Seulgi hadn’t been loved as much as she was when she was donned in her teddy bear suit.

 

Squeals of children and their happy laughter at the mere sight of her wrote a smile across her own lips every time (it didn’t matter to Seulgi that they couldn’t see – it was enough to just feel). They loved her big hugs, cheered for her silly dances, and sought for her company; Seulgi felt love so overwhelming it flowed through her from every joyful grin that spilled over their mouths like a tumbling river.

 

But then Wendy came along – showed her how to be loved without a costume to hide her face – and Seulgi suddenly didn’t know how to be loved without it.

 

She remembers how Wendy caught her eye one Friday afternoon despite the cluster of children surrounding her; shrieking for her attention as she twiddled with a couple of apparels that had just arrived onto a teddy bear; fitting the little yellow t-shirt through its tiny head (why this particular child wanted a smaller one as opposed to its bigger counterpart, Seulgi had no clue). It was definitely a lot harder to do so when her giant hands and poor sockets for eyes (all thanks to the giant stuffy bear costume) gave Seulgi barely any room to work with.

 

Build-A-Bigger-Bear had only been around for one week and suddenly it was the amusement park for children and adults alike. Everyone enjoyed playing dress up with their toy – and Seulgi had to admit; there was a charm in having a choice of picking a bear’s color, shoes, clothes, and accessories. The freedom was euphoric. But she knew the true magic was in the final act of giving the toy a fluffy heart (in whatever color one wanted) before hiding it away in a sea of cotton stuffing.

 

Even when everyone knew the heart was merely a prop of its own (having no special function whatsoever – it was just as much of a stuffing as its fluffy white cotton neighbors), the action of giving it life – as symbolic as it was, still managed to keep people clamoring for more.

 

She would have argued that dolls and figurines could be dressed up the same way – a new set of shoes, clothes, accessories – but not one of them could be given a heart. Not like the Build-A-Bigger-Bears.

 

Seulgi felt the August heat seep into her costume despite the air conditioning max; she wished the door to the store stayed shut but apparently the manager preferred to keep it open to lure in more customers (and boil her in the summer blaze). It didn’t help that she was stationed by the entrance acting as incentive for attracting anything with two feet and a pair of eyes (Seulgi loved dressing up into a bear but her supervisor could have at least been kind enough to get the door to close for the duration when no one was interested).

 

Her back was beginning to ache from all the kids hovering near her, tugging at her brown fur as she tried to quell their excitement with various bouts of groans that were supposed to be ‘shhhh’ noises instead. God she was tired (she had only been working for five hours but already she was exhausted – Seulgi blamed the sun).

 

“This store isn’t kidding when it says ‘Build-A-Bigger-Bear’,” someone chuckled amusedly, a woman’s voice tinkling with laughter amidst the screeching squeals of children clutching at the toy Seulgi was still fiddling with.

 

Seulgi didn’t bother keeping the bear any longer, not wanting to be clutched at over the toy and allowed the crowd of kids to settle the problem on their own (her ears were already ringing from their shrieks that Seulgi wondered if the job was worth keeping at the expense of her hearing), watching the poor bear be pulled at by tiny clawing hands. She’d rather let her manager handle that.

 

“Yeah,” Seulgi sighed tiredly, readjusting the head of her costume (some child wanted to take a peek inside and that was a big no-no). “The smallest size happens to be one of the largest sizes that our competition has – everyone wants them bigger.”

 

“Like you?”

 

Seulgi felt the patches of red crawling up her neck to settle across her cheeks at the teasing lilt of the woman’s voice (she couldn’t see her still; darn costume – has such poor eye sockets). She was suddenly very grateful to be hiding beneath her costume. And did she just hit on her?

 

Her tongue stumbled over simple words, “I-I um, sort of? I-I meant the size, you know, not – um, not me…”

 

She wished had a zipper like the back of a teddy bear where its heart would be tucked and hidden; Seulgi didn’t like being so easy to read. She shouldn’t even be nervous considering she was practically hidden to begin with. And why did she even take it as a compliment? It could’ve just as easily been an insult instead.

 

“Yes,” the stranger laughed gently, her voice drawing sweet chimes over Seulgi’s earlobes at the sound. “I know,”

 

Seulgi wished at that moment that she hadn’t bothered to readjust her bear head to see what she looked like. She was better off having air in her lungs than without – any sane person would know that. She was doing so well just by hearing her voice – why couldn’t she have just been a voice?

 

Shimmery locks of auburn brown flowed past the woman’s shoulders, her fringe drawing tinges of both innocence and maturity over just the top of sharp brows, glossing across a pair of eyes in savory hues of chestnut and glowing confidence. Despite the shorter height, the woman expressed a sense of grace from her straightened back and relaxed but steady shoulders; a look of elegance that Seulgi didn’t have – not with how her own shoulders tended to slouch, her back always at a slump.

 

Seulgi stumbled back on images of perfection; from the way the stranger had her lips curled up like tilted specks of melted gold, playful and teasing, to the way her simple blue hoodie (it was just a hoodie, Seulgi whined bitterly) accentuated the edges of her shoulders to the loose spaces of her arms; clearly still an extra size larger than her figure but still managed to make her look unfortunately great.

 

She was doomed.

 

“H-Hey, are you okay?” The stranger asked her as she kept her steady by strong fingers wrapped around her furry arm – Seulgi suddenly had two left feet and she wasn’t even dancing. “Maybe you’ve been in that costume for too long; it’s pretty warm out after all…”

 

Oh no. Oh no no no no no.

 

Seulgi’s eyes widened at the sight of the pretty stranger looming closer, how her neck burned several degrees hotter at the feel of small, cool fingers clasping beneath her bear mask, the woman’s fingertips sliding gently across her skin.

 

Oh god–

 

“NO!” Seulgi squeaked, pulling away and clutching at her bear head like it would stave off the burning chills left by the stranger’s touch along her neck. “N-No, it’s okay,” she managed to say more calmly (ignoring the racing thrum in her chest), “I-I have to, um, keep this on until my shift is over – don’t want to break the children’s hearts, so…”

 

The stranger looked apologetic and Seulgi didn’t like the frown painted across plump lips.

 

“Oh,” she muttered quietly, suddenly looking shy and Seulgi wondered how she could pull off both stunningly courageous and adorably meek. “Sorry, I was just worried. You’re okay then?” She said looking back up at her, “Not feeling dizzy or anything?”

 

Seulgi would like to say ‘it was all because of you’, but that sounded too rude and way too forward at the same time. She was glad she was never good with words; they always managed to get stuck in and this was no exception.

 

“… Yeah,” she mumbled finally, seemingly ending their meaningless conversation (it wasn’t really meaningless; she got an eyeful of a painting that spoke volumes of adventure after all – it just sort of ended in a weird circle that fell through even though there wasn’t supposed to be such an abrupt ending).

