“Guuuys!”

I was awakened by the loud voice which suddenly broke out in the middle of the noisy hairdryer and people talking behind me. I had not realized how long I had fallen asleep in front of the make-up table, but I sighed a little bit when I realized my stylist still had not done with my hair. Tiffany’s heels stomping on the floor was what turned my attention to the owner of the voice again.

“Open it secretly alright!?” My American-born friend moved quickly from one member to another while holding a jar full of white papers in her hand.

It’s that time of the year again – Christmas. Last year, we did nothing but some members coming to the dorm to help decorating our Christmas tree. Well we did some sort of Christmas lunch and dinner but really, that was all to it. This time, though, the idea of the so-called Secret Santa was popped out, by no other but Tiffany herself, and it seemed like she was serious in doing it.

“Taeyeonnie” The girl I just talked about was then standing in front of me, with her usual joyful smile (and an unnecessary extra eyesmile). She handed me the jar as a signal that it was my turn to take one folded paper. There were only two left inside. I gave her a weak smile before inserting my hand into the transparent object.

“Please, let it be her” I did not even know why I said that to myself.

Trying to ease my anxiety, I pretended to play with the papers by moving my hands here and there, creating a ‘storm’ inside the jar. It was not until Tiffany shouted ‘Yah!’ that I turned calm again and finally caught a paper.

I took it out slowly and opened it gently as if the paper was really fragile. I could read the letter one by one, backwardly, as I kept unfolding.

N Y

Oh god please.

A N Y

No.

F F A N Y

“Whaaat!?” I literally almost jumped out of the chair when I figured out the name on the paper. 

By the time I folded the paper, I realized I had made everyone fix their eyes on me. I watched Tiffany as she moved to the next person, which turned out to be Sunny. My heart beat faster as that other danshin in the group pulled out the last paper. Not wanting to look obvious, I stared at the mirror while stealing a glance at her in a few seconds or so. What was I doing though? It was not like I could know the name that Sunny would get. Even if I could know, what was it for?

You were secretly hoping that she would get your name, weren’t you, Kim Taeyeon?

* * *

Everybody in the world seemed to know what kind of present Tiffany would like to get, so it was really not that hard to find one. Go online, search for something girly and feminine, and most importantly, something PINK, and voila – a gift for Tiffany Hwang! That was exactly what I was doing, after waiting an hour or so for her to get going somewhere outside the dorm. I turned off the bedroom light before crawling back to bed, attaching my earphones to my ears, and turning on the laptop.

Baby pink scarf, cute pink sweater, dark pink jeans, Hello-Kitty pink blankets, and more pink stuffs popped out as I scrolled down continuously. Even though it was easy to just click and buy any one of them, I was still not that kind of person who would just inconsiderately purchase random stuff for a dear friend. Up to that point, I had got three lists to choose from; a scarf because I remembered Tiffany said the one she bought last year had worn out, a blanket because the girl kept complaining of why she only had one pink blanket in the dorm, and a pink watch because the last pink watch she bought was already from two years ago.

I was about to scroll down again while deciding on which one to choose, when an item caught my heart in one glance. It was a ring, looking nothing special for other people but not for me. The color of the diamond on it looked purplish instead of pink, which was maybe why it stole my heart since purple is my favorite.

It would look really good on my finger and Sunny’s finger.

Why did that even pass my mind? I was looking for a gift for Tiffany, not Sunny. How did the thought of giving this as a Christmas present for Sunny even come up? I quickly ignored the idea by moving the mouse again to surf another online-shops, but even after an hour passed by, I still found myself coming back to the website where I saw the ring. My finger would unconsciously click the same item again, my eyes would once again stare at the ring for a long time to admire its silver color and its purple diamond, and my heart would pounce fast once more when I thought of how sweet it would look if Sunny and I wore this ring together.

I had made a decision to purchase the pink blanket for Tiffany and had paid it online using my credit card. I had actually finished my business on the laptop, but for some reasons, I still could not close the website. There was this anxiety inside me which I attempted to shoo away by buying a new winter jacket for myself, but the effort was to no avail.

