You know that moment when you feel like everything’s fallen apart? I guess that’s what I’m feeling right now, or am I just exaggerating?
Never have I thought that I would be this vulnerable, simply because I was raised not to feel, to hide my emotions and most of all, to not fall in love.
One person, my best friend, Song Joongki changed that.

I decided to clear my mind off him by taking a stroll at a nearby park. It didn’t help at all. As I was walking by , I kept thinking of him.

Looking back, just like me, he was never an optimist. Even though we both came from different backgrounds, he was just too similar. He doesn’t believe in love, he never express his feelings or at least never had the time to. I guess it was inevitable since he grew up having to take care of his sister, alone. That stupid bastard.. He could’ve just asked me.
I remembered our conversation a few years ago, I think it was when we were studying abroad.

“Why won’t you accept any of my money?” I asked. Genuinely wondering what kind of person rejects money especially when that person is in a financial crisis.
“I would seem like a gold digger if I did.” He quietly replied still having his eyes fixed on his book.
“Think of it as a donation from Jeon Joohee to the Song siblings.” I told him, I might sound cocky but he should be used to it by now.
“Instead of giving those money to me, you might as well donate it to charity, at least it’ll help your image a bit.” He again replied but now he was looking intently at me. He continued, “However, you might get some more backlash, if you donate large amount of money publically.”
“Clearly. You’re breaking your bones sending money to your sister as well as trying to pay off the tuition fee.”
“She’s my one and only family, even if I die from exhaustion, I wouldn’t have any regrets.” He said and left me speechless. That sentence only made me more curious about Song Joongki but I didn’t bother to ask. If he doesn’t want my help, I shouldn’t force him. But I was still wondering at that moment,
Why did he refuse? Will it hurt his pride if he would’ve have just accepted those money?
I mean he could’ve at least use that money to pay off his tuition fee. Why did I even care ? 

I was really stupid back then wasn’t I, Joongki? I was ready to give you a hefty amount of money even though I barely knew you. But now, you’re finally financially stable and you have to go through this.

There’s some nights when you feel sleepless, as if waking up just made you feel more exhausted rather than regenerated. Those nights those images flashed back in my dreams, or I should say, nightmares.
I have to admit, the reason Joongki is currently admitted to the hospital is because of me. He was hit in the head because of me. If I hadn’t walk through that certain street especially at night I wouldn’t have to watch the person I care about beaten right in front of my eyes. I honestly didn’t know which one was scarier, almost getting by a bunch of thugs or watching him get beaten violently. Either way, both of it made me feel tired and restless lately. For the first time ever since I can remember, I was scared. What if he doesn’t wake up? What if I lose my friend? It was hard for me to inform Yoobi, his sister about it but I did it anyway because, his one and only family deserved to know what, how and why did it happen to her brother. Even so, I felt bad, Yoobi hasn’t left his side and she’s even skipping classes. I decided to visit him tomorrow. It  was about time I pay another visit to him. Resting just makes me feel restless and Yoobi should probably go back to school, if Joongki knows that she’s been skipping class, he’d  be disappointed.

The next morning was just.. sh*t.
And it all started with breakfast.
“Joohee, are you alright ?” My younger sister,Soohyun asked with a hint of sarcasm.
“Why? Did something happen to you?” Eomma (mom) asked.
“I heard that you’ve been ditching work for the past few days .” Abeoji (father) added.
“I saw an article online claiming that Joohee’s pregnant…. with her boy friend.” Soohyun spoke.

Boyfriend? How I wish.

“You should stop believing in rumors, Soohyun,you should start focusing on your studies and Joohee, as a Project Director you should do your work properly and stop hanging around with that kid.” Abeoji firmly stated.

That kid saved my life. He’s the only person I can talk to without feeling the need see him as a threat or competition

“I’m going to set you up for a blind date so you should really stop hanging around with that kid.”Eomma said.
“He didn’t even come from a good background, he could just be another gold-digger.” Soohyun muttered but I can hear her loud and clear. That little piece of sh*t.

“I was almost a few days ago and I stayed home because I was traumatized. I watched my best friend getting beaten up trying to save me and he’s still unconscious in the hospital. Gold digger? He never once accepted money from me and yes, he didn’t come from a good background, he’s a doctor now, a great one so please do me a favor and don’t look down on him.” I stood up and left my seat. That was my last straw. Although my family always criticize our friendship and I should get used to it but now, I just felt like he didn’t deserve it. What wrong did he do ? Being Jeon Joohee’s friend?
At least I know I can count on him. He’s the only one that has my back and he promised never to leave. At least, that’s what he told me and Song Joongki never breaks his promise.

