Have you ever had that feeling that made you feel like life was just passing by without you? You wake up after you stayed awake until 3 am watching TV, then eat something randomly just so you won´t starve, after that you go back to your room and watch again TV until it´s 3 am. It´s like you´re just existing without any reason, like life hasn`t any sense. Well, that´s how I felt for the past 2 years since I started living without my parents. However, that feeling disappeared the day I met him.I don´t want to say that my life has changed much since then, but my feelings definitely have.

Let me tell you how it all started: The sad truth is that I needed a roommate because I couldn’t afford my apartment anymore. So I asked the owner of the apartment complex to find one. I asked for a roommate who was at least not noisy since I couldn´t really choose one. A few days later, he called me saying that he´d found someone who would be a perfect roommate. The next day was the day I should meet my new roommate for the first time. As I opened the door a little I just saw the owner but when I opened the door a little bit more I saw a blonde guy who was almost as tall as me (well, he was taller). I never thought that I would think this about a boy, but I have to admit that he was pretty, really pretty. I don´t know if it was obvious but I felt how I was gazing at him with my mouth slightly opened. “Hi, I´m Takuya. I´m a traveler from Japan and Korea is my last stop!” he introduced himself. So Takuya was the name of the pretty boy and he was a foreigner, but his korean was pretty good I thought. “I´m Joon Jae” I said a little bit too quiet so I had to repeat myself. Takuya went to the living room with his luggage and made himself comfortable on the couch as if it was the most normal thing in the world. “So where do I sleep, Joon Jae?” he asked me smiling broadly. “Oh, I just have one bed” I answered him. Damn I had totally forgotten that my roommate would need an own bed. “That´s really bad, because I can´t fall sleep on the floor”. Takuya said with a smaller smile. “Well, then I will sleep on the floor and you can use my bed for tonight”. I was already annoyed by him. He was my roommate for just 5 minutes and he already took my bed. ”But Joon Jae...” I rushed into my room so I didn´t hear what Takuya was saying. I took my pillow and a blanket and went back to the living room. He was staying there looking confused by the situation. “Just go into my room. I hope you´ll sleep good in my bed” I said a little bit too harsh. As I was about to lie down he packed me by my shoulders and led me to my room pushing me onto my bed. “What are you doing?” I said aggressively without purpose. “This is your bed Joon Jae. I won´t take it if it´s not okay for you” he said without looking me in the eyes. He turned around and was about to go back to the living room as I grabbed his wrist. “It´s okay, Takuya” I said sighing. “Really? Oh that’s great because I wouldn´t be able to sleep” he was suddenly smiling again. I didn´t like it when he was smiling, it made him more attractive and made me feel nervous.

As I woke up the next morning lying on the cold floor, I smelled something sweet and delicious. It turned out that Takuya had made breakfast and I was glad that I had nothing to do. “Joon Jae you´re awake! Come sit down, I made breakfast” he said excited. Turns out Takuya is a much better cook than I am. “It´s really good” I complimented him with a full mouth. “I’m glad you like it” Takuya smiled satisfied. “Oh, Joon Jae you´ve got there something” he wiped something off of my face with his thumb. As his thumb touched my lip, I shivered on my whole body. I quickly pushed his hand away. “Don´t do that again!”. “Have I done something wrong?” Takuya again looked confused. “No, it´s just..I-I don´t like getting touched” I answered insecurely. That was a lie. I liked it, but by my roommate? A boy? I didn´t know what to feel. Why was I so nervous around him? I felt strange but I stopped worrying about it because I was sure that feeling would quickly disappear. I didn´t really want to be around him so I Iocked myself in my room for the rest of the day. Late in the night as I came out of my room to go to the bathroom I saw how Takuya was sleeping on the floor while the TV was still switched on. “Such a liar” I thought a bit amused. I felt guilty because he had to sleep on the floor because of me. I wanted to wake him up so he could go to my bed but he looked peaceful like an angel lying there that I couldn’t overcome myself. He was still so attractive even when he was drooling. While standing there looking at him I felt something, something warm around my stomach. It made my heart beat faster and I got nervous again. “What is wrong with me?” I muttered. “I´m getting ill, yeah I´m definitely getting ill, it has to be like this”. I took a blanket from my room and covered Takuya with it, then I headed back to my room trying to sleep and forget the feeling in my stomach.

The next few days weren´t really interesting and nothing special happened except for a few glances between us which made me feel insecure about my feelings. During this few days Takuya went out a lot and was barely at home. I didn´t like that. Even after such a short time I got so used to his presence that I felt lonely without him. But what should I do? I couldn´t just go up to him and tell him to stay by my side, he would get the wrong idea. But what was the wrong idea? That I could like him? A guy? I don´t think that´s the case. We´re just friends and I like spending time with my friends. So that must be okay, right? Well, turns out it wasn´t, but we´ll get to that later.