 

“That’s good,” she said, as if ignoring the awkward cloud gradually falling over them, “I’m Seungwan, but I like the sound of Wendy.” Seulgi glanced at the offered hand, mulling over the foreign name. “And you are? Besides being the store’s ‘Bigger-Bear’,” she giggled cutely, a poor but adorable attempt at a joke.

 

 

"... Seulgi," she said with slight hesitation, taking her hand, unsure of why the stranger was bothering to get to know her.

 

"Well, I should get going." Seungwan – Wendy, said, pulling at a strap on her shoulder only for Seulgi to finally realize that she had a guitar with her. A musician, maybe? "The kids always went on and on about this giant walking teddy bear around the corner building other teddy bears once they're done lessons. I wanted to see this bear for myself." Her curved lips managed to be a culmination of both a smirk and a smile.

 

Seulgi felt sheepish despite the costume hiding her appearance, her hand immediately scratching at the back of her head.

 

"Oh do they...?" She didn't know what to say; she was just doing her job but to hear that the kids actually liked her (and weren't actually bullying her with how they tugged at her fur all the time) felt nice.

 

Wendy grinned then, turning around to head back out. "They sing about you; that has to mean something, right?" She said with eyes startlingly bright against the yellow haze of a burning summer sun that Seulgi felt her heart freeze up to a pause even when it shouldn't.

 

Seulgi had wondered if Wendy visited merely to let her know of the opinion of a cluster of children. Maybe she was looking out for the kids too, not wanting a creeper hidden beneath a costume calling in so much love from a naively innocent bunch. But what she did know was that she was no longer melting beneath the dazing heat of August weather, stuck in a bear suit for two more hours – she was drowning.

 

She still wonders now, as she stares down at a mute present Wendy, how her chest rises and falls, the surprise and confusion coloring wide brown eyes as flashes of her Wendy appear as fleeting hues – if the Wendy back then knew anything about how her eyes could be so deep that it pulled her in and wouldn't let her out.

 

Seulgi figured then, as she shuffled back towards the kids all jumbled together at the clothing section (allowed her memory of their first encounter to drown her again) whining at her as soon as she made her presence known, that she should appreciate the little rascals a bit more (even if they were frustratingly annoying most of the time).

 

-

 

Because she was naturally a curious person (Seulgi blamed her mother’s probing personality), Seulgi thought it was okay to scout out for Wendy – see what she meant by the children ‘singing’ about her.

 

Once her shift ended and she finally got to get out of the large, comfy – but very stuffy – bear suit, Seulgi figured it was okay to follow one of the kids out of the store. It wasn’t like she was stalking the kid to do something bad to them (she tried to convince herself she wasn’t the creeper Wendy was checking on her to be – she wasn’t), she was just following one for scientific purposes.

 

Seulgi had tailed two kids already but they both were simply busts (one led her to a clothing store and the other an arcade), so she hoped that the third would be a charm.

 

Wendy had said ‘around the corner’, but it didn’t help identifying which when there were plenty of buildings at every corner occupying the central circle of a shopping district.

 

Swiping a bead of sweat off her brow, Seulgi removed her orange cardigan to tie around her waist instead (let her white shirt reflect the afternoon rays), have it hang over a pair of ripped black jeans and worn out white Nike’s. She allowed her fingers to flit through her locks of jet onyx into a bun as she trailed behind a little girl with blonde hair and a red bow on her head.

 

She recognized the tiny child as one of the whinier rascals she has had to deal with for the past week, scowling at a memory of the girl biting on her bear leg (thank god she was in her suit) because some boy stole a blue dress from her toy bear to put on his own instead.

 

Seulgi hid behind a lamppost as the girl walked into a tiny shop with musical notes graffitied along its walls, the name of the store littered with specks of lines and symbols attached to an overhanging arch.

 

It would explain Wendy’s guitar.

 

Shuffling closer so she could peer over the large display case of violins, Seulgi stared through the window to spot the tiny child give her purple dressed toy bear to Wendy.

 

As soon as Wendy had the stuffed animal in her arms (Seulgi refused to admit that it was cute because it made her look tinier than she already was with how the tips of its feet dangled along the floor – a wonder with how the child managed to carry it all the way over), the little girl began to cry.

 

Startled, Seulgi couldn’t help but enter the store, attempt to keep discreet behind a stack of CDs as she watched Wendy kneel in front of the child.

 

“I-I was going to get the blue dress…” the little girl hiccupped as she rubbed her eyes, “…B-But I couldn’t – I really wanted to get the sky for you, too…”

 

“Oh Taeyeon…” Wendy hushed her with a hug, squeezing the child between her arm and the bear’s fluffy body, “Purple’s just as great because it’ll remind me of you, okay?”

 

Seulgi almost cooed at the sight but immediately clammed shut with a hand as soon as a syllable began to spill from her lips. Her squeak was left unheard as Wendy ushered the girl further into the shop and Seulgi wondered if she should stick around.

 

So the blue dress was for Wendy,

 

She took one more glance back at the two girls, watched how Wendy cradled the little child with the toy bear in her arms and figured she could make it back to her workplace before either of them could leave.  

 

Her legs already made it past the lamppost outside when her thoughts came to a decision, her strides – for once, confident.

 

-

 

Seulgi had the lines in her head, the script perfectly written across a clear mind.

 

She even had it rehearsed silently on her lips as she made her steps back to the music store, mute words clawing at to have even memorize the syllables she wanted to say – what she was supposed to say.

 

“U-Uh, I kind of, well, followed her here, and um – overheard everything, so I thought, er – blue dress?”

 

What was that? Seriously.

 

How embarrassing, she thought. Seulgi wanted to dig herself a bottomless pit beneath her feet – have herself fall in it along with her bear suit. Speaking of which, she should have worn her bear suit. Why wasn’t she wearing her bear suit?

 

If Wendy didn’t think of her as a creeper for children before, then she certainly did now.

 

Seulgi attempted to spin around, to head back out – to let herself disappear into the crowd of busy shoppers and blistering summer heat until tiny fingers grasped at her hand, clutching onto her wrist.

 

She froze up at the little girl’s touch, “You look better as a bear,” she said, her large curious eyes gazing up at her and Seulgi began to miss hiding in her suit. “You’re not fluffy to bite anymore.”

 

Was that a compliment?

 

“Okay Tae-Tae,” Wendy plucked the girl’s hand from her skin, cradling the child into her arms. “Upsy-daisy; your mommy’s coming any second now.”

 

Seulgi stared as the girl – Taeyeon, snuggled her face into Wendy’s neck, humming a weak “Okay,” as Wendy sent her a sheepish but curious smile her way. Seulgi felt like she was intruding until Wendy ushered her over with a nod of her head, gesturing to take a seat near the back of the store loitered with grand pianos.

 

Seulgi settled on a chair for the quality obsidian shine of a Steinway & Sons, admiring the craftsmanship of polished perfection along with gleaming black and white keys. She heard fading murmurs of Taeyeon’s “Goodbye,” and Wendy’s chirped “See you next week!” before the door clicked shut.

 

She suddenly didn’t know what to do with herself, streaking her fingertips along the canvas of the piano’s black surface. What was she even doing here? It was just to give the blue dress right? And to see what Wendy was like?

