Changkyun has been scratching his pen over a piece of paper, trying to find and write some good words. Changkyun is good at poems and stories, but he does not give them often to you. Not by his own will. Not until you ask him to. And even if you asked him to, it is not that he would always give them to you.

But this time is different, he guessed. This time will be different. He feels this sudden urge to show some romantic affection to you. Changkyun has never been a romantic person. Perhaps he is, in his mind. He finds it difficult to express some kind of romantic affection even towards his most loved one. His furthest effort now is to write a poem for you. And here he is, picking up words that are flying in his head and put them in good sentences, the romantic ones.

His mind goes back and forth, trying to recall his first meeting with you. He does not know where to start; the memories start to pop out here and there. He then closes his eyes. He remembers how you smiled, how you laughed. He smiles. He remembers all the details on that day.

***

“Mom, do you know where my jacket is? The black one, with some writings on it,”

“You put it on laundry basket just yesterday, darling. Do you need it today? I have not washed it yet,”

“Ah. It is okay, I am just going to wear another one. By the way, could you please remind me to wash it after I am back from school, Mom?”

“Okay. Take care, Changkyun-ah,”

He left, and he felt a little bit empty. It was Saturday, and he planned to go out with his friends. It felt so weird and incomplete without his favorite jacket. Every now and then during his walk to school, he felt like he forgot something to bring, then he realized it was because he didn’t wear that jacket.

Kihyun and Wonho, Changkyun’s close friends, had enough of Changkyun and his so-called favorite jacket. Kihyun asked him so many times to change or just buy a new one, but of course, he refused.

“You don’t know how precious it is for me,” he said every time anyone insists he need to buy a new jacket.

But it is. It is that precious for Changkyun. His grandmother gave it to him before she passed away. That black jacket always reminds him of how warm his grandmother was. How she make a delicious chicken soup for him when he paid her a visit, how she always read a story before he went to sleep. It calms him. Going somewhere without wearing it can make him feel insecure at some point. And during the walk to his school, he kept praying that day will be a good day, even without the warmth of his favorite jacket.

He just realized that going to school without his jacket turned out to be a bad thing. Changkyun could not help but to think and feel insecure at so many times. He thought he had not done his math homework yet, even though he had and it was there, in front of him. He drank so much water as if he was thirsty all the time.

“Are you okay, Changkyun?” his desk mate asked.

“I am okay, maybe I just need to go to bathroom”

He thought about cancelling all the plans today and going straight to home. Just about when he thought to do so, Kihyun dragged his shoulders. Kihyun looked so happy, Changkyun started to guess the reason.

“Yo! Changkyun, you look so fresh today! Wait. Let me look what makes it fresh,”

Changkyun looked at him and wonder what was happening. What makes this day feels so special for Kihyun?

“YOUR JACKET! Oh My God, you finally left that jacket! Look at you now! You look so fresh! And new! I cannot believe this is my dear friend Changkyun. But what’s with your face?”

Kihyun finally toned down his excitement and let Changkyun had a moment to say something. He was going to fight Kihyun back about that jacket, but, he needed to state his cancelation first.

“I don’t think I can join you guys today. I feel a bit sick. I need to go home,”

“Whoa! Why? Why? Do you have indigestion? You forgot your breakfast? Why? Today is a beautiful day, look at how sun shines so brightly and the weather seems so good. Out of all day, why today?”

Changkyun stayed in silence. He knew it was a bad idea to reply Kihyun’s questions.

“It is not because of your jacket, isn’t it?” Kihyun suspected something wrong. He took a deep breath.

“Dear Kkukkung-ah, inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Repeat after me: I am so happy and healthy and I can do everything today, it is fine and bearable without my jacket, and I am fine,” But Changkyun was still in silence.

“I. . . I cannot,”

Kihyun kept dragging him to follow him to the café where they were supposed to hang out. He knew Changkyun was not that sick, and the most important thing: this hangout could heal him, if Changkyun was sick for real.

“There will be this friend of mine bringing foods, a lot of foods, so you must be excited too, okay? Those foods will make you feel better, I promise! Foods always heal, you know?” Kihyun insisted.

Changkyun could not answer Kihyun back when all he talks about is food. He has that super deep relationship with food, and no one could break it apart. He believes that food is always the best answer for everything. Food is Kihyun’s everything. Foods make Kihyun forget that sometimes foods are not that appealing to everyone.

Arrived at the café, they saw Wonho already sat there with some friends. Wonho waved his hands towards Kihyun and Changkyun, gave them sign to join him. Kihyun’s pupils widened at the sight of so many foods on the table. He had such a super good sight when it comes to foods. He dragged Changkyun quickly to join Wonho. Changkyun let Kihyun dragged him, he had no strength left. He just let Kihyun did anything to him because it was way much easier than hearing Kihyun nags.

“Look who arrives here! You were late by, um, 15 minutes. Lucky you I don’t eat too much sweets,” Wonho said

“As if you dare to munch all of these,” Kihyun took some cake and sat beside Wonho.

