”Namjoon, you realize you’re stirring your coffee with your lollipop, right?”

Namjoon looked down at his cup and frowned. The pink candy bobbed along the surface.

“I guess I am.”

He drank it anyway. It tasted bitter and scalded his tongue, and a faint taste of artificial cherry hit the back of his throat. Honestly, it didn’t taste any good, but he finished it all. The paper stick disintegrated at the bottom and a sticky layer of pink candy coated the sides.

It was the last bag of candy Seokjin ever bought him.

 

Yoongi walked in on Jungkook speaking to air. He was gesturing animatedly, his eyes a little unfocused, his hands clutching a bowl of ramen.

“Seokjin, I don’t get to thank you enough for the food you make us. This is great.”

Jungkook reached out and patted what Yoongi assumed to be an invisible arm.

“Jungkook,” Yoongi asked tentatively, taking a step forward, “Who are you talking to?”

He turned his head towards him and grinned. His eyes looked a little glassy.

“Seokjin, of course.”

Yoongi’s heart clenched and he gritted his teeth.

“No,” he took a breath, “You’re not. There’s nobody else here besides you and me.”

Jungkook frowned.

“What are you talking about? He's right here. He even made me dinner,” he gestured to the empty space besides him.

And Yoongi snapped. He rushed to the younger’s side, knocking the bowl of noodles to the floor.

“Jungkook, wake up! It’s been a week! Seokjin is gone! He didn’t make you dinner, I did. Do you see anybody here?” he flailed wildly, “There’s nobody!”

Jungkook didn’t seem to understand him. He squinted.

“He… He’s-“

“Seokjin is dead! He’s gone!”

Jungkook finally seemed to wake up. His eyes focused on Yoongi, fuming in front of him with his hands balled into fists. He looked around in panic, as if seeing the room for the first time.

“Where is he? Seokjin! He- he was right here!”

He ran around the room, looking under the table and behind the doors, as if Seokjin had been hiding from him. Yoongi looked on, his heart heavy. Jungkook turned back to him, panic evident on his face.

“H-he was right here. I swear he was sitting right next to me. Tell me he just left.”

The younger was close to crying. He whipped his head around, in a last desperate attempt to look for him. He settled his gaze on the mirror, and his eyes turned unfocused.

“Seokjin!” he smiled, “I found you. I knew you were still here. Yoongi said you were gone. But you would never leave us, right?”

Yoongi couldn’t take it anymore. There had been a fog of misery looming over their house during the past week, no one was speaking, everyone was grieving, but there had been some kind of silent agreement to not talk, not mention anything. But how long could they last, how could they even bear to dismiss the loss of a friend, of a brother? How could they? Something inside him snapped as all his grief and anger poured out of him.

Seokjin.

Gone.

He grabbed a chair and flung it.

“Seokjin – is – dead!” he yelled.

The mirror shattered. All Yoongi could hear was the blood pumping in his ears and his own labored breathing. All was silent. Then Jungkook was in front of him, a fist swinging towards his face, his own features distorted with pain. The older crumpled to the ground, his hand cupping his cheek. Jungkook fell to his knees in front of him, weakly hitting his chest and crying.

“Why did you do that? He was right here, and – and, he was making us dinner and we were together, and –“

He dropped his hands and sobbed. Yoongi wrapped his arms around the younger male and hugged him to his chest.

“He’s gone, I know he’s gone,” he cried, gripping his shirt in his hands, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Yoongi murmured.

He stared over Jungkook’s shoulder at the shattered mirror. He could see his warped reflection in the shards that remained. A tear slipped from his eye and streaked down his stinging face. He felt a little numb.

“Things will be okay.”

Yoongi thought he was trying to convince himself.

 

Namjoon ran. His steps, normally steady and matching the beat of his heart, were erratic and uneven. He could barely breath, his lungs feeling like they were about to burst, yet he kept running. His mouth hung open and dry, trying to in a breath. He could taste the metallic tang of blood in the back of his throat.

In the distance, he saw Taehyung’s head disappear under the water.

“No!” he cried, his voice rasping.

He jumped off the boardwalk, his feet digging into the sand. His steps were clumsy now, the soft ground threatening to trip him up. It was another terrifying few seconds before he reached the shore, and he still didn’t see the younger boy surface.

“Taehyung!” he splashed into the water and looked around frantically.