 

God she was such a mess –

 

“I was wondering why you were hiding behind a stack of vinyl records earlier…” Wendy’s voice halted her thoughts completely, eyes widening as the blue dress dangled between Wendy’s fingers. “You weren’t hard to miss,”

 

Seulgi swallowed, clamming up with poor excuses and apologies. She wanted to clear her name, let her know that she was in no way a child molester or some e – that she was merely stalking the kid for research, but all that left Seulgi’s lips were words that were just as pathetic as her meek personality.

 

“… Was it because I’m tall and you’re not?”

 

Did she just claim her death certificate and gave permission for Wendy to execute her on the spot? Good thing she mentally prepared a hole beneath her feet already.

 

She was screwed.

 

Wendy’s raucous laughter a minute later stopped the world from spinning in Seulgi’s head, paused how her life was just flashing before her mind’s eye – recalling all the things she had enjoyed for the few precious 21 years of her life.

 

“Yes, actually,” Wendy chuckled, a hand to her lips to muffle the giggles still managing to escape. “And the fact that the door has a bell, so…”

 

Right. No wonder she heard a ding go off as soon as she crawled in. How embarrassing.

 

Seulgi attempted to hide her glowing face of differing shades from pink to red, hands pressing up against her skin to cool off the heat pouring between her fingers. This was why she relied so heavily on the mask of her suit – she was a walking disaster and had never really felt comfortable in her own skin.

 

She wished she was like Wendy – calm, cool, collected; confident.

 

Her apologies tried to escape between her teeth, eyes shut tight behind the safety of her hands, but paused short when slim fingers clasped at her own to peel them off like masking tape.

 

“Lesson 1: don’t hide anything about yourself because there’s nothing to be ashamed about,” Wendy said, her words seeping warmth across her skin as Seulgi peeked between the spaces of her fingers. “Being the mascot of a store, you’d think they’d be the not-so-shy type,” Wendy continued, as if muttering to herself, drawing her hands out of her face to settle in smaller, slimmer ones – the blue dress tickling the edges of her palms. “It feels safe to hide, doesn’t it?”

 

Seulgi stared at the way Wendy’s eyes told her stories of a tale that made her grow – develop into an independence of a road not often crossed. The way she smiled was inspiring – lighting up flickering embers along the ridges of Seulgi’s timid heart.

 

Wendy ushered her over to a guitar, settled the instrument into her hands and grabbed her own – like they were going to play the start of a song to their beginning (Seulgi was about to protest; let her know “I don’t know how –” until Wendy hushed her with a knowing grin).

 

“Why look down on yourself when you could look up?” Wendy had said matter-of-factly, like the words bled gold and truth, a verse in a bible that left Seulgi speechless from the tinges of hope that colored her question.

 

Seulgi wondered then, as Wendy helped her place her fingers on the correct fret, if this was how love (in the most platonic form of the word) felt like without a suit to play as her skin.

 

She felt free.

 

-

 

It didn’t take Wendy long to burrow a hole somewhere in her heart (only took her a month – more than half of which were Seulgi being in utter denial), nestling away in a cave she built for herself between the crevices that kept the organ beating, pumping life through her veins.

 

Seulgi remembers having been worried about it – how invested she was getting into being with Wendy; just being in her presence, spending time until the clock ticked past curfew and Wendy needed to go.

 

But no one was ever waiting for her at home.

 

“… Is that weird?” Wendy had asked out of the blue as they started cleaning up the sets of take-out in Seulgi’s kitchen, “That I don’t live with my parents anymore?”

 

Seulgi wanted to say ‘yes’. But maybe it was because she was living with hers (they were currently out shopping with her older brother) that it seemed odd to hear Wendy wasn’t.

 

“Not really…” she settled for instead, dumping the dirty plates into the sink, flicking the faucet open. “…Isn’t it lonely?”

 

They were close enough to talk about things like school and music (it turned out Wendy was a great vocalist, and when she found out Seulgi could sing, they ended up making impromptu singing sessions whenever they could), but not enough to have talked about family.

 

At best, Seulgi knew Wendy’s family were wealthy – that Wendy’s older sister had followed in their parents’ footsteps in learning the ways of business management. It turned out that they owned plenty of music shops across the globe, even setting up record deals with artists alike and having a hand at the entertainment industry. They were experienced professionals in the field of music, but even when Wendy clearly had a passion for the same thing, it didn’t look like they shared similar views.

 

“Kind of,” Wendy said as she helped her out with drying the dishes. “But I like it – it’s quiet.”

 

“Quiet?”

 

“No noises,” Wendy quipped, brushing her hair to curl behind her ear. “I don’t really like noises – like, you know…” she clutched against the edge of the countertop, waiting for Seulgi to rinse the rest of the soap. “Those ‘ticks’ and ‘clicks’ sounds; my house always had noisy locks even when they were new.”

 

Seulgi raised a brow as she handed another plate to her, “But don’t you make noises all the time? Like music,”

 

Wendy laughed, “The difference is that one sounds nicer and the other one doesn’t.” She said, scrubbing the dish until it dried, “Just a personal pet peeve; mom and dad always talked about maintaining a constant rhythm and…” Seulgi watched Wendy pause minutely, as if proofreading the words outlined in her head. “…I don’t really want to anymore. Is it really so bad to be all over the place?”

 

Seulgi hadn’t really understood what Wendy was going on about – what made the girl run on fuel like clockwork. But what she did know was that Wendy hadn’t been the collected individual that Seulgi saw her to be. She was chaos that knew how to be organized, divided, broken, and fixed, all at the same time. Wendy carried discord like how Seulgi carried personal doubt; but one knew how to grow beyond its chains and the other one didn’t.

 

“No,” Seulgi said with courage that she was trying to keep and flourish, “Because you wouldn’t have met me, right?”

 

Wendy guffawed, her laughter ringing bells in Seulgi’s ears at the way one of her eyes squint more than the other. The sight made something fester inside of her, clutching at the walls of her stomach – anxious at Wendy’s response for her next question.

 

“How about a sleepover?”

 

Seulgi had been delighted to see the surprise color Wendy’s face and felt fireworks erupt in her chest at the giant smile that seemed to be permanent across her lips. Seulgi wanted it to stay that way forever.

 

It had been awkward at first, considering Wendy only had one bed. It didn't help that she insisted that it was okay to share even when Seulgi had offered to sleep on the couch; that she was used to sleeping in odd places (not that it was true; she just didn't want to be so close to Wendy breathing the same air, lying on the same mattress; it was terrifying) but Wendy wouldn't take any form of 'no'.

 

Not even when Seulgi resorted to stomping the ground like a petulant child with a tantrum, only receiving Wendy's soft "Got it all out? Great, now come on; I'm sleepy and I need something to hug." Before dragging her with a strength that Seulgi didn't know was hidden in such a tiny and petite human being.

