그 마른 두 다리로 어디가
Where are you going with those weak legs? 

It’s a routine. 

Each morning, he wakes up, trudges down the hall and opens the medicine cabinet. Among the assortment of shaving supplies, hair gel, and floss, stands four pill bottles. These aren’t vitamin supplements or ADHD meds like some would probably assume, what’s actually contained in each bottle are smooth looking pills that make the voices disappear. Not just the voices, but the hallucinations, the paranoia, basically everything that’s wrong with Kim Taehyung. 

He feels it, under his skin and at the back of his mind each day. But the funny thing about mental illnesses? They don’t leave once you becomes aware of them. Taehyung knows that the voices aren’t real, that his delusions are exactly that, and yet nothing changes. 

He would be lost, because he can’t help himself any more than the medication (with its dull doses and side effects he’d rather live without). It’s difficult, and if he didn’t have so many people depending on him, it would be a lot easier. But, he made his decision, and he doesn’t regret it so much as wishes he didn’t have to go through this alone. 

Of course, the other members don’t ever let him think he’s alone; and that’s something he’s really grateful for. Though everyone treats him normally, there’s only one person he prefers the company of no matter what. Hoseok’s his lifeline in a lot of situations, on his bad days and his good days. But, mostly, Taehyung enjoys his company because he doesn’t have to pretend to be silly or carefree, he can completely let go of himself, the part of himself that’s just for the cameras. He can fall apart, because Hoseok has always been there to pick up the pieces. 

&&&

It's one of those days. 

He wakes up, but instead of jumping up out of bed and taking his meds, his body just won't allow him to move. Part of him wants to call out to someone, but deep inside he just wants to be left alone. His muscles feel loose and he curls into himself until he doesn't feel like crying. His eyes stay open and his breathing feels raspy. Time feels endless before there's a soft knocking at his door. 

It persists for about two minutes, Taehyung counts, until Hoseok is opening the door to poke his head in. 

"Taehyungie?" The older boy asks, voice soft as he comes to sit down in front of Taehyung's bed. 

Everyone's already up, obviously, probably on their way to practice; everyone except Hoseok.

Taehyung's eyes watch him. But that doesn't make Hoseok move, or look away, he just stares right back, a gentle look in his eye as he moves his hand to through Taehyung's bangs, rubbing at the nape of his neck like Taehyung's some cat (but he does enjoy it). 

"Not feeling too well today, are you?" Hoseok asks, knowing he isn't going to get a response from Taehyung, 

This doesn't deter him one bit though, as Hoseok continues to make small talk. Taehyung just can't bring himself to respond. He feels sick, like he's taking all of Hoseok's kindness with no way to return it. 

"It's okay Taehyung, I won't leave you." 

And he doesn't. 

For the entire hour and a half that Taehyung can't seem to move or speak, Hoseok stays with him. 

The only thing that changes is the few pauses in Hoseok's talking. At moments, he'll just stop, choosing to look at Taehyung. They're holding hands, and Taehyung feels warmer than if the sun were beating down on him, it's a warmth that only comes from Hoseok being this close with him. 

When Taehyung finally feels like moving, he squeezes Hoseok's hand; watches the light shine in the others eye before he smiles.

"All better?" He asks, close to Taehyung's ear. 

Sometimes, he feels like crying. He was fine before, when his illness was his own problem and no one else's, but Hoseok is so set on never leaving Taehyung to deal with this by himself. It's hard, knowing that he might be the reason Hoseok doesn't get much sleep because he's worrying over Taehyung. But he'll always be grateful, because of that worry and the way Hoseok's sometimes more attentive to his needs than Taehyung is. 

"All better." He reassures Hoseok, sitting up in bed slowly, hand still gripping Hoseok's like a lifeline. 

His words mean thank you and I love you, plus a thousand other things he can't seem to articulate right now, but he doesn't have to because Hoseok knows what he really means. 

Yes, it's so much better with Hoseok here. 

&&&

The voices are worse today, he’d taken his meds too late in the day and he’s paying the price for that now. With the exception of vocal practice (where he’d struggled through or missed half his cues), Taehyung feels alright. Well, not alright; but definitely better now that Hoseok is with him. 

The voices taunt him sometimes, because he knows they’re not real, he’s been told that they’re not real; and every time that he starts to believe the constant reassurances of others, the voices are back to remind him that they’re real to him at least. 

