If there was a day where I'd be overjoyed by this tender, humidity filled air—it would be today.

 

Humming out her favourite song which only I knew couldn't feel more synchronized with the drumming sensation beneath my chest. Because it was today, I'd be that shameless person who spread out her arms freely on the air, as if appreciating the warmth of the sunbeam. Because it is today, it would continue to remain beautifully engraved in my heart until next year...

 

"Jessica, happy birthday!"

 

Even long before I caught a glimpse of her sitting on the bench, facing the enormous ocean upfront, deep inside, I've been counting the moment to utter those words—every year since divorce of our parents which yield the law that each siblings got to choose either one to live with.

 

"I missed you, sister."

 

Entering the realms of adulthood is when we are silently accustomed to the essence of maturity. There shouldn't be complaints even if we only get to meet once in a year. No whining, tearful reunion, and no one recklessly cling upon the words 'I miss you' anymore.

 

Believes in teoritical teaching as such, I wondered if  it was the price that every growing kid should pay in exchange for transformation into an adult. If it's like that, then I've become an adult who reluctant to look back as the future is more dazzling.

 

"What are you doing? Going there for what?" 

 

"Krystal, listen. Come back. Come back to your senses, would you?"

 

A text came in from -My Bae-. I know I shouldn't look but I still did it so desperately—toward the man who could've become my brother in-law. Kang Sehun was my sister's fiance; he was Jessica's fiancee. As if I didn't already know that, and yet, it didn't stop me from going berzerk. Should I have blamed it on our former family who decided everything in our lives including marriage? They knew Jessica couldn't choose. Contrarily, they clearly saw how a big girl I am to pick a husband on my own—then they ignored it.  when Jessica diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, I got myself a chance. A chance that came with a price of my pride.

 

My desires decide for the trade. At times, I made believed that I didn't choose, and that it was Kang Sehun who had chosen me. Either way, I was never really prepared to lose Jessica. I wanted to keep the both of them, separately.

 

"Unnie, happy birthday." This time around, I managed to deliver those words smoothly. Gently, I tried to pull out one of the earpiece that hung at the side of her ear. 

 

Her pale porcelain face was staring absently at the open air in front. No words were uttered. Not even a glance to spare at me who was literally kneel beside her. 

 

"I bought us an identical bracelet." I said with a hushed tone but again, it failed to impress her.

 

"I guess you don't want to remember me that much..." 

 

This was it—a lucid interval where sounds of nature barely makes it presence as the escalating heartbeats from within predominate.

 

"Isn't it pretty?"

 

"Cute. Mine is...here,"

 

The ocean as our audience while I was being the sole speaker from beginning to the end. It had been three years now, long enough to convince someone that it shouldn't be abnormal. However, it didn't work on me.

 

'Jung Sojung, when will you learn it correctly?' A vivid whisper echoed in that very moment.

 

'The pain of longing for someone, and the one you feel out of guilt...it's different.' 

 

How could Jessica be mad? She doesn't know anything since she was always sick—too sick to latch on anything about me and her fiancee, Sehun. More so, she'll still love me the same as before because of her disability. 

 

"Once upon a time, in a world where there's only you and me..." 

 

Her voice! It was her voice speaking up to me! Our sister, our Jessica she-

 

 

"What are you doing? Going there for what?" 

 

"Krystal, listen. Come back. Come back to your senses, would you?"

 

 

"Krystal!" I saw a person running his heart out toward me. A person who had drawn a line between me and my sister. I've never been this crazy before meeting him. Choosing love this way, I threw away the sense of being brave and brazen.

 

"I've been looking out for you like crazy! Why did you come here again?" Sehun's face tightened. If only there's a day where I'd be able to tell him that whatever expressions he show, he still look great without feeling any guilt...  

 

I wish it was today. I wish it was when Jessica still beside me. I wish while I say it, Jessica is smiling while wearing the bracelet I gave her during her last birthday.

 

"Jessica have forgiven you, us, remember?" Without hesitation, he sat at the space where I imagined Jessica would be. My gazed shifted on him. From head to toe, I tried to put all the feelings inside me into words that he would understand.

 

"Kang Sehun," His name soared, then silence into nothingness, just like the sounds of a person's strangled cry.

 

"Why do you keep looking back? Let's just love each other." He spoke as his eyes closed briefly while he slowly inhaled. How could I miss seeing his trembled lips?

 

He was just like me. This is what guilt does to sinner like us. Insidiously, it has dawned on us.

 

"Are you perhaps...afraid?" Sehun raised an eyebrow. Concern etched on his face. Then, I felt a surge of something beneath my chest.

 

"We're lover now but...I'm the only sinner? Is that what you mean?" I made sure to look straight into his eyes. "Falling in love with you was destiny, keeping you by my side was desire, but...looking back was a-afraid?!"

 

I held the bracelet that was wrapped around my wrist and deliberately show it to Sehun. "This!"