 

She didn't realize having Wendy in her arms was something she had been wanting until her warmth was pressed against her, Wendy's face nuzzling comfortably against her neck. She remembered Wendy mentioning being extra sensitive to the cold even when she was from Canada, so her being so flush against her felt both logical and irrational at the same time (irrational because here she was – her mind going haywire).

 

"Goodnight, Seul." Wendy muttered softly, and Seulgi felt her knees weaken at the sleepy lilt of her voice and the newly acquired nickname.

 

Unable to help herself, Seulgi leant down, placed her lips against her forehead and murmured just as tenderly.

 

"Goodnight, Wen-Wen."

 

And that had been the moment Seulgi realized that she didn't need a costume to feel loved, drifting off to slumber in hopes of waking up to this same fairytale.

 

-

 

They had gotten closer.

 

On most days, Seulgi would visit Wendy at her apartment; spend time just lounging around, watching dramas that had horribly clichéd plotlines. Or, they’d go shopping together, picking out new clothes to wear before heading to the shop to jam to any type of music until their throats felt tired and Wendy’s fingers couldn’t play the keys to a piano or the strings of her guitar anymore.

 

She even got to witness one of Wendy’s music lessons, watched how the normally loud cluster of children she had to deal with back at work were suddenly quiet and compliant. They obeyed Wendy without hesitation, singing with technique at such young ages (especially Taeyeon – the girl was particularly gifted vocally) and playing instruments with skill honed to precision.

 

They had even gotten close enough to sleep together without qualms, tickling each other until they were too exhausted to move anymore, or tell each other bedtime stories about anything and everything.

 

Their “I love you,” spanned throughout the day in giant intervals, mostly at mundane times: when Wendy cooked, Seulgi would say it (she always loved hearing Wendy’s giggly return of the same three words), when Seulgi was too engrossed with the TV, Wendy would say it, and when they had sleepovers (it was usually four times a week – Seulgi didn’t want Wendy to be alone anymore), they’d both have it replace their goodnights.

 

There were jokes of kissing each other too.

 

“Coffee again, Seul?” Wendy had whined playfully one morning, as if to complain despite turning on the kettle for her. “I bet you taste like it now too – what with your obsession every morning.”

 

Seulgi had snorted, “But it’s good! Keeps me awake and all, and besides,” she continued on, leaning back against the chair. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” She joked heartily, a smug grin plastering the edges of her face.

 

She immediately regretted feeling so confident (to think all Wendy had was just lesson 1; the girl never taught her anything else) when Wendy circled the table to lean over her, signature auburn hair flickering against her cheeks, her eyes suddenly easier to read.

 

“I would, actually.” Wendy quipped, smirking that it made Seulgi glow from the heat that flew up to her skin.

 

It was all she said before Wendy pulled back, humming a tune to a random song as she skipped back into the kitchen to prepare breakfast.

 

Seulgi never thought much of it – didn’t want to think more of it (not when Wendy stayed the same), so she didn’t.

 

Seulgi even knew her family – got acquainted with them once Wendy invited her over to Canada; to go visit with her because she didn’t want to be alone; that she couldn’t handle their disappointment of her going nowhere with all their glory, all at once. To them, Wendy wasn’t thinking about a future – where success was merely at the tips of her fingers and chose to only float about life like a drifting cloud.

 

But Wendy had everything planned – she didn’t want to pursue something she wasn’t interested in (a music career sounded amazing, but having her parents monitor her every move, control her progress – Wendy didn’t want it). Wendy wanted to compose music for movies: for anything with a moving picture, whether it be little things like video games to giant productions like theatres. She wanted to be able to move an audience through music alone with a story to tell. If she were to be a singer instead, Wendy feared they would only be focused on her face and status.

 

Seulgi understood so when they arrived at Wendy’s estate (incredibly large – a house that huge could exist?), she expected a freezing welcome and blazing scrutiny. There were none.

 

“H-Hi mom and dad…” Wendy had muttered, clearly nervous (one of the rare moments Seulgi had caught seeing Wendy so unlike her brave persona), but Seulgi didn’t feel animosity from the two adults.

 

They merely pulled Wendy into a giant hug, no words having left their lips and Seulgi suddenly didn’t know if she was allowed to witness such familial intimacy. It felt sacred – precious, something everyone could envy about for the loving warmth it expressed. She wanted to reach out; pat Wendy’s back when she heard her muffled sob crack the quiet air of October.

 

It was only when they had settled down in their circle of tears and happiness that Seulgi understood the lack of claws and bared teeth as greetings.

 

Wendy had run away from home – and she was forgiven.

 

Seulgi only confronted her about it when they were heading back, leaving Canada for warmer, milder winters (she had enjoyed their visit, though Wendy’s older sister gave her the creeps with the way she kept wagging her eyebrows like there was something more to them than just being friends – pfft, friends held hands and kissed each other’s cheeks all the time; nothing special).

 

“… I was being a little spontaneous.” Wendy had enough guilt to look remorseful, a sheepish smile plaguing her face as they buckled up their seats before take-off. “And before I knew it, I had an apartment and a job and have enrolled in school.”

 

Seulgi didn’t know what to say. She knew she would never run off, considering her family was knitted together like sewn wool, close enough to share secrets and tidbits of insecurities. Seulgi wondered if Wendy had been afraid to face the world on her own.

 

Did she ever cry in her room? Attempt to keep warm with blankets that were too many to count and a heater that never quite did its job right all on her own? Did she ever feel insecure about her choice? To leave behind people who clearly cherished her and cared for her wellbeing? Did she ever feel unloved being all by herself? Alone?

 

“Why do you look at me like that, Seul?”

 

Seulgi was startled by the question. “What?” She yelped, her fingers unclasping their hold on Wendy’s atop the arm of her seat.

 

Wendy’s stare was unmoving – not quite like a predator, but more like a sense of wonder and understanding; but of what, Seulgi wasn’t sure. She jolted again when the announcement came on, “To all passengers…”

 

“Easy, Seul. You’re so jumpy,” Wendy chided lightly, placing a hand on her forearm to steady the nerves in her limbs. “I was just wondering; do you look at everyone else like that? Or just me?”

 

Seulgi didn’t understand, turning a curious head back to Wendy, watching how her fringe had gotten shorter so her eyes wouldn’t hide away behind them anymore (the hair salon didn’t look much different in Canada).

 

“Like what?” Seulgi felt herself choke on air when Wendy smiled at her like she knew something she didn’t.

 

Wendy leaned into her ear, her breath drawing smokes against sensitive skin. Seulgi’s back had stiffened at the feather touch, a gasp stuck between the walls of .

 

“Like a love letter?”

 

Seulgi remembers sputtering broken words then, unsure of why she had reacted so strongly to such an innocent question. But even when she had denied feeling anything like that, the small knowing smile on Wendy’s face never left. She had merely accepted her cracked syllables with intertwined fingers, clasping her between the spaces of their hands like it would anchor the nerves trembling Seulgi’s limbs. And it did.

