Now that You’re Gone
 
   I loved him…and that’s the beginning of everything…
 
   That’s a passage in my favourite book I used to love to read when I was young. Why am I telling you this? It’s because that sentence stands true for me. The day that I started to love him…was the beginning of everything for me. This is the start of a love so magical and so breath-taking, yet so painful…
 
   Whose story?
 
   Well…it’s mine.
 
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    My name is Kim Jongwoon, but I prefer to be addressed as Yesung. It all started when I met him; his name is Cho Kyuhyun. I came from Cheonan and I moved to Seoul to continue my studies.
 
   I grew up in a province so I wasn’t used to the city yet. So many things amazed me, but I knew that such things were perfectly ordinary for others. I was standing there, in the middle of the corridor on my way to classroom when a rushing student bumped into me.
 
   In our collision, all my books scattered across the floor. I was irritated but instead of wasting time confronting the man, I just gathered my things quickly. The man didn’t hesitate to help me…and that’s when our eyes first met.
 
   The guy was handsome…no, he’s very handsome. His looks could’ve sent every men and women on edge. Eyes that were so deep and expressive; staring at me as if he could see right through my soul, drowning me in the process.
 
   We just stood there; feasting each other with our eyes, maybe somehow afraid that if we looked away, we would vanish from each other’s sight. The harsh sound of a bell; that was what woke us up. Slightly shaking his head, he smiled at me, and my intelligent response….was to blush.
 
   “What’s your name?” he asked.
 
   “I’m Kim Jongwoon, but you can call me Yesung,” was my reply. “What about you?” Yesung also asked.
 
   “I’m Kyuhyun. Cho Kyuhyun,” Kyuhyun said, smiling at me.
 
   As cheesy as it sounds, I knew it right there and then…he’s the one.
 
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   That was not our last encounter. Years, months, days, hours, minutes, and seconds passed were spent with us knowing each other or just being together.
 
   Our first encounter was magical for both of us; we couldn’t help but see each other again. We went to school together, ate together, do homework together, and did many things together. We were in love, and we’re not going to question it.
 
    A year of getting to know each other passed. He courted me. A few more months after that, I said “Yes.” We’re on a date that time; I had already planned to let him be my boyfriend before that, so I prepared a surprise gift for him.
 
   He opened my gift; it was a simple shirt. He looked at me, curiosity burning in his eyes. I chuckled good-naturedly, and smiled at him, encouraging him to look at the shirt completely.
 
   He took it in his hands carefully, laying it flat to look at it properly. In the middle of the shirt there’s a heart. Inside the heart, a simple word was written.
 
   Yes.
 
   Upon realizing what it meant, he looked at me eagerly, eyes bright with excitement. I smiled, noticing how cute he looked at that moment, as I simply nodded. He started jumping around and shouting in joy. People started to look and laugh at him, but he didn’t pay any attention to them.
 
   He stopped suddenly and looked at me, smiling angelically. He said, “You’re not going to regret it.”
 
   I smiled, and replied, “Just stay with me…forever.”
 
   He gently held me, and took me into his arms. “I’ll stay with you today, tomorrow, and the day after that, and then the day after that…I’ll be with you, forever.”
 
   After saying that, he kissed me. So gently…so softly…so sweetly. We kissed until we ran out of breath. We looked at each other, and said in complete unison.
 
  “I Love You.”
 
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   Being with Kyuhyun was, and always will be, the happiest days of my life. Looking back at it, I can now appreciate our time together.
 
   I’m so lucky that in this big and confusing world…I met him.
 
   I remembered when I was young, I used to wonder. This world is so big, how can we find the one destined for us?
 
   I know I have found mine…but I still don’t have any answer to that. I guess…it just happens. Destiny have its plans…we just have to trust it.
 
   I was happy with him, but I didn’t know why I felt it would not last long. I tried to reassure myself that Kyuhyun loves me…that he’s never going to leave me.
 
   But you know what’s funny?
 
   All along, I was scared that someday, Kyuhyun would leave me. It didn’t happen…I should be happy right? Well…no I’m not.
 
   It’s because I’m the one who left him.
 
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   I had to leave because my mother was diagnosed with a heart disease.
 
   I had to be there for her.
 
   But it was also because my parents couldn’t support my studies in the city anymore. With my mother’s treatment and medicines, I had to go back and just study there, in a school they could afford.
 
   It was the hardest thing I had to do.
 
   I couldn’t tell him. But I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye either.
 
   “Let’s break-up,” I told him.
 
   I couldn’t look at him. I didn’t want to see the accusation in his eyes. I made him promise to stay with me forever…but here I am, saying goodbye to him.
 
   But most of all…I didn’t want to see the hurt in his eyes. If I did, I might not be able to do this.
 
   “Why?” he asked after a moment of silence, his voice possessing absolutely no emotion.
 
   That made me wince in pain. I didn’t want to hurt him, but somehow I wanted to know if he was hurting as much as I was. That way, I would know I’m important too…that he loved me as much as I did with him.
 
   I planned to tell him the truth, about my mother’s sickness. But after hearing his voice, I changed my mind. It seems I’m not important after all; I shouldn’t bother him with useless things.
 
   “I’m tired of this relationship. I want to end it now.”
 
   “If that’s what you want,” he simply said. Then, standing up, he said, “Goodbye Yesung. I hope you will be happy.”
 
   And he left…just like that.
 
   Ending what was once a beautiful love…
 
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   Up to this day, I’m still wondering what would have happen if I had told him the truth? Would it have changed anything?
 
