The second war between North and South Korea had ended in late May, and the soldiers who had miraculously survived the ordeal were being sent home to be reunited with their families, lovers, and friends. The bodies of those who were unfortunate enough to be taken in battle littered the ground in Incheon. The battle that was literally hand-to-hand combat lasted a month, and every able-bodied man who had been serving military service at that time was drafted to fight. The families of said men were only notified of this news after the men were gone. There was no preparation or warning, and the families had to deal with the shock and longing.

 

Some families would instantly regret their final farewells with their loved ones. Though most families had sent their loved ones off with a kiss and word of affection, some fought with each other before their departure, which made them feel guilt and pain and sorrow. They would never again have the chance to converse with or apologize to these men, and it weighed heavily on their hearts. They were ashamed of themselves, and felt much grief and sadness. One family in particular would feel shame and grief for as long as they lived. However, this family was one single person-- Do Kyungsoo.

 

When the war was declared on the last sunny day of April, Kyungsoo hoped and wished that his husband, Jongin, would not be drafted. To his dismay, he received a phone call saying that he had, indeed, been drafted. He stayed up for hours every night waiting for news on the conflict-- or even some news on his husband's condition. He was growing tired and weary, and feared his husband would never return. After nearly five weeks, the war was declared over, and the soldiers were being sent home. It was a short but bloody conflict, and the amount of casualties and missing soldiers after the cease-fire continued to rise.

 

Kyungsoo's point of view...

 

I finally closed my eyes after a long day of waiting for any news at all on Kai. It's only the first day after the peace was made, and they've just begun to send everyone home, but I can't help but feel something is just not right. Maybe I'm just going crazy without Jongin here. After I fell asleep, I dreamed about him. His beautiful smile was all I could see, and I even smelled the delicious vanilla aroma that always surrounded him. I imagined he was beside me, holding my hand... when I woke up, I was alone with only my bed for comfort. I should have known better than to believe in a dream.

 

Every single day that I waited was long and tiresome, but I stayed strong. I continued to work from home, logging receipts for an online shopping site, in hopes that I could save up money to spend upon Kai’s return. I thought about what we could do when... if... he got home safely. I swore to myself that I would give him the strongest hug and the deepest kiss I could muster without falling to his feet. I sat down at my computer desk and began to type out the names on the receipts. It was tedious, yes, but it distracted me from thinking about the horrible things I said to Kai before he left.

 

I shouldn't have said anything, but I did. I called him names and criticized him, but he never once retaliated. He stayed calm and cool like he usually did. This pissed me off even more and caused me to lash out... I shouldn't have said anything. I had a bad temper, and I knew that, but it must have been worse that day. The next day, he was drafted. The last thing I told him was not to come home. He told me he loved me, then he was gone. That was the last I saw of him. I couldn't believe I wasted our last goodbye. Even though I tried to believe it wasn't our last farewell, I felt in my heart that it was.

 

When I finished working each day, I made a meal for two. I knew it was hopeless and that I wouldn't be seeing him for dinner, but I couldn't help but do it out of habit and desperation. After eating, I washed the dishes with shaking hands, then took a short shower. I imagined that if he came home, he'd want to shower, so I didn't want to take up the hot water. After that, I just went to bed. I would lie there awake for hours and hope that he would show up, but the silhouette I saw in the doorway was not his. No, it was just my imagination.

 

I would try to find different ways to entertain myself, like reading a book, watching the TV, or talking to the others who had lost their spouses online. The only thing that seemed to momentarily dull my pain was the clip of ‘Doctor Who’ that I caught. Words were being missed everywhere, however, I caught the most important parts. The character known as the Doctor -- the eleventh Doctor, or Matt Smith -- was speaking some nonsense, but I happened catch a line that made my heart flutter with hope. “The universe is big. It’s vast and complicated, and ridiculous. And sometimes, very rarely, impossible things just happen and we call them miracles. And that’s the theory.” After hearing that, I thought for a moment that everything could be okay.

 

Five days passed after the final soldier was sent home, and I gave up hope. I knew that he was dead or captured, that I messed up, and that I deserved to die in his place. I couldn't bear the thought of him lying face-down in the street, probably with bullet holes in his chest and a copious amount of his and others' blood drenching him. Images of his pale and lifeless body made me cringe and want to wither away. On several days, I lie in bed, motionless, for hours. I couldn't even move. The depression began to eat my soul, and I knew that eventually, my life would end with my hand at the end of the knife.