 

For the rest of the flight, Seulgi had wondered if it was okay to feel so out of her element, like the truth was suddenly left bare across her chest for Wendy to see and the girl had seen it, and never ran away (Seulgi didn’t even know she was hiding something so raw, so wanting).

 

It helped settle the thrum in her frantic heart, the way Wendy snuggled her head against her shoulder, still keeping close like nothing changed (even when everything at that moment did).

 

“Take time, to realize…” Wendy began, her voice soft akin to silk as she sang the lyrics to a song Seulgi wasn’t aware of. “That your warmth is crashing down on in…”

 

Seulgi felt her eyes close, Wendy’s singing a soothing lullaby that warmed her into a gentle heat even when she couldn’t understand the words. She rested her temple against Wendy’s head, squeezing their fingers together.

 

“Could you give me the lyrics to that song later?” Seulgi asked amidst the haze of Wendy’s voice and the calm thrum in her heart. “I want to sing it with you,”

 

Wendy quipped playfully, “Sure, but can I at least confess to you with it first?”

 

Seulgi’s shoulder had jolted along with her, knocking their heads together, ruining whatever mood they were molded in. Wendy rubbed at the sore spot, pouting as Seulgi massaged her own temple. Confess?

 

“I-I am so sorry, Wen! I –” Seulgi clammed up as Wendy took her head, her fingers brushing cool wisps against her skin to place it on her shoulder instead.

 

Seulgi wanted to move – to get up and properly apologize but Wendy kept her still, feeling Wendy’s head rest against hers to have it locked in; their positions reversed.

 

“So you won’t go anywhere and I can continue singing, okay?” Wendy chirped, slightly reprimanding, seemingly proud of herself even when Seulgi knew that all she had to do was shift back; slide her head out from the space between Wendy’s shoulder and temple.

 

Seulgi shifted so she could feel more comfortable (the con of being taller), and hummed, giving up because she wasn’t about to run away from something she wanted, too.

 

When Wendy figured it was okay to continue, Seulgi tried not to fall asleep to her voice (it was rude but it was such a lullaby) as the foreign words filtered into ears, clutching at her earlobes and nestling into her chest.

 

“If you just realize what I just realized…”

 

-

 

They never got to sing it together.

 

Seulgi had been waiting for Wendy to come by, having already learned the lyrics to the song so they could play harmony and make music that got their hearts to sing along. It had been four days since they arrived back home from Canada; they both had been busy trying to keep up with work and school, making up for lost time while they were away.

 

At best, they settled for texting, their sleepovers put on hold because they were too exhausted to keep each other company without falling asleep long enough to keep a conversation going.

 

But they managed to schedule a hangout together, one that was long overdue (Seulgi missed her; she couldn’t wait), with Wendy’s message.

 

(I’m coming over; we’ll sing it out loud and make it our song!)
Sender: Son Seungwan Wendy
Received: 4:37:14 PM
Received: 10/23/14

 

Seulgi had replied quickly with an overly enthusiastic smile emoji, already excited to see the girl as she gathered her things, hastily putting on a simple white sweater and jeans before grabbing her black trench coat.

 

(Then we’ll be girlfriends officially, got it? ;D)
Sender: Kang Seulgi
Received: 4:38:02 PM
Received: 10/23/14

 

Wendy had wanted to ask her out on the plane once she had finished the last line to her confession song (their confession song), but Seulgi made her delay it; told her she wanted to sing it with her, tell her how she felt through it too.

 

So she practiced each day as soon as Wendy had given her the lyrics, learned to mimic the accent enough to not butcher the song. She didn’t want to ruin it, not when Wendy was her first for everything (like love and true friendship). Wendy deserved perfection.

 

(Got it. :D)
Sender: Son Seungwan Wendy
Received: 4:39:40 PM
Received: 10/23/14

 

But Seulgi felt restless.

 

She wondered if it was because she hadn’t seen the other girl in so long (four days were excruciatingly painful) that she felt so anxious. But whatever it was, the gnawing feeling in her stomach got her to her feet and had her exiting her home even when it hadn’t been three minutes since she had received Wendy’s text.

 

Seulgi only had to travel a few blocks, knowing that Wendy was coming from the music shop after her singing lessons (she figured she could go visit her instead, catch her on the way).

 

Ignoring the chilly whistles of November, Seulgi shoved her hands into her pockets and wished she had brought her gloves with her when she heard a child wailing like her lungs burned with pain.

 

She rushed immediately, heart jolted into a speed at the cry that scarred the air like prickling knives, her Nike’s crushing dead leaves as she sprinted towards the sound, spotting familiar short blonde hair and the giant blue dressed teddy bear.

 

Taeyeon’s name fell short from her lips at the sight of a color that wasn’t supposed to be staining the little girl’s frilly white dress. It was a color that covered specks of broken pavement until Seulgi made it closer, the pool of red getting bigger as it oozed from an open gash of a woman that looked too much like Wendy.

 

Everything blurred after that: how she had called for help as she checked on Wendy, unsure of exactly what to do because she had no medical knowledge as her words stuttered their location into her phone’s receiver, Taeyeon’s screeching wail a reflection of the tremor in her own chest – how she wanted to scream and cry out just as much (if not more, so much more), her eyes stinging with tears that wouldn’t stop shedding.

 

She still remembers the skid marks of tires.

 

It was only when the doctors were finished checking up on Taeyeon and had taken Wendy away, (Taeyeon managed to tell her that Wendy wanted to surprise her and have all three of them sing together) that Seulgi allowed herself to crumble.

 

Her knees dropped to the cold pavement of the sidewalk just outside of the hospital and sobbed against Taeyeon’s dry stained dress (there were no injuries to the girl except for the tiny scrapes on her legs and hands – suggesting that she had been pushed). Seulgi felt Taeyeon’s tiny fingers knead at her hair, wrapping little arms around her head and pulling her close. She could feel Taeyeon’s tears wet her scalp as she tightened her arms around the little girl’s body.

 

Taeyeon’s parents were stuck in traffic, so Seulgi offered to keep her company; they both needed it, anyway.

 

Clearing , Seulgi stood and took Taeyeon’s hand, smudging away the tears that were still wet on her face.

 

“Come on, I think I got a bear t-shirt that could fit you just right.”

 

-

 

It took Seulgi a month to muster up the courage to visit Wendy only to find out she was already discharged.

 

They told her that her family picked her up a few days back; that Wendy was perfectly fine and had recovered quickly. Seulgi didn’t get anything else after that as she trudged back outside, wondering why Wendy hadn’t come by to visit her if she was considered fine. Then again, maybe she was angry that she didn’t visit her.

 

If that was the case, then Seulgi couldn’t blame her.

 

She peeked through the familiar window of the music shop, spotting Taeyeon fiddling with the strings of a guitar. Seulgi had no work today so she didn’t get to see Taeyeon at the Build-A-Bigger-Bear, catching sight of a new toy in the little girl’s free hand.

 

“Seul?”

 

Seulgi froze up, turning her head slowly to the side to see Wendy with a plastic bag filled with treats, her appearance mirroring the same look she had the first time they met.