He grabbed blindly into the murky water and his hand tightened around wet fabric. He pulled. Taehyung shot out from the water, his body limp. He almost fell back, but Namjoon grabbed his arm and hooked it around his shoulders. He half-dragged, half-carried Taehyung back onto dry land. He dumped the younger onto the sand, and collapsed onto his knees next to him. His lungs still burned and his legs felt like jelly. Beside him, the other coughed up water.

Namjoon lifted his head. Anger bubbled up inside him. He lunged over to him and grabbed his shoulders. Taehyung didn’t try to push him away.

“What were you thinking?” he demanded, “How could you be this stupid?”

He wanted to slap him.

“Do you think Seokjin would have wanted this?” he almost yelled.

Taehyung finally opened his eyes and glared at him. Namjoon noticed with shock his dark circles and the hard lines of his mouth.

“I don’t think Seokjin would have wanted to die either,” he spat, his voice still scratchy and hoarse.

It was then that Namjoon realized that Taehyung was crying. Angry tears rolled down his cheek and mixed in with the drops of water dripping from his hair. He softened.

“I know this is really hard. Not just for you, but for all of us,” he started, “But this isn’t the way to cope. It seems far away right now, but one day, we’ll wake up, and things will be alright.”

Taehyung was still crying.

“I… I just miss him so much,” he looked out at the water longingly.

“I know.”

“I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” his bottom lip quivered, “I just want to see him again.”

They stayed quiet. Namjoon was never good at comforting people, but he offered his presence, grabbing Taehyung’s hand and pulling him to his feet.

“Come on, let’s go home.”

 

Hoseok opened his eyes. He groaned when he saw Jimin standing over him.

“Good morning,” Jimin chirped.

Hoseok threw an arm over his eyes. The white walls of the hospital were too bright.

“Don’t ignore me,” Hoseok could almost see the pout behind his eyelids.

“Just lie down,” he said.

He scooted over and patted the space next to him. He felt the bed dip once Jimin sat down. It was a tight fit; their sides were pressed flushed against each other. Hoseok grabbed his hand, out of force of habit or comfort, Jimin didn’t know.

“How are things at home?”

Jimin sighed.

“Not too good. It’s hard to adjust,” he puffed his cheeks, “It’s been really hard on everyone.”

Hoseok turned his head to look at him. The other was staring up at the ceiling.

“What about you? Are you okay?”

Jimin mused over the question. Was he really okay? He put up a brave face for the others, but how long could he really keep up the game?

 “I miss him,” he ended up saying quietly, “I never thought this would happen. The whole situation just, I don’t know, …I feel a little empty, to be honest.”

“Sometimes,” he laughed sadly, “I think he’s still here. I can’t even count the times I’ve turned to tell him something, only to find empty air. It used to be so easy, you know. I’d look around and he’d be right there. I think I took him too much for granted.”

He sniffled.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you guys,” Hoseok apologized.

Jimin shook his head, curling into his side.

“It’s okay. Take care of yourself first.”

“I’m one of the oldest. I should have been more responsible.”

“You were distracted and grieving. All of us were. We don’t blame you.”

“Still,” Hoseok sighed, “Seokjin reminded me every day to take my pills. I shouldn’t have been so forgetful. It wasn’t fair to all of you, having to take care of me on top of dealing with everything else.”

“A simple lapse of judgement. Once you get out of here, I’ll remind you every day.”

Hoseok laughed and ruffled his hair.

“So tell me, how’s everyone holding up?” he asked with a gentle smile.

“I think we’re all just trying to live as best we can and try to move on, even if we don’t want to. But it isn’t easy,” Jimin recounted sadly, “I walked in on Jungkook and Yoongi crying together the other day. They didn’t tell me what happened, but the room was a mess. They must have gotten into a fight; Yoongi’s jaw had to be iced and Jungkook’s knuckles were bruised.”

“They fought?”

“Yeah, but I don’t think it was out of anger. They must have been too frustrated, or too desperate. Honestly it was probably like a slap of reality. They both seemed less troubled when I left them.”

“What about Namjoon and Taehyung?”

“They came back home the other day soaking wet but it wasn’t raining out. I noticed Taehyung run off so I sent Namjoon off to find him. Something must have happened then. They’re both sick in bed now.”

“A lot has happened, huh? You don’t feel too lonely, do you? Taking care of everyone like this, it must be hard,” he patted his head.

Jimin shrugged.

“S’okay.”

“I’ll get better soon, I promise. I’ll come back and we can start picking up the pieces.”

They stayed quiet.

“Why did Seokjin have to die?” Jimin murmured.

“I don’t know. Sometimes, the worst things in life happen to the best people. And we can’t do anything but accept it.”