The aftertaste of the pills is still present in his mouth, and he doesn’t like the way he can’t completely enjoy the feeling of Hoseok’s soft kisses or the nice feeling of resting his head in Hoseok’s lap. Sometimes it’s so frustrating he wants to scream, the bitterness only lasts for a while though as Hoseok’s warm voice washes over him. 

“Another day.” It’s a reminder, something Hoseok always says when the day is coming to a close, it’s like a marker that Taehyung has survived another day without any incidents. 

“I think you’re more optimistic about this than I am.”

“It’s my job, to be your hope.” Hoseok’s so ridiculous, saying the one thing that Taehyung hates to love. It’s a catch phrase that half of their fans have heard, but to Taehyung it’s truer than anything he’s ever known. 

He used to find it annoying, in the beginning, when Hoseok would say that same phrase in interviews. But then he realized (after a lot of explaining from Hoseok) that the sentiment is different when it comes to him, he’s honestly special in Hoseok’s eyes (for whatever reason, he’s still not sure). 

“I’m sorry that you have to be...that we can’t just be normal.” Taehyung mumbles, looking to the side, away from Hoseok’s stare, but he feels it when the other boys hand stills in his hair, going tense for just a few moments before he’s tilting Taehyung’s face to look up at him. 

“This is normal, don’t think your condition makes you anything less. I love you, Taehyung. Not you minus your illness, I don’t want to fix you. This is something we can live with, and I don’t want you thinking I’ll leave you. To me, you’re normal, and us? Together, we’re perfect.” Hoseok’s words leave Taehyung speechless, mouth open with nothing much coming out. 

It’s astonishing, and Taehyung will be forever grateful that Hoseok can be this way with him, can love him despite all the things that go on in his head. The medications will help, and with the weekly meetings with a psychiatrist Taehyung will get better; but the timeline for exactly when isn’t narrowed down. 

Unlike Taehyung, Hoseok doesn’t mind waiting, he doesn’t even mind the fact that it will be a long time, that it might not even be guaranteed. For this, Taehyung will forever be grateful; for the unconditional love that Hoseok supplies. 

"I'll be perfect for you, Hoseok." He's got his head tilted to the point that his nose brushes against Hoseok's shirt covered stomach, his eyes are closed. 

Because not everyone could be like this, like you, and no one has made me feel this way before. I love you more than I could ever say.

&&&

It happens in an instant.

Taehyung doesn’t even fully regret what’s happened until the next day, when he’s finally regained a better piece of mind; and the memories flood back to torture him. 

The regret sets into his bones like a coldness he can’t escape, as his memories play everything back for him in perfect detail. Taehyung remembers the way Hoseok had stilled, the look on his face going from his usual cheerful smile to something that breaks Taehyung’s heart. It hurts to remember, to realize that the person he loved is in pain because of him. 

Hoseok’s face is downcast, and the short “I’m sorry” that comes out of his mouth sounds misplaced in Taehyung’s mind. Because Hoseok shouldn’t be the one apologizing, not when it’s Taehyung’s fault, not when it’s Taehyung that was out of line. As soon as those two words are said, Hoseok turns away and starts walking down the hall. Taehyung remembers how he could see Hoseok’s shoulders trembling, back turned to him, as he walked away in stony silence. He remembers with crystal clarity, watching Hoseok wipe at his tears with the back of his sleeve before disappearing down the hall. 

Taehyung had watched him leave, not bothering to say a thing; because he’d already done enough. 

Stop trying to fix me Hoseok, like I’m some goddamn charity case. Do you really need to prove that you’re better than everyone, for sticking with me when I’m so ed up, like you’re some kind of martyr for dealing with everything? I don’t need you to pretend you care, like this isn’t some job to you. I bet you think you’re keeping me happy for the good of the band, right? Well ing stop, stop fixing what’s already too broken to repair.  

His own voice sounds like something foreign, even as he thinks back to the moment, remembers what each sound felt like as his mouth spit these horrific words into existence. The easy question to ask himself is, what the hell were you thinking? But, he doesn’t have to ask himself that when he checks his katalk and sees that Jimin has lit up his inbox with almost twenty angry texts. They’re completely warranted, and Taehyung can’t even argue with being called a by his best friend, because it’s true. 

Bangtan is on one of their few allotted breaks, a week off before their schedule begins again, and in this time, Taehyung had thought it would be fine to skip out on his meds, just for a bit. But now, he regrets that decision more than anything. With the slow itch of paranoia that had poisoned his thoughts, he’d gone ahead and said something that’s essentially unforgivable. He might as well just kiss his relationship goodbye, he’d actually be fine with that, if it weren’t for the fact that it wouldn’t just be him suffering but Hoseok as well. He doesn’t deserve that, he didn’t deserve what Taehyung had yelled at him. 

