"you're going to regret it, hyung. don't do it." yixing tries to convince luhan for the umpteenth time that night on the phone as the other downs his 8th glass of alcohol. "i am not! i'm just going to say hello, ask him how he is, ask him where the is my heart because im sure as its not ing with me and i ing need it back because how the do i live without it? also, greet him a merry christmas because hey, why not!" luhan spits out, effectively knocking off the bottle next to him off the table.

 

"please don't go outside." yixing pleads, knowing his ears just got desacralized, whilst he asks junmyeon for help who is currently beside him, filling up some application forms in their shared apartment, "please."

 

"i'm not going anywhere!" luhan shouts before he swipes the end button, "bye!" luhan can almost hear a faint 'hyung, wait!' before the call officially ends.

 

yixing would have stormed over to his apartment if it wasn't for their applications that's due in 8 hours and the lack of work he has done.

 

luhan lets out a sigh that he had no idea he's been keeping, while he stare intently at his phone, a minseok' contact showing on his screen. he takes a quick glance at the window, overlooking the terrific beijing city lights, being the only light in his caliginous room. 

 

its been a whole year already. and honestly, luhan should've moved on by now. but how could it be that easy? when memories of him and minseok flash in his mind on a daily basis and no matter how much alcohol he drinks its still minseok he wants, its still minseok he needs, and its still minseok he loves.

 

and he just loathes the reality that right now, he's got nothing but cheap alcohol and recollections of the past, of what they have been. of what they had. 

 

he doesn't have happiness. doesn't have any energy left to pour himself another glass. doesn't have kim minseok.

 

and well, he doesn't have self control either.

 

that is why it is no surprise to him when he presses on the call button. that might have been one of the biggest mistakes he has ever done in his life.

 

luhan continues to feel nothing as his phone dials. feels nothing when it connects. feels nothing when the receiver picks up.

 

but then he feels every ounce of emotion left when his phone speaks.

 

"hello?"

 

luhan's mouth goes dry. yes he did call the other, but he did not expect that he would pick up. after all, he never picked up after they parted ways.

 

minseok's voice was still the same, and its effect on luhan haven't changed either.

 

god, he missed minseok so much. its been a whole year since he last saw the elder and man, the buckets of tears he must have cried that day.

 

-

 

it was a year ago, the day before their graduation and luhan couldn't have been more happy. this was it, he was finally graduating tomorrow. he double checked if he had prepared everything. and when he did, he proceeded to call his boyfriend, minseok.

 

but right when he was about to click on his contact, the other beat him to calling first. luhan picked up at the first tone.

 

"luhan?" minseok's tone was different. it wasn't the same tone he was used to hearing. there was something about the way minseok said luhan's name that didn't give him a good feeling.

 

"is there something wrong, minseok? why'd you call?" luhan asks cautiously. "what? no, nothing's wrong. i just, can we meet at the playground?" 

 

something's definitely wrong. otherwise, minseok wouldn't ask to meet at the playground. the playground was their usual spot, and their secret one at that. its old, thats why its rare for kids to go there anymore. everytime they meet at the playground, its where they talk about the serious things. the serious things that bother them, that make them happy, and give them reason to live. 

 

"right now?" luhan takes a quick glance at the clock, 5.30 pm. "yeah, that's okay right?"

 

"o-of course. i'm on my way." and minseok hangs up but luhan still has his phone on his ears. terrified of what might happen. he tried to think positive, but how could he, when the way his stomach churning is telling him otherwise?

 

luhan goes out of his house, and walks to the playground in a daze. he knows the path to the playground like the back of his hand, that's why even if he's all deep in thought, he still ends up in the same place.

 

and minseok's already there, without a smile on his face. and luhan got the feeling he's not going to leave the playground happy.

 

"luhan." minseok breaks the silence, with the tone he uses every time he's about to apologize. luhan's dreading. 

 

luhan just wants to escape, before minseok continues to talk any further. for the first time in his life, he just wants minseok to stop talking. because the next words that might come out of minseok's mouth next won't be a good one.

 

 

"i don't love you anymore." minseok breathes out and luhan, luhan says nothing. if thats what minseok says, then he just have to believe and accept it. "i just, i just woke up one day and realized, i don't love you anymore." he continues and luhan just really wishes minseok would stop talking before he breaks down right then and there. 

 

luhan takes a deep breath, and inches closer to the other, looking at him with sincere eyes, and luhan hopes with just that look he could return all the feelings that left minseok. that all those feelings would just come rushing back and minseok  would say that he loved luhan again.

 

"c-can i?" luhan asks, and minseok nods. and then luhan's pressing his lips on minseok's and its quick, and a chaste kiss, and the way they kiss makes luhan forget all the feelings minseok didn't have anymore. he still thinks its there but he knew its was nothing but wishful thinking.

 

minseok is the one who pulls away first, much to luhan's dismay, but he remembers, how could you kiss a person who you no longer harbor feelings for?

 

luhan smiles apologetically, and for the first time in his life, walks away from his happiness, from his kim minseok—oh, right, he didn't own minseok anymore.

 

he didn't attend their graduation the next day, it didn't have any point if it meant not getting to hold the other's calloused hand in his whilst he hold his diploma.