 

“… Wen-Wen?” She muttered, disbelief painting her voice as she attempted to reach out, to grasp at her face as if to make sure she wasn’t seeing things.

 

Wendy had on such a shy smile that Seulgi wondered if she was looking at the same person.

 

“I-I guess?” Seulgi tried not to let her jaw hang open as she watched Wendy play with her wristwatch, tapping a finger against it so it’d go tick, tick, tick. “People don’t really seem to like the sound of ‘Seungwan’, so I go by ‘Wendy’ instead.” She said, as if to remind herself of it.

 

Seulgi didn’t understand. Wendy preferred to be called ‘Wendy’; that it symbolized her confidence, her maturity, her independence, her bravery – and because she simply liked the sound of it. And since when did Wendy start tapping on her watch as if the sound made her feel better? Didn’t she hate the noise?

 

“They, um… they told me that I had a close friend – my family, that is…” Wendy continued on, like stuttering was in her nature. “…Seulgi, right?”

 

This wasn’t right.

 

“I just – I saw pictures of us. In my apartment… I was just, well, wondering when you were going to visit me, since – um,” Wendy hunched over, her shoulders raised up, her ticking going louder. “…I can’t remember where you live or where you work; if, um, I ever knew in the first place…”

 

This wasn’t Wendy. Not her Wendy. Seulgi wasn’t even sure how to feel.

 

"Things are just... it's just blurry. It doesn't feel like I've forgotten anything because nothing feels out of place. Everything makes sense in my head even when I'm told they shouldn't."

 

Seulgi knew things were. Everything was out of order, as chaotic as the time Seulgi pretended to be anything less than herself.

 

"...So I recognize things, like where I work, or that you're a friend – right?"

 

Seulgi wanted to cry out "No, wrong – I'm more than that," but how could she tell Wendy that when Wendy didn't remember loving her? How could she tell someone that she was supposed to be in love with the person right in front of them when her eyes didn't mirror her own?

 

"R-Right," Seulgi muttered, aware of how her voice had cracked at the weight of a world without someone who had always been constant – even when they were right there with her.

 

Wendy's smile felt like hers and Seulgi wondered if she was just hiding somewhere – like how Seulgi had hidden in her bear suit.

 

"What – um, what shouldn't make sense?" Seulgi attempted to understand, to see where Wendy was, how far she had gone.

 

Wendy scratched at her neck, looking shy. "That, well – that I love mom and dad."

 

Seulgi was confused; her relationship with her parents were fixed – seamlessly well even, after their visit.

 

"I-I didn't understand why they were suddenly so caring," Wendy murmured, fringe arching over the tops half of her eyes. "So I – um, I ran away."

 

Seulgi felt like a giant rock had slapped her face. This Wendy was the Wendy before she became the cool, calm, collected, and confident, woman who had a playful teasing streak. This was the Wendy Seulgi had been wondering about – whether she ever felt alone, anxious, and insecure.

 

This was the Wendy who ran away from home (but not for the same reason – her parents love her in this reality and it had scared her off).

 

Wendy was just starting all over again.

 

Seulgi tried not to think about how much she missed the woman who resembled her, and thought that she could be the one to help Wendy grow just like how she did for her in the past (which now felt so distant even when it had only been less than a year).

 

She took Wendy's hand and swallowed down her tears; she could do this.

 

"What do you say about a sleepover? We've got a lot of catching up to do."

 

If Wendy had fallen in love with her once before, she would fall in love with her again. This time, she would be her pillar – her walking courage.

 

-

 

They talked about everything like there was nothing wrong with their fairytale.

 

About work, school, friends (Wendy had referred to them as her little students), and family.

 

Wendy didn't seem to have a clue that her parents had forgiven her first run from home; that because she forgot – misunderstanding their good intentions, she ran away again. Fate didn't seem to want Wendy to stop from repeating it.

 

Seulgi guessed it was okay – that maybe this was destiny's way of making Wendy grow. Wendy did it once; there was no reason that she couldn't do it again.

 

Seulgi thought it wasn't so bad; Wendy wouldn't be alone anymore, now that she was here. She would be here to help her up – guide her through hardships as her anchor. It was like returning the favor.

 

Her “I love you’s” came out subconsciously; it was a habit that Seulgi didn’t want to get rid of. The first time it came out for this Wendy, Seulgi had thought her heart couldn’t handle keeping her alive anymore.

 

“I love you,” Seulgi had said during a commercial break, having gotten bored waiting for the drama to come on again as Wendy fiddled with the strings of her guitar.

 

She only realized her crucial mistake when a note came out flat, piercing the quiet air with a tone too off to be Wendy’s flawless playing. She was suddenly too terrified to look at her, limbs rigid as she attempted to appear clueless and nonchalant – like it was a normal thing (it was, before).

 

Seulgi wanted to apologize for her weird behavior – take it back so Wendy wouldn’t be walking on glass like she always seemed to now (even when she was aware that Seulgi was her friend, she still seemed so careful around her), before she spoke up with a voice so silent that Seulgi wondered if she merely imagined it all.

 

“I love you too.” Her chest kept static, her lungs empty of oxygen as her head whipped to look at Wendy like she couldn’t believe what she was hearing – and she really couldn’t. “…Right?” She asked timidly, fringe over her eyes.

 

Seulgi tried not to cry in her presence, murmuring in return, “Right,” before getting up to lock herself in the bathroom (give Wendy a silly excuse of “Need to take a number two,”) for the three minutes she allowed herself to break.

 

She didn’t want to stop saying it; didn’t want to stop telling Wendy the truth – so she toughened up, swallowed the past of a time where Wendy meant it too and pretended it didn’t hurt whenever Wendy returned it with a lie.

 

They even got to the topic of romance. Seulgi hadn’t known what to say when Wendy looked her in the eye and asked if she was in love with someone. Her words were jumbled in , playing with the tips of her tongue; Seulgi didn’t know if she could tell her.

 

“…I am,” she had whispered beneath her breath, both wanting Wendy to hear it and yet not.

 

Wendy had looked ecstatic at the answer, probing on, eyes shimmering with excitement that Seulgi wondered if it would still be there if she told her that it was her.

 

“And?”

 

Seulgi almost grinned at Wendy’s obvious anticipation, how the shorter woman had her hands clasped together, her guitar settled comfortably on her lap.

 

“That’s it; I can’t call her my girlfriend when…” She trailed off, had wondered how much she could reveal before clearing . “…when we didn’t get to sing our confessions together.”

 

Maybe it was in the way she spoke of it, how her heart bled out of in how her tone cracked at the edges, that Wendy never pursued her questions any further. Seulgi was a little grateful for it.

 

If she were to have Wendy fall in love with her again, she wanted it to be as natural as before; to have them grow – not out of knowledge and guilt of a forgotten past (but if Wendy ever remembered again, then that was okay too; they could pick up from where they left off).