I dared myself to look at the luxurious accessory one more time. Then I contemplated for a few minutes. There was nothing weird with me buying Sunny this, right? I was Tiffany’s secret Santa, but it did not mean that I could not give a present for other member personally, right? I fixed my eyes and clicked the ‘Pay Now’ button under the picture of the ring.

After all, there was nothing wrong with giving a Christmas present for someone whom you fell in love with, right? I reassured myself as I slowly dozed off to sleep that night.

* * *

December 24^th, 2015.

I watched the clock ticking as the members arrived one by one at the dorm. We had agreed to hold the event one day prior to Christmas due to the fact that we wanted to celebrate it on the D-day with someone special. As some of my fellow band mates sat down on the living-room sofa, I started to wonder where that other shortie could be, because she had been out for the whole day since the afternoon.

“Should we start?” Hyoyeon took the place on my left side since my right was occupied by the creator of the event.

“Sunny’s not here yet” I replied, trying my best to sound like I was not expecting Soonkyu that much.

The short hand on the clock was almost reaching eight when the door finally flew opened and Sunny walked in quickly while bringing some shopping bags in her hand.

“Yah, you have just bought the present today, haven’t you?” Yuri commented upon the bags which totally looked new, fresh from the shop.

“Yah it was because I kept searching for the best gift until the last minutes!” The short-haired girl dragged her steps to her own bedroom and put her stuffs there before coming back to where we had been seated.

“Now it’s complete” Tiffany clapped her hands. “Let’s begin! We have one rule though”

“What rule? Just exchange them and eat. I am hungry already” Sooyoung took a quick peek at the dinner table.

“Heee it’s not fun if you do it like that!” The eyesmile queen suddenly changed her speech to English but went back to Korean right away, fortunately. “So, you take one present and see who it belongs to, then you give it to that person while saying a heart-warming message for her. For example, I take one and Seohyun’s name is written on it, so I have to give it to her while saying my message”

“Fine, let’s get started” Yoona was the first to respond to the explanation.

“Okay, I have decided that we should start with the youngest” Tiffany threw her eyesmile at the maknae while offering her the big Santa bag which was really bulky with our presents inside.

I waited for them to finish their messages one by one patiently, yet nervously. If I counted correctly, there were only two names which had not been called – Sunny and my own name. What if… What if I get her name? I did not prepare for this. I did not know what to say.

“I got Sunny’s” Hyoyeon smiled as she took the next neatly-wrapped gift from the bag. She fixed her position to face the aegyo queen. “Sunny-ah, it’s been a while since we hung out together at the club. I somehow want you to be back so if the media is around, my name won’t be the only one coming up on the search site”

As expected from Hyoyeon, her message always got us laugh. I did my best to appreciate her humor, but I honestly could not let out my usual ahjumma laugh. I was too focused, too nervous of what would be coming next. If the next gift was mine, it was Sunny herself who would hand it over and say her words to me. The room grew quiet as Sunny approached the bag and as I watched her with awkward eyes, and it made me in want to let out a big sigh.

Why was it always like this every time it came to me!? Was my expression meant to be inviting silence and awkwardness in the air!?

“Yah, why did you place the bag so far away!” She suddenly raised her tone, pretending to scold the third shortest member to break the ice in the atmosphere. She pulled out the one last box, looked at the name and furrowed her eyebrows. “It’s woori manager unnie!”

I did not know what I felt at that point; disappointed because it was apparently not my name, yet relieved since I didn’t have to face Sunny and watch her speak out her words through her precious, y lips.

“Guys, I was just kidding. It’s our very own Taeyeonnie” She continued while smirking, gaining herself a ‘boo’ from everybody. My muscles started to tense up again as she turned her gaze at me and smiled.

“Taengoo” I almost melted when I heard her call me with that nickname she had always used. “You have started to open up more and more than before and I am happy to see you that way. In 2016, you have to take care of yourself more, especially your health. Merry Christmas!”

“Look who’s talking” Even though I was still collecting myself from the oh-so-y lips attack from Lee Sunny, I still managed to get out of the awkwardness by replying back to her. “You should take care of your knee before saying that to someone!”

“Hey, my knee is fine now!”

