Leeteuk's POV

I opened the door to the dorm and crashed onto the sofa. I was so tired. Crazily tired. I didn't want to move anymore.

It was 2am, and I just ended my schedules. It was silent in the living room. I could hear Kyuhyun's game going on in his room, and Ryeowook's light snores. I immediately felt my muscles relax at the familiar sounds around me, the familiar smell of home, the familiar softness of the sofa..

Wait. There are things to do.

I sighed and forced myself out of the sofa and trudged to my room. After successfully digging out a stack of paper and a pen, I went to the dining room along with my earphones and my phone.

I plugged my earphones in and turned the volume up, slowly allowing myself to enter my own world.

Slowly allowing Jungsoo to emerge, slowly allowing Leeteuk to back down.

Siwon-ah.

The time has finally come eh? You have to enlist now, it's finally Super Junior's last enlistment of the year. Things were never easy, car accidents, members leaving, enlistments, even... you get my point. But I'm glad we got through it together as a group. Now take it as if you're taking a break, rest well, eat well, sleep well. You're not used to sleeping for 8 hours a day right? Hahahahaha hyung took a long time to adjust too. I hope you do soon.

Army... Too many things happened when I was in army. Although my body was in camp, my heart and mind weren't there almost 80% of the time. I just hope the same won't happen to you. It was really hard back then I-

I stared at the paper and crushed it 3 seconds later.

"You aren't supposed to be ranting, Jungsoo," Leeteuk said in my head.

Things like that happened all the time.

Leeteuk would hold back Jungsoo whenever his (or my?) emotions got in the way.

It sometimes felt like my mind and heart were two different people.

And now after more than 10 years, I can't tell who I am.

I took out my earphones and pressed my index and middle fingers against my temples. The fatigue was getting to me. The Jungsoo whom Leeteuk didn't want to be was showing too much.

I picked up my pen and hesitated for a little, spending some time to get myself together.

Not wanting to waste anymore time, I became more conscious of what i wrote, making sure that I was penning down words of assurance, and not anything that would make my dongsaeng worry. There was enough to worry about in army. I've been through it.

It was almost 4am when I finished Siwon's letter. I wasn't sure my brain was functioning correctly anymore.

I went to the kitchen and got myself a cup of coffee before I went back to my seat.

Changmin-ah.

I only managed to write those three words before Youngwoon appeared in the living room, wide awake. Hasn't he slept?

"Hyung, not sleeping?"

"Still not done with Changmin's letter."

"We have to wake up early tomorrow you know... It's going to be a long ride to Nonsan."

"Yeah I know.. It's alright, I'll sleep in the car. Why are you awake?"

"Just..." Youngwoon smiled and shrugged before he turned away to make sure he wasn't spilling the water he came out to get.

He came over to sit with me after pouring himself a cup of water, taking the seat opposite me.

"Do I get to read them?" Youngwoon picked up the letter I wrote for Siwon and turned it back and forth, raising his eyebrows, probably amazed at how long i wrote.

"Hahaha you know me, it's just filled with corny and cheesy stuff."

He rolled his eyes and chuckled, putting the paper back down.

"Aren't you going to sleep?" I asked Youngwoon.

"Nah, can't sleep. Go on with what you were doing, I'll just sit here."

Youngwoon took out his phone from his pocket to entertain himself while I plugged my earphones back in and got back to writing.

Changmin-ah.

It has been years since I knew you and although you're not from my group, I've always thought of you as a younger brother of mine, just like the rest of my members, you know that right?

Too many things happened along the journey to where we are today. But.. I guess we're doing fairly well now.. It's time for you to take a break from the hectic schedule, and come back stronger with Yunho! Hyung is anticipating that comeback! Your fans are too! Do well in army and time will past quickly! Don't be like me. I worried too much when I was there, and ended up making everything worse for myself. It was a terribl-

I sighed and crushed the paper in my hand and put my head down on my folded arms.