Taehyung doesn't deserve Hoseok.  

&&&

When the pills touch his tongue, he doesn’t even flinch at the bitterness. His eyes are stinging from the tears he can’t seem to stop. For the first time since coming back to himself, he curls into his bed by himself. The sheets are cold around him, and he doesn’t even try to look for Hoseok; knowing that he and Jimin are in the dance studio. He probably wants nothing to do with Taehyung right now. He can’t blame him either, Taehyung can barely stand himself right now.

He slips in and out of consciousness for the whole night, because he feels out of place without Hoseok tucked against him, warm and sleepy with his bangs in disarray. 

&&&

It’s two days later, when Taehyung finally gathers the courage to try and fix this mess that he’s created. Their sleeping arrangements go as such; Yoongi and Seokjin room together as the oldest hyungs, Namjoon and Jungkook room together, because no one else can sleep through Namjoon’s snoring but the maknae, and it used to be Jimin, Taehyung, and Hoseok that shared a room. But, then Jimin moved into Yoongi and Seokjin’s room, and Seokjin moved in to share Namjoon’s space, and Jungkook sometimes falls asleep under the dining room table (for reasons still unknown), which left Hoseok to sleep in Jungkook’s vacated bed while Taehyung stays in their, his room. Alone. 

He stands in front of the door, rocking back and forth on his feet, poised to knock on the door, but still unsure of himself. He remembers how Seokjin had frowned, saddened by the fight between him and Hoseok, but he’d brought Taehyung dinner nonetheless. Yoongi and Jimin, for both being so short, looked absolutely fierce as they told him to fix this right now, Kim Taehyung. 

Namjoon on the other hand, had clapped him on the shoulder and said “We know you didn’t mean it, Hoseok probably knows you didn’t mean it, but you still have to tell him you didn’t mean it; or he’s going to continue crying and waking me up at odd hours.” which, is not the best advice, but that’s Kim Namjoon for you. 

Jungkook had given him a sympathetic look, rubbed his back and said, “Please make up, there’s only so many tear stains I can wash out of my pillowcase.” and Taehyung really hadn’t known how to take that. 

Nonetheless, the dorm is quiet with everyone enjoying downtime in their own separate ways. Namjoon’s wandering around outside waiting for inspiration to strike, Jimin and Jungkook are ing around with the dubsmash app, Jin is reading a book about cooking or being a mom of five (it really could be either one) and Yoongi, as always, is in his studio. Hoseok, hasn’t left Jungkook and Namjoon’s room. Which, is yet another reason for Taehyung to hate himself right now. 

“Hoseok?” he calls, abandoning the idea of simply knocking on the door. He doesn’t exactly want Hoseok opening it thinking he’s Namjoon or Jungkook, that would just make it harder; having to see the look of shock on his face again. Taehyung never wants to be the cause of that ever again.

He waits. 

Minutes one and two are spent anxiously waiting, minute three is spent wondering how long it takes someone to get out of bed, minute four is spent asking himself if he should leave, minute five is spent realizing that Hoseok might never speak to him again. It’s when minute six rolls around, that the tears fall freely. 

Minute seven is spent begging. His voice doesn’t even sound like his own as he slumps against the door, back solid against the wood as he cries. “Please, please, please, pl-” it goes on, voice quivering as he tries to speak clearly through the spit collecting in his mouth as his crying gets heavier. Tears slide down his cheeks and drip onto his clothes, his sleeves are drenched as he continuously wipes at his eyes. This is what regret must look like.

Minute eight doesn’t last long. Hoseok opens the door just a crack, and Taehyung bolts upright, bracing one hand on the doorframe. “Please, please Hoseok, I never wanted to hurt you like that, I never wanted to make you cry, I’m sorry, I'm so sorry, please just-” it's a hand on his shoulder that stops his words, he’s so frustrated he’s hiccuping, and he just wants Hoseok to let him apologize before he tells Taehyung that they’re over. But the words he’s dreading don’t come. 

Hoseok just guides Taehyung into the room so he can sit on the bed, he almost empties a tissue box as he dabs at Taehyung’s tear stained cheeks. Still taking care of him, even when Hoseok’s the one hurting the most. 

