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Myungsoo’s vision blurred as tears sprung in his eyes, the photos before him turning into a haze of colours. As the memories once again flashed through his mind, more tears came out until he was crying freely. For ages Myungsoo just sat there, crying as he thought about past and wishing so badly he could go back in time.

Some time later, somebody came into Myungsoo’s room. They took the photo album gently out of Myungsoo’s hands before pulling Myungsoo into a warm embrace. Myungsoo buried his face into the person’s shoulder to cry some more. Even after so many years, the pain still hurt the same.

“Don’t cry anymore Myungsoo. It’s not your fault. And you know Sungyeol wouldn’t want to see you like this.”

This only prompted another wave of tears to form in Myungsoo’s eyes but he tried his best to stop. They were right. Sungyeol wouldn’t want him to cry like this. Sungyeol always said he liked Myungsoo’s smile the best.

Sungyeol. Lee Sungyeol. The love of his life, the most beautiful person he knew and the brightest and bubbliest of them all. A single smile from Sungyeol would light up Myungsoo’s whole day. Sungyeol who was always so full of hope, who always saw the best in people, who always made sure everyone around him was happy. Sungyeol never failed to compliment Myungsoo every day and was always there to help Myungsoo through the dark times.

But little did anybody know what was hidden behind those beautiful smiles and tinkling laughter. And when Myungsoo finally realised; it was too late.

Myungsoo should’ve known when Sungyeol started losing weight all of a sudden. Sungyeol said he wanted to reinvent himself. He should’ve been more alarmed when the dark circles under Sungyeol’s eyes became a permanent feature on his boyfriend’s face. He should’ve tried harder to stop Sungyeol when the other started drinking up to ten coffees a day instead of eating his meals. Myungsoo should’ve been able to see through Sungyeol’s fake smiles and laughs.

If only Myungsoo had noticed how Sungyeol’s eyes had been silently calling for help.

That day Myungsoo knew something was going to happen. For the whole day, everything felt wrong. But he had no idea what could possibly be wrong until he had gotten back to his and Sungyeol’s home that night. When he saw the dark windows, with not a single light on, he could feel his world crashing down. Because Myungsoo could feel it, even if he didn’t know what it was.

Myungsoo had burst through the front door in a panic, dropping everything and bolted to their bedroom. He had turned the doorknob with a suffocating feeling of dread and when his eyes landed on Sungyeol, he had dropped to his knees in devastation. Sungyeol had lain on the bed, straight, with his feet together and hands placed on his stomach. His eyes were closed and his lips had the barest hint of a smile.

Later on Myungsoo picked up the empty white bottle of sleeping pills with shaking hands and he finally understood everything. Myungsoo finally realised that Sungyeol wasn’t as perfectly bright and happy like he had wanted everyone to believe. That behind those beautiful smiles was a boy who had needed to be saved.

If only Myungsoo had realised all of this earlier. If only Sungyeol had called out to someone, anyone.

If only.