Goodnight

 A dim light filled the room with its uncertain shades of silver, enlightening the wooden furniture even when most of it was still immersed in the darkness of the night. Branches danced harmoniously outside the tall building and kept brushing against the closed windows from time to time.

 The cold weather was rather rough that night, to the extent of causing some snowflakes to fall beautifully from the sky. The black-haired male who was watching them stream down to land on the top of the nearby trees boughs through the window blinked tiredly at the view.

 Hyukjae couldn’t sleep. Actually, he didn’t want to. The day after was going to be the day he would be out enlisting to perform his duty by serving the country, and although he knew that it was something he must do, he didn’t want to go. Not yet. There were so many things he still wanted to do before going away for two years; there were so many people he still wanted to be with for a lot of time more.

 Aging was the worst thing, on his point of view. Of course, there were marvelous things about aging and it was the natural order of things, however, the main principle of aging was what he disliked the most. The idea of changing was simply horrifying and completely annoying. Everything was fine the way it currently was, there was no need to change.

 People would come and go; feelings wouldn’t stay the same after an amount of time; the things you once liked will turn out to be the ones you’ll hate the most and all the way around. Things shouldn’t change, in Hyukjae’s opinion, because he loved the way everything was now and the image of everything becoming something different was just uneasily hurtful.

 Standing up from his seat to walk around the room and place himself on a single chair beside the wide bed, Hyukjae sighed heavily. His brown orbs landed on the bulge formed under the blankets, traveling all over its extension with a saddened stare. Lifting his hand to the front, the black-haired smoothly caressed the soft brown hair of the male who was peacefully asleep over the mattress.

 The big dorm where Hyukjae lived in was also the home of one of his best friends, they both ending up sharing the place as the way the things turned out to be. The brunet and quite tall male was named Kyuhyun, but Hyukjae would rather call him just as ‘Kyu’, since the other would only call him by his nickname, ‘Hyuk’, as well.

 Their friendship was strong. They went through a lot of things together, being those bad or good experiences. There was a time when they suffered an accident on the road and Kyuhyun was awfully injured, and Hyukjae remembered how he kept beside the brunet all the time, whispering reassuring words to him in order to calm him down, even when he himself was also in a bad condition. From that day onwards, their friendship only got stronger and stronger with the time, sealing them on a silent pact of always staying beside each other.

 That’s why Hyukjae wasn’t surprised when he noticed that he was feeling something more than brotherly affect for the other male. He wasn’t gay, actually, he has never thought of having relationships which evolved him and another man together, however, with Kyuhyun was different. He didn’t like the brunet because he was a male; he liked him simply because he was Kyuhyun. He was his Kyuhyun, and it was enough for him to fall deep in love with the taller male.

 Even being sure that Kyuhyun also felt something for him, Hyukjae didn’t confess his love, and neither the other confessed something as well, so, they just stayed as they were, as the good friends everyone already knew they were.

 The reason why neither Kyuhyun nor Hyukjae were sincere with their feelings to the point of running at each other and splitting it all out was mere lack of guts from both of the parts. Although they really liked each other, they didn’t want to risk confessing their feelings and end up being shoved away by their friends later. There was also that thing about changing things, but the real reason was that they were such cowards.

 Another reason why Hyukjae didn’t want to enlist just yet could be also due to his discontent on leaving Kyuhyun.

 He glanced at the door’s frame of Kyuhyun’s room, where his suitcases were carelessly piled, and glared at them. His attention was soon brought back to the sleeping male in front of him when the latter moved under the thick blanket. Kyuhyun used to snore quite loudly, but when Hyukjae bought him a product consisted on tiny bands to open the nasal way when placed over the bridge of one’s nose, the brunet started to sleep more peacefully and allowed Hyukjae to sleep without having to put earplugs to be able to do so.

 Kyuhyun moved again and Hyukjae reached his right shoulder to squeeze it lightly, seeing how the other would breathe deeply on his sleep after that. The black-haired male stood up from the chair he was previously occupying and gave some small steps forward until his knees reached the edge of the big bed. Trying to be as silent as those snowflakes which were falling softly on the ground outside the building, Hyukjae climbed up the furniture and lay beside his friend, his slim body shifting closer to the latter as he tried to fit himself in a more comfortable position.