“Looking back now, I should have been more grateful for everything he did for us. I keep thinking that I should have done this or that, or told him I loved him more when I had the chance.”

“Seokjin wasn’t dumb. He knew we loved and appreciated him. He didn’t need words to tell him that.”

 

“Seokjin, are you sure you want to do this?”

“Yes,” he coughed.

The other boys crowded around him worriedly, but he waved them off.

“I already packed everything. It would be a waste. Just help me to the car,” Seokjin insisted, already hobbling his way to the door.

The others looked at each other warily, but they weren’t about to protest. After all, who knew when they would get the chance to do this again? Namjoon rushed forward and wrapped his arm around the elder’s waist. The other’s breath sounded heavy and uneven in his ears. Namjoon’s heart hurt.

“Are you sure you don’t want one of us to drive instead?” he asked, as he opened the car door.

Seokjin shook his head, grunting as he hoisted himself up onto the driver’s seat.

“Nope. This might be our last family vacation. We are going to have fun like we always do.”

Namjoon swallowed thickly, but he nodded. How could he say no? The other looked back at him with determination in his eyes, as if he was challenging him. He slammed the door close.

“Just for today, I don’t want you guys to be worried about me,” Seokjin glanced back through the rear view mirror, “Let’s have fun. Just like old times.”

 

Namjoon and Yoongi sat up front with Seokjin, just in case something went wrong. These days, the eldest’s hands were always shaking and cold. Today, he was unwavering. His hands were steady on the wheel as he kept his gaze on the road.

“Can you play some music?” Jungkook poked his head through the open screen.

Yoongi flicked on the radio. He cringed at the sounds of cheesy pop songs, but he couldn’t help but smile at Seokjin singing along with the younger boys.

Slowly, the tension lifted. Namjoon was still alert, ready to grab the wheel if Seokjin showed signs of weakness, but he managed to push most of his worrying thoughts aside.

“Last family vacation. Let’s make it last,” he thought.

 

The sun shined brightly in the sky once they reached the beach. Seokjin drove the truck straight onto the sand and parked right next to the water.

“Come on! Let’s lie down and eat,” Jungkook hopped off the back of the pickup with the picnic basket in hand.

He collapsed onto the warm sand and sighed. The others followed suit. Seokjin slowly jumped down and trudged over to the others.

“The sun feels nice.”

He hadn’t felt warmth like this for a long time.

‘Here, Seokjin,” Taehyung shoved a sandwich into his hands.

He had opened the basket and was handing out food to everyone. Seokjin smiled as he watched the others eat. He took a few bites of his sandwich before handing it to Namjoon. The latter looked at him weirdly.

“I’m not hungry anymore,” he said softly.

Namjoon frowned. The elder’s appetite was dwindling; that wasn’t a good sign. He still took a few sips from his soda and the occasional bite of food offered, but he didn’t eat like he used to anymore. He just couldn’t.

“Guys, look! A photo booth!” Taehyung jumped to his feet, his mouth still full of food, “Let’s go take pictures!”

He pointed in the direction of the boardwalk and ran off. The others looked at each other and grinned before following him up the beach. Seokjin felt himself get lifted and helped up. He smiled gratefully at Yoongi.

“Come on, you always love getting your picture taken.”

They trailed behind the others, walking slowly. Jimin was already putting in coins when they arrived.

“Let’s squish in together,” he yelled as he pushed everyone inside the too small booth.

Seokjin laughed as they all jammed inside. He had an elbow in the ribs and his legs were tangled but he couldn’t care less. He could only smile as the flash went off. Maybe this wasn’t the glamorous photoshoot he always wanted. Taehyung and Jimin with their dorky glasses and Jungkook with his stupid hat definitely weren’t part of his dream, but he would never take them off. Normally he would fuss over his hair and his clothes, but he didn’t want to this time. Everything was already perfect.

The sun started to set once they got back to the truck. Seokjin tossed the basket into the back of the pickup and opened the door.

“Let’s race back to the road,” Jungkook challenged.

The younger ones were about to set off when Namjoon suddenly hollered.

“Guys!” they turned back to him, “Seokjin can’t run.”

They dropped their heads guiltily, haven forgotten. Seokjin yelled from inside the truck.

“Don’t worry about me. I’ll follow behind,” he slapped the steering wheel, “I bet I can outrun you all.”

The others started to grin at the challenge. He revved the engine.

“Go!” he yelled.

