It never occurred to Soonyoung that he could be gay. He never thought that he, of all people, could possibly be gay. But recently, he had begun having thoughts, all starting with the day his friend asked him a stupid question.

“Hey, imagine if you had a girlfriend right? And you really like her and she really likes you and you think she might be the one. But then one day, she confesses that she’s actually a guy. He’s just a really pretty guy. Would you break up with him?” Seokmin asked under his breath as he and Soonyoung worked on an essay under the scrutinizing eyes of their teacher.

“I don’t know. Maybe? I don’t think I would really mind though, if I really like him. Is that weird?”

“Yeah, man, actually, that’s really weird. Stay away from me.” Seokmin shoved him away with a mock disgusted face, but then came back and shouldered him lightly. “Just kidding.”

He thought about it a lot later on and talked about it to another friend.

“Maybe you’re panual.” Jeonghan said, picking at a loose thread on the blanket. “I have a lot of panual friends.”

“Hm. Maybe.”

So maybe he was panual. That was okay right? That meant he was open-minded right?

“Wow, you’re really good looking.” Soonyoung suddenly said, staring at Mingyu’s side profile.

Mingyu frowned and held a hand to Soonyoung’s forehead. “Hyung, are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Soonyoung said and brushed Mingyu’s hand away.

One night, he had a dream. In the dream, he was gay and he was dating Jihoon. He felt so comfortable, shopping for a couple necklace with him, laughing and smiling together. When he woke up, he was wide-eyed and freaked out.

He couldn’t help but notice his friends more after that. Soonyoung realized that all of his friends were good looking and had really nice voices and had really cute butts.

Soonyoung became touchier with them, hanging off their backs, interlacing their fingers together, giving them kisses on their foreheads and necks. No one minded much because he had always been like that.

He found he couldn’t change with them anymore. He hid in the bathroom when he changed, hiding his own body and hiding from his friends’ bodies.

Soonyoung was in a lecture when he thought about kissing his friends. He had gotten himself a girlfriend to convince himself that he wasn’t gay and should have been thinking about her. But when he did, he didn’t feel any excitement and he wasn’t into it even when they kissed in real life. But when he thought about making out with Seungcheol, he had to strip off his sweater to hide his and freeze through the rest of the lecture.

So he was gay. Okay. That’s okay right? It’s okay to be gay right? Right…?

Soonyoung stayed away from his friends after the realization. He was gay, holy , and they were ing hot. He couldn’t stay near them. But he missed them.

He found it really difficult to keep it a secret. He broke one day while he was drinking and spilled everything about his ual orientation to Chan. He avoided him after that but Chan caught him one day.

“Hyung, stop avoiding me.”

“I’m not avoiding you.”

“Yes, you are. I know you’re scared, I know this is new, but I won’t judge.”

Chan became something like his personal therapist, or counselor maybe. Soonyoung relied on him a lot and cried in his arms the day after his parents and his brother, Seungkwan, told him he was a disgrace for being gay.

Being gay was not okay. He hated it and he hated himself for being gay. It just ruined everything.

At a party one day, Soonyoung watched Jisoo’s mouth moving while he talked and then he was kissing him.

“, I didn’t mean to – , I’m sorry, I – I’m sorry.”

Soonyoung ran away and made sure to never end up in the same room as Jisoo. He was surprised that his other friends hadn’t heard about the kiss yet. Jisoo did have a heavy mouth and normally didn’t tell secrets. But this was such a huge deal, he must have told someone. But when Wonwoo slid onto Soonyoung’s lap and started eating his lunch, he figured no one knew.

“Soonyoung, red alert!” Hansol hissed through the open door.

“Hey.” Hearing the voice, Soonyoung got up in a panic to skitter away-thinking ‘Hansol, you’re so goddamn slow!-‘but he was caught. “No, listen.”

Soonyoung hung his head and waited for Jisoo to speak again.

“I’m sorry, Soonyoung, but I don’t swing that way. I do like you a lot, but it’s only as a friend. I’m sorry.” He turned to leave and then turned around again. “I don’t think you’ve ever noticed, but Seokmin favors you a lot. Just saying.”

Soonyoung stared at Junhui and Minghao, who were openly disgusting with their relationship. Minghao was sitting on Junhui’s lap even though there was plenty of space for him to lie down on the rest of the sofa. Junhui kissed Minghao’s curls and Minghao giggled, swatting his boyfriend’s arm playfully.

Suddenly, he felt himself being lifted up onto someone's lap and when he looked back, he saw Seokmin’s face grinning at him.

“I saw you watching the Gross Ones. I thought you wanted to do the same.”

As Soonyoung smiled and kissed his boyfriend’s nose, he thought ‘, I’m so glad to be gay.’