“Alright, let’s finish this and get going to the dinner table” Sooyoung pulled the bag to my direction with an annoyed, bored face.

 “Waiiit!” Tiffany got a grip of Sooyoung’s wrist. “You have to open it right now!”

“I will open it as I eat my food!”

“I don’t care, I am the MC here and we all have to open it all together” My American friend folded her arms; she was being so pushy as always that the shikshin did not have any other choice but to obey.

We all began unwrapping our presents after that, and I was quite happy to get a new perfume for myself. My eyes rolled up, trying to find out who had gifted this to me. As I screened each person, I spotted Sunny staring at her new leg warmer joyfully before our eyes suddenly met. I was taken aback and could not help but to say something.

“Is this from you?”

She shook her head. “Why would I buy you that?”

Her words left a pang on my heart; I gulped a bit.

“Is this from you?” She showed me her leg warmer.

“No” I answered. I swore I could see her disappointment reflected in her eyes. How I really wanted to tell her right then that I did not forget about her, that I did buy something for her, too.

“Taeyeonnieee!” I was about to ask the next person when Tiff lingered her arm around mine and rested her head on my shoulder. “This blanket is from you right!? You must have known because I kept complaining about it! Thank yooouuu!”

Sunny turned her head away upon seeing us.

“So I don’t have to go to sleep listening to your complaints again” I snorted at Tiff.

“Now it’s dinner tiiime!” Yoona yelled in joy before taking Sooyoung with her to be the ones to grab the delicious Christmas meal.

***

It was all peaceful and chilly when I went out of my bedroom after finishing my late bath. Everyone seemed to have gone to their homes respectively, leaving some trashes here and there and of course, some dirty leftovers around the kitchen area. I stared at the mess shortly before a shadow coming from the balcony shocked me.

I paid a closer look at the owner of the shadow and smiled when I figured out who she was. I opened the door and realized that the weather had got quite chilly. Nevertheless, I stepped my feet onto the cold floor, getting closer and closer to her.

“Why are you here?” I asked.

Sunny seemed to be shocked also, but when she saw that it was just me, she gave me a peaceful smile. God, it felt like it had been a long time since I last saw this sincere smile which reached her eyes.

“Nothing, I was just… thinking about something”

“Something so serious that you had to think about it in the cold air? Can’t you think inside?” I raised my voice a bit, half-scolding her.

“Yes, it is that serious” Her answer startled me.

“You know you can always share it”

The girl standing next to me spent a few seconds staring at me before proceeding to open once more. “Taeyeon-ah, if you… If you want to give something to somebody even though you don’t know whether the person will like it or not, will you still give it?”

The question somehow reminded me of the ring that I was supposed to give to her.

“Yes, because it will be such a waste if you don’t give it anyway” I narrowed my eyes. “Why? You don’t like the gift that you got earlier?”

“No, of course it’s not that. I like it and I needed to buy a leg warmer anyway. It turned out to be from Yuri”

“Oh” I pretended to look at the night view. “Then why? Are you thinking of buying your boyfriend a present?”

“What boyfriend!? I don’t have any!” She pouted and rested her chin on the balcony fence. “What about you yourself? You must have spent the whole night thinking of the best gift for Miyoung”

“Not really, it was really quick instead because I knew what she needed”

“Of course, you know her the best”

“It was just because she kept whining about the blanket”

“It still means you know her very well”

“Yuri also knows you very well” I snorted cynically. “Your knee is still hurting, right? How thoughtful of her to buy that leg warmer for you”

“Everybody knows that I need that leg warmer”

“So is the case with Tiffany. Everybody knows that she wants that kind of pink blanket”

Both of us decided to let the silence fill in. Even in the midst of the dim light of the balcony lamp, I could still trace Sunny’s face line so clearly. Her lips were not frowning, but they were not turning up either.

“So…” I broke the frozen atmosphere. “What was it that you were actually thinking about?”

She spent a few seconds being indulged in her own thoughts before moving her position again, facing me. “Taengoo, I… I might not be the person who knows you the best, but… I hope that I did the right thing”

“Okay?”

 “I made you a pair of mittens, Taengoo, but I am not sure if you will like it”

God, did I hear it correctly? Sunny made mittens for me? She MADE mittens for me? For ME?