“What’s with your face? Are you sick?” Wonho asked Changkyun, while Changkyun looked all confused and seemed like he did not know what to do.

“Sit here, Kkukkung-ah,” Kihyun motioned to the chair. “He didn’t bring that black jacket with him and he felt all insecure. But it will be healed because, look! Foods!”

Changkyun had to admit that the cakes looked delicious but he had no appetite to take any bite. All he wanted was to go home. But there he was, watching Kihyun with his eternal love, food. Ah, and also watching Wonho being all flirty towards Kihyun’s friends. Wonho’s ability to flirt was beyond imagination. The moment you saw how he flirts, you would feel like he could dig any information from the girl he flirted with. Wonho is always the attractive guy all girls want to talk with, and he is gifted with that ability to make those girls fall, without any intention of dating them. Kihyun and Changkyun found it weird how a flirty boy like Wonho decided not to date any girl until today. But you obviously could not call him a player. Changkyun knew there must be a reason, it was just he did not know what it is.

“Kkukkung, I would buy you a new jacket if you want me to. Just please do not stick to that jacket so much. Stick to Kihyun instead. He will feed you every day so you can grow well,” Wonho said.

“My grandma gave it to me, I cannot help,”

“That’s a super blocking defense. Even so, you need to suggest yourself that you’re okay with or without it, you know. Look at how lifeless you are today,” Kihyun said, still munching his cake.

“You guys seriously. How come no one understands me here,” Changkyun sulked. All he wanted to do was going home.

“There is a therapy to heal it” You said. And those three suddenly turned their eyes to you.

“It is a kind of addiction towards something. The psychiatrics could help you to heal it through some series of treatment. But seriously, Kihyun you cannot make fun at him because it is really not that easy. Trust me,” Kihyun shut in silence.

“It will be like you without food,” you gave Kihyun clearer explanation. And you could see him startled, as if he didn’t want to imagine how it would be if he lived without food.

“It is that scary, Kihyun. That is why the people with that kind of, what did you call it earlier, clinginess? They need a treatment to recover,”

While you were explaining things regarding that psychological side of Changkyun’s behavior, Changkyun could not help but to look at you. He thought you were just a Kihyun’s friend who will bring some foods. He thought that the friend Kihyun mentioned before will be just a girl, a common girl. He waited a pause on your conversation to cut. He needed a bit of your attention.

Changkyun need to look at your eyes. He needed to know if it was shiny brown, dazing black, or maybe even green or blue. He needed to know because between your conversations, he without knowingly dwelled his soul on your laughter and smile. He needed to know so he could re-picture you in his mind, just in case he would not have another chance to meet you again.

“Do you have that kind of; you know, clinginess, too?” He managed to start the conversation with you. He kept looking at you, but you could hear the nervousness in his voice.

“Well, I used to. My older brother gave me a teddy bear, and I cannot sleep without it. It feels like somebody would kill me if I slept without it. It is suffocating. Hahaha. I thought I was so overboard but then there were those logic explanations given by the psychiatrist so I did not feel that bad,” You laughed. Your eyes wandered. You felt this urge to avoid his eyes. You stared at everything; the ceilings, the windows, the cakes you brought, the ice cubes in your iced Americano; everything but his eyes.

“So, you brought it everywhere? I mean, if you were about to go abroad, or have some sleepover at your friend’s?” Changkyun still waited for your eyes to meet his gaze.

“Yes! I had it in my bag, I literally carried it everywhere. Luckily my brother did not give me the big one,”

“Your brother must be a really good brother,”

“He was, I hope he is doing well there,” You said, laughing while looking at the floor, still on your attempt to avoid his gaze.

“I’m sorry,”

“No, that was not your fault at all though,” Smiling, you noticed a glimpse of guilt in his face for questioning about your brother earlier. Everyone is living with their own memories though. And you had come to the point that talking about your brother could only bring happy memories. It sure was a big loss, but all you could do now is being happy and hoping that he would be happy too.

You realized that Changkyun had not had any cakes. You needed to save one before Kihyun ate everything. You thought he was still feeling uneasy because he did not bring his jacket. You took one and gave it to him, hoping it could make him feel better.

“Are you on a diet?”  You asked, giving him a cake and then he received it.

And your eyes met his gaze. Changkyun could finally see your eyes. It was brown gold.

“Finally! I thought you did not want to eat at all. I was going to finish them all, by the way,” Kihyun said, slightly teasing. “And, You! You had done a good job healing our Kkukkung!” Kihyun said to you, making everyone laughed.

“I am Changkyun,” He said, giving his hand and trying to have proper introduction. Kihyun forgot to introduce Changkyun to everyone because he was too busy being distracted by foods.

“Can I call you ‘Kkukkung’ too?” You asked, smiling to him.

And he nodded while kept looking at your brown gold eyes. He knew right away he would meet you again.