I woke up with a beautiful sun rising highly above the sky greeting my new beginning with a heat. Stretching out my arms, I yawned. Today I’ll have to start my new journey and try to find and maybe win something that belonged to me before.

Something that I have been wishing to hold once again. Someone that I made a promise with. Someone worth turning my back for everything else.

As I entered the foreign building I felt stares lingering through my back, I shivered, tugging my eye glasses I lowered my head a little. I was never afraid of people’s stares before, in fact I loved them. Normally if I would walk again in this scene I would probably be overly proud and strut my way like I’m some boss filled with so much confidence, but some things has to change if you want something back, right?

The bell rung indicating the time has reached its limit, I slowly walk through the hallway trying to find the right room after having a visit at the head office. Butterflies started flying crazily inside my stomach, never in my life had I experienced such amount of them; I sighed a big amount of air as I looked at the numbers above the door. Inhale, exhale, I reached for the door and knocked a few times, seconds later it opened revealing a lady which I think is around her late forties. I bowed and handed her the paper given to me earlier, she smiled and motioned for me to enter.

Immediately as I entered I felt those stares again, I tried to control my trembling knees and avoided the crowd.

“Well, I guess we have a new student here, please introduce yourself.” I looked at her and nod a little.

“Hello, I’m Lu Han I hope to be friends with you,” I bowed, full of respect and nerves as I also try to smile after.

“Tsk, nerd.” I hear someone from the class said, back to the old me I would’ve been pissed off and started ing at whoever insulted me or maybe it would’ve been me who insulted the newcomer as I make jokes with my so called bunch of friends.

“Be nice to her.” The professor warned and gave me an apologetic smile. I shook my head trying to say that it’s okay, after all, I’ve grown to acknowledge it. Rather, things like this makes me laugh instead, how ironic it looks I could never tell, in the past I was the one with all the honors and doing all those things and now it’s me who’s being poorly criticized.

Back to those good old days, every time I step a foot inside the gates people would start rushing over me, girls praising how good I look, asking stuffs on how to be like me which I would coolly or maybe sarcastically answer with “Nothing you can do”, and then there are boys who would try to impress me and all which I obviously don’t give a hell as I have already fixated my eyes in only one guy. But here, it’s different, no squeals of ‘Go out with me’ or anything, just pure lame, lazy, and I-don’t-care features in which I understand with all knowledge, I mean who would ever give a on a nerd?.

No one obviously.

Not even me, honestly. But that’s fine. That is what I want.

I sat quietly at the seat the teacher had assigned for me, thankfully it was at the back and beside a window, just the way I liked it. I looked ahead of me on the other side of the room perfectly in time to locked eyes with those beautiful ones. I felt my heart skipped a beat and those butterflies which I thought had a great amount earlier can never be compared to how many I’ve got right now. It was just seconds before his seatmate had nudged him to pay attention, but those seconds felt like years to me. It felt like those years of being away had already paid off with those seconds.

Slowly I put my hand at my chest right where my heart is.

Do you remember me?

-

She found me, I’ve left her without anything yet she found me.

Do you understand what you’re doing to me? The things you made me feel, they’re now coming back one by one. Just your mere presence is making me go crazy. How could you not change anything yet changed a lot of things? This heart of mine, I never heard it beat like this since I’ve made that move in the past, yet, now it’s beating like it wants to pop out of me and show you how much you made it alive again.

Oh how much I want to hug her right there and then. But sadly I can’t. She should know it, I’m an untouchable, someone that people desires and dreams of but sadly cannot have and she… she turned into someone she’s not.

What happened to my Queen?

Why did you take my words personally? You know how much I hated it to see your beautiful blond locks tied down in that pony tail and your fringe along with those glasses, it hides away those beautiful eyes of yours. How can I touch that smooth skin of yours if you put a boundary between us?

I hate her.

She’s making me go insane again; can’t you just return into your old self? I didn’t realize but suddenly I have this craving of tasting those luscious lips of hers again. I want to stay as far as I can from her, but her scent is like my gravity that pulls me back closer to her.