 

After two weeks, I was depressed... but after two-- even five months, I was crazed and suicidal. I couldn't breathe without crying. If I moved, I felt dizzy. I stopped typing out the gratuitous amounts of receipts, and got a notice that I was fired. Fine. But then my heat was turned off. It was like I was literally starving to death from deprivation of Kai. I was also literally starving. It turned into a hassle to work and move anymore, so I stopped eating. The little things I ate were enough to satisfy me for two days. Before Kai left, I always had something in my mouth. I was almost always eating something, so I was a healthy weight, but I had lost over twenty pounds. I looked like a skeleton. I knew that Kai wouldn't like me in this state, but what could I do without him here to tell me he wouldn't like it? I felt so helpless then. Was I really that dependent on Kai? Yes... I was.

 

The sixth month approached: December. Christmas was near, but how was I supposed to get in the spirit of the holiday? There was no way I could be happy and cheerful when Kai wasn’t there to help hang the lights on the places I couldn’t reach. There was no reason to put the gifts under the tree. Just thinking of the things that Jongin was gone for… I couldn't take it any longer.

 

When lying in bed forever was no longer an option, I resorted to the one thing I promised I never would. My best friends became knives, razors and pens. I would cut myself in the shower and in my bed, then fall asleep in the blood that would escape. My wrists, arms, thighs, neck... everywhere was covered. Kai would be unhappy with me, but wouldn't he understand that I missed him? Not only was I hurting because of the deep, burning, stinging cuts covering my body, but I was hurting because he wasn't there. After the sixth month had nearly passed, and the day of Christmas arrived, the pain became unbearable, and there was no longer anywhere clean on my body. I had to go. I couldn't just let myself keep living like this. Kai wouldn't like it...

 

One snowy day, I decided that I was finished trying to live without Jongin. I knew that I wouldn't last long anyway… Why would I want to live when I knew Jongin was looking at me from another world, hoping that I’d just hang the wreath and get over it already? Christmas… once a happy day, no doubt, became the saddest day of the year.

I sat on the front porch of our small yellow townhouse, and tried to talk myself out of suicide. I argued back and forth with myself, but it wasn't working. The sound of the creaking porch swing and Christmas carols floated through the air, as if the song was being carried by the falling snowflakes themselves. If snow could sing, what would it say?

 

I watched the white flakes fall steadily, and I slowly reached for the knife I had placed in my pocket. When I hand touched the freezing handle, another hallucination of Jongin appeared before me. He was stepping out of a sleek taxi with his uniform hat in his hand. The snow had already began to coat his dark hair, making it look like there were stars speckling it. His long eyelashes were also collecting snow, which was one of his least favorite things, yet, he smiled.

 

I, too, smiled a little, knowing that I would soon be joining him wherever he was. The car left quickly, causing snow to fly off behind it, and Jongin just stood there. He walked slowly through the thick, undisturbed blanket of snow on the frozen ground, and then stopped at the end of the walkway. I had seen many hallucinations before, yet this was more vivid than the rest. Maybe I really had lost it. I stood up and clutched the object in my pocket. It... couldn't be real. I approached the figure and stopped a few feet away. The cascading snow was making it difficult to see, but I still scanned him carefully. I saw the footprints in the deep snow, which made my breath grow more shallow.

 

It couldn't be Kai. There was no way. It was like his ghost was here to tell me not to kill myself, or something. I tilted my head to the side, hoping that this was just another apparition and that I was just going insane, but I was instantly shocked when the person who looked to be Kai tilted his head in the same direction. A small smile creeped across his face, and my eyes widened. The knife fell from my hand and was buried in the snow, and my arms flung themselves around him.

 

Never in my life had I appreciated a hug so much. After all those months dreading the future, thinking he was dead, I finally had my husband back. The entire time we embraced, neither of us said a word. He knew exactly what I was saying. I knew exactly what he was saying. And when I looked in his shimmering brown eyes, I knew that he understood. When we kissed, I felt so alive. At that moment, I knew he was a miracle. He was the strange phenomenon that occurred in the vast, strange universe. When we kissed, mistletoe must have grown above our heads. Carolers must have sang. For at that moment, that one moment in time, I felt like the luckiest man in the universe.

My Jongin... he was finally home.