kiss kiss

 

“Carefull, there’s a bumblebee on that one.” Hongbin warns. Hyuk drops his hand halfway to it’s destination. They’re sitting in the grass under a tree. It’s recess and everything smells like the dandelions Hyuk has been collecting for the past fifteen minutes.

 

“I didn’t even see it.” Hyuk comments, picking at the pile of yellow flower tops. Hongbin watches the bumblebee fly off. It heads straight for Hakyeon and Taekwoon who are sitting on the bench. His eyes follow it until it’s too far away to see.

 

Taekwoon says something, Hongbin can’t hear, they’re too far, and Hakyeon laughs loudly. Hyuk looks up and stares at them just as Taekwoon leans over and pecks Hakyeon on the lips. Hongbin watched Hyuk look back down to his lap. He watches Hyuk’s fingers pull the heads off and flick them away.

 

Hongbin leans back against the tree and sighs, eyes closing. It’s still really warm, even though it’s almost fall. It’s quiet for a little bit, the only sound being the occasional squawk that comes from Jaehwan. No one has to look up to know that Ravi’s the reason behind it, probably immersed in another intense game of tag.

 

“Hyung.” Hyuk’s voice is soft. It sounds a little strange. Hongbin peeks at him with only one eye open. He’s not looking at Hongbin, just sitting there crisscross applesauce less than two feet away, picking at another dandelion.

 

“Hm?” Hongbin hums, eyes once again closed. A nice breeze blows over them and all Hongbin can smell are those flowers.

 

“Have you ever kissed anyone?” Hongbin opens both eyes this time. Hyuk is still not looking at him, eyes on the yellow mess in his lap. He looks the same, only a light blush has risen. That could be from the warm breeze though, Hongbin tells himself.

 

Hongbin uncrosses his legs and stretches out his limbs. “What makes you ask me that?”

 

“You didn’t answer me.” Hyuk mumbles. His fingers work over another dandelion, the pile on his lap growing smaller. Hongbin watches him, but Hyuk looks up and he glances away.

 

“Yes.” Hongbin says. Hyuk seems restless, brushing away a strand of blond hair that's fallen out of place and into his face. Good thing his hair’s already yellow, Hongbin thinks, because Hyuk’s hand is just as yellow. “Have you?”

 

Hyuk shakes his head. “But I wanna.” He’s watching Hakyeon and Taekwoon again. They’re not sitting on the bench anymore though, they’re standing, walking slowly towards the school’s doors. The bell’s probably going to ring soon. “I feel like loser, everyone’s already had their first.” He adds.

 

“Why? You’re only fourteen.” Hongbin comments. Hyuk makes a whining noise that sounds a lot like a little kid. Hyuk is a little kid, Hongbin thinks, even if he himself is only sixteen. Two years is a lot to him though.

 

“But Hakyeon-hyung and Taekwoon-hyung kiss all the time.” Hyuk argues. Hongbin wonders what has Hyuk wanting to grow up so fast, but not enough to notice the intense way Hyuk is staring at him right now.

 

“Yeah,” Hongbin says, standing. Even Jaehwan and Ravi are heading towards the school, so the bell must really be about to ring. “but they’re older than us.”

 

Hyuk is still sitting, yellow fluff all over his jeans. Hongbin wonders if Hyuk’s mom will bother him about the stains. “Hyung?”

 

“Hm?” Hongbin hums, watching as Ravi races Jaehwan to the doors. Jaehwan wins, but Hongbin is pretty sure it’s only because Ravi lets him, and because Jaehwan will deny it if he ever lost.

 

“Will you kiss me?” Hyuk isn’t looking at his lap anymore. Eyes alert and all on Hongbin. Hongbin clears his throat. He would laugh, but Hyuk looks one hundred percent serious. “O-or I can kiss you? Please hyung, I wouldn’t want anyone I don’t trust to be my first.”

 

“Uh..” Hongbin trails off. Best friends don’t do that, do they? An image of Taekwoon and Hakyeon flash in his head, and ok, so maybe they do. Hongbin looks around, no one’s looking. Everyone’s heading towards the door, they don’t have more than a minute, he guesses. “Okay.” They gotta make this quick.

 

Hyuk takes his time though. He gets up slowly and Hongbin watches the dandelions fall into the grass. Next spring he bets there’ll be a bunch of them growing right there.

 

Hongbin keeps his eyes on Hyuk. He may be two years older, but Hyuk’s taller. Hyuk takes one, two steps towards him and suddenly this is all very real. He’s kissed one person, and it had been such a small peck on the cheek with a girl who he didn’t talk to anymore. Maybe he should have mentioned that.