 With one of his long arms bent over a pillow under his profile, he watched Kyuhyun’s features carefully as trying to engrave them in his memory even more than how they already were. Hyukjae brought his hand up to touch that sweet paleness of Kyuhyun’s face, tracing ghosting lines over his skin as if he was afraid of breaking the purity of it with the weight of his fingers, and when one of his digits came to brush the sides of a cheekbone, the brunet smiled faintly on his dream, almost as if recognizing the owner of that loving caress.

 A sorrowful frown followed the way the black-haired shut his eyes close in order to prevent some saddened tears to fall down. His heart ached to the point of making it hard to breathe, so he sighed deeply in despair. When his eyes opened up once more, the view of Kyuhyun’s long eyelashes was the first thing to welcome him back, making it hard for him not to bring the tip of his fingers to fondle it tenderly.

“Kyu,” Hyukjae called in a mere whisper when the brunet male moved under the blanket again, cutely cuddling his head against the pillow. “Kyu, do you remember when we met?”

 A rustle of branches made itself heard from outside by scratching the closed windows, causing the black-haired to briefly raise his head and look through the temperate glass to then turn around and come back to his previous position. The dim light that brightened the room somehow succeeded on smoothly coloring Kyuhyun’s features even though it was coming from the other side of the place, but the way it painted his skin in silver proved to be incredibly beautiful.

“I do.” The smaller male continued with his monologue, his body getting some inches closer to the bulge under the covers. “I remember how you disliked me after I had said that you looked like a pigeon. And then you said that I looked like a tribal Indian because of my hairstyle. I laughed, but I wanted to punch you really hard.”

 Weakness owned his lips as they drafted a small smile along its extension. Hyukjae gulped down, trying to control the hurtful sensation that was incessantly reverberating through his bones.

“Kyu, you know those mini stuffed elephants you gave me on my birthday, when we had just became friends?” A nasally chuckle traveled through the small space that separated Kyuhyun’s body from Hyukjae’s one. “I felt so touched back then. I was so happy, because I have thought that you wouldn’t remember the date and then you even gave me a gift. I wish I hadn’t burn them up when I got angry at you because you had introduced me your new girlfriend some years after. I think I already had a crush on you that time. I’m sorry.”

 Kyuhyun shoved part of his blanket away from his shoulders while still asleep. Hyukjae shook his head in an adorable way and covered the other with the thick piece of cloth again.

“That day we went bowling. Oh, that one was my favorite.,” A sincere and almost vividly smile grew on the black-haired male’s mouth, curving his plump lips as his gums went showing little by little. “I guess it’s because it was on that day that I really discovered my feelings for you. You were too absorbed on those girls’ mini-skirts, so I presume that you didn’t notice how I blushed at every word you would say to me. It was a good day, though.”

 Hyukjae stared at the way Kyuhyun’s chest would rhythmically move, causing the blankets to go up and down in a calm harmony. From the short distance the black-haired stablished between them, the fresh mint fragrance of Kyuhyun’s cologne was able to reach the smaller male’s sense of smell, the latter inhaling that addicting aroma. There was a long period of time where the only sound echoing through the place was the quiet movements of the bed sheets as the two bodies which lay on it occasionally moved.

“Kyu, do you remember? The time I confessed to you that I was falling in love with someone and you stopped talking to me for a month?” Hyukjae laughed alone, ignoring the way his heart fluttered only by remembering that time. “Do you remember how angry you were when I asked you why you were being like that and then you ignored my question as it was nothing? I liked to think that it was because you were jealous. Were you, Kyu? Jealous?”

 Using the tip of his index finger, Hyukjae traced an imaginary line over the bridge of Kyuhyun’s nose, feeling the rough material of the tiny nasal band under his touch. Kyuhyun frowned on his sleep and the black-haired slight removed his hand, copying the latter’s expression almost unconsciously. His finger went up to touch Kyuhyun’s features again, placing itself in the middle of the furrow formed between his eyebrows and soon watching in delight as it disappeared under his digit.

