NichKhun - Wooyoung

My phone rang and his picture appeared with the annoying ringtone he put some months ago and that I would never been able to erase. It wasn’t odd to receive his calls at this hours, Nichkhun was like that; always trying his best until the end. I must feel upset because he was being a stubborn kid who couldn’t accept a goodbye but at least I was glad he founded a new hobby: Bothering me, but no matter how much he tried, I’ll never give up. Still, I couldn’t stop the simple smile that appeared all my nights at 8:00 p.m. At the end, I preferred being the one who caused the pain not the one feeling it… I just wasn’t ready for it.

The gray sky seemed to go along with my thoughts; I hang out the phone one more time. I didn’t notice the time I started to be so pitiful.  How many months I would spend trying to understand he didn’t want me anymore? I cursed myself and my pathetic efforts. Somebody knocked my office door and a shy secretary whose name I couldn’t remember came to me:  “Mister Jang, the boss send you this.” She passed me a mountain of folders that I was supposed to review for tomorrow’s meeting. I sighed and looked the clock on my empty white wall: it was just 8:10 p.m. I took a deep breath, this night it’ll be impossible to go for him, again.

I missed him so much, it was impossible to deny it. Even the best whiskey of the bar failed miserably to erase the unbearable and empty feeling that since his goodbye was like a leach inside me. Contrary to my plans the tasteful liquor made me remember all his memories: his touch, the soften lips that woke me every time he arrived from work, his cold body when he jumped in our bed at night. I looked my watch; it was 1:00 a.m. He should be on his office, alone, bored and hating his 4 white walls and… longing for my voice. Once again the sour taste of my tears was mixing with the sweetness of the alcohol.

My phone’s wallpaper was the only picture I appreciated the most in the world. We took it on the highest place at the Namsam’s tower. How can I forget that moment? It was there when he whispered on my ear his first love words to me. When he promised he’ll be beside me even if the world was against us. A tired smile appeared in my face when finally I closed the last folder. It was 2:00 a.m. and I just wanted his arms taking care of me like that cold night on the tower.

It was cold, the autumn weather was calling the winter and the wind seemed to strain on the apartment, occupying his place in the bed. The cold was making me shiver and the empty space beside me looked bigger; I closed my eyes trying to endure the lonely feeling because I told myself that I had to learn to live without him; that maybe one day the time will be kind and his memories will fade out with the pain. I was still waiting for that moment…

It didn’t seem it was morning already. The dark clouds were keeping away the sunlight, it was gloomy and the perfect weather for me, I wasn’t ready for a bright day anyways; after just 4 hours of sleep I was craving for something that allowed me to stay awake. I went for an Americano but I knew the caffeine would only work for few hours. Before, my body was able to resist my schedule only with his smile in the morning, the sugary taste of his coffee and his soothing voice wishing me a good day. I knew I was longing for something that will never happen again, that it was time to understand that only the black Americano will be my only company from now on, but it was hard; I wished I’ve never had his picture in my phone, that the mountain of folders disappeared in the dusk; I wished to be stronger than him, that today the rain will be away… that I’ll never search for him again, but I was wrong…

I was on my way to work when my phone rang. How could I expect that his picture will appear so early in the morning? It was odd to receive his calls at this time and I found my heart pounding with worry but with and expected happiness. My finger that beautiful image; it was the first time my attention was entirely on that silly melody and I understood how much I loved it. The memories of that day when he sang it to me for my birthday carrying a cake, was one of the best days of my life. I wasn’t the corny type, but love can make wonders on people… I didn’t now if it was my sadness, the feeling of the cold that slept with me, the alcohol that remained on my body. Wherever it was the reason, I slipped my finger to the right and answered his call.

I stopped short when I heard his voice on the other side. I didn’t call for this, I just wanted to remember him my existence, and I wasn’t ready to speak with him. His voice was low, sweet and had the same suffering as me. I didn’t answer. Even if I wanted to scream, to run towards him and stomp my fist on his face I couldn’t do it. We weren’t children anymore; it was time to work, to be an adult. “We need to talk” I whispered in the most calming tone I could find. “Yes” He answered shortly. Neither of us was able to hang up or talk, we stayed in silence until the reality and the rain make us run to our life.

Mocha, cappuccino, americano, vanilla cookies. Like a stupid I just went to his favorite coffee shop and bought everything we loved to eat. I remembered this place: All started here, I confessed to you here. I know us so well, we both were coward enough to not end our story in this place and we preferred to keep that part of our past like one of the best moments of our life.

2AM, again my work didn’t let me go with him. I went to my car, put the strawberry’s dessert carefully in the back seat and regardless of everything I tried to arrive there as soon as possible. I knew I was late, but this was the last moment I could be able to see him; I thought on my life, on his life and stopped when I almost pass a red light. This wasn’t going to work.

My heart was beating so fast while my hand was touching the door knob. I didn’t feel ready, my throat was hurting, the time seemed to go slower and then his face appeared in front of me; he was wet, a little of flush decorated his pale skin, his cold breath showed a smooth smoke when it met the hot air of my apartment, a little box was resting on his hands, I knew what it was… “It’s raining” he said and I saw some tears hiding between the drops…

The rain drops were hitting heavily the window, a padding towel surrounded my neck; he was there, in front of me, he knew I cried when I saw him but my pride didn’t let me accept that aloud and I just kept that sadness with me. We both were silent, the coffee’s scent filled our senses “You can’t go out with this deluge” his voice was warm ad tender, I smiled gratefully….

It’s a punishment when you can’t found the right words to express everything you’re feeling. A cruel malediction that makes you shut up and kept inside what is eating away your body. I wanted to scream, to die and finish with the stupid torture being there, watching him suffering like me. I wished the rain to never stop, I would rather being like this, together in the cold…

I can’t hug you, I can’t kiss you; our hearts are beating like one but our hopes are dying slowly, like the sun that seemed to be disappearing lately. If only you knew how much I need you, if only you had the least idea how much your eyes are giving me life, I couldn’t stop the smile while the rain and its melody were accompanying our pain…

Even in the dark of the night I could see that smile full of sadness. The fear of watching you go with the rain increased along with the cold that separate us. I couldn’t let you go, I wasn’t that strong and finally I let my feelings show up and my cry joined the storm…

The thunders resounded on my chest, I was angry. I saw you cry and my pride disappeared, forgetting my fears I walked towards you and took your body between my arms shivering with relieve. I felt like a monster because I was happy for your tears, now it was going to be more difficult to let you go. I must produce so much pity but even if I was clinging to your pain I wouldn’t care to stay like this forever…

Incapable, I couldn’t stop my tears and now his soaked shirt was brushing my cheeks. I just wished the rain to never stop, I saw the silent drops on my window and I took your shirt towards me closing the gap between us. I promised I would never hold to yourself but now I feel you would go if I don’t do this. Why are you hurting me? Why are you letting me wish the impossible?

The rain stopped and so both hearts. The sobs were louder and until the morning neither let go each other’s embrace. At the end, the raindrops were still falling, the cold remained still on the room but even the stronger force wouldn’t be able to separate the two bodies connected to the most capricious love and their eventual goodbye.