 

Hyuk’s hands find their way to Hongbin’s hips before he has a chance to chicken out though, pulling him chest to chest and forcing him to look up a little. Hyuk is looking right at him, and his lips. Hongbin closes his eyes and waits, but when he opens them back up Hyuk hasn’t moved.

 

“I- I don’t know how.” Hyuk stutters, worrying his bottom lip. Hongbin can’t believe how good he looks. Maybe it’s a good thing he didn’t say anything. Hongbin smirks a little, laughing to himself, and before Hyuk can whine about it, Hongbin angles his head and presses forward against Hyuk.

 

Hyuk’s hands tighten around Hongbin’s shirt and makes two fists. Hongbin doesn’t know why, but he’s a little concerned about if anyone is looking, so he pulls Hyuk behind the tree, not breaking the kiss.

 

Hyuk’s lips are as soft as his voice, Hongbin thinks. Hyuk pulls back and takes a deep breath. Hongbin suddenly realizes he should have made Hyuk’s first kiss a little shorter, sweeter. He hopes it was okay.

 

The bell rings and both boys take off towards the doors. Hongbin doesn’t think anything of it when Hyuk takes his hand.

 

After Hongbin walks him to his class, Hyuk waves goodbye and everything is exactly the same, except Hongbin kissed his best friend and has yellow finger prints on his white t shirt.

 

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦ ✧

 

yesterday

 

Hongbin is still awake at 2AM and that’s because he never sleeps when it’s this hot. Even though the sun set hours ago, his fan is doing nothing to keep him cool. His eyes sting from staring at his computer screen for so long, that being the only light on in his room. Him and Ravi had just been messaging, talking about making plans.

 

He hasn’t seen anyone since school let out a month ago. They had a couple more months of freedom, but only a couple. Ravi said him and Jaehwan, to no surprise, had been hanging out with Taekwoon. They all wanted to meet up at some party Hakyeon was having.

 

Ravi had asked if he was coming, said to invite Hyuk if he was. It sounded fun, and it would be great to see the guys all together again. It was just.. Hongbin hadn’t really talked to Hakyeon much lately and he was a little worried it would be awkward. But if Hyuk was going, Hongbin was sure he’d at least have him to talk to.

It was kind of short notice, tomorrow night was the date, but Hongbin wasn’t going to complain. Ravi promised there would be beer and drinking when you’re underage is always a thrill, right? Hongbin laughs at his own thoughts, checking the time and groaning. Hongbin logs off and yawns, crawling into bed and falling asleep quickly.

 

 

It’s pretty late in the afternoon when Hongbin calls Hyuk. He’d taken a quick shower and put on jeans with a hoodie. Hopefully this wasn’t supposed to be formal.

 

“Hello?”

 

Hyuk’s voice is so distant and Hongbin didn’t realize how long it’s really been since he’s talked with the other until now. “Hey, did Ravi say anything to you about Hakyeon’s party?”

 

“Mmm, no. Not that I recall, why?”

 

“Well I’m supposed to invite you, that is if you wanna go?” Hongbin talks while he ties his shoes. One of them is too far under the bed to reach so he has to get on the floor and try to balance the phone between his shoulder and ear. “It’s later today at Hakyeon’s.”

 

There’s a pause on the other line and Hongbin almost thinks he must have accidently hit the end call button on his way from under the bed. Finally Hyuk’s voice comes through.

 

“I’ll be there. And Hyung?”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Uh,” There’s a little laugh from Hyuk’s end of the line. “Never mind, see you soon.”

 

“Awesome. I don’t know what time, but I’m heading over now if you wanna do the same.” Hongbin tells him. Hyuk says his goodbye and Hongbin hangs up.

 

There’s a lot of people at this party, that’s the first thing Hongbin notices when he gets there. There’s neon lights glowing inside and the whole place is filled with people from school. Leave it to Hakyeon to invite everyone he knows.

 

Ravi finds him before he can wander any further into the never ending crowd. “Hey!” He greets, pulling Hongbin in for a tight hug. “Hakyeon’s somewhere around here, probably.” Ravi smiles and Hongbin laughs when Jaehwan comes up from behind and pinches Ravi’s sides, earning him a friendly elbow jab.

 

“Hyuk’s downstairs.” Jaehwan informs. Hongbin had thought he’d gotten here first, but after all, Hyuk did live closer. Hongbin smiled and said his greetings to Jaehwan who hands him a cup of something before heading to the basement, all thoughts of finding Hakyeon gone.

