One Sided Love

We were friends back in our high school life. You were so kind to me because I did not have many friends as you. You were so cool and shine like a star whenever you did something seriously, and that aura made almost girls in school gone crazy.  It all started on the day that the other cool girls bullied me because I was so stupid and weak. That day I could do nothing surrounded by crowded people watching and gossiping. Then you came to save me by giving a hand and comforting me. I still remember the words that you said to me for the first time “stay strong girl, I am here!” at that moment I thought that god had given me a guardian angel to protect me. After the incident occurred, you became my best friend. We always hang out together. You cared about me the most that made me feel so warm whenever you stayed by my side and held my hand tightly seem that you would not let me go. Everyone thought that we were a couple, and they teased us. I was so shy and blushed so hard without you noticed whenever they made fun with us. I did not know why my heart skipped a beat whenever you smiled or laughed. The feeling was so comfortable to be with you who I could lean on whenever I had problems. We always talked about a lot of things regard with study, family, and other favorite things, etc. However, one thing that we never talked nor asked each other was about love life. I wondered whether you had the same feeling as me or not. I was curious what if we could be more than friend. This imagination was so ridiculous, yet it made me so happy and smiled like idiot.

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Everything had changed in the day of Christmas. I wanted to celebrate our anniversary of our friendship, so I called you to hangout. You said you were busy, so I understood and believed in everything you had told. On that day my sister asked me to pick her up from cinema because she had a fight with her boyfriend. When I reached the cinema, what I never supposed to see… what I never imagined… what I never dreamed… I saw you were kissing a beautiful girl nearby the lobby. My heart stopped beating at that moment, and I did not realize that my tears were rolling on my cheek. I tried to comfort myself that It was just a simple thing since we were just friends, so I did not have right to be jealous. I wiped my tears and passed you by pretending that I did not see you. At night I cried silently and ignored your call. I did not go to school after that day. You came to my house but I lied that I did not stay at home. After I spent times to think it again and again, I realized that I should face you and act as normal as I could.

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I came to school again after 3 days of absence. You looked so bright and cool as always. You asked me if I was better from the sickness because you believed my lying. One thing that different now was that you talked about love with me. I just smiled with my broken heart. You told me that you were so in love, deeply in love with a girl who was your first love. The hardest feeling when I tried to hold on my tears. I wished I could bear this pain until I graduate from high school because the final exam of the third year was approaching. I had to avoid you as much as I could with the lame excuses that I had part time class or group discussion. After graduation, I had to say good bye from you because I need time to heal my broken heart. I chose to study abroad so that I would easily forget you from my life. The distance that we had was so far, yet my feeling was the same because I always missed you while you had another girl to care and love.

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Now I am back! I hope to see you again, my long time crush. No matter how hard I have tried to erase you from my life, you were still a special person to me. After I got a job, I tried to find you. I asked our friends from high school about you. They said that after I left, you also left too. They did not know where you would go because you lost contact with them. I felt my heart crashed into pieces. I really regretted of what I did in the past because I did not even say good bye to you in face to face. I thought that you would be happy without me. I thought I was not important for you anymore. It was all my faults. I should have been strong and accepted the truths. If I was brave enough to tell about my feeling, I would not lose you like this. But all I could do is praying that I would see you again my best friend… my crush… my one sided love!

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It has been 4 years of finding you. I was so hopeless to found you. Again I came to the playground where our favorite place after schooling. I sat on a swing that you used to swing me to get higher and higher to make me feel better after failing the quiz. I smiled when that moment came into my mind. But I wondered where you are now? There were three little boys who were playing there happily. Then, a woman in the same age as me came to pick them up. She looked so familiar that I needed to recall my old memories. She looked surprised when our eyes met, and she called my name. Eh, did I know her before? Then a girl at the cinema was kissed by you on Christmas day that year came into my mind. Bingo! I found a hope to see you again.