“Do you ever regret being friends with me?” I asked as we both were walking at the streets of Seoul.
“Yes.” He replied and sips his coffee.
I scoffed but then ask, “So why didn’t you leave?”
“Why didn’t I ? You have the worst personality, you’re a showoff, a rude brat and not to mention you have a horrible temper..” He said but I cut him off, “I get it.”
“but soon I started seeing myself in you. An attention seeker, who pretends to be cold and heartless.” He continued.
  So he noticed? Of course he did, if someone who’s smart as him can’t notice how and I behave as such then I don’t think anyone would.
“Why don’t you just get a girlfriend then Mr. Attention-seeker?” I asked jokingly.
“Too much commitment besides, if I get a girlfriend, I wouldn’t be able to have girl friends. So, until you get a boyfriend or a husband, I won’t ever leave you alone.” He answered and then a couple who was wearing matching t-shirts passed by us holding hands complimenting each other.
“Ew.”
“I know right.” He said
“What if you get a girlfriend first?” I asked again
“Don’t worry, it’s going to take a while. I’ll probably wait till I become a successful doctor.” He replied

Right now he can finally get a girlfriend, since he is now a doctor but I don’t think I would want him to get a girlfriend or find a wife. I would just lose my best friend if so.
Nevertheless, he has to wake up. Wake up Joongki-ah.

I sat at the backseat of the car and hired a driver to drive me to the hospital because let’s be real, I might get into an accident if I were to drive.
I suddenly received a phone call from Yoobi. I picked it up.
“Yes?”
“Joohee – unnie! Oppa woke up!” She spoke.
“Really?!! I’m on my way to the hospital so just wait.” I told her.
“Do you want to talk to Oppa?” She asked and she passed the phone to her brother.
“Hello?” I heard his voice.
“Joongki?”
“Joohee?” He asked.
“Are you all right? I saw you getting..hit and you just..won’t wake up” My voice started to become shaky and tears were b in my eyes .
“I woke up though and I’m okay now. You?” and now it’s his turn to ask.
“I’m not. I just..” At that moment I just cried. I didn’t know why I cried. Was it because of guilt or was it because I was truly happy that he’s awake? Jeon Joohee doesn’t cry, Song Joongki is the only person who effortlessly made her cry since, ever.
“Don’t cry, Jeon Joohee doesn’t cry.” He firmly said.
“Too late.”
“I’ll see you later, Yoobi needs her phone and she has to go to school now.” He said and I can clearly hear Yoobi shouting ‘Oppa!’ to him
“Okay.” I ended the call

“Miss Joohee, we’ve arrived.” The driver said.
I exited the car and quickly ran to his ward.

“Joongki.”
“Joohee”
“Where’s your sister?” I asked
“On her way to school perhaps.” He answered.
In that moment we were just staring at each other. Him on the bed with bandages and bruises and me, with my puffy eyes and pale faced.
“You haven’t eaten much haven’t you?” He said and I only nodded.
“I guess it’s isn’t fair for you since I’ve gotten plenty of rest and you look restless. Did they touch you?” He asked
“No. The police came right on time.”
“That’s a relief.”
“I wanted to tell you 4 things as I was waiting for you to wake up.”  I told him.
“Okay, what is it ?”
“Thank you for saving my life. Sorry that I caused you to be in this state. I like you more than a friend and I love you.” I honestly told him. I was scared that I might not be able to tell him this in the future so that is why I said that to him.
For a split second I can feel him just staring intently at me until he said, “ What kind of horrible jerk would leave his best friend to get by a bunch of thugs. I’m sorry as well that I couldn’t protect you from ever being in that situation. I like you too but if you’re only going to say that because I saved your life then I can’t accept your heart because I don’t think I deserved it. What ever happened to the girl that doesn’t believe in love?”
“Song Joongki happened. Fine, it was probably because of your action but, for the past few days I didn’t know which one was scarier, losing you or losing my dignity. I just couldn’t stop thinking about you, like a crazy person!”
“Stop it.” He said and then continued, “Jeon Joohee doesn’t reveal her feelings. Don’t lose yourself.”

He was right. At that moment,  I just loathe myself so much and I wasn’t that type to. Acting and saying things recklessly for a guy.

“I’m sorry, I’m just tired I guess.” I sincerely told him.
“If you really like me to the extend that you can say that you love me, tell me again that later. Once I’m completely healed and once you’re finally emotionally stable. I have a friend who’s also a therapist, she can help you.” He said.
“I should see a therapist, shouldn’t I ?”
“Yeah, you should.” He replied.
 

It has been almost a year since I’ve ‘confessed’, and clearly I was wrong that day. I didn’t love him in a romantic way. I guess I just care a lot about him or maybe just the idea of him not being by my side is just scary and unimaginable. Who else would put up with my rude personality if it's not him?

Maybe one day I’ll be able to give him my heart. Hopefully he won’t be taken until then .

I waited outside of Joongki’s apartment and called him.
“Yes?” He answered.
“Let’s go watch a movie.”  I invited.
“Sure, where are you ?” He asked.
“Look outside.”

Let me be selfish for once and maintain this friendship of ours as long as possible

The end

Thank you for reading :)