Realising that he isn’t good enough doesn’t kill him.

The first thing that Junsu says to Yunho when he enters the other’s new apartment is – “wow, it’s like I’m walking into an operation room from a medical drama!”

Yunho smiles and introduces all the medical tools he has hanging around his small apartment. He tells Junsu – “I never know when I might need these tools at home, so I always have them ready on standby.”

And Junsu smiles brilliantly, “you really are prepared for anything and everything!”

Junsu holds his hand tightly and Yunho thinks that everything is perfect. The warmth in his hand pulled a smile on his face and made it stay.

They were friends first, but from the day when Junsu collapsed and was sent to the emergency room, they became doctor and patient too.

A couple of weeks later, through a tilt in the atmosphere, with light touches on the neck, hair tickling chin and fluttery brushes of lips; they became lovers.

Sitting together on a cold and snowy winter night, arms touching, fingers interlocked with each other with the TV blaring softly in the background was paradise for the two.

It was warm and fuzzy where they touched.

Junsu smiled up at the older man, he grabbed a piece of popcorn and placed it on Yunho’s lips, pushing it into the other’s mouth.

Yunho chuckles, he gets up from the couch, goes and grabs an extra blanket for Junsu as the other sits on the couch and watches a soapy drama on TV. The older then walks into the kitchen, it was about time to cook dinner anyway.

He watches as the storm outside becomes stronger. Yunho then closes the blinds as he gets back to working on dinner. Stew for the perfect wintery night.

The stew was just done when he hears a loud thump and a groan from the living room. Yunho raises and eyebrow before he pops his head out to take a look at what Junsu was doing.

Junsu is lying at the bottom of the couch, squirming, cringing and clutching at his chest in pain.

The scream coming from the TV is deaf to his ears.

“Junsu!” Yunho fumbles and picks up his phone with haste as he runs over to the other. He dials the emergency number and asks for the ambulance. But what he is told tears at his heart.

“There’s going to be a delay”, the voice on the end of the phone said.

“What?” Yunho breathlessly dropped the word.

“There’s a snow storm now”, Yunho barely heard those words pass the static of the phone. He dropped his phone.

There’s no telling when the weather will lift up. He couldn’t wait, he couldn’t wait for an ambulance to come. He quickly grabs his medical tools and rushes to Junsu’s side. He could feel his heart race in anxiety.

“Yunho”, Junsu mouths, tears streaming down his face, “it hurts.”

Placing a hand on the other’s cheek, Yunho smiles softly, “it’s ok, I’m going to make it all right again”, he can feel the dampness of the other’s cheek. He was going to save him.

Junsu grabs onto Yunho’s arm.

Yunho presses the needle into Junsu, watching as the anaesthetic enters into Junsu. It was an approximate number, he didn’t know exactly how much Junsu needed. As Yunho tried his best to change, put on gloves whilst Junsu’s hand was still holding onto his arm, he mentally went over all the procedures he had to go through to save the younger man.

He was going to make sure that this was going to be as fool-proof as he could make it out to be.

Yunho knows that Junsu’s fallen into unconsciousness when the hand that was clutching tightly onto him loses its grip and falls with a thud on the kitchen floor. He hastily puts on the gas mask over the lower half of Junsu’s face, he had to keep the anaesthesia going, just to make sure that Junsu would be unconscious for more than just a couple of hours.

He’s a surgeon. He’s Junsu’s surgeon. He can do this. Yunho reminds himself over and over that he is a professional at saving people’s lives. And Junsu wasn’t going to be an exception. He takes his trustworthy scalpel out, quickly desensitizes it and waves it around, letting it dry immediately.

The first incision was the hardest cut.

His hand did not shake. He did not focus on the rubbery feel of his gloves against the silver scalpel.

The cut went in, and everything felt right. Yunho felt a little more relieved.

Not long after, Yunho cringed. It was hard, with just him. He was feeling morbid as he looked at Junsu’s heart. It was right there, his hand could wrap right around it and feel it pump. Yet even though the there was only a thin layer of the rubber glove between him and Junsu’s heart, everything just felt so intangible.

Junsu’s heart stops beating.

He hears his blood pounding in his ears. And he counts, the number of seconds before he drops his scalpel. He drops his scalpel as he realises that he’s not good enough.

He covers his face with his blood stained gloves, nothing mattered anymore, his rubber glove smeared blood all over his face. The texture could only remind him that his surgery was not over. He was getting Junsu’s blood all over his face, but that didn’t matter.

And Yunho realises that this is why they don’t let surgeons and doctors look and perform on their family and loved ones. He screams as he hears the quiet but distinct siren of the ambulance.

He doesn’t care anymore.

Yunho digs his nails into his throat and drags them across. The stinging pain made him clench his teeth, it was the type of pain that provided relief. He’s relieved that he can still acknowledge how ugly he is. He grabs his scalpel, it’s not so trustworthy anymore, he stares at it and wants to cry as his thoughts linger on Junsu who he could not save.

He’s not fit to be a doctor, a surgeon, he couldn’t even save his life. His scalpel is sharp, it’s been covered in blood, it feels searingly warm against his neck. Yunho pushes and quickly runs his scalpel across his throat with disgust.

Knowing that he isn’t good enough kills him.