“Haven’t you ever considered the possibility of the person I was falling in love with being you? Haven’t you ever noticed the way I looked at you? Haven’t you ever wondered why I kept making excuses to be around you?”

 Hyukjae turned his body to the side, lying on his back. His vision was blurry since an amount of tears begun to form on his eyes and he trapped his lower lip between his teeth in a fail attempt to make those tears stop from being created. He should have said something to Kyuhyun. He should have let the other know about his feelings. He should have summoned up the courage to be true with what he felt towards Kyuhyun and bluntly tell him whatever it was.

 Now it all felt like it was too late.

“Hey, Kyu, do you remember when I stole a kiss from you while you were asleep?” An emotionless throaty laugh passed through Hyukjae’s lips. “I still remember the way your lips felt against mine. I remember how sweet it was. And, although you were apparently asleep at that moment, I remember how your lips moved slightly against mine. It was so dreamy. I felt so happy back then. So happy.”

 With a smooth movement, his hand passed through the short locks of messy black hair – that used to be longer to the point of holding a small fringe a couple of weeks ago –, the long fingers getting entangled in its fluffiness. He turned around again and smiled faintly when he saw how a curtain of brown hair had covered part of Kyuhyun’s closed eyes.

“Kyu, you’re so pretty.” Hyukjae’s voice was so low that it could only be heard by his own hearing, letting his friend completely oblivious to the words he was saying on his side. “I wish you were awake right now to listen to these things that I have always wanted to say to you, but I’m not confident enough to say that to you when your eyes are constantly piercing my skin, like they usually do.”

 The clock on the nightstand 3AM and the black-haired sighed at it. The time for him to go was getting closer and this alone was enough to make an agonizing pain to clutch his heart as if it was being smashed by a giant press.

 There was still so much to say.

 There was still so much that hasn’t been said.

 Warm tears slid down his face as he watched Kyuhyun breathing peacefully on his sleep.

“I guess I love you.” A cracked voice resonated in the dim room, being right followed by more tears and occasional gasps from the person who was trying to hold those helpful sobs inside. Hyukjae covered his eyes using the corner of his arm, the feeling of doesn’t seeing Kyuhyun’s figure anymore as it got lost on the darkness of his mind causing a desperate torment to own his senses.

 The suitcases kept carelessly piled by the door’s frame as the black-haired cried silently on the bed, drenching the pillowslip with his salty tears. He cried because he was going to miss his previous life, which was going to have a stop from that day onwards. He cried because he was going to miss his friends, family and all the things he has done with them. He cried because he was going to miss the laughs, the joy, the silliness and the good moments he spent with the people he loved the most. He cried because he was going to miss Kyuhyun. He cried because of those things he left unsaid.

 He cried because he simply didn’t want to go.

 Long minutes passed by until only soft sniffs were heard along with the dance of the wind outside the building. Hyukjae was staring at the ceiling as his mind tried to clear itself up a bit from the stormy thoughts that were currently invading it. His body was numb, but the black-haired still managed to raise his trunk and seat on the bed, his arms supporting his weight by being placed behind his back over the thick blanket.

 Hyukjae tilted his head and leaned down to his side, his face getting closer to Kyuhyun’s one inch by inch until it stopped right above the pale cheek it owned.

“I’m sorry for being a coward.” Came the low and hoarse voice along with a guttural sound which denounced a state near of crying again. “I’m sorry for not letting you know how I felt before. Maybe we could have… Or, who knows… I’m just s-so sorry. I’m sorry.”

 Leaning forward, those plump lips kindly touched Kyuhyun’s cheek and remained there for some more seconds as if wanting to absorb the way it felt under his tenderly kiss. The brunet male’s features softened under that caress and a small smile suddenly appeared on the thin lips for the second time on that dawn.

“I’m sorry I won’t be here to laugh at you when you cut your hair like you have done to me when I went to cut mine. I’m sorry that I won’t be here to hold your hand and smooth you with reassuring words when your time to leave arrives as well like you have done with me the past few days. I’m sorry that I won’t be here to send you off on the fated day. I’m sorry that I have to leave first.”