 

But she couldn’t help but notice the differences, how Wendy kept playing with the lock of her apartment door, sliding it open and close at a fixed interval until she hit her preferred number 43. Sometimes she would end at 33 instead and when Seulgi had asked her about the 10 click difference, Wendy said, “The noises aren’t as loud today.”

 

It was odd.

 

The Wendy she knew never had such a peculiar habit. Even when Wendy had been shy or nervous (which were rare because at most times she was too busy teasing the life out of her), she never resorted to playing a constant rhythm against her wristwatch or lock. In fact, Seulgi was sure she loathed the sounds.

 

And what were these noises in her head that she tried so hard to silence?

 

“Seul?”

 

“Hm?” Seulgi murmured against Wendy’s hair, nose digging deeper until she could feel the back of her head.

 

She loved the peach wafting through her senses, smelling so much like Wendy, like nothing had changed – that they were still the same; lying in Wendy’s bed, having sleepovers like they always did.

 

“I want to move,” Seulgi’s ears perked at Wendy’s statement as the shorter woman curled back, allowed her arms to tighten around her waist. “The noises are too loud here…” Wendy curled her fingers against hers, her touch timid – so unlike her previous counterpart. “I-Is that okay?”

 

Seulgi pressed her lips against the nape of her neck, “Anything you want, Wen.” She murmured across her skin, absorbing the warmth of her heat to draw over . “I’ll still be here,”

 

She felt Wendy nod and smiled, pulling her closer, feverish for the feel of Wendy pressed against her. It was only their second sleepover together but already they were as comfortable as they were before the accident. Or maybe Seulgi was just desperate for her touch – to feel her again; to close the distance that suddenly kept them apart even when there were no more gaps left between them.

 

“…What are they?” Seulgi attempted to understand, to put herself in Wendy’s shoes, “The noises – do they hurt?”

 

Wendy hadn’t answered for a long while, and just when Seulgi was about to let sleep take over, eyelids drooping to a close, Wendy’s quiet whisper suddenly filled hope in jars with her lungs and heart.

 

“… They’re pictures I don’t remember taking,” she sounded so unsure, so afraid of the unknown, “They’re too familiar; that I should know but I don’t – I just…” Wendy muttered, curling against her pillow. “…Never mind – I’m all over the place; forget it.” But Seulgi understood – dared to have thoughts akin to wishful thinking.

 

For now, as she hushed Wendy with their song, her humming a lullaby to ease the tension she felt in Wendy’s form, Seulgi allowed hope to fill the empty spaces she left.

 

It was going to take time, she knew; but it didn’t matter as long as Wendy was beginning to remember (even when she tried to count them away, they still managed to stay).

 

Seulgi could wait.

 

-

 

She had Wendy visit all the places they frequented: the arcade, the library, the art museum (Seulgi admitted to being a bit of a nerd for paintings), the Build-A-Bigger-Bear, and the music shop.

 

Seulgi was hoping that the walks down memory lane could jog the circuits into a TV-play, have Wendy gradually understand the broken puzzles dismembered in her brain – put them back together even when they didn’t seem out of place to her to begin with.

 

She would hold her hand as they crossed streets (past Wendy had told her that she enjoyed swinging their arms together even when they were already old enough to walk on their own), thankful that this Wendy didn’t mind it either.

 

It was getting easier – pretending to forget that Wendy hadn’t been in love with her. Her heart only continued to grow every moment she spent with Wendy, filling up with affection for the shorter woman, getting to know the other side of the girl she loved.

 

But then suddenly their time got shorter and Seulgi wondered if it was because of the change in scenery.

 

She could still remember Wendy unpacking her luggage, shooing her away with a smile as Seulgi twiddled with the lock on the door of Wendy’s new apartment.

 

“You sure you don’t want me helping you out?” Seulgi had asked again, scoping out the giant living room space, appreciating the simple décor of soft beige against white walls.

 

She saw a large suitcase settled on the farther left side of the room. Must be the roommate’s.

 

“I’m sure,” Wendy chirped, sounding happier now that the images have changed. “Thanks, Seul. Now go be a good teddy bear and make kids happy.” She grinned, passing Seulgi a wave before returning to digging through her bag.

 

Seulgi made sure to lock the door behind her before wandering out the hall, shoving her hands into her black coat pockets and hoping Wendy’s roommate would be kind to her.

 

She had suggested to Wendy about getting a single bedroom instead, that there was no need sharing the rent with a stranger who could very well be a horrible, horrible, person.

 

Wendy had shaken her head, “It gets lonely and I don’t want to keep bothering you all the time, Seul.” Seulgi was about to protest, that no, Wendy could never bother her, but Wendy had hushed her with a smile. “It feels safe to hide, doesn’t it?” Seulgi had no words as Wendy began to dry the dishes; memories of their first encounter blaring bright like fluorescent light. “I…I don’t want to, anymore.”

 

Seulgi couldn’t argue with that – not when her Wendy just flashed before her eyes and disappeared like fleeting lightning.

 

“Oh, sorry.” A woman said as Seulgi shook her head to dismiss the fog in her mind, recovering from the small impact against her arm; smelling whiffs of vanilla and lavender.

 

“Sorry,” Seulgi replied in return, bowing a little; noting jet black hair, grey trench coat, and a coffee, in the stranger’s hand.

 

Seulgi hoped the roommate would be good to her. Or else.

 

-

 

It turned out that Wendy’s roommate was better than that.

 

Seulgi couldn’t recall the number of times she had called Wendy only to hear bouts of silence whenever she mentioned her roommate. How she could easily hear the gears in her lover’s – they could’ve, should’ve, but weren’t – head whirring away, picturing someone else who wasn’t her.

 

She wasn’t oblivious to the minute changes in Wendy’s voice. How it would go just a tad softer, a bit quieter, a little gentler, and a lot bashful. As if she was in love.

 

Seulgi had denied it at first, considered that maybe she was just jealous – that she was allowing the bad green monster to control her judgment; that their time apart allowed it to fester until it was blatantly clear and she couldn’t ignore it anymore.

 

She wanted to see who this person was – how great this person could be to have Wendy look at her the way Seulgi wanted to be looked at again. How this stranger could just waltz in, sweep Wendy off stumbling feet, and pull her in like an overcharged magnet.

 

How this roommate could beat Seulgi at her best. That she was no longer the bumbling buffoon she used to be in a giant teddy bear suit hiding away anxiety coloring her skin.

 

She almost got to see whoever it was that had Wendy stuttering even more so with her tongue, cradling the coffee brew in her hands as she waited for the bathroom door to open, until she was suddenly being pushed towards the exit like she wasn’t wanted there anymore.

 

Seulgi was afraid to think further than that.

 

So she ignored the mountain of hurt rising up her chest, clutching the jar between shaking arms. “Are you that nervous about your roommate, Wen?” She said between breaths that struggled to keep steady. “Relax, I’ll leave you two alone for some bonding time.” She tried not to let her lips quiver – to not reveal how she truly felt. “But one day, I’m going to have to interrogate her to make sure she’s treating you right, okay?”

 

Seulgi couldn’t feel anything despite Wendy’s stumbling apology.

