I never thought I'd have to live without you.

 

Donghae P.O.V

 

For as long as I can remember you had been part of my life, we had been friends, we had been best friends, we were lovers, but never had we been strangers, neither had we been apart.

 

I had tried for months to try to get used to the idea, I had cried for hours, had panick attacks, but you were there to steady my breath. You held my hand and kissed my neck. The power you had over me was incredible. Near you I could never totally break.

 

That was the problem. I had been relying on you for everything. You were the source of my smile, you were my sunshine, you were the reason my heart beat, you were the reason for me to wake up everyday. How could I not wake up when you were such a bundle of happiness !

 

Everything made the separation hard. We were not so young anymore, we had both been working in great companies, but there is one thing we both regretted now. We never had time to fulfill our national duty, it was a mistake but everything in our early life had been rushed when we both graduated as top students of our university.

 

It had been 5 years since then, in our respective companies we had shown our hard work, but this problem prevented us from evolving even more. We had the firm intention to fulfill our duty but how could we be apart after these 28 years together.

 

Our mothers had been best friends at university and had moved to the same neighbourhood. What a surprise when they learnt their babies would be of the same year. Thereafter we were glued together every weekend, and sometimes even every day. Nothing had separated us.

 

We shared an apartment at university, that's when you realized you could try to fall in love as much as you wanted, I was the only one in your mind. You confessed to me one day after. You had always been straightforward, honest and caring. I hugged you but didn't say anything.

 

I couldn't sleep for the next two days, but never did I ignore you. It wasn't really something that happened between us. My heart had never been racing that fast, but I could only remain attached to the feeling I had for my girlfriend two years ago. It wasn't that I still loved her, but I had an experience in loving a girl, which you didn't.

 

I know many people thought our actions were borderline, and couply. I had never felt as good as when I was with you. My heart was filled for love for you and on the third day after your confession I kissed you out of the blue.

 

Our closest friends knew very fast about our newly formed couple. They couldn't even be surprised as they mentionned the love that was so obvious between the two of us.

 

Our studies couldn't go better, we were in love, we were supporting each other, we were living together. We spent 10 hours a day being all lovey-dovey either in front of a movie, cooking together, sleeping together, and even sometimes when we were revising together.

 

There was never a day when I could feel sad, your beaming smile, your wit, your humor, your voice, everything was perfect in you.

 

When we started working, we moved to a bigger apartment, but when we were both home, if you were in a square meter, I was never far. We had less time together, but our love had matured, and we knew how to enjoy every little moment.

 

But now was a critical time, we were to be away for two years. Our friends and colleagues had been monopolizing us, in separate parties. There were so many times when I wanted to refuse their invitation. But I could never say no when I saw all their efforts.

 

On your side, you were pretty happy to see your colleagues outside of work, you were close to anyone, thanks to your humor, and your happiness that shined through everyone's eyes.

 

20 days before your enlistment, you came up with a great smile on your face. You were hiding something, and I could see it the way your eyes were not really looking into mines.

 

« Hyuk, I can see you're hiding something from me ! »

« How do you always know ? » he asked, pouting.

« Your eyes, baby, your eyes. »

 

He took an evelope that was hidden in the hidden pocket of his jacket. There were two tickets inside. One last trip. Two weeks just for the two of , in a far away place.

 

« We're flying to Europe, and I want to have as many memories as I can with you. »

 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

 

Donghae had never doubted his lover's ability to surprise him. They had both decided to resign from their jobs three weeks before the enlistment. But he thought they'd be spending this time cuddled together in their apartment, or with their family.

 

The two-week stay had been rich in love, in emotion and in pictures. There was never a moment when Hyukjae let his phone or camera down. Donghae never protested, he had been showered with love.

 

In Paris Hyukjae had taken him to luxurious restaurant, he had bought him some fashion pieces and bought him all the macarons he wanted, in Roma Donghae ate as many pizzas and ice-cream as he could, in London they went shopping for souvenirs and in Budapest they enjoyed the spas and went shopping souvenirs in the market.

 

Donghae had been showered with love, he couldn't deny, but at night when he was sure his lover was asleep, he still cried.

 

Hyukjae gave him his everything, he loved it, but he felt like he didn't do enough. What if the other felt bad ? What if he doubted his love ? He knew Hyukjae wanted to spend money on him so he could be happy.

 

The last four days Donghae searched everywhere for a significant present he could offer. As they were strolling in Hyde Park in London, during the second week, Donghae couldn't ignore the artists talking whether it were poems, discussions, orations.

 

That's when it hit him, he had the perfect present.

 

He remained quiet for the following days and never showed his intentions.

 

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

 

When they returned to Seoul, the both of them still had sparkle in their eyes. It had been two weeks of pure love and care.

 

On the third day of their comeback, while Donghae had said he'll be visiting his mother, Hyukjae had decided to do the same.

