It’s a December morning, a few minutes past eight and everyone is gathered in Youngbae’s apartment to celebrate Seungri’s birthday. It’s a week before the actual day but they all have busy schedules and this day is the only time they’re all able to be in the same place at once and it should be somewhat cheerful, but it feels.. empty. Nobody speaks because there’s no reason to. Without Jiyong, everything seems incomplete. Seungri has always loved big birthday celebrations with cakes and singing and candles, just like a kid, but this year he welcomes the quiet, enjoying the company of s.

Youngbae has never seen Seungri so calm before, so willing to accept an enveloping silence, but he supposes that Jiyong leaving forced him to change in ways nobody expected. As he looks around, Youngbae sees the way Jiyong affected everyone. Daesung rarely smiles anymore and when he does, it always looks forced and Seunghyun doesn’t try to crack jokes and he always has a look on his face, something between a quiet loneliness and sometimes something that Youngbae can’t quite decipher but he thinks it must be painful, because Seunghyun always leaves before it can take over him completely. He supposes that Jiyong’s absence is still too recent and the wounds haven’t closed yet.

As for Youngbae…he wasn’t too sure how he had changed. He was so worried, thinking of everyone else, he didn’t stop to think about how it affected him. But he knows it hurt. He remembers crying for hours, locked in his apartment until his manager had to get the someone to break down the door. He remembers refusing to go to the hospital, refusing to go anywhere really. He remembers long days with the curtains drawn and sitting in his dark bedroom, forgetting to eat and at times forgetting to shower and when he did, he just sat in the bathtub fully clothed and let the water run. He remembers when the members came and how he cried even more when he saw them and they would never say a word. They understood his pain more than he did himself.

“Hyung, what are we going to do?” It was Seungri’s question, Seungri’s quiet voice that cracked at the last word that made Taeyang leave his house, because he finally saw that everyone was waiting for him. After Jiyong, he was supposed to lead them, and he did for just a short while.

They had always said that without one, they were nothing and somehow, they couldn’t find the heart to stand on stage as only four. They decided to record a video message, an apology and a last farewell to the fans and there were no regrets, except when the camera stopped rolling the four men stayed seated for so long, the staff weren’t sure what to do and nobody wanted to say anything to them. But they knew that they were waiting. And they waited for hours until Youngbae had to tell everyone to go home.

Sometimes, Youngbae relives the last time he saw Jiyong. He doesn’t remember every single word they exchanged because they sat in silence for the most part, in the studio again, just on their phones or writing new songs and sometimes comparing their lyrics.

“Youngbae, am I a good person?”

Jiyong’s question had caught him off guard and he had to stare at him for a couple of minutes before realizing that Jiyong wanted an actual answer. “What are you talking about?” He had laughed a little and leaned back in his chair.

“Seriously, am I a good person?”

Youngbae wasn’t sure what to say because of course Jiyong was a good person. He sometimes had to look at him in awe, to believe that a person as good as Jiyong could exist. But how could he word that? So instead he said, “Of course you are.”

And Jiyong sat back and nodded so he believed that it was the end and he didn’t push. They left each other that night with a hug that Jiyong held a bit too long and Youngbae always says he should have asked at that moment: Are you okay? What are you thinking, right now? Do you need me to stay longer? But he had left. And he regrets it everyday.

“Hyung…Hyung.”

Youngbae is snapped back to reality, back at the apartment and Seungri is next to him, with worry set in his eyes. He puts a small hand on Seungri’s shoulder and apologizes, but Seungri slides him a small package. “It was just outside the door when I left to throw out the trash.”

He glances at it quickly, before fully letting the sender of the package sit in. When it does, he sits up and glances at everyone. They’re staring at him and their eyes are curious. He tears open the brown wrapping and inside is a notebook, a plain black cover and when he opens it, tears almost spill over at the familiar handwriting.

Youngbae, you’re upset right? Try to forgive me…
After you left…I couldn’t finish this song.
Will you do it for me?

The members are all crowded around him now and Youngbae isn’t sure what to do, so Seunghyun turns the page for him and there is only one verse and the date marked makes Youngbae freeze. It was the last night he had seen Jiyong. Everyone stays silent, waiting for Youngbae to say something, but he can’t do anything except read the unfinished verse over and over again.

When the light has gone out
My love becomes visible
I only know how to love in secret
Leaving the ones who love me confused
What have I done? (Please don’t forgive me)
I regret every decision (But please remember my apologies)*

“Are you going to finish it?” Daesung’s voice startles Youngbae and he wonders if it’s been so long since he’s heard it so eager. When he looks up, he realizes that this is probably what they were waiting for when they finished their recording that day. It had just arrived late.

“We have to.”

*The lyrics are mine so please don't steal them (I mean I don't know why you would. They're not that good lol)

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