I think I’m really crazy now, it’s been weeks already since she appeared back into my life and now I can’t think of anything but her. I’m failing my subjects and it’s her fault. I’m falling deep hard again, and it’s also her fault.

But I can’t blame all of those to her, because deep down in me I knew it’s my fault. If I haven’t left her back then, I know I’ll fall deeper than I could imagine and it scared me. I don’t want to get too attached to her at such a young age, because I know a day will come and we’ll have to take different paths and me being the emotionally insecure kid that I am, I’ll never survive. That’s why I asked to leave.

“Yah Kai! Why are you so out of it again?” Chanyeol manages to pull my head out the gutter once again.

“What do you want?”

“You,” he whispered and if I may add, quite seductively although he failed.

“Piss off.”

“What’s going on dude? You’ve been cranky for a few weeks now.”

“I said piss off!”

“Dude I really hate it when you’re PMS-ing, it always ends up on me,” he sulked there beside me with that pout that everyone likes.

“Shut it so you won’t taste the , simple as that.” I didn’t mean to, but I ended up glaring at him and maybe it hurt a little when he retreated back. Smile, a strange absence in his usually glowing face.

But I didn’t dwell too much, the one I’m most bothered with was in the room, trying to conceal herself as much as she can.

While I’m trying my everything not to notice her, it seems like the bullies started on taking a liking on her. I want to slap their faces one by one for touching her delicate skin but I can’t. I want to protect her but I’m not allowed. Why does it have to be like this? Can’t we just be normal for once and let other people meddle with whoever had or does not have a name?

I just want to be right next to you.

-

The days kept on counting and the clock keeps on ticking.

How longer must I wait for you to approach me? It’s been months but you still didn’t say anything, those glances that you gave me is that how far you could go? Didn’t my transformation satisfy you? But weren’t you the one who said that you’d rather date a nerd than date someone like me?

He never knew how hurt I was when he left me, or how my pride got stepped on when he choose a nerd over me. Each day I waited for the door to slam open showing his grand entrance, it’s driven me crazy. It’s still driving me crazy.

Am I not pretty enough?

The guys, I’ve turned each one of them down because in my eyes there is only him. Him with a name that consists of three letters who caught my attention, him who made me feel that fairy tales could be true, and him who reminded me that not all fairy tales have a happy ending.

I like him so much to the point that I gave up everything just for him; that I’m willing to throw my crown and be his slave just to be by his side each passing second. I even change so that he would want me again.

But, did you even love me? Because I do, with all my breath.

Kim Kai, the magic spell that you casted in me were amazing. I can still remember how it feels like when your finger touches my cheeks, or the way you brush my hair, the feeling when your full attention is on me, or when you’re secretly holding my hands under the desk when the class starts. It’s just too surreal for this world.

“Lu Han, why are you looking at Kai again?”

Why am I looking? Because it’s the only way I can do, to just look at him from afar.

“Do you like him?”

No, the last time I checked, I love him, and that was just a second ago.

“Lu Han, are you okay?” I turn to my side; to the only friend I had made so far and probably for the rest of my year in this school. She’s all I have, she’s the only one who had the courage to approach me and befriended me without judging my look when everyone else does. How sad I had felt when I realized I may have caused something like this to someone before.

“I’m sorry Baek I was just caught up.”

“That’s okay, but… do you like Kai?”

“Why?”

“Nothing, I just noticed that you keep on looking at him during lunch.” Was I that obvious?

“I’m just curious at him.”

She tilts her head a little bit as if intrigued and her fringe falls upon her eyes. She brushes it away. “About what?”

“Why does he looks so lonely?”

A glimmer flashes in her eyes before she’s sitting so close to me, now full of unsaid emotions. She looks kind of excited. “So you noticed that too?”

I furrowed my brows and motioned for her to go on.