 

There’s a surprising amount of people down here too, and Hongbin has to search a little to find where Hyuk’s sitting cross legged on the black leather couch by himself. The lights are out down here too, red, purple, and green lights taking turns illuminating the room. Hakyeon really went all out with whatever this was, Hongbin thinks, taking a seat next to Hyuk.

 

“Hyung!” Hyuk looks up from where he’d been staring absentmindedly at the floor. Hongbin smiles and takes a quick sip of his drink. It’s pretty strong and it makes him scrunch up his nose. Hyuk laughs and takes the cup from him. “I wanna try. Hakyeon said I couldn’t, but it’s not like he’s of age either.” He tells Hongbin, easily taking a drink.

 

Hongbin takes his turn laughing when Hyuk immediately chokes, sputtering out a ‘ew oh my god what is that?’ and shoving the cup back into Hongbin’s hands. “No idea,” He says, still chuckling, setting the cup on the floor and sitting cross legged too so he can turn and face Hyuk. “Jaehwan gave it to me.”

 

“That explains a lot.” Hyuk says with a laugh. Hongbin laughs too, and it’s not that funny, but Hongbin’s finding it really easy to laugh with Hyuk. The purple light is shining right now and the way it shows on Hyuk’s bright blond hair has Hongbin staring in amusement. “Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Hyuk teases, poking Hongbin’s side.

 

Hongbin retaliates by poking back and soon enough he’s got Hyuk pinned down on the couch, tickling his side until there’s tears forming at the corners of his eyes. “Hyung, hyung, please I’m sorry!” Hyuk manages between giggles.

 

Hyuk grabs both of Hongbin’s hands, holding them still on his waist while trying to catch his breath. Hyuk’s grinning up at him and Hongbin feels his heart start to beat strangly, and before he can really stop himself he’s leaning down, face right above Hyuk’s.

 

Hyuk’s grin slowly fades, and he lets his breath even out a little more. “Hyung.” Hongbin’s senses return and he start to sit up, but Hyuk pulls him back down, meeting his lips with an intensity that he didn’t know Hyuk had.

 

The red light falls over them and Hongbin is kissing back, somehow letting his tongue slide in. Hyuk’s practically purring, pulling Hongbin closer, and closer, and wow, Hongbin didn’t know how close you could actually be to someone before now.

 

He isn’t sure how long they stay intertwined like that, lips locked together, but at some point the music pauses and Hongbin pulls away, a little too quick and more than a little too worried that someone’s watching them. Someone’s informing everyone that Hakyeon wants everyone upstairs.

 

A quick glance around tells Hongbin no one is, and thankfully no one he knows is even around. He looks back to Hyuk who looks slightly confused, still laying against the couch and looking at Hongbin with a question on the tip of his tongue.

 

Hongbin has a panicking feeling in his stomach and he stands up, knocking the full cup over and spilling it’s contents onto the floor. Hyuk gets up too and reaches for Hongbin’s hand, but Hongbin moves towards the door. “Ah, I think Hakyeon wants us upstairs with him.” Hongbin says, quickly moving through the crowd of people on the steps.

 

He doesn’t look back because he knows Hyuk probably has a lot of questions he can’t answer right now. Hongbin gets upstairs, but doesn’t stop there, he rushes right past Ravi and Jaehwan and goes outside.

 

It’s summer, but it feels cool out compared to the crowded house. Hongbin sits on the porch, breathing and trying to think of something he could tell Ravi that could get him out of here. The door opens behind him and Hongbin squeezes his eyes shut, of course Hyuk would follow him out here.

 

He doesn’t open his eyes until a hand touches his shoulder. Hongbin lets out a breath of relief when he sees it’s just Taekwoon. The older boy lets his hand fall and then he looks up to the sky. Hongbin does the same, trying to spot the big dipper.

 

Taekwoon breaks the silence, which isn’t usually a him thing to do, so Hongbin figures he knows something must be up. “Hongbinnie, is there something bothering you?” He asks, voice quiet and devoid of any hints that he really cares, as usual. But Hongbin knows he does, he wouldn’t have asked it he didn’t.

 

“Hyung? I- Are you and Hakyeon together?” Hongbin asks, because he wants to know before he says anything else. Taekwoon purses his lips for a moment, apparently not sure.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Does anyone know?”

 

“Yes. You.”

 

Hongbin sighs. “Anyone else?” Taekwoon thinks about it for a moment.

 

“I’m not sure.”
 

“Is it a secret?” Hongbin asks. There’s no hesitation this time.

 

“No.”

 

“Then why-” Hongbin starts, but Taekwoon cuts him off.

 

His voice is steady, not rushed and completely the opposite of how Hongbin thinks he sounds right now. “I love Hakyeon and he loves me. And we’re dating, if that’s what you’re asking. But we didn’t really go around and tell everyone.”

