you probably haven't considered the part where this would actually get better, and would drastically change your life for forever. did you consider this? no, you did not.

and it's not like. like you haven't thought about it, you have, but it's like this beconing of light that just pours itself onto you, onto your existence, something that you've wanted for so long - and you just.

you feel happy.

genuinely, honestly, sincerely happy - and condsidering that for years you haven't been able to say that, well.

that says a lot, in itself.

~

the group's dynamic isn't the same. hasn't been for months, whether mark was around or not, and you find yourself wondering when everything changed so much with (and without) you noticing, at the same time.

it's kind of like seeing someone that you haven't seen for years. you know their name, their general appearence, maybe you've heard something from someone else pertaining to that person.

but you don't actually know them. you like to think that you do, like to be able to add to the list of the people who know and somewhat care about your existance -

but it's like looking at a blank page, in the end.

like trying to relearn someone that you've never met.

this is the group that you were brought into, and you love them all the same.

no matter what.

~

the public takes the news terribly, as expected. there are mulitple theories as to where mark actually is, and what is going to happen to the future of got7, despite the many lies that you've all spitted out in spite of yourself, and in benefit of your company, your career.

the facility has said that he should only be there for a few months, tops - depending on his behavior, his coping skills, his medication, his therapy.

you can't say that you're unhappy with the decision, because no, you're not. you're above the moon that he's there, getting help, and that mark - your mark - will be back to you soon.

but when you're laying there, room pitch black, the covers piled over your head, hugging a pillow so tightly that it feels like your body will cease to the bottom of the earth -

you find yourself only wishing that he was here, beside you.

~

you still remember the day after mark left.

everyone was going on as usual, the laughter and joking going on between members, the loud remarks from the maknaes coursing through the room with the hyungs yells shortly following behind.

none of you were sure of whether to speak about it. about what happened. it was peaceful, a mutual decision made by all of you, you won't deny; but didn't it hurt like hell to have someone so close to you being so far away.

 so close yet so far, something that you've always dreaded.

the members had all hugged each other tight the night before, whispering acts of encouragement, promises laced in the comfort of arms, breathing, heart beats of seven.

before the night had ended, mark had pulled you to him, breathing you in like he wouldn't see you for years. and after being with each other for so long, consistently, just a few months away from each other would feel like years, you were sure of it.

he kissed you with relief, a sweet tenderness that you hadn't felt since the first kiss that you had both shared years ago. and you don't want this to come off as if you weren't happy in the relationship (if it could be called a relationship - neither of you were ever very keen on labels).

you were, majorly happy.

there was just something else always there, lurking in the shadows. something that told you, deep down, that this, whatever it was, wasn't a good idea; wasn't going to be healthy for either of you.

which, in hindsight, you were right.

it wasn't healthy for either of you.

but, hey.

he loved you, and you loved him.

he loves you, and you love him.

and isn't that the most important thing of all?

~

you remember when you first met him.

the first meeting had consisted of stumbling of words, shy glances, bows so low that you could nearly touch the floor.

he looked at you, and you looked at him.

he was older than you, held the high and mighty age force that neither of you followed for that long with each other. didn't seem necessary when just two nights later it seemed like you knew each other for your whole lives.

already too comfortable.

always too comfortable.

you remember looking at him, and seeing a star immediately. just something about him - the way that he held himself, the way that he spoke, the way that he seemed so at home, the way that his eyes seemed to light up, sprinkled with star dust -

and you knew, you just knew, that upon meeting him - no matter what happened within the group, whether you debuted or not - that your life had changed forever.

looking at him now, you realize that you still feel the same way about him that you did when you first met, all those years ago.

~

you remember when he came back to you.

it was about a month after expected, due to a few setbacks - that you were expecting, if you were to be completely honest. 'stubborn' might also be a word to describe him, but you didn't say anything, if asked about it.

you didn't care.

when he came back, smile wide, suitcase near his feet, soft padded jacket laced around his body, loose fitted jeans attached to his lithe and healthy muscled body - you can't help but run up to him, nearly throwing yourself into his arms.

and you would've, if bambam wasn't just on your tail.

you both crash into him, the other four following close behind, soft laughter chasing after your actions.

you can just hear the smirks that are on all of their faces, can just hear the teasing from here.

that doesn't bother you though.

soon enough you're all wrapped around him, seven bodies crushed together, maybe a few tears added in their somewhere, who knows.

(you know. there were).

~

you're both lying in bed, fingers laced together between your torsos, legs intertwined, foreheads pressed together against the soft ridden pillow.

you're talking in hushed whispers, as it's late in the morning, and you both know that you need rest if tomorrow is going to be a good schedule day.

you pull him to you, for once. you bring him closer, press your dry lips flush against his plump ones, and the feeling that spreads through you is something that you haven't experienced nearly enough of since he's been home.

you both stay like that for a moment, but it doesn't go any further.

it's too early, yet too late, to go any further.

and when you pull away, feeling like your body is cascaded in fire, burning your soul, making something beautiful out of a wrecked being -

and when you see his eyes light up with that childish mirth that you haven't seen in years, that happiness that you always knew was there but never quite could get him back to -

you know that this life, this complicated mess, is exactly where you're meant to be, what you're meant to go through.

and that you wouldn't trade it (or him - any of them) for the world.