The others took off running as he pressed his foot down on the gas. The headlights shone brightly across their backs, guiding their way. They looked back from time to time, and Seokjin smiled brighter every time. Once they reached the main road, he opened the door for all of them again. They clambered in, panting.

Maybe he was too weak to run this last stretch with them. Maybe his body couldn’t support him anymore. But he would always stand behind them, supporting them, protecting them, and brightening their way when they needed it most.

 

Jimin sat in the bathtub. He hoped the running water would mask the click of the lighter. He stared silently at the photograph in his hands. It was a Polaroid picture of them, minus Seokjin. It was a beautiful picture. The sunset had colored the sky pink and purple, and the angle was perfect. And Jimin hated it.

He hated it because Seokjin wasn’t in it. He hated it because they looked incomplete. He hated it because he remembered the way Seokjin had hobbled away from them to snap the picture.

He only wanted Seokjin to stay by their side forever. He didn’t know what he was thinking.

“Dreams don’t come true. Wishes don’t get granted. Forever doesn’t last,” he whispered to himself.

He flicked open the lighter and set the picture aflame. The others were scattered on the floor. This was the only one without Seokjin. He watched the flame up the paper, curling the edges and charring them black. Once the fire reached his fingertips, he dropped it into the water. When he picked it up again, the photo was nothing more than a scrap of ash.

He didn’t want to tell Seokjin, or the others, that he wished the older would have had a lapse of consciousness. He couldn’t tell them that a little part of him wanted Seokjin to crash the car. Because then at least they would have all been together. And although he doesn’t mention it, a little voice in the back of his head told him the others all wanted it too.

 

“Seokjin doesn’t have much more time to live. We don’t think he’ll make it through the night. Now would be the time for goodbyes,” the doctor stood in front of them.

Taehyun practically ran him over as he dashed to Seokjin’s room. The others were close behind him. He pushed the door open. Everyone’s heart clenched at the sight of Seokjin, pale and thin against the pillows. His cheeks were hollow and gaunt now, and the skin stretched tight against the outline of bones.

Taehyung started crying as soon as Seokjin smiled weakly at them.

“Hey guys,” he croaked out.

“Seokjin—” Yoongi couldn’t get any further.

They crowded around the hospital bed.

“Taehyung, don’t cry,” Seokjin patted the younger’s hair softly, “I guess the doctor told you the news.”

All Namjoon could do was nod. He couldn’t trust his voice.

“I don’t want to say goodbye, either,” he bit his bottom lip.

“Please don’t,” Jungkook whimpered.

“What are we going to do without you?” Hoseok whispered.

“I know you’ll be just fine. I have faith in all of you,” he turned his head, “I’ve been putting this off, but my time is running out. I have to do this now, as much as I don’T want to. Please, listen to me.”

Taehyung managed to quiet down his sobs.

“Yoongi, you’re the oldest now. I trust you to take care of everyone.”

“I won’t leave them,” Yoongi choked out.

“I transferred all of my savings to your bank account. Use it well. Don’t let anyone starve,” Seokjin managed a small laugh, “Keep your jobs if you can. Hopefully, with one less mouth to feed, with the extra money, you’ll be able to go back to school.”

“Seokjin, please don’t talk like that,” Jimin grasped his hand.

“I’m sorry, Jiminnie. But we both know my time here is up,” he squeezed his hand, “I believe in all of you. You are all strong.”

“Not without you,” Hoseok murmured.

Seokjin shook his head.

“You don’t need me anymore.”

Namjoon stepped forward, tears threatening to fall.

“I should have told you this before, but I never got to tell you how sorry I am,” he kept his head bowed in apology.

“Why, Namjoon?”

“You didn’t deserve all of this. You should have become a doctor, or an actor, not stuck here with 6 other boys barely able to scrape by. You could have gotten out years ago and become successful, not living here, day after day, wondering if you would be able to eat, or stay warm, or even get a good night’s sleep.”

“Namjoon, I don’t have any regrets, you know that. How could I leave? Do you think I would have been happy, away from you? What other place could I call home? Home isn’t home, without all of you.”

“I’m sorry, too. For everything. I think I’m speaking for all of us when I say this.”

Jungkook kneeled next to the bed.

“I’m sorry for every time I ever snapped at you, or didn’t listen to you. You took care of us like a mother. I can’t even begin to imagine the emotional burden you must have carried all these years. I would go back in time and scrub every dish, sweep every floor, and smack myself for not appreciating your help more. I didn’t realize –” he choked, “What would happen if you ever left us. I’m sorry.”