 

“Why not? If it’s not a secret?”

 

Taekwoon smiles a little and that’s how Hongbin knows he’s being for real. “Because we decided we’d tell people by actions.” Taekwoon continues before Hongbin can ask what he means. “When we hold hands, or kiss, or whenever I put my arms around him, we tell people like that. They see it and then they know. It doesn’t need to be said.”

 

Hongbin wonders if it’s really okay to tell Taekwoon what’s on his mind, but he figures this is a good a chance as any. “Hyung? I- I think I like someone, but..”

 

“But..?”

 

“But I don’t think I could do that. Show anyone. I’m- I’m scared.” Hongbin confesses, head down because his cheeks are in flames and he doesn’t know what he’s even saying. Taekwoon puts a hand on his back and they sit like that for a short moment of silence until the door opens and Jaehwan’s head peaks out.

 

“Hakyeon is looking for the both of you.” He informs, looking from Hongbin to Taekwoon. “Is everything okay?” He asks, hint of concern written in his voice. Hongbin gets up and Taekwoon follows suit.

 

“Yeah hyung, I’m fine. Must have been whatever was in that cup you gave me.” Hongbin jokes, smiling. Jaehwan looks a little convinced, so Hongbin quickly adds, “Really hyung, I’m okay, I’ll be right there.” Jaehwan eyes him for a second, but nods and goes back in.

 

Hongbin sighs and bites the inside of his cheek to keep from crying. He hates when people ask if he’s okay. And oh god, if he feels like this then Hongbin doesn’t want to think about how Hyuk feels.

 

Taekwoon pulls him from this thoughts. “Lets get inside.” Hongbin nods and as they walk in he’s sure Taekwoon is going to leave it at that, but he pulls Hongbin close. “If you like someone it’s inevitable that you’ll have to show them.” He whispers. He gives Hongbin’s hand a squeeze before getting lost in the sea of people who have gathered to listen to Hakyeon’s speech.

 

Hongbin wants to find Hyuk, but he doesn’t think he’d be able to say what he wants. With Taekwoon’s words in mind, Hongbin sneaks out the back and starts for home. He’ll message Hakyeon tomorrow. Maybe they can make other plans.

 

 

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦ ✧

 

inside of me

 

When school starts back up, Hongbin is happy for the distraction.

 

It’s getting chilly and Hongbin can finally put his huge collection of hoodies to good use. Geometry problems are hard to concentrate on when you sit next to the window. Leaves falling to the ground outside keep catching his eye, making it all but too easy to forget about the math problems on his desk.

 

The quiet chatter of his other classmates around him keeps him feeling a little lonely. Ravi and Jaehwan had been placed in a different class, and of course Hakyeon and Taekwoon were a whole grade above him, so he was alone this year.

 

Hyuk flashes in his mind for a second, when a bright yellow leaf falls right outside the window. He was alone too, but that was a different alone. Hongbin was sure Hyuk had friends his age, or at least Hongbin hoped. Hongbin only had ever had one friend in his grade that wasn’t Ravi or Jaehwan.

 

Speaking of the devil, Gongchan made his way over to Hongbin and sat on his desk, giving Hongbin no choice but to look away from the window.

 

“Hey you, I was thinking since it’s almost most lunch could you go down to the vending machine and get me two strawberry milks?” Gongchan asked, hands in a begging pose. Hongbin snorted back a laugh.

 

“Is it for you and that pretty girl who has no interest in you whatsoever?” Hongbin asks, looking over to where Yoona was sitting, applying yet another coat of lip gloss. She was cute, yeah, but Hongbin knew Gongchan wasn’t going to get her when she had a least half their grade pining for her.

 

Gongchan mocks a fake offended gasp. “Hey! She’s head over heels for me, excuse you.” He says, handing over a handful of quarters. “Please? You’re not working on anything anyways.” And okay, so he has a point.

“Fine,” Hongbin says, standing and taking the change because, who is he kidding, he’s not getting any work done. “But when I get back I want the answers to the home work.” Gongchan promises he will, and Hongbin asks to go to the bathroom. The teacher says yes, but only because lunch break is in five minutes and he knows Hongbin doesn’t really need to use the bathroom.

The hallway is empty, for now, and Hongbin walks slowly, enjoying the quiet atmosphere and watching leaves continue to fall from the windows lining the wall. The vending machine that has strawberry milk is on the other side of the school, but it’s not a big place, and Hongbin likes the little corner that it’s tucked in. When him and Ravi used to play hide and seek with Ken, they would both hide in between the wall and the vending machine, Ken never found them and so they always won.