“It’s only a rumor but they said that he’s been missing a certain person, his friends liked to call that person goddess but no one knows if that’s true since he didn’t showed them any proof that that person does really exist. When he first transferred here he was scarier, no one dared to talk to him but after months he started to change and gain his friends and his title. I could say that he changed a lot from back then but now I don’t know, he has those distant eyes again like he didn’t want anyone to enter his world. Some of our classmates said that Chanyeol has been trying all his best to cheer him up but he’s just giving him a cold shoulder in return.”

I slowly looked back at his direction and there it is, his eyes, his longing eyes.

So you haven’t forgotten me?

-

I miss you, if that’s what you want to know. Never a day did I forget about you. You’re constantly in my mind. Just you. Always you. Forever you.

“I heard from the other class that they did some seatwork today,” Chanyeol takes the chair next to mine and tosses his bag under the table. “Do you think we’ll also do the same?”

I shrugged my shoulder, not entirely pleased of what might be awaiting for us. I can barely concentrate now on my subjects, what more if I had to sit two hours trying to exchange ideas with someone? I needed to clear my mind.

But the professor needed to see results as she instructed and before I know it, I’m sitting right there in front of her. How did she managed to come into conclusion that I failing her subject would be a magnificent chance for her to pair me up with the smartest kid in class? Because had I known, I would’ve prepared for this.

She keeps her eyes on her notes, eyes blinking rapidly as her fingers fiddles amongst themselves. We’re directed to share ideas and opinions about the alarming climate change for a written report to be done by the end of the week. I don’t think I can contribute much. There’s an angel in front of me, and I’m afraid that is all I could ever say.

“S—so,” she starts, voice shaking in nervousness. But her firm grip in her pen tells me otherwise.

“Yes?” I look up behind my fringe, too afraid to make any form of direct eye contact. Her presence is so overwhelming, it scares me that I might not be able to control myself any longer.

“How do we… do t-this?” Her voice is soft, warm, and maybe restrained. She’s fighting against herself, I’m sure of it now.

I bit my lip and watch her next reaction as I discreetly nudge my shoe against hers just like old times. The short intake of breath and the classic widening of her eyes drove my pulse rate to overdrive. I threw everything out the window and smiled for the first time. Her fingers are tighter than before but they’ve stopped shaking. There’s a hidden uplift on her lips and my heart skips another beat.

“Hey,” I cringed at my own voice coming out hoarse, but the surprise in her face was more than appreciated. Someday, I’ll let her know of that. “Will you say my name, Lu Han?”

It takes her a minute before the surprise was engulfed by the redness of her cheeks and she ducks her head the moment she realizes this. I nudged her shoe once again, feeling all giddy and warm. I did it again, and again, and again, and—

“Kai.”

I swear, I fell in love all over again.

-

How easily I gave in, I didn’t know and I don’t want to know. One thing I’m sure of though, I will have what I once had. And this time, I won’t let him get away from me ever again.

The box has been kept clean, yet, still filled of unforgotten memories. The silver band still fits snug on my finger like the first time I wore it. The familiar feeling’s pretty much the same, if not, stronger than before. I want to explode.

Mornings on the hallways have turned rather eventful. Gone were the days where I have to find his eyes, for now, he’s already waiting for me whenever I search for them. It makes me smile but I try to hide them as much as I can, people cannot know. The secret between us. This intimate secret between us.

We never talked, not even during that time we had a chance, it felt like there’s no need for that. I have forgiven him a long time ago. And it seems like he’d suffered enough if this new aura around him is anything to go by. Baekhyun had told me one lunch that his friends are skinning him each day to spill the beans but Kai remains stubbornly silent albeit laughing heartily. It makes my own heart expand to know that I’m the reason for his laugh once again. That I’m the reason he looks excited in every day.

He’s still standing far away from me though, being crowded by his friends and the many admirers on his book. But when he placed his hand around his nape, I knew I saw the identical silver band I had in my own finger.

And I swear, I fell in love all over again.