Everyone was crying now. Even Seokjin’s eyes glistened with tears, but he smiled anyway.

“I don’t hold any of that against any of you. You guys gave me so much courage and strength throughout the years, you can’t even imagine. If I could, I’d make a deal with the devil to stay here by your side. But I can’t.”

He was having a hard time breathing.

“Yoongi, take good care of yourself and everyone, okay? I know it will be hard at first, but you can do it. Don’t give up,” he turned to the next person, “Hoseok, I need you to do everything Yoongi can’t.”

Hoseok laughed shakily.

“Talk to everyone, listen if they ever need someone. But don’t forget about yourself. Keep smiling, you know it always gave me strength.”

Hoseok grinned despite the tears rolling down his face.

“Namjoon, I know you. You want to blame yourself, but promise me you won’t. Nothing you did could have caused this. You’re one of the oldest now, work hard,” he patted his arm, “But if your inner child still comes out, I left you a bag of lollipops at home.”

Namjoon dropped his head, chuckling.

“Jimin –”

Jimin shook his head and squeezed his hand again.

“It’s okay. You don't have to say anything.”

Seokjin smiled softly.

“You’re a good kid. Don’t listen to whatever bad things other people might say, okay? I don’t want to see you cry over those things anymore.”

“As long as you still believe in me, I won’t cry,” Jimin promised.

“I’ll always believe in you.”

He struggled to take a breath.

“Taehyung,” he turned to the boy next to him, “Please don’t cry. Stay strong for me, okay?”

He brought his hand to the other’s face, wiping away the tears. Taehyung grasped his hand and pressed it to his damp cheek, keeping it there.

“Please don’t go,” he sniffled.

“I’m sorry, Tae,” Seokjin apologized, “Hey, you know you were always like a ray of sunshine to me. Don’t let your tears put that fire out.”

Taehyung nodded silently.

“Jungkook,” the boy lifted his head at the sound of his name, “I just realized I’ve never seen you cry before.”

Jungkook could only choke out a laugh. He dragged a hand across his face, wiping the tears. He blinked hard.

“I don’t want my last image of you to be of you crying. Come on, smile for me,” Seokjin coaxed.

He gave one last sincere smile with all his strength, with all the happiness he could muster, despite having his vision blurred by tears.

“Don’t give them too hard of a time. You know we all want the best for you.”

Seokjin settled back onto the pillows, suddenly feeling exhausted. He looked at all of them with bleary eyes.

“I love you all,” his speech started to slur, “Don’t grieve over me too much. I’ll be watching over you.”

The others knew.

“There’s a lot of things I want to say, but I was never good with words. You guys understand me, right?”

Seokjin looked around the room one last time. He blinked, clearing the tears from his eyes. He took a shaky breath, then all was silent.

 

Three months ago Seokjin died.

The boys crowded around his shrine. In the center was the clay urn with his ashes and it was surrounded by pictures of their favorite memories. Besides that, the glass case was almost bare. He never had many possessions, and the little he did have were kept by the others.

“Hey, Seokjin.”

It was Taehyung’s turn this time to change the flowers. He unlocked the case and took out the wilted ones, and gently put down the small bouquet next to the jar.

“Life still hasn’t gotten easier yet. We miss you a lot, every day, it kinda hurts,” Taehyung stepped back from the case, “It’s easy to cry when we think about you, but we’ve been trying to remember the good times. I know you wouldn’t have wanted us to be miserable. Even then, even when everyone tries so much, it’s hard to fill your space. You left a big hole in our lives and we’re trying to patch it up”

Jimin swallowed.

“But we’re still living. Sometimes it’s easier to think that the world stopped when you left, but life still goes on. We’re trying our best to cope, to help and support each other, and we’re getting there. Our steps are slow, but we’re getting there.”

Yoongi picked up the dead flowers.

“We all found jobs. Namjoon and I are working in the music store a few blocks away from us, Hoseok and Jimin are helping out at the dance studio. Taehyung is working at a nearby convenience store and Jungkook helps restock the shelves.”

He shifted his weight.

“We’ve been saving up the money. It’s not a lot, but we’re living comfortably enough. You don’t have to worry about us too much, we’re making sure everyone is fed.”

Hoseok stepped forward.

“I hope you’re still listening to us. I hope you’re happy, wherever you are. But don’t forget about us yet, we’ll make you proud. You know you’ll always be our guardian angel.”

 

Like chasing butterflies or wandering in dreams

I follow your footsteps

Please guide me, please stop me

Please let me breathe