Sevit High, 2013

“1st place, Kim Yeol. 2nd place, Seo Ha-joon. 3rd place, Kwon Soo-ah.” 

The words repeat endlessly in her mind. Clutching her head, she walks slowly over to a vending machine. 

She’s about to press the button for a can coffee, when a hand grabs hers and presses the button for a strawberry milk instead. 

She looks up and glares. Seo Ha-joon looks down at her, no expression on his face. 

"Coffee is bad for you.” Letting go of her hand, he walks away. 

She stares after him. 

...

She's heard the rumours. Seo Ha-joon's father beats him. 

But the emptiness in his eyes linger in her mind. 

Because it mirrors hers. 

...

Sevit High, 2014

"1st place, Kim Yeol, 2nd place, Kwon Soo-ah, 3rd place, Seo Ha-joon." 

She touches her swollen cheek, still stinging from the slap her mother gave her. 

"Why can't you ever get first place? You have to go to Harvard. Do you understand?" 

Staring out the window, she wonders if her parents would even care if she killed herself. 

She smiles soullessly. 

And she thinks she understands Seo Ha-joon now. 

…

So it comes as no surprise to her when she hears that Seo Ha-joon was hospitalised after a suicide attempt. 

…

But she’s surprised to see him at Baek Ho club a few days later. 

And he’s trying to smile at something Kim Yeol just said. 

…

It makes her sick, seeing him trying his hardest to be okay. 

And the thought that he has Kim Yeol to take care of him, while she doesn’t have anyone. 

So she turns abruptly and walks away. 

…

And she doesn’t talk to Seo Ha-joon again. 

Not that he ever talked to her. 

Because even if she wanted to, he wouldn’t understand. 

He wouldn’t understand.

…

And from then on, she feels like she’s suffocating, stuck in an airtight space.  

She can’t hear voices properly; they seem muffled. 

Except for Seo Ha-joon’s voice. 

...

Sevit High, 2015

“1st place, Kim Yeol. 2nd place, Kwon Soo-ah. 3rd place, Seo Ha-joon.” 

This time, it’s a bruise. 

…

“Did you see Kwon Soo-ah’s face?” 

“That huge bruise? Her mum probably slapped her for not getting first place.” 

“Don’t worry about her. What has Kwon Soo-ah ever done for us?” 

“All she does is ignore us. So arrogant.” 

“I know. And her eyes are always so empty and dead. It’s scary.” 

“Well, whatever. Let’s go.” 

And Kwon Soo-ah throws up in the bathroom stall she was in. 

…

She still sees Seo Ha-joon around. 

But he looks better. Almost happy. 

So she’s envious of him. 

…

And she wonders if he’ll ever notice her. 

...

“Cheerleading? With Real King? Why?” 

“Some parent probably wanted more specs for their kid.” 

“Probably Kwon Soo-ah.” 

The Baek Ho kids look at her. 

Soo-ah stays quiet. 

“Well, I need specs too,” Seo Ha-joon stands up and stretches. 

One by one, the Baek Ho kids start to agree. 

And Seo Ha-joon strolls out of the classroom. 

…

So Soo-ah finds herself at Instructor Nam’s house with the Baek Ho and Real King kids. 

“There’s so much food here!” 

“Wow, let’s eat!” 

And she finds herself loosening up a little. 

…

“Is this grape juice?” 

“Drink it! It’s good.” 

She takes a sip. 

And after 3 refills, she feels like her heart is being ripped out of her chest. 

…

Her eyes start to well. 

She stumbles to the staircase and makes it to the first landing before collapsing in a heap. 

And she cries. 

Cries the silent, gut-wrenching tears of despair. 

…

Through her tears, she sees him slowly climbing up the staircase. 

“Seo Ha-joon.” 

He looks up. 

She takes a deep breath. “Why? Why are they all out to get me? Why am I the only one struggling so hard?” 

He crouches next to her and pokes her forehead lightly. 

“It feels like my head is eating up my heart. It really feels like I’m dying.” 

She sees understanding in his eyes. He gives her a handkerchief. “I don’t want you to be like me.” 

And he walks away. 

“But it’s too late,” she whispers. 

…

Later, she finds herself seated in a van with the others. 

Everything seems blurry, like she’s in a dream. 

The van stops, and she reaches for the door handle and steps out. 

She can’t see anything, or hear anything. And she can’t breathe. 

Out of the corner of her eye, she notices the other kids do the same. 

And she feels like she’s in a black hole. 

A black hole of despair. 

…

So she walks, to get away from the suffocating silence. 

And she walks away like a broken doll. 

…

She stops when she feels a cold sensation wrap around her right foot. 

Taking a step back, she gazes at the still, black water. 

And she wonders if she should just kill herself. 

…

She hears footsteps, and a sigh of relief. 

Seo Ha-joon walks up and stands next to her silently. 

“Do you think it’s cold?” 

He says nothing. 

She smiles. “It can’t be as cold as me.” 

And she steps into the water. 

And she thinks he can’t see the quiet despair lying beneath her smile. 

…

“Kwon Soo-ah!” 

The water is up to her ankles. She stops walking. 

“Don’t.” 

…

“I needed time to think.” 

She turns and walks slowly back. 

…

He puts his jacket around her shoulders. 

His scent envelopes her. She breathes in slowly. 

And together, they walk back to the van. 

…

Seo Ha-joon takes a deep breath. “Everyone goes through hard times.” 

She nods, avoiding his gaze. 

But he smiles. “Let’s endure them together.” 

...

“I’m going to fail midterms.” 

“Same. Apparently the exam’s really hard.” 

“I’m going to die.” 

“Don’t worry. The only one who’s going to die is Kwon Soo-ah.” 

“Her mum’s going to kill her if she doesn’t get first place.” 

“Yeah.” 

Their footsteps fade. 

Kwon Soo-ah walks out, head held high. 

And she slips her hand into the comforting hand of Seo Ha-joon.

...

And gradually, they pull each other out the black hole.