 

One year ago, I came here with two bracelet. A symbol of celebration for Jessica's birthday. On that day, I was prepared to tell her everything. That I regret everything. That I chose to stay away from her relationship with Sehun. That I would sincerely give my blessing for her marriage.

 

"You came to tell her before I did! How could you, Kang Sehun? Didn't you know how precious she was to me?!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

 

"And so did I!" Sehun snapped back. At this point of time, neither of us were listening to each other. I guess, we just want to say things that was weighing in our heart.

 

Sehun spread one palm over his chest. His sorrowful eyes watered. I don't think I've seen this side of him before. It shocked me that I wouldn't dare to voice out anything.

 

"I love you."

 

"I love you."

 

"For all that I did, my answer could only amount to this. Nothing else." 

 

Is love important in our lives? I guess it was—And now only did I learnt the most important lesson from Jessica's death.

 

Without second glance, I forced myself to turn the other side. After failing myself like this, how could I still have the courage to face anyone? Even if it's Sehun. No one will be able to understand, not even the dead Jessica. 

 

Jessica's last words lingered everywhere: Embrace love, and walk. 

 

That sentence was an excerpt from her favorite song, Mirai e. Whenever she has eyes on something, telling it to other is something that Jessica will never do. A person of few words—I used to perceive my sister that way. Never once did I know what she truly felt inside. Mysterious and distant. And so, to put a test on her patience, I used Kang Sehun. But in the end, it's not about who's the person that going to receive the most hurt...

 

"Krystal, yah!" 

 

Sehun's footsteps approaching. My senses knew but my heart was frozen from the moment he said 'I love you.' 

 

My body was swiftly turned to his side when he managed to get a hold one of my shoulder. 

 

"Krystal! D-Don't do this. I beg you, I love you." He stuttered and then again, like he said, his answer could only amount to that, which means...

 

"Stop being stubborn! Jessica is dead! Why the are you hesitating for? She had forgiven and even permitted our rela-"

 

"You should've stopped me," My voice came out tight, strained.

 

"Wh-What?" His eyes narrowed, denoting series of confusions going on inside his head. But I need to stay calm, and do the right thing. 

 

"When I did something wrong like having affairs with the fiancee of my only sister, then, as a person who declare that they loved me, shouldn't you stop me from keep going to the dark's side?" There, I put a safe distance bertween me and Sehun. From the way he acted, where he was no longer reluctant to let loose of my hand, right at that moment, I knew he was ready to listen. 

 

"My sister taught me th-that-" My body shook and convulsed as if I had no longer taken control of it. With each gasps, I struggled to let out a breath and even after, a forceful sob was released instead.

 

"Jessica knew I was wrong, and she punished me for that. For straight three years, she stopped talking. And y-yet, her last words were...embrace love and walk. So, she knew! Long before you tell her the truth, she already knew! It wasn't her who's sick, it was us! T-Then, you told me...I kept looking back because I'm afraid? Hell yeah! Jessica has been looking back at us for the past three years because she was afraid?!" 

 

It was hard to say if every words uttered were delivered with the same intention to Sehun. 

 

"Can't you tell? Uh? Until the end, she didn't say anything like 'I love you' as such...she proved it...with her heart and action. Unlike us, who did it out of selfishness!" 

 

When I said what's buried inside, it almost felt like as if that heavy sensation in my chest was diminishing. Deep within, I sincerely hoped that it would do the same for Sehun. In love, the term right and wrong is vaguely justified but as an adult, every right and wrong, one has to take responsible for it.

 

Before finalizing my speech, I gave a quick peck on Sehun's lips. A fluttery moment definitely there but less significant now. Sehun's face turned red just like the first time when we kissed three years ago. 

 

"With all her sufferings, Jessica only cared about protecting the both of us." My heart jumped with every words I myself said. Sehun's eyes widened at that, too.

 

"And that...is love. Her l-love i-is forgiveness. H-How could your love...ever surpass that? Kang Sehun, I'm sorry. I'm going to repent for a long long time...before embracing this love of yours." 

 

That day, it wasn't me who took the first step and walked away. Sehun did it, wordlessly. It also indicated that he understood and respect my decision to put our relationship into a halt. It wasn't because of the late Jessica—because we are adult who's obliged to the rules of nature, like the one that have been taught since we're little—do the right thing.

 

* * *

 

Once upon a time, we live in a world where there was only you, and me. We opened our eyes and the first person crossed into our mind were each other. We closed our eyes and prayed to appear in each other's dreams. At night, we count the stars till we fall asleep; in daylight, we played hide & seek and humming on our favourite songs. When it rains, we shade each other using our hands, protect each other like you would do for your own. Thats how we spent our days every day, remember? Sisters.

 

Transition of childhood into adult was challenging, to say the least. It was a process with lesson to be taken at heart. 

 

Who received the most hurt? Me, Jessica, or Sehun? 

 

This story was not about that. It was about who'll be able to bounce back, accepting the past thus moving on. In my life, it was all possible–thanks to her, my dearly sister, Jessica.

 

*** END ***