“Well, in that case” I cleared my throat right away. “I have to try them first. Where are they?”

“Okay, wait here” Sunny stepped inside to the direction of her bedroom.

I rubbed my hands to get them warm, and I knew that this freezing state did not come from the cold air. So Sunny did prepare something for me too. She thought of me too this Christmas. Then I thought about it; this might as well be chance for me to give her the ring. Yeah, the ring! How could I forget about it? I quickly ran back to my own room and found the ring very soon in my purse.

By the time I got back to the balcony, Sunny was already there. Her head was turning to the left and right; she was probably wondering where this Kim Taeyeon girl had vanished to. Tightening my grip on the ring box, I went to her one more time.

Not waiting for anything, she motioned me to offer my hands as her own left arm went behind her back, hiding the handmade gift. I quickly hid the ring box in my jacket pocket and involuntarily showed my both hands to her.

She carefully inserted the left mitten to my left hand; her fingers were holding my wrist. I could feel warmth emaciating from her as our skins rubbed each other. I waited patiently like a child letting her mom dressing her daughter. When my hands were perfectly wrapped in the mittens, I dared myself to look up.

“There, they fit perfectly. Now you don’t have to worry about me not liking them”

“I was worried that the thumb would be a little bit too big” She grinned. “I was using my own thumb as measurement, not realizing that my thumb has always been a bit bigger than everyone else’s”

“So apparently we were both having the same idea – giving something related to hands” I commented.

“What do you mean?” She tilted her head cutely, and I swore I almost could not stop myself from pinching her cheeks.

I calmly pulled out the box from my pocket, opened it and took out the ring from its place as carefully as I could. Without asking for her permission, I grabbed her right hand and gave each beautiful digit an appreciative look. It did not take long for me to push the ring into her ring finger and made it stay there perfectly.

“T- Taengoo” She mentioned my name; cold air came out of .

“This ring is a…” I halted my sentence. What was this ring? Wasn’t this ring here the manifestation of my love for her? Didn’t this ring exist here right now because I fell in love with her? Should I confess then? Should I tell her what I had been hiding all this time?

“Is a…?” She repeated my last two words, signaling me to continue.

“It’s a…”

No, it was not yet time to say my true feelings. I was not ready for what she would say. I was not ready for rejection. I was not ready for our broken friendship. For the moment, I was happy to be able to see her day by day. For the time being, I was satisfied being next to her. Above all, I was thankful to have her in my life.

“It’s a promise ring”

“Promise ring?” She widened her eyes for a brief second.

I nodded. “It’s a promise that for next year’s Christmas, and for the next Christmas, and for the next and the next Christmas for years to come, we will still be together no matter what”

She then smiled, and it was not until a few hours after that I realized that it was such an ambiguous smile. It was a kind of smile which mixed happiness and sadness at the same time – the bittersweet smile.

“Taengoo, thank you” She threw herself around me, wrapping this tiny body of mine in that of her. “I thought you would not give me anything”

“I…” My voice was shaking a bit. “I have always thought about you”

Whether she took it further than what was simply spoken, I did not know, but she then let go of the hug.

“Thank you” She said again, stepping backwards. “Good night then”

“Good night, and thank you for the mittens” I calmly wrapped up my last words to her that night. She walked back to where her sleeping chamber was located, leaving the balcony door opened.

“Taengoo!”

I was in the middle of turning my sight to the view again when she uttered my name for the nth time that day. Our eyes met for one last time that night, and there was a brief moment without words as we tried to comprehend what was inside each other’s eyes. From our distance I still could see her chest heaving up and down, like she was going to burst out soon.

“M- Merry Christmas” opened up at last.

Those were not the words that I expected the most, my little heart whispered, but I still managed to beam my smile at her. “Merry Christmas, too”

She replied the smile with a slight nod before she retired to her room again. I did not move a single inch; I kept staring at her until she disappeared from my sight, and even after I could not see her shadow anymore.

At least, for this Christmas, I was happy enough to be your true secret Santa, Sunny-ah.

Merry Christmas for you all! I hope you like this! :{D