 Another kiss was planted over Kyuhyun’s skin, but this time the latter frowned instead of smiling since the soft caress came along with a wet and sorrowful single tear. The brunet moved uncomfortably on his spot on the bed and Hyukjae gave loving pats over his shoulder through the blanket in order to calm him down.

“We will have to leave each other for a while now. It’s such a pity, isn’t it?”

 Hyukjae stood there only looking at Kyuhyun’s sleeping figure for some long minutes, the silver light that was enlightening the room getting weaker probably because the lampshade which was proportioning it was running out of battery.

“I know that I was supposed to go only by tomorrow morning, so then you could accompany me to the base and we would be able to greet our goodbyes to each other properly, but I guess I won’t take it if I see a saddened look on your eyes. I know that this will only get things worse and you’ll probably get even sadder when you wake up and realize that I didn’t gave you the chance to say goodbye to me. I know that. But I simply can’t take the pain of watching you suffering because of me. So, I would rather not see it. I’m sorry for being so selfish, but I’m leaving now.”

 A heavy sigh sounded in the quiet room which seemed to be getting colder than before for some reason. Hyukjae peeked at the window from over his shoulder, realizing that the snowfall was becoming stronger outside. His attention was brought back to the brunet male in front of him, the latter unconsciously shifting closer to him as if searching for the warmth that he has been providing him. The black-haired smiled adorably.

“This isn’t a goodbye, though. This isn’t a goodbye because we’ll meet again in two years. I hope you’ll keep waiting for me until then. Do you promise to wait for me?”

 Holding the taller male’s chin with cautions, Hyukjae raised the latter’s head and dedicated a pure and loving kiss on his lips, enjoying how their mouth would perfectly fit. Kyuhyun sighed deeply on his sleep, his breath tickling Hyukjae’s skin and causing them to part away after a short giggle coming from the black-haired. His thumb caressed the other’s cheek one last time and then his touch was gone.

 Putting his feet on the cold ground, the smaller male stood up from the bed and walked languidly to the door’s frame, picking his suitcases up and struggling to keep his legs strong enough to support him on his feet. The despair he was feeling wasn’t letting him breathe properly once again, so he had to breathe in and out repeatedly a few times before turning his head and looking back at the bulge on the bed.

“Goodnight, my Kyuhyun. I love you.”

 The dim light coming from the living room that briefly entered the room as the door was opened was soon vanished when the said door was closed again, the sound of tripping steps echoing through the apartment until it was surpassed by the noise of the front door being opened and closed as well. The silence owned the place and the lampshade blinked its light a few times more.

 In the almost complete darkness of the room, a single tear slid down Kyuhyun’s face.

 Kyuhyun wasn’t fully asleep. He was in that state of mind where you are neither awake nor asleep, so you keep slipping from a place to another in your imagination while dreaming about everything and anything at all at the same time.

 He hasn’t heard nor felt anything that has been happening on the reality, but something inside of him was feeling like dying. There was a heavy weight on his heart that was squeezing it against his chest, causing a horrible feeling to run up his spine.

 Inside his dreamy state, Kyuhyun shrugged that feeling off. Even when his mind wasn’t quite conscious, he knew that the day which would follow that sleep would be a special one. It was Hyukjae’s last day with him before the latter would had to go enlisting and stay away for two years, so the brunet decided to bring his courage up and confess his feelings to him.

 The very moment he would wake up, he would run to Hyukjae’s bedroom and tell him everything, once and for all, so the latter would at least spend his time away while thinking about him and how he was going to be waiting for him to come back. It would be a relief to finally be true with his own feelings and let the other know how much he has loved him since a long time ago. The next day was going to be special, so Kyuhyun was really looking forward to it even on his dreamland.

 Kyuhyun smiled faintly on his dream again even though another tear streamed down his face, the suffocating sadness which reached his unconscious state of mind having a still unknown reason for him.

x

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◦ 12 July 2017 ◦

I promise to wait.

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