 

Hongbin smiles a little at the memory, rattling the change in his pocket as he turns the corner where the vending machine sits. A blond boy sits on the ground, hand reaching in for his drink, and then he stands and Hongbin would know that tall frame anywhere.

 

“Hongbin?” Hyuk asks. He’s holding a chocolate milk in his hand and he’s wearing the hoodie he hasn’t seen since Hakyeon’s party last summer. Hyuk sees him eyeing the piece of clothing and plays with the string.

 

“Is that mine?” He can’t help asking, even though he already knows. Hyuk looks away, a blush appearing and Hongbin’s heart is beating kind of fast despite walking here and not running.

 

“I- I missed you, hyung.” Hyuk says. Hongbin wasn’t expecting that, wasn’t expecting Hyuk to even be here. Hyuk looks up and stares at Hongbin. It feels like he;s boring a hole into the side of his face. The lunch bell rings and people start coming out of class rooms. “Do you wanna eat lunch together?” Hyuk asks.

 

Hongbin thinks about the quarters in his pocket, Gongchan and Yoona. Hongbin also thinks about the night he kissed Hyuk at the party, and the way he left things, messy and with no explanation. Hyuk is still staring and so Hongbin shoves the change further into his pocket. He’ll make it up to Gongchan tomorrow.

 

Hyuk leads him to the library, of all places. Hongbin grins when Hyuk heads straight for the corner where no one can see you if you sit on the floor. Hongbin knows it’s a popular spot for people looking to skip a class or two.

 

They sit down across from each other, knees slightly touching before Hyuk moves back a little. “You want my milk?” Hyuk asks. Hongbin takes the bottle, but doesn’t open it, just sits it in between them. “How are you?”

 

“You missed me?” Hongbin asks, not answering. He can’t help himself. Something about Hyuk saying he missed him makes Hongbin’s heart beat like he’s only just now living. Hyuk tries not to smile.

 

“More than you’d know.” He says, voice quiet. “Didn’t you miss me?” Hyuk asks.

 

“Yeah,” Hongbin says, because it’s true he avoided Hyuk all summer, and when school had started he walked home the other way because he knew Hyuk would walk with him otherwise. Hongbin had ignored his messages, never answered his calls, but that didn’t mean he didn’t miss him. “I’m sorry.”

 

Hyuk looks up from playing with the stings of the hoodie. He looks surprised and Hongbin doesn’t want to know if that’s good or not. “It’s okay, hyung.” Hyuk says, moving forward a little. It’s not that much, but it’s enough that their knees are touching again.

 

Hongbin wants to make it up to him, wants to tell him how sorry he feels. Hyuk bites on his bottom lip and stares at the floor, hands idling on his hoodies strings again. Hongbin doesn’t think about it when he takes Hyuk’s hands in his own, doesn’t have a thought in his head when he leans forward as close as he can get before he’s kissing Hyuk.

 

Hyuk kisses back too, hands limp in Hongbin’s, but lips eager and it’s suddenly so obvious how much Hyuk’s really missed him. Hongbin smiles into the kiss, moving forward more until Hyuk lets himself fall back onto the carpet, Hongbin hovering over him. Hongbin breaks the kiss to stare down at the blond boy under him.

 

Hyuk breaks into the grin and Hongbin’s smile feels like it’s going to split his face. Hyuk giggles and reaches up, hand smoothing down Hongbin’s arm. Hongbin his lip and bends down, scattering small kisses all over Hyuk’s face until Hyuk’s giggles turn into laughs and the librarian yells for them to be quiet.

 

“Hyung, I-” Hyuk is trying to not laugh, and Hongbin leans in to give him one last peck, but Hyuk wraps his arms around Hongbin and hold him there, breath tickling his ear when Hyuk whispers, “I love you.”

 

Hongbin breaks out, sitting up and clearing his throat and looking around. No one can see them, he knows, but he still checks. Hyuk’s face is bright red, worrying his bottom lip until Hongbin doesn’t know if it’s from his teeth or their kiss. He’s looking at Hongbin, anxiously playing with the strings again. “I- ” The bell ringing interrupts, but Hyuk doesn’t make a move to leave. Why can’t he talk?

 

Hongbin doesn’t move either, and Hyuk gets up, disappointment and anger written on his face. “Can you still not say anything out loud? Do you only like me in your mind?” Hyuk’s voice is loud, a notch too loud, Hongbin can’t help but glance around, people can surely hear them. Hyuk catches him looking though. He scoffs, pulling the sweatshirt off and throwing it on the ground. It hits the chocolate milk and it falls over.