When Taehyung’s calmed down, and he can see without tears clogging up his vision. Hoseok looks reserved, it's almost frightening how drained and almost empty his eyes are. Taehyung did this, he made Hoseok look this sad. He thinks, that this is what true pain is. When all you want to do is protect someone and you end up hurting them instead.

Hoseok sits in front of him, waiting. But there's something different about this time, his hands aren't on Taehyung (where they belong) and his eyes don't try to catch Taehyung’s gaze. 

“I’m really selfish, Taehyung,” Hoseok says, voice deathly quiet as his hands fidget in his lap, “I never want to be without you, I want to go to sleep every night with you, I want to hear you laugh and know I make you happy.” the rawness in his voice makes Taehyung’s eyes water again, but Hoseok clears his throat and continues on. 

“But even so, I never told you how much I love you.” 

In the year and a half that they’ve been dating, neither of them have said those three words. Taehyung has loved Hoseok for a long while, but the words themselves are special, and he hadn’t wanted to say them too soon. He assumes, this is why Hoseok is choosing to say them for the first time right now, when it matters the most. Hoseok’s good with expressing his feelings like that, it’s Taehyung that finds himself grasping for any words that he can conjure up to use in this moment (ones that don’t sound pathetic in comparison). 

“Hoseok,” Taehyung finds his voice, a lot sooner than he’d thought he would, “how can you say that after I hurt you?”

“I know you didn’t mean to, and my feelings don’t change that easily Taehyung.” the familiar warmth in Hoseok’s eyes is back as he settles his hand in Taehyungs, squeezing tightly as if to say I forgive you and I’m not ever letting you go. 

Their relationship is easy on most days, difficult on some, and downright painful on a few rare occasions. But, they are both persistent in not letting go, and the way they love each other can’t be changed by heated words or forgotten promises, it’s not that simple. Kim Taehyung has his problems, and Jung Hoseok has worries, but they love each other and that can, if not fix, help lessen any pain in both their hearts. 

One of the best parts of getting back to normal, is that Hoseok is where he belongs tonight, curled against Taehyung like a furnace. He runs hot at night, skin warm and smooth under Taehyung’s fingers, and his solid weight against Taehyung is comforting in many ways.

“I love you.” Taehyung whispers, mouth close enough to Hoseok’s ear that his breath blows a few strands of hair out of place. 

The soft, happy little sigh that Hoseok releases against his shoulder, followed by a gentle press of his lips; is enough to know that they will be fine, better than fine. They’ll be perfect. 

&&&

When management tells them to pick a song, Taehyung practically buzzes with excitement. It’s not because he gets to pick the song, or because he gets to sing something for himself without at least four other conflicting voices. It’s not even because he’s in one of his up weeks. 

No, his excitement is purely because, for the first time since joining the company and becoming part of this band, that he gets to sing with Hoseok; just the two of them. Namjoon and Jin have already done a cover together, something that their fans had eaten up automatically. Taehyung’s glad to use that as an excuse as to why he wants to cover a song with Hoseok. 

There’s something surreal about being in a recording studio with just Hoseok. Normally, Yoongi would be in the room as well to help with the technical side of things, but he’d pre-set everything for them earlier and shown them a few tricks in case they needed to do more than five takes. So now it’s just he and Hoseok alone in the studio, with just their music. They get down to business pretty quickly, Hoseok kisses him briefly before they separate, and Taehyung’s reminded of how alive he can feel when Hoseok is with him. 

In his own sound booth, he sings like he’s singing to Hoseok; which he is, in reality, and the words move into the air with every ounce of emotion Taehyung is feeling. He harnesses the connection he has with Hoseok, drawing from every deep memory that they’ve shared, as his lips curve around each word. His troubles leave him, however momentarily, and instead of the taste of bitterness and pills, Taehyung feels the intensity of life and love.

The recording is finished an hour before either of them expects it to be, because just after three tries they made it perfect. Taehyung listens to how his singing blends into Hoseok’s rap, and it makes his chest constrict with how much he loves this. Never before had he gotten to hear what just his voice would sound like, and having it mix with the warm voice of the man he loves; there’s really nothing better than that.

“I hope we can do this again.” Hoseok says softly, energy mostly gone, as the calm of being along with just Taehyung lets him slip into an easy sense of being.

Taehyung doesn’t want this to end, this feeling and this happiness. It’s what keeps him going most days (every day), but at least he has something to carry with him everywhere now. The recorded song makes its way onto his phone and he listens to it sometimes and just waits, anticipating Hoseok’s voice to follow his, and each time it still stuns him how completely perfect they can be together. It’s something he’ll never get over.