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Eventually, I found you my dear long lost crush! Sorry I made you wait too long. Back then I was so stupid that knew nothing about your condition and let you suffer alone. I chose to escape from the truth without knowing that you were the one who hurt the most. I was such a bad friend ever. Here I came to a cemetery where the air was blowing and the birds were tweeting. I was standing in front of a grave which had the picture of a young boy smiled sweetly as always. After I met her on that day she told me everything about you. I cried so hard when I knew about your saddest story. She gave me a diary of your which had my photo in it. Why did you suffer alone Kyuhyun? Was I too late to be here? I bowed to the grave and sat down with your diary in my hand. I could not hold on my tears, so I let the river of tears flew on my cheek. Then I started to read your hand writing.

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Kyuhyun’s point of view:

XX/XX/XXXX

It was weird for a cool guy like me writing a diary like this. But I could not help to keep myself calm whenever I stayed with her. She was so fragile that my feeling told me to protect her and stay by her side. I knew I could not think of her more than friend but my heart never listened to me for once. Our classmates always teased us that we were couple but I always defended that we were just in friend zone while my heart jumped in joy because of that fun staffs. I knew it was wrong to fall in love with your best friend when I knew that I could not love someone in this condition.

XX/XX/XXXX

I fell in love deeper and deeper. Being with her made my day more beautiful that sometimes I forgot that I will leave from this world soon, I forgot of my sadness, my sickness blood cancer. Today we talked a lot of things but I tried to avoid the love topic because I was afraid that I would leak my word of confession. Lol how silly I was neh…

XX/XX/XXXX

Today I saw your twinkle eyes looking at me innocently. You looked so strange lately because I noticed that you were always blushed whenever I held your hand. You looked more cheerful but sometimes you got angry without reason. Do not tell me that you were in love me… If I were a normal person, a healthy man I would confess and told the world that you were only mine. Unfortunately, that day would never happen… Sorry Seohyun! You should not love me, and me neither.

XX/XX/XXXX

I had to do something before I leave you. I could not stand to see you hurt because I would not rest in peace if you were hurt to see me suffer in the nearly future. Sorry for lying you Seohyun. I was really sorry that I had to do like this. Thanks your sister who helped me to call you out when she knew nothing behind this. Thanks Minah my best childhood friend for acting perfectly with me. You must be hurt so much Seohyun I could see your tears at that time. The guilty still remained inside my head Seohyun.

XX/XX/XXXX

I was so worried about you Seohyun. You did not come to school nor pick up my calls. I went to your house but your mom said that you were sick when you go to your grandmother’s house. I just left with the praying that you would be fine and come back to school soon because I missed you so bad.

XX/XX/XXXX

Today was a great day for me to see your face after 3 days of your absence. I knew that you were hurting but you never know that I was hurter than you a million times because I pretended to smile while you were crying inside. Just bear with it Seohyun, you must do it for you own sake. I made up about my love story and you never know that the story that I made was our love story because you were my first love Seohyun. Sorry that I made you feel uncomfortable as before.

XX/XX/XXXX

Today I went to see my doctor, and he told me that I only have two months left to live in this world. To be honest Seohyun, I was so scared after knowing it. I knew you were avoiding me with your lame excuses before taking final exam. However, you never knew that I stalked on you to make sure that you were safety everything you do and everywhere you go. Just seeing you silently was enough for me.

XX/XX/XXXX

The time has come Seohyun. I was so proud that you already found your goal in your life. You did not even say good bye to me Seohyun but I knew you had your reason. Do not worry dear, in the nearly future I will be your guardian angel so that I can look after you every time and everywhere you go. Just remember that as long as you were happy, I was happy too. This life was really cruel for me… no cruel for us… I prayed that we will meet again in a better time and better place! I do love you my best friend!

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The last page of Kyuhyun’s diary was really hard to read since he was in the severely condition of blood cancer. I had no tears to fall anymore. It was deeply hurt in my life. Kyuhyun, you were so stupid. You fooled me, your best friend!

Epilogue:

It was a nice spring day, and I sat alone under the oak tree near Kyuhyun’s grave. In this season and weather, it was really fresh to write about my love story with Kyuhyun. I closed my note book and looked at the clear blue sky. Now the story was finished but my love for you was eternity, right Kyuhyun oppa? I knew you were here sitting beside me because you were my guardian angel!

To fall in love is never wrong but the thing is that are you brave enough to confess your love? Who know if your one sided love has the same feeling as you? Only his diary knew about this. You would lose both friendship and love at the same time if you made the wrong decision….

The end!