Today Takuya came home way later than he usually did. It was already 1 am and I hadn´t heard anything from him for hours. He usually always tells me when he´s going to be longer outside but today he didn´t even send me a text message. I was worried about him. What if something bad happened? I tried to call him but he didn´t pick up his phone so I texted him but there was still no answer. I stared panicking. What should I do? What if really something bad happened? He´s new to this city, he could get lost easily. Damnit! It´s all my fault! I should have went with him!! As the feelings of guilt took over me I heard something. It was something familiar. Ohh the doorbell! I ran over to open the door and as I opened it the only thing I could see were teeth. The person in front of me was grinning overjoyed. Now my brain started to recognize the person in front of me. It was Takuya. “Hi Joon Jae, why are you still awake?” he asked me still grinning. “Why I am awake? Are you kidding me!?” I could feel how I was slowly getting angry. “No, why would I be kidding? Why aren´t you already asleep?” he asked me innocently. “Where have you been? Why did you come home so late!?” my voice was getting louder and angrier. “I was just walking around the city and I must have overlooked the time. No big deal” “Why didn´t you pick up your phone or answer my messages? Why are you so careless!?” I was almost shouting now. I couldn´t believe that this conversation was real, that he was so reckless. “I didn´t see them” he mumbled while turning around and slowly going away. But I didn´t let him. I held his wrist and turned him around. “Why don´t you answer my question? Takuya, why are you so careless? Why didn´t you told me that you are going to come home so late? I shouted. He pulled his hand away “No Joon Jae, the actual question is why are YOU caring so much?” he was still calm, which made me angrier. “BECAUSE I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU YOU IDIOT! I thought that something bad happened to you and it was freaking me out.” I was still shouting. The expression on his face changed. “But..but why would you do that? Why would you care so much about a person who you know for only 2 weeks?” he really seemed to be confused. This situation was pointless, he really had no clue nor did I. But he was right. Why did I care so much? He was just my roommate, just another boy. I should mind my own business and so should he. We are two guys who live together, nothing special, nothing more. Just roommates. “Forget it. I won´t worry about you anymore.” Then I went back to my room.

3 days later.

I forgot about what happened and so did Takuya. It was just a normal day. In the evening we decided to get out and get some food because we had nothing eatable at home. “Ahh this is one of my favourite things to eat” Takuya said as he put more Tteokbokki in his mouth. I just nodded. I don´t really like talking while eating. After that we decided to get some Soju since it was saturday night and we had nothing else to do. We didn´t really drink much but it was still really fun. Around 1 am we got home. The first thing I did was plopping down on my bed and Takuya lied next to me. It was a strange but good feeling to have him so close next to me. We lied there for about 10 minutes and I almost fell asleep but I didn´t wanted to miss this moment so I forced myself to stay awake. “I´ll go to the bathroom” Takuya stood up and wanted to go but I held his wrist. He turned around and was about to say something as I pulled him back to the bed. He was now lying on me. His face was just a hand width above mine, his lips just a few centimeters. He pressed his lower body closer to mine but still looked so innocent. Takuya looked me deep in the eyes and smirked. I know that he was doing this on purpose he was just teasing me, but I could also play that game. So I lifted my head, turned it to the right and approached my lips to his lips. I could feel how my heart was beating faster with every centimeter I got closer to him and how he was breathing heavily right onto my face. Right before our lips were about to touch I leaned back again. I smiled satisfied, this time I wasn´t the one who was left breathless. I wanted to stand up but he hold me back. “You can´t do this to me Joon Jae” he came closer and closer still smirking a bit. This was too much. I couldn´t resist anymore. It felt like he literally wanted me to kiss him, so I did. The second our lips touched I felt how warmth flowed through my body, how every tension dissolved. I first thought he´d push me away but he pressed his lips stronger onto mine. Takuya kissed me more passionately and it felt like my heart was going to explode. In the beginning I was insecure but after he kissed me back I became more confident and started to enjoy it. Suddenly he stood up and looked me in the eyes. He stood there for a few seconds and then left the room without saying a word. What? What was that? What did just happen? I was so confused. I could still feel the kiss on my lips. I wanted to go after him but I didn´t. I couldn´t overcome myself to look him in the eyes again so I went to bed instead. But I didn´t sleep, not at all. The feeling of his lips on mine was all I could think about that night.

When I woke up the next day Takuya wasn´t at home. I don´t know if he´s just out like always or if he´s avoiding me on purpose. No matter what I have to talk to him after he comes back. I´ll tell him that what happened was stupid and that he should just forget it. It was probably just a joke for him anyway so he won´t take it too serious, right? But it was serious for me, yeah I kissed him to provocate him, but I also did it because I wanted to know how it feels like. And it felt good, it felt good how Takuya kissed me back without hesitating. I liked it, I liked Takuya and I would do it again. But he´s not feeling that way and because he doesn´t I have to tell him that it was nothing special to me, that he is nothing special to me even if it´s a lie.

A few hours later, it was afternoon, Takuya came back. He seemed to be really calm which made me more nervous. I was ready to talk to him but I didn´t know how to start. Then: “Joon Jae, we need to talk”. I didn´t know what to expect. “Oh, really?” I tried to act careless like it was no big deal because it didn´t seem like a big deal to him. “Yes, about yesterday. I know it didn´t mean anything to you and I´m sorry that I´m bringing this topic up but...” Wait. He thinks it was nothing to me? He´s apologizing? “I don´t get it, what do you mean?” I interrupted him. “I´m talking about you know...the kiss...I know I´m interpreting too much into it but I just have go get this off of my chest. I can´t think about anything else.” Takuya talked while looking at the ground. “And what were you thinking?” This situation seemed surreal. I thought I´ll just tell him the lie and everything will be cleared but I didn´t expect this. “You know..just stuff...I think I liked it” he was still looking at the ground. “Ahh just forget it..it was a stupid idea to tell you” Takuya immediately turned around and wanted to leave but I hold his wrist and turned him back. “So you´re telling me that you liked kissing me?” I became more comfortable after what he said. It almost seemed like he was feeling the same towards me. “Well...I did but..wait, why are you grinning?” he was clearly confused. He probably also thought that it was nothing special to me. We were both wrong. That´s a weight off my mind. I got closer and closer to him, still grinning, so that he´s with his back to the wall now. “Takuya, I liked it too”. He looked surprised and wanted to say something but I came closer to him and kissed him. He again didn´t pull me away and kept kissing me softly. I put my hands under his shirt and pulled him closer. This kiss was way more tender and more intense than the first one and we were both enjoying it. The next thing we did was going to my bedroom, while still kissing each other and slowly taking our clothes off...