It was like that when I wrote letters to Donghae and Hyukjae too. Army.. was still a sensitive topic.

"Hyung.. you okay?"

Apparently I had forgotten that Youngwoon was there.

I looked up and pulled my earphones out.

"Yeah.. Just tired. Can't write properly."

"Take a nap first then, I'll wake you up."

I suddenly realised this was the reason why I always liked Youngwoon's company. He understood. He knew why I want to do certain things even though it may make me tired or upset. He would find a solution that would work both ways. If anyone else saw me in this state, they would ask me to stop writing and just go to sleep, saying that Changmin wouldn't mind.

But Youngwoon knew better.

"Nah it's fine. I'm not sleepy... Just tired. Does that make sense?"

Youngwoon put his phone down and looked at me in the eye for a good 5 seconds or so until I couldn't take it and looked away. It made me feel like an open book, when all I wanted to do was to hide who I really was.

But then again, just exactly how am I really like?

Starting from I don't know when, the line between Jungsoo and Leeteuk slowly started to fade. Was it always Leeteuk who has been holding Jungsoo back? Or did Jungsoo change to become more like Leeteuk?

"Jungsoo-hyung, you okay?"

Jungsoo-hyung. What was the difference between Jungsoo-hyung and Teuk-hyung?

"Well.. it's pretty obvious to me." Youngwoon suddenly said.

"Huh? Did I actually say something?"

Youngwoon rolled his eyes and snickered.

"Dude you just asked me what's the difference between Jungsoo-hyung and Teuk-hyung."

I must be really tired.

"I actually said that out loud? I was just thinking in my head though.."

Youngwoon laughed and put his phone back into his pocket.

"So.. should I pretend I didn't hear it?"

No. Tell me.

Youngwoon's eyes met mine again. "You want me to tell you."

I raised my eyebrows and felt goosebumps rising on my arm.

"I'm pretty sure I didn't say that out lou-"

"I can tell." Youngwoon said as he cut me off.

There was this warm feeling in my chest. Was this the feeling I aimed to let others feel? The feeling of being understood?

"Teuk-hyung.. When you are Teuk-hyung there's this barrier within you. A barrier which is able to break through other people's walls, yet not allowing others to do the same. And inside that barrier is Jungsoo-hyung. The Jungsoo-hyung whose heart will break at the slightest things, who would willingly do anything for the people he love even if it meant hurting himself. The Jungsoo-hyung who is strong, but sometimes not quite rational."

I stared at Youngwoon as the words spilled out from his mouth. I felt tears well up in my eyes as each word touched my heart.

"When you're Teuk-hyung there's this determined look in your eyes. The determination to do well, the determination to work hard, the determination to bring Super Junior to greater height. And it feels like, nothing can stop you from working hard to get what you want.

But when you're Park Jungsoo.. Your eyes soften and there's always this tinge of sadness and tiredness. When you're Park Jungsoo, it reminds me that hyung is only human, and not the superman he appears to be in front of thousands of people."

I couldn't find any words to reply to what Youngwoon just said. It was like I lost my ability to speak.

I felt so exposed yet so comforted at the same time.

"Youngwoon I..."

Youngwoon smiled and rose from his seat.

"I know you don't know what to say. Sleep soon hyung, I'm going to try to sleep now."

I smiled back and nodded.

He knows. I don't have to say a word.

"Youngwoon-ah," I called as he reached the hallway.

"Thank you."

There wasn't much words left to say except that. He smiled and turned back to continue walking to his room.

"Do you understand so much because... It's the same for Kangin and Youngwoon?" I called out to him just as he reached his room door, which was the one closest to the living room.

This time, he didn't turn back.

Instead, he looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath.

"I thought no one would notice," Youngwoon whispered, and if not for the fact that Kyuhyun had went to sleep and off-ed his game, I wouldn't have heard him say that.

Youngwoon went to his room and closed the door behind him before I could reply.

"I did.. I noticed," I whispered to myself as I looked at his closed door.

Changmin-ah...