Dear God,

I can’t sleep. I don’t want to feel this heaviness in my heart.

God, 

What is going through his mind? Was I too forward? Was I rude in any way? Was I foolish?

God, help me.

I don’t want to feel this constant uneasiness.

I feel sorry, for something I’m unsure of.

I’m sorry.

 

Dear God, please…help me.

 

Wasn’t I supposed to be happy? To see his face, bright and joyful? Wasn’t I supposed to be happy? To have him look at me, straight into my eyes?
God, tell me. Am I not allowed to feel happy when he showed me the different sides of him?
Is it a sin that I wanted to confirm my feelings? Was it wrong that I wanted to know his?
I know it isn’t.
But why am I filled with this sense of melancholy? I’m frustrated to the brink of tears—reasons unsure.

 

As if I’m at my breaking point, all I want to do is run to him and tell him “I love you”

I love you.

I LOVE YOU!

…I love you.

 

I can't.

It’s beyond likeness. Beyond any fascination. Beyond any feeling I’m familiar with.
I don’t understand it.
For that, I’m scared.

God? If you’re listening…

Is this what it is?
Is this fear? Am I feeling fear?
Why?

 

I’m supposed to be excited to all the possibilities; all the beautiful and the ugly. I could imagine it. It’s so clear in my head.

He’ll pick me up from work.
“Hello, beautiful,” he’ll cheerfully greet me as I enter the car.
I’ll remind him to relax from overworking.
“JiHo, come here,” I’ll pull and drag him by the wrist, away from his crowded desk. "I'm lonely."

He’ll take me out.
“JiHo, can we go to play on swings?” I’ll plea, and he’ll laugh and goes to get the keys.
I’ll cook him dinner and he’ll laugh, teasing how burnt it is.
“This is some delicious coal, love,” his lips will curve teasingly, while I’ll pout apologetically.

He’ll pout when I upset him.
“I’m sorry, sweetie” I’ll apologize, pinching his ever pouty lips between my fingers.
I’ll roll my eyes when he annoys me.
“Ya! Did you just roll your eyes at me?” he’ll laugh in disbelief, while I’ll try to suppress a smile.

He’ll glare and scolds me when I do something bad or wrong.
“Why did you do that? You should have more awareness!” he’ll fume, hands on his hips, while I’ll lower my head, repenting.
I’ll make a silly face and act cute when he’s in a bad moody.
“Hey, love~” I’ll squeak in a high picth voice, making weird faces, and he’ll make a ‘what the---’ face before burst out laughing.

He’ll crack a joke and I’ll gravely.

He’ll wrap him arms around me as I leaned back on his chest.

He’ll kiss my forehead and I’ll pinch his cheeks.

He’ll laugh and cry, like an open book, showing me his different sides.

 And with the voice only that I know, says “I love you.”

 

Dear God, I’m sorry. It feels too much to grasp. The tears I’m holding in, they’re threatening to fall.

It’s too much. It aches. My heart feels too full.

God, I think I’m too happy to even deserve it.

God, I’m scared to bear this weight of hopefulness.

 

Dear God, I’m not a very patient person, but I’ve waited for this long.

I suffered through confusion and doubts.

Dear God, I know very well I’m greedy, but I’ve never felt such degree of emotion before.

Before the first tear drops, God. Thank you.

Thank you for letting me have this aching, hopeful, silent and beautiful love.

:')

"I shouldn’t have loved you in silence
The more sadness is held in, the more it overflows"

-Zico, Pride and Prejudice

 

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A/N:

Wrote this before I heard Zico's Pride and Prejudice, I was surprise to find how they related somehow. ♥

My love for Zico beyond me. hohoh ;P