   But I knew no matter how many times I asked myself this, I still wouldn’t get the answer. Fact was: it’s over…we’re over. Nothing could change that anymore.
 

 
   The day we parted, was the day I realized how much I loved him. I loved him so much it hurts. Every memory of him hurt like hell.
 
   I didn’t want to remember him…but I was afraid to forget him.
 
   I was afraid to forget the colour of his eyes, the feel of his skin, the texture of his voice; everything of him.
 
   I could not think of him…but I must remember him…because the only way I could have lived was to know that somewhere in this world, a man named Cho Kyuhyun lived, who once… loved me.
 
   Forbidden to remember…terrified to forget. It’s a hard line to walk. But I must walk it. I must be strong, not just for myself, but also for my family. Especially to my mother who needed me the most.
 
   Deep in my heart I was still hoping…no matter how impossible it was, I still hoped that someday we would see each other again…that someday we would get back with each other.
 
   Someday…
 
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   3 years passed…
 
   And a miracle happened.
 
   My mother totally got rid of her sickness…and Kyuhyun and I had gotten back together.
 
   How did that happen?
 
   It happened when, one day, he suddenly appeared right outside my doorstep. Looking as painfully handsome as the last time I saw him.
 
   At first there was an awkward silence between us, just looking hungrily at each other…then I smiled, and asked him, “Would you like to go inside?”
 
   He smiled such a beautiful smile, it totally dazzled me.
 
   “Yes.”
 
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   We talked…about everything that had happened since that last day that we met, and what we’ve been up to in those three years that had passed.
 
   I explained to him why I lied…and he explained to me why he reacted that way. That he loved me very much, he’s so confused and scared and just being totally stupid that day. That he never stopped loving me even with those three years in which we had no communication. That he wished he could go back to that day and change it.
 
   I accepted all his explanations. Forgave him and also asked him to forgive me. That I also hadn’t stopped loving him. That no matter what we do, we couldn’t change what had already happened. All we could do was to make sure not to do the same mistake again…and start all over again.
 
   We cried and talked some more, then cried again. That day, we slept together; clinging to each other, as if afraid that when we woke up, we would find the other gone, as if everything was just a cruel dream, a product of our own imagination.
 
   I looked at him and my heart skipped a beat. He looked so peaceful in his sleep, almost childlike. I softly caressed his hair, and in a soft voice…I murmured.
 
   “Love is a dream that comes alive when we meet.” 
 
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   I moved back to the city to continue my studies, and of course, to be with Kyuhyun. We’re back to the way we were before we broke up. It’s as if that day we broke up, and the last three years didn’t happened.
 
   Every day was happiness.
 
   Every day was laughter.
 
   Every day was joy.
 
   Every day was pure love.
 
   Another year had passed and finally, he brought me to his home to introduce me to his parents.
 
   His parents were kind people. They totally accepted me, and were already treating me as their son.
 
   That day…he proposed to me.
 
   We were eating and he suddenly brought out a cake. On the cake, with icing it said, “Will you marry me?”
 
   I was speechless.
 
   Kyuhyun kneeled right in front me; extracting a ring from his pocket, he looked at me with hopeful eyes. His parents were looking at me, with glee in their eyes, anticipating my answer.
 
   In a slightly breathless voice…I said…
 
   “Yes.”
 
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   That’s what they said. But what would you do when reality suddenly informed you that everything has an end?
 
   A month after he proposed…he said goodbye to me.
 
   He’s diagnosed with a blood cancer…stage 3.
 
   They’re going to America to seek treatment.
 
   I was broken. Not just because he had to leave, not just because of his sickness, but because I couldn’t be there for him. I couldn’t support him.
 
   And deep inside I knew…this was going to be the last I would see of him.
 
   That time…I wished I could have taken the pain away and kissed the suffering goodbye…but I couldn’t.
 
   You know you’re in love when you don’t want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dream…that’s according to Dr. Seuss.
 
   But if this was reality…I would rather have had nightmares.
 
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   A week after that, I received a call from him.
 
   Asking me.
 
   Begging me.
 
   To let him have euthanasia.
 
   He was crying. I knew he’s suffering. I knew he’s in pain. But I was still hoping that one day, he would come back to me, completely cured, smiling that beautiful smile again.
 
   I didn’t want to let him go. I would not give up on him that easily. Not yet…
 
   Another week had passed.
 
   I received another call. This time, it’s from his mum.
 
   She’s crying, saying she wanted Kyuhyun’s suffering to end already. Begging me to let him have euthanasia.
 
   That’s when I completely broke down. All thoughts of hope and being strong were gone.
 
   I said nothing. I just cried…the both of us just cried. No word was needed…we knew it. It was time to let him go.
 
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   Letting him go wasn’t easy. How could it be…when holding on was the only thing that keeps me going?
  
   I cried and cried that day, hoping to alleviate the pain even a little. But it didn’t…it had no effect.
 
   “I’ll stay with you today, tomorrow, and the day after that, and then the day after that…I’ll be with you, until forever.”
 
   What he said to me before kept playing in my mind, like a broken record. He had promised to stay with me forever…but he still left me.
 
   No amount of words could describe what I was feeling right now. Indescribable pain…yes, that’s it.
 
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   A year had passed…
 
  Things were not much different.  The pain was still there, but not as much as before.
 
  As I watched the sunset…signalling another day’s end, I couldn’t wait for the sun to shine again, bringing with it a new day…a new hope.
 
   All things may have their endings…but all endings have their own beginnings.
 
   As I prepared to sleep…my last thoughts for the day were…
 

 
 
 
-Fin-