Word count: 863

In Gyuri's life there are many things she regrets. She regrets falling in love. And she regrets letting go. But she doesn't regret the time they spent with each other even though she tried to regret that too. 

Gyuri regrets worrying about her lover at late nights wondering if she will come back home despite their fight hours before. 

Gyuri regrets picking up her smoking habit, knowing that it's damaging her vocal cords. 

Gyuri regrets her selfish ways and jealous outbreaks. Knowing how hurt and damaged they both became because of her.

Gyuri regrets letting her walls down and letting another person in. Because the only thing she gained was a broken heart and faded memories.

Gyuri is sitting up at late nights, not to drink, smoke or worry. But to write lyrics. From her heart to her head down to the paper. 

I know it's my foolish greed

But I'm erasing my tears

Swallowing my words

I can't watch myself anymore

Can't watch.

***

Hands intertwined and eyes fixated on each other. Entering love fearlessly and foolishly. You sometimes forget that a sugar-coated knife cuts deeper than a clean one. And fake emotions burn hotter than real ones. Like a broken heart beats faster than a healed one.

Gyuri should have known.

How those kisses lacked spark.

And those eyes lacked depth.

And those fingers lacked warmth. 

Gyuri wonders if Seungyeon ever loved her to begin with. Or if she was just a way of passing time. Things would have been easier if Seungyeon didn't love her. If Seungyeon didn't cry and beg for forgiveness. It would have been so much easier. 

Seungyeon didn't have to ask for forgiveness, Gyuri had already forgiven her. 

Seungyeon didn't need to cry, she looked so much prettier when she smiled.

Seungyeon didn't have to try to fix their already broken relationship. Gyuri tactlessly pushed her away no matter how hard she tried.

Seungyeon didn't love Gyuri. At least that's what Gyuri told herself. It was so much easier that way. 

If she couldn't run away physically she did so mentally. 

You better walk away

Love will make you run away.

***

Gyuri often lies awake at night wondering exactly where everything went wrong. If it started with her smoking habit or when Seungyeon no longer would return home after a fight. 

Gyuri wondered why none of them could match each others steps. Why it had to be too late to fix.

Gyuri wondered why it hurt so much. Why she let another person affect her in such a way. Why she was so scared.

Gyuri wondered how she got trapped. How the light in her heart had been put out. And why it didn't re-ignite.

Gyuri wondered why she couldn't get the dream they shared together out of her head. Why she didn't go on.

Gyuri wondered when her heart would heal and when the sun would rise again.

Let go of my hand,

it's not too late.

Love will make you run away.

***

Sometimes Gyuri wishes Seungyeon would stop bother her, so her heart could heal in peace. 

So she could forget her voice sounded and how her face looked.

So she could forget how Seungyeon's soft fingers felt intertwined with her own. 

So she could forget the painful look in Seungyeon's eyes.

So she could forget the bitter tears flowing down her chubby cheeks.

So Gyuri could forget the smell of the perfume Seungyeon always wore. 

So she wouldn't remember even if they meet by chance on the street. 

So the painful ache in her heart could finally come to a close.

I can't let go 

or hold onto you.

My lips dry up

and tears keep flowing.

Just one way,

but wrong way.

It's already ruined.

***

If Gyuri where to describe what made her special she would reply with "nothing". 

There are many women like me in the world.

When a heart loses its light and a human loses its hope. 

Nothing can save them anymore.

Forget a girl like me and live well.

Because when you can't sleep and that means no dreams. And without dreams what does life mean? If you feel a little pity to watch a young man die. Do you feel the same pity when alcohol strikes? If you loved once but let go. What do you really know? 

Gyuri wondered if she would be missed. 

If Seungyeon would notice.

If her parents would care.

If her friends still remembered her.

If the person in the mirror was really her.

***

Seungyeon did notice,

And her parents did care.

Her friends remembered her

and the person in the mirror was no longer there.

All clad in black, mourning the loss of a loved one. In the sunny heat of a Seoul day in august. They all cried at the picture of a young and healthy Park Gyuri. Perhaps pretending that she was never anything but healthy. Maybe praying that her heart would heal in the embrace of god. 

They would all remember Gyuri after all, the goddess that returned to heaven.

But what more is there to do?

I'll let you go.