 

“Do you look at her with eyes like that, Wen?”

 

Wendy was clueless; she had no idea and Seulgi wanted to scream at her – to just yell out and let burn until she couldn’t anymore. She was starting to get tired of being the only one who knew. But how could she make up for all the times she had lied to her when she couldn’t bring herself to tell the truth?

 

Wendy wouldn’t look at her the same way regardless.

 

“Like what?”

 

Seulgi finally saw for herself what Wendy had seen in her on the plane; and it was breathtaking. She wished she had known sooner.

 

She attempted to be as brave as Wendy when words from the past left her lips.

 

“Like a love letter?”

 

Seulgi wondered where it all went wrong.

 

-

 

Joohyun was a nice person.

 

Seulgi had recognized the woman as soon as they walked in, finally realizing that Wendy had been part of the group date. The grey jacket, the sleek jet-black hair, the scent of vanilla and lavender – all she was missing was the cup of coffee.

 

She had been critical during their small talk, attempting to get a feel for what she was like – what kind of person she was.

 

For starters, she was charming.

 

“Has Wen-Wen been behaving?” Seulgi began, striking up conversation with the woman who seemed to have it all together.

 

The corner of Joohyun’s lips curled upwards, “Very. She’s perfect.” Seulgi knew that all too well. “And you? How’d you two become friends?” She asked in return, tinkling with her spoon, a curious brow raised.

 

She wondered if she was being interrogated too.

 

Seulgi leant back, crossing her arms. “Bumped into each other when I was working,” it was the truth – even if this Wendy had forgotten.  “Has she been eating well?”

 

Joohyun’s nod was minute that Seulgi almost missed it. “She has. Considering she cooks most of the time,”

 

Seulgi wanted to chide her – to tell her that she shouldn’t be using Wendy as some sort of slave and –

 

“So I try to let her know I’m grateful.” Joohyun finished, a ghost of a smile painting her face.

 

Seulgi wanted to ask how until she saw Joohyun’s hand move below the table, held between Wendy’s fingers. She watched how Wendy began to tap her fingertip against Joohyun’s palm (no longer ticking away at her wristwatch) – saw how they shared a smile like it was some sort of secret, stricken to a pause by how Wendy looked like tension was melting away from every count of her skin.

 

The impact against Seulgi’s chest felt oddly akin to getting hit by a bullet train that still wouldn’t stop. So that was how.

 

Joohyun was helping Wendy to not remember.

 

She only found a brief reprieve when Joohyun looked as white as a ghost at the sight of what she assumed to be an ex – Yerim, was it? But it didn’t really matter because even when Joohyun had a past with someone else, she was Wendy’s present; she was the one who was remembered.

 

So she left with Joy, thanked her for the ride, and locked herself in the bathroom to cry. Again.

 

-

 

The movie was okay.

 

Seulgi wanted to be like that character Joy – how happiness bled her gold and yellow, with her funky blue hair and skipping steps. She wanted to be happy.

 

There were times on the way back to Wendy’s apartment that Seulgi considered telling her the truth; considered revealing every detail – every missing part of Wendy’s life that she never realized were gone. She wanted to come clean, start anew, but feared that things would change for the worst.

 

If she told her how she felt – how they both felt for each other, then wouldn’t she be forcing Wendy to play a role based on memories she didn’t remember? Wouldn’t she be guilt tripping her into loving her because she forgot? That wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

 

So Seulgi settled for moving on – attempt to forget everything just like how Wendy still forgot.

 

And then she played her song – their song.

 

“Take time, to realize…”

 

Seulgi didn’t know what came over her; just that she had to hear it in full – hear Wendy’s voice sing the song she never thought she could hear again. Desperation filled her veins, her love clawing out at her chest, her patience having squeezed her lungs empty as she sung their song together – long overdue.

 

Her eyes blurred out from the tears that accumulated for all the times she had felt alone; how she felt happiness so crippling it cut her words short and her judgment erased – her hope finally had wings.

 

Seulgi felt like she finally woke up from a nightmare too long with Wendy’s lips across hers. How plump they felt, soft beneath her touch – warm like the summer back in August where their story began.

 

She remembered how it felt to be loved without her costume.

 

“S-Seul?” Wendy squeaks beneath her, voice that stuttering signature Seulgi learned to find uniquely charming over time. “I-I…”

 

Seulgi knows how out of context it would be; that it served no point – no meaning when the other half had no memory of it, if she were to say it now (their confessions waiting to be said). But she wants to – for her sake, and the Wendy before.

 

“I wished you were just a voice, but that didn’t happen.” She knows her confession sounds silly, perhaps even out of the ordinary – unorthodox. “I wished you fell in love with me again, but that didn’t happen either.” Seulgi pretends she doesn’t see how Wendy’s eyes glow a look of confusion – how she tries to filter out the haze in her head of memories she can’t remember. “Now I wish you would give us a chance, but I’d be better off lying, wouldn’t I?”

 

Wendy looks so lost – so out of place like how Seulgi had felt all along. But even when minutes pass and Seulgi allows the final shreds of patience to wear thin under such silence, she still can’t move away from her.

 

Seulgi still wants to kiss her.

 

“I’m home,” Joohyun’s voice suddenly rings in the air, crackles the tension like a clap of thunder as Wendy shoves her away just enough to wriggle out from beneath her.

 

“J-Joohyun, welcome back!” The sheer relief in Wendy’s tone elicits a growing fire in her stomach, how green becomes the color flowing through Seulgi’s limbs as she watches them interact so easily, so naturally – so domestically.

 

“Don’t give me a chance,” Seulgi says – lies, interrupting their homey conversation. “Forget I said anything.” Lies. So many lies. Maybe then it’d go the other way for once.

 

She removes her arm from Wendy’s grasp when she feels smaller fingers wrap around her sleeve, attempt to pull her back – get her to stay. Seulgi can’t bring herself to look at her, not when her heart has already been bare for so long, waiting to be found.

 

She just wants to hide again.

 

Seulgi’s already at the door, unlatching the lock – jacket in hand, when Wendy speaks like she remembers more.

 

“What happened to lesson 1?” Wendy asks, her voice heavy with ghost tales of what had happened long ago, churning something inside of Seulgi, quaking her to feel again.

 

(“Don’t hide anything about yourself because there’s nothing to be ashamed about,”)

 

Seulgi wishes she could just stop hoping for more because even when she turns around, gives Wendy one last longing, searching, look – she’s still the only one who’s in love with the same person.

 

“It apparently made me someone not worth loving as much anymore.” Seulgi quips weakly – bitterly.

 

-

 

AN:

 

… Yeah, this was pretty much Seuldy/Seulgi-centric focused. I wanted to give you readers a clearer view of their past; to reveal more answers to questions that might have been lingering for a while and to better understand their circumstances. Of course, this couldn’t have been done without looking from another pair of eyes.  

 

I was also pleasantly surprised by the responses for last chapter – your feelings were so nice to read about. Really.

 

Hope you all have enjoyed this update; until next time.