 

“Hyuk-”

 

“You’ll kiss me, but you won’t love me outloud?” Hyuk’s interrupted by the librarian who yells for them to leave or be quiet. “Hyung I don’t know if you haven’t realized, but I like you.” Hyuk tells him, calmed down a bit, voice low, almost a whisper.

 

Hongbin reaches out a hand, Hyuk takes it and tries to pull Hongbin up, but instead is pulled down. “Hyung-”

 

Hongbin wraps his arms around Hyuk and pulls him against his chest, kissing him silent. Hongbin hopes his message is getting through, but when Hyuk pulls away with shining eyes, Hongbin doesn’t think it worked. “Hyuk I like you.” Hongbin says, voice truly just above a whisper so that even Hyuk who is on his lap has to lean close to hear.  

 

“Do you? Even when we’re not hiding behind trees, or hidden in the dark in someone’s basement?” Hyuk asks. “And even if we’re not tucked away in the corner of a library like this?” Hongbin bites the inside of his cheek until he tastes blood. If he says no, he’ll lose Hyuk. And if he says yes, he’ll have to face his fears.

 

“Yes. I do.” The words tumble out of Hongbin’s mouth before he can take them back, heart jumping into his throat. The way Hyuk laughs breathlessly as if he’d been holding his breath waiting for Hongbin’s answer tells him he said the right thing, and it’s not a moment later that Hyuk has his mouth against his own, gasping when Hongbin bites onto his bottom lip softly.

 

Hongbin lets Hyuk kiss him for awhile, until he can’t feel where his lips end and Hyuk’s begin, and it’s not until the bell rings again that they pull apart. Hyuk’s cheeks are the softest shade of pink, and his breath is coming out in quick successions.

 

“I think we’re late for class.” Hyuk says, not getting off Hongbin’s lap. Hongbin grins widely.

 

“Then maybe..” Hongbin slides his hands down Hyuk’s sides, resting them on top of his thighs. “We should just stay here.”

 

So they do, for the rest of the day. Sharing sips from Hyuk’s chocolate milk, and looking through books of all kinds. Hongbin loves watching Hyuk read, not being able to help himself from occasionally pecking his cheek as he flips through the pages.

 

Ravi and Jaehwan, of all people, are the ones who find them, and without meaning to, Hongbin detaches himself from Hyuk’s side as soon as the two boys appear.

 

“There you are,” Ravi says, pointing an accusing finger at Hongbin. “Gongchan said you went to get drinks and didn’t come back, I think me and Jaehwan just looked over this whole school trying to find you.”

 

Hongbin stands up, trying his best to ignore the hole Hyuk is boring into his head with his eyes. “Ah, sorry I got distracted.”

 

“Distracted? School ended like, ten minutes ago!” Jaehwan fakes the angry tone in his voice, obvious by the way he cracks a smile when Ravi digs his elbow into his side. “Hey!” Jaehwan retaliates by backing Ravi into the book shelf behind them, books poking into his back until Ravi voices his defeat.

 

Hyuk’s been silently watching, tight lipped smile as he gets up, grabbing the mostly empty chocolate milk container and Ravi’s attention. “So what have you two been doing over here?” He asks, eyebrow raised in suspicion.

 

Hongbin looks to Hyuk, as if unsure if he could really tell them. Hyuk waits though, presumably for him to tell Ravi and Jaehwan, but Hongbin’s mouth has gone dry and so has Hyuk’s patience. “Nothing worth mentioning, apparently.” Hyuk snaps, pushing his way past Jaehwan and shoving Hongbin’s jacket into Hongbin’s chest as he leaves.

 

Ravi looks to Hongbin, as if he knows what that was about, which in a way, he does. Not that he could tell Ravi, even though he really wants to be able to.

 

“What was that?” Jaehwan asks, earning a sharp look from Ravi. Ravi then pats Hongbin on the back and silently takes his leave with Jaehwan. Hongbin waits till they’re gone before he takes out his cell phone, dialing Hyuk and waiting for him to pick up.

 

Hello, you’ve reached xxx.xxxxxxx, please leave a message at the beep.

 

“Hyuk? I- “ Hongbin pauses. Why didn’t he just hang up and chase after him? Could he even do that? Right after telling him he’d be fine with loving him no matter where? “I, , Hyuk I messed up, I know. But I do love you, I really do, I swear. Can we talk tomorrow? I’ll buy you a chocolate milk, meet me in the library tomorrow. I- I love you.”

 

Hongbin hangs up and drops his phone. It lands on the book Hyuk had been reading, the page he last read still opened. Hongbin sits down and picks it up,

 

“ You leave spring in my heart

and kiss me like my lips are gold,

but then the flowers wither

and though gold can never rust,

it's never been more dulled

than when you bite your tongue

hold, pretend you just forgot

to admit you love me.”