 

Hyukjae's mother couldn't get used to the idea of having her son away either, she therefore offered him to stay for dinner. He would have accepted if his phone hadn't rung.

 

« Baby ! Where are you ? I thought you'd be there when I come back ! » Donghae whined.

« Please baby, you're 28 ! Don't act as a kid. »

« But I want to pass every remaining second with you »

« I'm at my mum's, I'm coming back right away, don't you worry. »

 

The older had to excuse himself to his mother. She understood, she knew how her son-in-law was clingy.

 

In twenty minutes Hyukjae was back home. Before entering the house a certain emotion seized him.

 

« Four more days to go » he whispered to himself.

 

He had to take a deep breath before entering the apartment. Donghae often thought he was the only one overwhelmed with the situation, but Hyukjae was terrified deep down.

 

When he opened the door, a music started playing.

In a few seconds, he could hear Donghae's voice along with the piano.

 

Baby,

There'll never be enough words,

There'll never be enough pictures,

To say how much I'll miss you,

Your sweet voice, your eye smile,

More than nine years have passed,

And you still have that place in my heart,

I wish you with all my heart to go,

And comeback safely,

I will wait for you my baby.

 

Hyukjae didn't know if he had to cry or to laugh, Donghae was really his adorable one baby. However, faster than he imagined it would, tears started falling.

 

Donghae ca me and hugged his lover.

 

« Idiot, how will you wait for me, when I'll be the first one to come back ? » he kissed his lover through the tears.

 

Donghae hugged him tighter, he wanted to cry as well.

 

But for once, maybe he'll be the strong one.

 

« How can you deny us baby ? » Hyukjae asked in teasing voice.

« W-What do you mean ? » Donghae asked, afraid of having sung something wrong.

« What are 9 years when I've loved you all my life ? »

 

At that moment, he couldn't hide his feelings anymore, he cried so hard that Hyukjae got him to sit down on the couch.

 

Everything had been overwhelming, and their heart couldn't digest all the mixed feelings.

 

When they calmed down Hyukjae asked for the song. The present was perfect. The long periods with no permissions were to be made less difficult since he'd be able to hear his lover's sweet voice everyday.

 

It was short, but Donghae said that as soon as they leave the army they both could tattoo the song near their heart for the meaningfulness of it.

 

Hyukjae loved the idea.

 

The two days were full of events, they had a family dinner, they went to get their hair cut, they prepared their clothes and lugages.

 

After they got their hair cut they were both extremely silent. It was hard, they had always been stylish and had cared about that part of the appearance.

 

It was one day before Hyukjae enlistment, and three before Donghae's. They stayed home the entire time, and only left their bed to prepare food and returned in it to eat. They were cuddling together. Speaking all the love that had been spoken so many times. They didn't want the other to doubt about their real feelings. By chance they'd be able to see each other in a few months.

 

As dinner time came, Hyukjae offered that they should do to the living room and celebrate their love with a bottle of champagne he had bought.

 

This was not the only thing the older had planned.

 

While Donghae had been taking out the bottle and the flutes, Hyukjae was taking one last breath.

 

Donghae called, already missing his lover.

 

Hyukjae took a deep breathe. He knelt down in front of Donghae who was sitting on the couch.

 

« I couldn't think of anything more meaningful to describe our love than this. Baby, my love, please accept this ring, symbol of our love. Hold it near your heart when you miss me. It'll remind you of the humongous love I feel for you. I love you as much as I would love to marry you. This is impossible for us, but this ring is as meaningful as a wedding one could be. I will have the same, yours is engraved with my name and mine with yours. »

 

No word could come out of Donghae's mouth. Only kisses could.

 

For the nth time in the last weeks they made love, passionately, lovingly, with care and with all the emotions they could show through the act. Their last time was to be remembered for all the love they shared.

 

Hyukjae would have prefered to go alone to his camp. He couldn't bear to see the tears of his lover, when they were saying goodbye in the car. Donghae was to tell him goodbye as a lover hidden from all the other people, and as a friend in front of everyone.

 

They had never cared hiding but Donghae craved for a kiss when Hyukjae hugged him and bid farewell in front of everyone.

 

He returned to the car, held the ring close to his heart and played the video Hyukjae had made for him.

 

« Baby,

I won't be able to accompany you as you've done for me,

I deeply regret it, but remember that I'll come back and get you when you go out,

I will arrange everything so we can meet up as much as we can,

Never forget my love, it's the thing I'm the most certain about,

You're my one love »

 

Donghae cried, but the words reached his heart.

 

When the day came for him to leave, his mother, mother-in-law and sister-in-law came. Sora hugged him so tight because she knew it was what her brother would have done. The mums kissed his cheeks in a tender mother love way.

 

And Donghae touched the ring in his pocket.

 

« Hyukjae will be there when I leave. That's the only advantage of going last ».

 

« A love that lasted an entire life will never fade even if we have to be away for two years. »

That was the end of the letter he had found on his bedside table on Hyukjae's enlistment day.