that.

Yoongi wakes up that morning, his body despite feeling sore and cold, he felt content. The curtains are open as he forgot to close them last night. So sunlight shines in his room, making it bright. Last night, he wouldn't forget it but his heart hurts and he can't help but to pull the cover to his bare body. The bed is empty, Hoseok left. And he might have just blown their long build friendship by saying 'I love you'. Yoongi starts crying even if he really doesn't want to because he regrets nothing. He confessed his love to Hoseok and he thought Hoseok loved him back but the empty bed proves otherwise. It was all a drunken haze that lasted a little while. He hides his face in the white sheet, he cries and cries. His throat hurts from the whines he was voicing out. He hopes Hoseok doesn't regret last night.

"Yoongi hyung," The door opens, it's Hoseok.

Hoseok frowns because he knows Yoongi is crying," Hey what's wrong? Why are you crying?"

Yoongi tries to move away from Hoseok and in the process he can feel that Hoseok is wet, probably just got out from the shower. Hoseok grabs Yoongi's wrists and pulls him. Hoseok puts Yoongi's head on his lap, Yoongi couldn't believe his eyes, although his sight is glassy from the tears but he knows its Hoseok.

"You didn't regret last night did you," The crack in Yoongi's voice and the tears pooling in his eyes makes Hoseok feels breathless and it hurts seeing this boy like this.

But all is fine again when Yoongi throws himself in Hoseok's arms, "I thought you left."

"No, I wouldn't leave you again despite doing so for all those times before." Hoseok holds him tight.

Yoongi wraps his arms around Hoseok's neck, "Not anymore."

"I'm so sorry, hyung." Hoseok nuzzles his face at the side of Yoongi's head.

"And hyung," Yoongi lifts his tear stained face causing Hoseok to wipe the tears away.

"I love you,"

Yoongi gets the kiss he wished for.

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