TAKE A BREATH; DIVE IN DEEP

by legilimens

( i was pure as a river )

He was perfect, and she loved him too much than she could even imagine. He was the only boy alone that could make her heart beat faster that she felt the need to in the air that her lungs couldn't seem to provide everytime he was around. He, alone, made her the happiest girl whenever he would look at her way— even when he had his face blank and expressionless, the occasional scowl and sneer present whenever he needed to direct it to her.

Of course, she knew in her young mind that he didn't fancy her: she was that one kid who would cling on him and follow him and make moony-eyes on him— something that he hated with a passion. But, even with his coldness, she was sure that someday, he would look at her differently, maybe— if she was ever lucky— with adoration and warmth: something that every girl wished to recieve from their Prince Charmings.

Besides, it's not like she was hard enough to love.

She was born a beauty. She had boys falling on their knees for her, equally receiving the kind of attention that he had. But, unlike him, she was the kind of girl who cared for the feelings of others and didn't ignore them like they were a contagious disease that you should get yourself away from. Her parents taught her better than to discriminate the 'inferiors', being the doctors that they were who helped and cured the poor and needy. They provided her the kind of love that a child needed in order to grow up as a good example to the masses.

And, guessing for that alone, she figured that, maybe, the reason why he was cold to her was that he grew up with his parents missing beside him. That, maybe, having himself lose his family had made him empty and dead inside, antisocial and distant; all of it made sense.

So, with that in mind, she tried her best to gain his attention by making sure to stay by him even when she didn't need to be. She cheered him up when he looked aghast, lend her shoulder whenever he would stay up late outside his ratty house without him noticing, baking pastries to offer it to him at lunch and walk with him on the way home. She would stand up for him and didn't mind the look of indifference he would give her for even bothering.

Sometimes, she imagined him looking at her like she wished he would.

( but, now, i think i'm possessed )

Except that he didn't; even when she gave him all she could offer— but, never did it pay off.

She was just never enough. He made her feel that she didn't deserve even an ounce of his recognition; he was just so, so, so heartless.

In fact, the more she did it, the more he pushed her away, the more he seemed to hate her whole existence, the more he hurt her without minding if he did it publicly.

He showed her how worthless she is, how desperate, how needy, how pathetic and how inept she was to understand that her advances were nothing but nuisance to his being. He'd call her names and push her around and make face at her and ridicule her.

And, it because, even with the way he treat her like a ragdoll, she still loved Sehun with all her heart; she was still wishing that he'd look at her differently...

She got her wish when Jinri appeared; plain, little Jinri with her shy disposition and smiling eyes and bob-cat hair and pale skin.

The girl was nice, yes, but having him look at the newcomer the way she wished him to look at her made Soojung livid. Yes, he had stopped antagonizing her like a proverbial virus but that also meant that he was paying much more attention to his new toy— the same toy who also showed interest in him.

And, it hurt just by looking at it— looking at them, because she had tried doing everything she could to be in Jinri's shoes that moment. It hurt because she was hoping that maybe he would look at her like that. It hurt because he knew how easy it was to throw her away. It hurt because she couldn't change the fact that he just wouldn't care.

It hurt because she still loved him so much that it broke her into tiny, little pieces...

She didn't know when she started hating someone that she wanted that certain person dead.

( you put a fever inside me, and i've been cold since you left. )

Everything changed the moment it happened— the moment she began antagonizing little, poor Jinri the same way he did to her back then. Everybody changed— everybody changed in the way that they would give her foul looks for making Sehun's little toy cry.

("I don't see what's so special about her. She has half a brain and slow and simple and fake—")

Myungsoo would shake his head, Jieun would give her pitying looks, Sunyoung would glance at her and walk away and console little Jinri the way she used to when Sehun showered her tirades of insult; they were slowly turning their backs on her.

And that hurt her.

But she couldn't stop herself.

Not when they're happy. Not when people would talk and say that they look perfect together. Not when Sehun would wear a condescending smirk on his lips on her way with his arms around Jinri's shoulder. Definitely not when there's a knowing smile on his shiny toy's lips whenever the others talk about her relationship with him.

And most likely not when he (or, maybe, they) knew she was hurting.

She wondered when did loving him was a sin, when did wanting him was something he should hate when it came from her. The idea that she was cherished by her parents seemed like a cheap reason to despise her, so why?

What have she done wrong?

When did wanting his attention made her the villian of their relationship?

What did she do to deserve this?

Why?

She was too tired to know and to figure out the answer.

( i've got a boyfriend now and he's made of gold; )

( and you've got your own mistakes in a bed at home. )

It's been three years, then. Three years since they last saw each other. Three years since he wrapped his hand around her neck, choking her and, if people hadn't come to her aid before it happened, was close to killing her.

All because she caught Jinri making out with someone that wasn't him.

He had gone murderous, then, lashing out at her, his dark eyes blazing red from unadulterated anger that, even then, didn't lessen his handsomeness.

It did, however, terrified her that she had to take a step back, and scram; his anguish, though (to her great disbelief), had increased the moment Jinri told him that what Soojung accused of her wasn't true— making the former cower and sputter, calling Jinri something that made Sehun even more livid.

That was the moment he'd pushed her hard against the wall, Jinri crying for whatever reason she couldn't fathom, his pale hand curved around tightly.

There were gasps, then, the bystanders— their classmates— standing in horror at what was happening and watching as Sehun muttered death threats to her. They saw her in strangled breaths, black spots dancing around her head and fingers clawing on his wrist, gasping to let her go— begging, pleading... apologizing for lying even when she wasn't— for caring when she shouldn't.

Those short instances made her realize that Sehun had been ready to end her life if he wanted to, mercilessly and without his own restraint, for the sake of his unfaithful girlfriend. It killed a certain part of her— something that she knew he would never give her with the way he was looking at her: hope and acceptance. And, somehow, she found it funny because never did a Prince Charming ended his lover's life.

That, maybe, she was the villian, after all, Jinri being the damsel in distress. That, maybe, in Sehun's own interpretation, she was the spoiled brat, mean girl who came in to ruin the love story of his and his simple, little commoner girlfriend.

She didn't know that he could be that cliché.

It had been three years now, though. Three years since Jieun shoved him off and told him to get lost and, those friends who she thought she was slowly losing, coming to help her and bring her to the clinic. Three years since they also started hating the duo— Sehun for hurting her more ways than one could even begin to imagine, and Jinri for lying because, somehow, they learned that what she found out was true (how they knew, she never figured out).

It has also been three years and, still, he was turning a blind eye on Jinri's affairs.

Three full years and, now, she'd found someone else— someone who knows how to love her like she wished Sehun would. Someone who would rather smile at her than give her occasional sneers and scowls. Someone who would wrap his arms around her whenever her nightmares strike. Someone who would wipe away her tears whenever she felt like breaking apart.

She found that someone in Kim Jongin.

And, somehow, she felt lucky that Sehun hurt her the way he did.

( i'm hoping you could save me now but you break and fold; )

( you've got a fire inside but your heart's so cold. )

They cross path at Myungsoo's birthday, one night in her house wherein lights dances around in random patterns, the smell of alcohol and nicotine heavy in the air, and the boom of music making her little flat bounce to life.

She is seating on Jongin's lap, then, his lips leaving patterns on her neck, as she converses with her long-time friends above