 

-

 

luhan snaps back from his trance when the line on the other end speaks once more, "uh, hello?" 

 

its obvious in minseok's tone that he didn't know who was calling and luhan almost laughs bitterly, he probably deleted my phone number long ago, and here i am still clinging on to this stupid numbers. psh.

 

"minseok! hey there!" he exclaims with fake enthusiasm, its silent for a few seconds and luhan almost thought the other hung up but, "luhan? is that you?"

 

"aye its me! and i thought for a second there you might have forgotten about me! after all, you woke up one day and forgot all those feelings maybe you woke up the next day and forgot about me! hah! oh, and merry christmas!" luhan takes a swig of his beer and chortles. 

 

"luhan...why did you call?" the younger scoffs, "hm lets see here, a year ago, i left something there in seoul and i remembered i left it with you and goddamn it minseok can you please return it to me because i ing want it back minseok," luhan holds back a sob, "i ing need it back." 

 

"are you drunk?"

 

"yes, because i was so jealous of you getting to wake up and all your feelings for me are gone. i've been trying to do that for the past year but everytime i wake up its still you every goddamn day and i still ing love you so goddamn much and i'm so ing confused because if you can forget about me why the hell can't i forget about you? so i tried drinking. they told me it would lessen the pain, or even help me forget all the pain. and you know what? it didn't help at all. i think the pain even increased. you know why? because no matter what i do, at the end of the day, i still love you, and you're still gone. and i'm about to go insane because i don't know what the should i do to forget about you. its so frustrating because i just want the pain to stop, i want the pain to ing stop, minseok. i just hate the way im missing you so much, and you don't. i've wanted to talk to you for months now, but hell, did you? goddammit minseok, i don't even know anymore, im so ing tired." minseok didn't reply so luhan continued his rant, 

 

"when you told me that, a year ago. i didn't know where to go from there. i didn't know what was my plan before you happened because we were together for so long, and while we were together, i got it all planned out, my plan was, i was going to graduate and then i'm going to live with you and we're going to live together, and we're going to grow old together and i don't know, get buried next to each other if possible. i just wanted to experience forever, you know? i don't even know if forever existed, but with you, i'm willing to give it a try. i'm willing to go through it with you because i knew you were ing worth it. and i thought, that it was your plan too because, well you know, we kinda loved each other for a decent amount of time so i believed that my plan was going to go smoothly. but then, you had to throw everything. and i hate myself because i can't even bring myself to be ing mad at you, because i love you too much, and i just? i don't think i can live without you, kim minseok. i'm calling you to tell you that i don't know what to do without you."

 

"luhan?"

 

really minseok? all those things and thats all?

 

"what?"

 

 

"i'm sorry. for everything that has happened," minseok says, and it was evident in the way that he spoke, that he was choosing his words carefully. "but i think there's nothing i can do, luhan. i'm apologizing because i know that's all i can do. i'm sorry that everytime...i wake up i don't feel anything anymore. i'm sorry that you thought there was going to be a forever with me. i don't deserve that forever, luhan. i don't deserve you. there's a lot of people out there who deserves it more than i do. i'm not worth it. i'm sorry for throwing everything away, but it was the only way i knew how to deal with the feelings...gone. i'm sorry for ruining your plan, maybe, you're just going to have to make a new plan, yeah? i miss you too, and i've been wanting to talk to you too, but its impossible. what do we even talk about after breaking up? and no, you shouldn't drink. that's unhealthy and you know it. try engaging yourself in activities, you can sing. audition for an entertainment or something. forget about me, okay? i'm not worth remembering. and i don't want to hurt you more than i already did." minseok breathes and luhan's aware he's already sobbing, due to the alcohol and the words minseok is telling him.

 

"i want to be thankful that you aren't mad, but isn't that what you should do? like i said, luhan, i don't deserve you. and, you can live without me, okay? all you have to do is try. because i know i won't be in your life anymore," but i want you to be, luhan adds mentally. "i just, i really want to say sorry for everything. but you should know that i really did love you luhan. and maybe i still do, but that's not going to help our case in any way possible. i hope you live your life to the fullest and just forget about everything. and luhan?" minseok calls, and luhan's dreading at what might come next. the same feeling that he felt a year ago, back in his stomach. 

 

"y-yeah?"

 

"i'm sorry, that its not you anymore." and luhan knew that was his last straw. yixing was right, he was going to regret calling minseok. its the biggest mistake he's ever done. because he was still hoping that things would go back to the way it was before. that they would be alright again. that they would be together again and luhan could carry on with a plan of a lifetime. he had hoped that maybe, just maybe, minseok still loved him and he would take luhan back. it was his one last desperate move and it just pains him to say that its really gone. they really are gone, done. 

 

luhan just hurt himself more. "goodbye, luhan. merry christmas." and then minseok hangs up.

 

and minseok has done it again, he successfully broke every last piece of luhan has left. luhan throws his phone outside the open window after that and resumes drinking, whilst he tastes the saltiness of his tears.

 

-

 

but luhan would never know, that after minseok hung up, minseok slid down on the wall, crouching, with tears in his eyes.

 

luhan would never know minseok was dying. that's why it led minseok to the things that he had done.

 

but luhan would never know.