 

Hyuk doesn’t come to the library the next day, and Hongbin skips class just to make sure he doesn’t miss him when he does show up. Only he doesn’t, and he’s not there the next day either, or the day after that. Hongbin still waits though, all week, occupying his time with reading and checking his phone every once in awhile, but Hyuk hasn’t returned any of his calls or texts, and every time he’s dropped by Hyuk’s house he’s conveniently ‘not home’.

 

Hongbin stops waiting after he’s too behind in class to risk skipping again. The next day he sits at his desk, catching up on math instead of spending lunch in the library. Part of him wonders if Hyuk is there today of all days.

 

He doesn’t really believe he is, but bright yellow leaves falling right outside his vision still keeps Hyuk on his mind, math homework was never a priority anyways.

 

✦ ✧ ✦ ✧ ✦ ✧

 

please

 

“You should really come.” Hakyeon tells him over the phone. Hongbin can hear Taekwoon in the background telling Hakyeon that dinner’s almost done. Hongbin sighs and looks out the window, snow falls to the ground in abundance, piling up quickly and making it known that Christmas is well on its way.

 

Hakyeon just got done telling him that him and Taekwoon were holding a party on Christmas eve, and that he just has to come since he’s only inviting a few other people. Hongbin knows by now that those few other people are Ravi, Jaehwan, and Hyuk.

 

On one hand, Hongbin hasn’t seen Hyuk in well over a couple months, but on the other hand Hongbin thinks if Hyuk doesn’t want to see him then he should make sure he keeps out of sight. It’s the least he could do, if that’s what would make Hyuk happy.

 

“Hongbinne?” Hakyeon’s voice drags him out of his thoughts, he hopes he hadn’t spaced out for too long.

 

“Yes, hyung, I’ll uh, I’ll try to make it.” Hongbin tells him. Hakyeon makes an annoyed sound and there’s some shuffling before someone else is on the other line.

 

“You better come, or else. Hakyeon spent three hours planning this thing yesterday.” Hongbin feels he has no choice but to come now that Taekwoon’s threatened him.

 

Sighing into the phone's receiver once again, Hongbin peals his eyes off the falling while fluff outside. “Okay hyung. Should I bring anything?”

 

Taekwoon is silent on the other end, in thought before replying. “Something for the secret santa.” He tells Hongbin.

 

“Alright, tell Hakyeon I’ll be there.” Taekwoon says he will, and then hangs up. Hongbin sets the phone down and looks back out the window. He should go shopping now, before it gets too late. Christmas Eve is tomorrow.

 

Hongbin gets to Hakyeon’s at the same time as Ravi, Hongbin waves with one hand, holding a bag with the other. “Cold out here.” Ravi comments, opening the door, not even knocking as they walk in and deposit their shoes and coats.

 

They walk into the living room together. Jaehwan and Taekwoon are setting out plates of food, looking up and greeting them when they come into sight.

 

“Hyuk’s in the kitchen with Hakyeon.” Jaehwan informs Ravi when he asks. Hongbin ignores the tight feeling in his chest, settling onto the couch next to Taekwoon and helping him lay out plates. Hakyeon appears a minute later, Hyuk right behind him. Hongbin hadn’t expected to feel like his heart was literally breaking when he saw Hyuk. Hakyeon comes right up to Hongbin and gives him a big hug.

 

“It’s nice to see you.” He says with a smile. Ravi pouts and whines.

 

“Hyung, no hug for me?” Ravi jokes.

 

Hakyeon rolls his eyes and gathers everyone’s presents. “Shut up, I see you every other week. It isn’t everyday out Hongbinnie comes by. Isn’t that right, Hyuk?” Hakyeon asks. Hyuk nods, but doesn’t make eye contact with Hongbin, hasn’t looked at him so far yet. If anyone else notices the awkwardness besides Hongbin, no one say anything.

 

“Shall we eat?” Taekwoon asks. Jaehwan and Ravi dig in immediately and Hakyeon is sweet enough to dish Hongbin’s for him, handing it over with a smile. Jaehwan and Ravi take turns telling funny stories, and every time Hyuk laughs Hongbin can’t help it but to sneak a glance over to him.

 

Taekwoon catches him looking once, and Hongbin stares at his plate for the remainder of the dinner, looking up when the food’s almost all gone and Hakyeon clears his throat.

 

“Time for the gift exchange!” He excitedly announces. Taekwoon claps softly and nudges Hongbin until he claps as well, everyone joining in a moment later. “Alrighty, first up isssss,” Hakyeon digs his hand into a paper bag where Hongbin presumes all of their names are written. Hakyeon pulls out the first piece of paper. “Ravi! You get to give your gift to me!” Ravi hands the gift over, shyly laughing to himself.

 

Hakyeon opens it up and screams out in delight. “This is the cutest hat I have ever seen! Did you make this?” He asks.

 

Ravi nods shyly and shrugs. “I hope it’s all right..” Hakyeon is quick to interrupt.

 

“I love it!” He says, placing it over his head as he digs his hand back into the paper bag. “Next up is.. Taekwoon! You get to give yours to Jaehwan.”

 

Taekwoon places a small box in front of him. Jaehwan peels off the wrapping paper and smiles. “Chocolate! Thank you hyung.” Jaehwan thanks, leaning over the table and giving Taekwoon a quick hug.

 

“I hope it’s to your liking.” Taekwoon mumbles. Hakyeon wastes no time picking out the next name.

 

“Hyuk! You get to give yours to Ravi!” Hakyeon announces. At least Hongbin has an excuse to look at Hyuk this time. He watches as he slides a wrapped up box over to Ravi who takes it with a slight bow before ripping it open.

 

Ravi pulls out a pair of hot pink ear muffs, and Hongbin isn’t jealous at all when Hyuk tells him they look cute when Ravi tries them on. Not one bit.

 

“Why pink though?” Ravi asks with an amused laugh.

 

Hyuk shrugs. “They were the only color left.” Ravi laughs again and Hakyeon pulls out the next name. “Me! I get to give mine to… You!” Hakyeon points at Hongbin and Hongbin can’t help but to grin.

 

Hakyeon passes over a gift bag, and Hongbin removes some paper before pulling out a book. “What is..”

 

“Open it up!” Hakyeon tells him. Hongbin does and laughs when he sees it’s just full of weird group pictures they’ve taken in the past. Jaehwan and Ravi lean over and they all spend the next five minutes making fun of the fact that Taekwoon isn’t smiling in any of the photos.

 

Hongbin only notices that Hyuk hasn’t been talking until he realizes that his gift will go to Hyuk since he’s the only one left. An idea runs through Hongbin’s mind, and it might end up horribly wrong, but he figures this is now or never as he grabs his gift off the table, clearing his throat and trying to get everyone’s attention.

 

It doesn’t work, Jaehwan and Hakyeon having too much fun making fun of a particular picture of Ravi and Taekwoon sleeping. But Hyuk hears him, looking up. Hongbin locks eyes with him and takes a deep breath.

 

“This is for you, but I don’t think you’ll like it too much.” Hongbin tells him. Hyuk takes the bag and pulls out the gift. It’s a sweater, with a really cheesy Christmas pick up line on it (I’m not Santa, but you can still sit on my lap).

 

It makes Hyuk laugh though, and Hongbin lets out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding, lets himself relax. “Thanks hyung.”

 

Hongbin bites his lip and in his breath before asking, “So do you wanna?”

 

“Wanna what?” Hongbin knows his face is in flames but he reaches over anyways, pulling Hyuk out of his seat and onto his lap. “Hongbin what are-”

 

Hongbin ignores that everyone has gone quiet and is probably watching as he kisses Hyuk, deep and with all the feelings he hopes Hyuk still has for him. It takes Hyuk by surprise, but he quickly recovers and kisses back. They pull apart when Hongbin hears a camera click.

 

“Did you just take a picture?” Hongbin asks Taekwoon with an incredulous tone. Taekwoon gives a small shrug.

 

“I thought you would want it in your photo album.” He answers nonchalantly, pointing at the book Hakyeon had just gifted him. Hyuk’s smile is so wide Hongbin can’t help but feel happy just by looking at him.

 

Hongbin stares until Hyuk meets his eyes again. “Will you go out with me?”

 

“Absolutely.” Hyuk answers, and Hongbin loves the way there was no hesitation, promising to himself that from now on that’s how he’ll love Hyuk. Without doubt, and whole heartedly, no matter what.  

 

Ravi, Jaehwan, and Hakyeon look hardly surprised, and Hongbin swears he hears Ravi mutter ‘about time’ under his breath. Jaehwan swipes Ravi’s hot pink earmuffs and puts them on Taekwoon. Hakyeon snorts laughing so hard, and Hongbin laughs along, Hyuk in his arms.

 

The tightness is gone from his chest, not caring who sees as he snuggles his chin into the crook of Hyuk’s shoulder, smiling more than he ever has in his life when Hyuk whispers a soft Merry Christmas into his ear.